Emne: En vitsetråd...

[Gufrias]

What is long, pink and hard in the morning?









The Financial Times crossword.

[Leedsulf]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f###ng widow."

[Hallgeir *]

 An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
 few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
 His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
 The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
 A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
 The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
 Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
 "Goal! 2 all."
 The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
 to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
 just one more fart.
 He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
 The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
 The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

[kalle_92]

Fra facebook på en leeds-page:

In a train carriage there was a Leeds fan, a Scum fan, a spectacular looking blonde and a terrible looking fat lady.

 After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Scum fan has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

 The blonde thought - "That dirty Scum fan wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

 The large lady thought - "This dirty Scum fan laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

 The Scum fan thought - "That f***ing Leeds put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me."

 The Leeds fan thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that c*nt again."..

 

[fmtj]

Jurij Gagarin gikk på jobb og skrev en lapp til kona; "jeg er på tur i verdensrommet, tilbake tirsdag"!
Gagarin kommer tilbake tirsdag og finner en lapp fra kona; "jeg er i butikken, tilbake neste måned!"

(Herlig sovjethumor fra tiden med butikkøer og rasjonering)

[Hallgeir *]

Fra facebook på en leeds-page:

In a train carriage there was a Leeds fan, a Scum fan, a spectacular looking blonde and a terrible looking fat lady.

 After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Scum fan has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

 The blonde thought - "That dirty Scum fan wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

 The large lady thought - "This dirty Scum fan laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

 The Scum fan thought - "That f***ing Leeds put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me."

 The Leeds fan thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that c*nt again."..

 

 Innertier... 

[Hallgeir *]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.
 
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
 
 I found out it was stolen.
 
The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife having sex with the gardener.
 

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."