LUSCOS

Er en artig-kar på waccoe som kaller seg for twobob som skriver kommentarer på diverse transfers spekulasjoner! Veldig artig til tider!! [:D]

Arsenal are willing to put forward a pragmatic solution to the Ashley Cole saga by offering to exchange him for William Gallas and £10m. (The Times)
In a less pragmatic but somehow more satisfying solution, a vocal minority at Arsenal are offering to pay the preening, self-worshipping, duplicitous, backstabbing woodentop his wages, bring him on as sub just once so he’s fukked for the CL, then dump him in the reserves for the rest of his season, prompting the whining showpony to hire lawyers and complain about his human rights getting shafted.

Tottenham are in negotiations with Real Madrid for former Arsenal target Julio Baptista. The asking price is £12m and Spurs are willing to go to £10m. (Various)
Bless ‘em, like kids in a toyshop with all their Carrick-shaped cash burning an ickle hole …

… Spurs are also considering Parma's Australian midfielder Vince Grella. (The Times)
“Ooh! Ooh! Da-ah-ad! Can I have a Vince Grella too? Sparky’s got an Australian, he says they’re great! He’s not that expensive, Da-ah-ad, go ooooon!” …

… And Tottenham have gone back to Middlesbrough with a new £9m offer for Stewart Downing. (Daily Mirror)
Confronted by supporters at a meet-the-fans do who were concerned he might be pissing money up the wall like a drug-crazed slot-machine junkie on a Vegas spree, fun-lovin’ Marty Jol hit back: “Lishen my friend, I’m the man who convinshed Shir Aliksh Fergushon that Micky Carrick ish equal in value to three and half Damien Duffs. You go and do shome bishness like that my friend, THEN maybe I pretend to give a tupenny fuk what you think.”

Meanwhile Middlesbrough have made an approach to sign Jonathan Woodgate on loan from Real Madrid but his £90,000 per week wages could be a problem. (Various)
‘Could be a problem?!’ Hmm, you think? That’s like saying I’m planning to build my own stunning glass-and-sustainably-grown-cedar clifftop eco-home, but the fact I can barely hammer a nail in straight could be a problem ...

... But Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is confident the lure of Champions League football will take Woodgate to Anfield. (The Sun)
Boro boss Southgate is equally confident, however, that the lure of getting his Mam to do his laundry, plus the lure of regularly drinking a skinful, collapsing in his own vomit and getting into fights at kicking-out time will take him to Boro.

Abel Xavier is training with Middlesbrough after completing his one-year doping ban (The Mirror)
However, he spent his one-year doping ban training with Leeds; now he’s got a medial cruciate tear, a sore hamstring and a niggly groin that might need surgery.

Fulham are lining up a shock move for Dutch striker Patrick Kluivert. (The Sun)
Golly. Yes. HUGE surprise, that. Let’s see: washed-up primadonna moneybags ex-international Prem flop with no discernible appetite for the scrap interests desperate but rich fast-fading Prem flops with fashionable postcode but no discernible appetite for the scrap. Such a shock I might need a little lie-down.

Rangers will sign defender Sasa Papac after Austria Vienna's failure to qualify for the Champions League group stages. (The Herald)
And presumably, rather than house-hunt, he’ll just stay in a swanky hotel for a few months, ‘cos there’ll be a clause in his contract saying he’s ok to jump on the first plane out when THEY fail to qualify again next Spring.

Hearts want striker Calum Elliot to join Motherwell on loan instead of Dunfermline or Falkirk, but the teenager could be the subject of big-money offers from English clubs next week. (The Sun) …
Dunfermline want to take striker Stevie Crawford back to East End Park, but Aberdeen are demanding defender Greg Shields in return. (Daily Record) …
Defender Darren Dods will make a final attempt today to force Inverness Caledonian Thistle to sell him to Dundee United. (Daily Express)
Yeah, look, sorry, not being anti-Scottish or anything, but I’ve read those about four times now and still don’t understand what’s going on. That’s not football transfer gossip, that’s a rejected Hollyoaks outline, surely?

Hearts are interested in Hungarian striker Peter Rajczi, who is out of contract with FC Ujpest, but face competition from Dynamo Kiev, Brondby, Watford, Crystal Palace and Leeds. (The Herald)
So if it's not Hearts it's: European football, European football, Premiership, Championship with London address, Championship. I don’t think the order of the clubs interested is an accident, do you?

Everton, Bolton and West Ham have all offered Steed Malbranque an escape from Fulham. (Daily Express)
Everton have suggested a tunnel, with a bunch of pillows and a wig left behind in his bed to fool Chris Coleman, Bolton want to put a long-term ‘sleeper’ agent in the Fulham squad, start a decoy fire then smuggle him out in the mayhem. West Ham just want to send in some ‘erberts with balaclavas and crowbars.

Crystal Palace will launch a bid for Colchester midfielder Greg Halford. (Daily Mirror)
Camera crews on hand to film this historic ‘bid-launching’ were disappointed when it turned out to involve no more than Peter Taylor dialling a number on his mobile.

Roy Keane will be offered a bumper £6m deal to be the new manager of Sunderland. (The Sun)
Hmm. Might be ‘bumper’ to you or me. But £6m over how long, eh? Over three years and it’s a handy wedge. Any more and you’re down to £1.5m a year. Which is an insult to a man of his pedigree and professionalism. In fact, you’re running the risk there of making him a bit cross. Do you WANT to make him cross, eh? Well? Do you? …

… And Keane will be given a £20m-plus transfer kitty. (Daily Mirror)
And what the FUK is that supposed to mean, eh? Is it £20m, or MORE than £20m? How the fuk much is ‘plus’ eh? Why don’t you people EVER say what you fukkin mean? Eh? And how long is THAT meant to last me, eh? This fukkin window’s almost fukkin CLOSED now. You saying I’ll have to make do with these wankers til Christmas? Then you expect me to blow it all in January and turn this shower of shite into playoff candidates? WELL? …

... But "It is by no means certain" that Keane will take the Sunderland job because he is "seething" that his 2002 World Cup row with Niall Quinn has been dragged up. (Daily Express)
FUKKIN right. Just cos I called the cunt a Muppet in me book, am on record as hating him cos he sided with the English Bollix at Saipan, these fukkin press scum think they can drag it all up just to make trouble. Well I’ll save ‘em the fukkin bother, alright? I fukkin QUIT! Y’fukkin amateurs.

Ronaldinho has said Barcelona "don't have to worry" about Champions League opponents Chelsea. (Various)
Blues Boss, Mourinho, meanwhile hit back in the war of fake nonchalance by saying “Darcelona? Hmm? Oh, sorry, BARcelona. No. not ringing a bell, sorry.”

John Terry wrecked a water cooler in frustration after Chelsea's shock defeat at Middlesbrough. (The Sun)
Not only that. Frank ‘Franky’ Lampard took out a foot-spa, Shevchenko drew male and female genitalia on a hi-tech massage chair while Riccardo Carvalho forced his own faeces into all the shower heads. Didier Drogba was about to start ripping clothes-hooks off the wall when instinct got the better of him and he threw himself full length over the kit basket and demanded a penalty.

Everton's Andy Johnson will be given the chance to stake a claim for an England place by Steve McClaren. (The Times) [/b]

The balding ex-Eagle said: It’s a great time to be an over-rated so-so badge-kissing dive-monkey. Ashton’s crocked, Owen’s crocked, Defoe can't get a kick, Rooney’s lairy and that only leaves Crouchy. Stay injury-free til autumn and you’ve a great chance of cracking in a hatful against Andorra or whoever. I bet Macca’s even still got Heskey on speed-dial.