Football365`s 2007/08 Crystal Ball (One)
Lawrie Sanchez brings in the Reverend Ian Paisley, Keano buys four tins of beans from Netto for 25 quid, Heinze gets handcuffed to The Neviller and Bono sings at Live Blade. It's all made up...
August:
Chelsea's injury crisis worsens when Frank Lampard picks up a knee injury that will require complete rest at home for a month. Shares in Dominos trade at 17682 pounds.
It's all coming together at Craven Cottage as Lawrie Sanchez proudly unveils his latest signings: Norman Whiteside, Sammy Nelson and that bloke from Ash.
There are rumblings of discontent at the Emirates that Arsène Wenger is taking his scientific, ultra-meticulous approach to training and conditioning too far. "He met Gillian McKeith at a charity do and he's taken to personally examining the players' poo every morning," complains Robin Van Persie. "He keeps muttering that Thierry's stools were much nicer."
Mark Hughes vows that Blackburn's disciplinary record will improve this season. "Look," he says. "Robbie Savage is back and everything."
September:
England labour to 1-1 home draws with Israel and Russia that leave their chances of Euro 2008 qualification hanging in the balance. "Let me assure you, those players are really hurting in there," says Steve McClaren. Rio Ferdinand says: "So that means we've qualified, does it? No? Oh. Whatever. See my watch? Cost 16 grand."
Lee Bowyer and Craig Bellamy are linking up well at Upton Park - "I grab hold of them," says Lee. "And Bello flushes their heads down the toilet." That nice Freddie Ljungberg isn't having a very good time.
Sheffield United take their heart-breaking appeal to play football in a higher division to the European Court Of Human Rights in The Hague and petition Amnesty to take up their cause. Nobody cares,
After snapping up Craig Gordon, Michael Chopra and Kieran Richardson for £20m, Keano takes his canny negotiating skills to the local Netto. "Four tins of beans for £1.19? I'll give you a fiver. Alright, call it ten. Okay, 15. My final offer. Jaysis. 20, then. 25 quid for the four tins, or I'll do yer."
October:
There's a Halloween nightmare for Chelsea when Frank Lampard is nearly drowned while bobbing for apples. Well, not really apples. More some bread he'd seen thrown into the Serpentine for the ducks.
"The Mac is back," blasts Steve McClaren as England thump one past Estonia in front of a delirious Wembley. Luckily for him, Estonia is not famous for any particular vegetable.
Faced with an artificial pitch in Russia, McClaren turns to artificial intelligence. "I will be replaced for this game by a robot of similar managerial capabilities to myself," he explains. England take to the pitch with a 1982 Morphy Richards Teasmaid in the dugout. It's a marked improvement, and the new manager provides refreshing, piping hot drinks on the dot of half-time.
It seems Arsenal may have found a replacement for Thierry. "When I saw the job advert for a flouncing, massively self-regarding solo artist whose best years are behind him, I knew I had to apply," declares Morrissey.
November:
Despite finishing fourth in their qualifying group, England have a stroke of luck when it turns out that Carlos Tevez is actually part-owned by the Russian Mafia and Mossad. Russia and Israel are docked points and England scrape in.
Problems for Villa when they have to fight off overtures from Lawrie O'Sanchez's London Northern Irish for the services of Martin O'Neill as co-manager and chief interpreter. And we would like to take this opportunity to clarify once again that Mr O'Neill would not in any way enter into discussions with any prospective employers while he was under contract and thanks again to him and his legal team for clearing that up.
Nigel Reo-Coker's bid to replicate West Ham's Baby Bentley culture at Villa is set back somewhat when he receives his new sponsored car from the frugal Villa regime: a second-hand Austin Metro.
There's a rare appearance for Gabriel Heinze this month when Ferguson allows him out of the Old Trafford holding cell to attend a family funeral. However, Heinze is handcuffed to Gary Neville throughout.
December:
After heckling the great Lionel Richie at John Terry's wedding, causing the Oxford English Dictionary to update its definition of the expression "pearls before swine", the players of Chelsea further demonstrate their class when they book Stevie Wonder to play at the Christmas party and make 'tosser' signs during Yesterme, Yesteryou, Yesterday.
Roy Keane shows that he learned plenty from Sir Fergie when it is revealed that his no-holds-barred, in-your-face bollockings are known as "the blowtorch". Big Niall Quinn intervenes to prevent Keano using an actual blowtorch on Kieran Richardson after a 3-0 home defeat by Derby.
John Terry's rehab is put back when a hungry Frank Lampard mistakes his bandaged leg for a turkey drumstick.
Lee Bowyer and Craig Bellamy are both suspended for fighting...at the West Ham Christmas party for local children's charities. "That little kid was looking at me funny," says Lee. "Still, at least we got his dinner money," reckons Craig.
January:
Lawrie Sanchez unveils new signing The Reverend Ian Paisley. Struggling Fulham face a relegation battle but Lawrie insists the firebrand Ulsterman will inspire the team. "We may be in a fight. But we will never surrender. NEVER. Fulham says NO," thunders the Reverend at a press conference.
Sheffield United's battle for justice has attracted some high-profile support. "I thought I'd seen suffering in Africa what with the starving kids and all," says Bono on stage at Live Blade. "But the sight of Sean Bean's little tear-stained face..."
With the signature of promising young winger Gary McPasty, the Old Firm finally complete their mission to sign every single Scottish player who has represented the country from under-14 level upwards. "And who knows," says Gordon Strachan. "Perhaps one of these guys will one day go on to play for the Celtic first team."
Worrying news for Aston Villa when it turns out that Randy Lerner is actually a made-up name after all and the now-bankrupt club have been the victim of an elaborate email scam.
'DEAR MR ELLIIS I AM RANDY LERNER SON OF FAMOUS WRESTLER MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND PREiSIDENT OF CLEVELAND BROWNHATTERS. I NEED YOU TO HOLD FUNDS OF 62 MILLION POUNDS WhiCH I CANNOT GET OUT OF COUNTRY IN EXAHCANGE YOU GIVE ME ASTON VANILLA FOOTCLUB'
Football365`s 2007/08 Crystal Ball (Two)
Osama makes a surprise appearance, West Ham go one step too far, Jose learns from 'Arry, and Kieron misinterprets third-party interference. Fortunately, this is all made up...
February
Roy Keane is so angry with himself after another Sunderland defeat that he severely twists his neck trying to shout in his own face. He then walks out on himself in disgust.
Leeds United's quest to find a buyer comes to a happy end when they are given away free with a copy of The Independent On Sunday.
There are further questions asked about the "fit and proper person to run a football club" debate when Reading are bought by Osama Bin Laden. The Premier League chairman's group address the concerns by saying, "Firstly, he is extremely rich. And second, Ozzy is terrific fun on the golf course. Thirdly, have you got a football club? No. And why? Because you're a lefty pauper."
It's feared that David Beckham has gone native in the US when he turns up for an England get-together weighing 270 pounds, wearing a bum bag (which he refers to as a "fanny pack"), talking loudly and saying that he's already "done Yoo-rope".
March
England play a warm-up friendly in Serbia but it is marred by racist chanting from the home fans. 'These Sick Racists Shame Soccer' says the Daily Mail. Also in the paper that day: 'Why Albanians Are Stealing Our Jobs', 'A Filthy Illegal Could Give YOU Cancer' and 'Send Them Back, It's The Only Language They Understand'.
The phrase 'The Battle Of Old Trafford' is used so often on Sky Sports that it is accidentally included in the GCSE History syllabus.
Carlos Tevez tries to free himself from the clutches of Kia Joorabchian after their relationship breaks down. "Daddy used to say I was his main earner," he sobs. "Now he say he gonna mess up my pretty face if I don't got his money".
Roy Keane employs Dennis Wise as his assistant. The relationship is a short, but unhappy one. Much like Dennis after disagreeing with Roy on the training ground.
April
Steve McClaren jumps for joy when Gareth Southgate fields a team of 11 lads from the Middlesbrough area. Could this be the future for England? It might be: they lose 14-0 at home to Bolton.
In a game against Portsmouth, West Ham field the Manchester United first team as their own. In the ensuing court case, Kieron Dyer gets very excited until it is properly explained to him that third-party interference isn't as fun as it sounds.
Big Eck McLeish puts the final touches to his preparations for Euro 2008. "I'm taking tha boys tae Disneyworld fae June. Wee Barry Ferguson got so excited he did a jobbie, the wee lamb," he tells the Daily Record.
Poor Chelsea suffer another bout of injuries and are reduced to a first-team squad of just 17 of the highest paid footballers in the world. Jose has used the phrase "down to the bare bones" so many times that he actually turns into Harry Redknapp, styling himself as "the special geezer", taking a keen interest in "the nags" and carrying an extremely elegant leather satchel stuffed full of used twenties, sources unknown.
May
ITV are delighted when the UEFA Cup Final is contested by Blackburn and Everton. "We're very happy with the viewing figures," says a corporation spokesman the next day. "You have to bear in mind that repeats of Keeping Up Appearances have been doing big numbers for the BBC. In the circumstances, I think that 1,487 viewers, many of them not in secure facilities, is a satisfying result."
"We're going all the way to the Ernst Happel Stadion" might not have quite the same ring to it, but the papers are decided: England's golden generation of footballers are finally going to deliver. With pages to fill and copies to shift over the slow summer months, McClaren and his overpaid underachievers suddenly find themselves back in favour and all the talk is of Rooney's brilliance, Gerro's drive, Lamps' passing and Gary Neville's never-say-die facial hair. Those sausage eaters won't know what's hit them.
It's a festival of Euro 2008 giddiness as the pubs fill up with dentists pretending to be football hooligans, grown men with painted faces and advertisers jumping on the football bandwagon to sell you everything from haemorrhoid cream ("Sore arse from watching too much footy on the sofa, mate?") to financial services ("If your GOAL is to by-PASS crippling financial debt, why not call our TEAM?" etc). You find yourself secretly wishing for the days of no back-pass law, getting chased all the way from the ground to the station by 400 Sergio Tacchini-wearing psychopaths and Graham Taylor being England manager.
England's final friendly sees them stick six past a team of the finest footballers in all of Guernsey. Glory surely awaits! Gary Lineker concludes his MOTD broadcast by quipping, "England are on a Viennese roll". Try not to kick your TV in, you might want it later.
June
After a goalless draw with Greece and a 2-0 defeat by Sweden, England need three points against hosts Austria in The Group Of Bored To Death. A David Beckham corner rebounds off John Terry's arse and into the net, representing England's only attempt on target. And indeed their only completed pass in the tournament to date. But the Three Lions are through!
"The best teams don't peak too early in a tournament, you know," say the Beckenbauers and the Gullits and the Garth Crookseses. "England are hitting form at just the right time, and the draw's opening up nicely." Perhaps this really is our year?
Sure enough, England produce their statutory one decent performance per tournament, spanking a hopeless Finland side 3-0 in the first knockout round. It later emerges that several of the Finnish team were "only in Switzerland to experience life in the fast lane" and were drinking heavily at half-time. Comparisons are favourably drawn between two-goal Joe Cole and Maradona.
Cesc Fabregas is the tabloid jackpot winner this time around, having the barefaced cheek to fall to the ground in the penalty area when John Terry kicks him in the mouth. The dastardly foreigner, who is SWARTHY and GOOD AT FOOTBALL, thus wins a penalty, securing a 1-1 draw for his country. A penalty shootout ensues, and England crash out as, once again, players earning 100 grand a week find themselves unable to kick a stationary ball into the goal from 12 yards. But 2010 is definitely going to be our year...