TEMA: TULL & TØYS

[kjelvi]

And Nick Leeson, the commercial director who has turned Galway United into the League of Ireland's only profitable club, hasn't completely shaken off all his old bad habits. "I trade with my own money when I get the time, I can't leave it alone entirely," said the man who brought down Barings bank. "I've made money but I can take a slap from time to time as well." (Guardian)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Leeson
http://www.nickleeson.com/


Traff Leeson på et utested i Galway august 2005.
Viste ikke hvem han var, men la merke til en kjedis i lokalet hvor alle flokket seg rundt han. Gikk bort for å hilse på og sjekke ut, noe som utviklet seg til en helaften sammen Leeson og hans gjeng og tre brisne gutter fra Norge.

Superskurk blir kjendis. Flytter til liten by - og flyter rått på det: damene flokker seg rundt han, gratis drikke på alle utesteder, et lite hoff av ja-folk som  vil henge med han (inkl. tre nordmenn), og full av skryt/pissprat om når han lurte hele finansverden.

Var ikke klar over at han faktisk har lykkes med noe - å få Galway Utd til å bli bra butikk.

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week  


The strain is beginning to tell  

"I have seen the film The Alamo and right now I feel like I've got Davy Crockett behind me. Sometimes I feel like I could put my head in a bucket of water."
Man City boss Stuart Pearce feels the heat after his side are dumped out of the FA Cup by Blackburn.

"Taking me from behind is something that is not worthy behaviour of a man."
Inter Milan's Nicolas Burdisso after having his nose broken by David Navarro of Valencia in their Champions League match.

"I don't like Ben Foster because he's just ended my dream. I am sick whenever I lose. Just ask my mum what I was like even when I lost at tiddlywinks as a kid. We threw everything we could at them - the kitchen sink, the golf clubs, everything. We emptied the garage and threw it at them - at least my garage is tidy now."
Plymouth boss Ian Holloway after an inspired display by Watford goalkeeper Ben Foster ended their FA Cup ambitions.

"I have to say I think one of my old favourite cartoon characters Mr Magoo would have seen that."
Holloway on the controversial goal scored by Sheffield Wednesday following what looked like a blatant foul on the Plymouth goalkeeper.

"In the last couple of seasons we have had an open-top bus parade in the town. So if we survive maybe we can all jump in Freddy's cart - it would certainly be different."
Southend goalkeeper Darryl Flahavan dreams of avoiding relegation and joining striker Freddy Eastwood in his pony and trap.

"Managers should have the right to have an opinion - they just have to be right."
Sir Alex Ferguson who, of course, is always right.


Are you Lee Peacock in disguise?

"As I got out of the car a dozen or so fans switched on a stereo and blasted out the Only Fools and Horses theme tune. I cracked up laughing and it set me up for the day, although I reckon the coat's more hippie-pimp than Del Boy Trotter!"
Swindon's Lee Peacock gets some stick for wearing a sheepskin coat.

"At 8-1 down I wanted him to finish me off because I wanted to get to the bar."
Barry Hawkins, beaten 9-1 by Ronnie O'Sullivan in the Irish Masters final.

"I don't feel integrated into English life at all. We cannot speak English, we don't know the culture and we are scared of appearing rude. My two children are in nursery and I didn't realise we should take a cake for the rest of the class on their birthday. In China, we don't do things like that."
Manchester City defender Sun Jihai reveals how he finds living in England difficult.

"I wish all ******s were like me. If this ****** had been in charge years ago, the club wouldn't have lost their training ground and all sorts of other bad things would not have happened."
QPR chairman Gianni Paladini reacts to fans chanting "Paladini is a ******" at the Ipswich game.


AND SOME FROM YOU

"It's only when Odubade opens his legs you can see how spectacular he really is."
Radio Oxford commentator commenting about Oxford United Striker Yemi Odubade! (Nick Bean, England).

"I wouldn't sell him for all the tea in China."
Queen of the South chairman in response to reports about the prospect of star striker Steven Dobbie moving to China. (Jonny Guild, Scotland).

"As soon as he gets it, you have to get straight up his backside."
Plymouth's Paul Connolly describes how he will cope with Watford's Tommy Smith. (Duncan, England).

"There are plenty of taxis waiting outside to take us but where they are going to take us we don't know."
Carlisle manager Neil McDonald on whether they will make the play-offs or not. (Scott Brown, Huddersfield).


It's just like watching Barca

"They're like a bad haircut - lots going forward, nothing at the back."
Robbie Earle describing the Barcelona team against Liverpool. (Colin Hewett, Croxley Green).

"The road to Athens is still very much alive."
MUTV's Steve Bower at the end of the Manchester United Lille cup tie. Sounds like the next round might be dangerous! (Libby Curran).

"I made a mistake. But we need to get things into perspective. We didn't invade Iraq. This is a furry ball going over a net."
ATP Tour chief, Etienne de Villiers, after James Blake was knocked out of the Las Vegas Open, reinstated by de Villiers and then told he was out again. (Dan Brown, England).

"Two words - Steve Gibson chairman."
Mark Lawrenson during the Boro-United Cup tie. (Steve, United Kingdom).

"I would not have gone out on loan to just any side, it had to be one which plays football."
Danny Guthrie on his loan move to Southampton from Liverpool. (Alex Bridger, England).

"If this carries on, players will soon be getting four months inside for celebrating a goal."
Martin O'Neill on seeing John Carew celebrating Villa's goal against Fulham and getting booked. (Jack Yates, England).


Now where's that darned cab?

"I think he's calling a cab."
Mark Lawrenson when Steve Coppell was caught on camera on his mobile after Man United had gone three up after six minutes against Reading. (Mick G, Leeds).

"I'm certainly getting more people recognising me since winning the world title. Mind you, that might be because I'm driving around in a van with 'Wolfie' plastered across it!"
BDO darts champion Martin Adams. (Conrad Edkins, UK).

"I only went for the maximum because I thought I was going to win a car, but now I've found out I'm not going to win one, I'm gutted!"
Ronnie O'Sullivan after discovering they had changed the maximum break prize at the Irish Masters. (Adam Oakley, Scotland).

"That's the way to take a penalty - whack it as hard as you can. If you don't know where it's going, the keeper won't either!"
Eddie Lewis on Benni McCarthy after the game at Bolton. (Louwrens Botha, SA).

"Stevie Wonder could have seen the danger there."
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day talking about Nemanja Vidic's poor defending against Liverpool. (Andy DC, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Love, Lovell tear you apart, again."
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts. (Fraser C, Scotia).

"You're not Scottish anymore!"
Aberdeen fans chant to Hearts who were lacking in Scottish players during Aberdeen's 1-0 win. (Stuart Gray, Aberdeen).

"We agree with Mike Newell!"
Sung by Forest fans at Scunthorpe to lineswoman Amy Rayner, who made some questionable decisions. (Matt).

"Always look on the bright side of life."
PSV fans to Arsenal after knocking them out of the Champions League. (Peter, England).

"Nicholls, Nicholls whats the score?"
Leeds fans ask their former captain Kevin Nicholls what the score is as they defeat Luton 1-0 - just one week after he declared he would rather play for Luton than United, his current employers. (James Lincoln, England).


Friends for life  

"There's only one Rudi Voller!"
Liverpool Fans to Barca manager Frank Rijkaard who spat at Voller in the 1990 World Cup. (Kenny D, UK).

"Who's the daddy?"
Punters shout to owner and former champion trainer Martin Pipe after Gaspara, the horse trained by his son, David, won the Imperial Cup at Sandown. (Frank, London).

"Going down with the Watford!"
Grays Athletic fans when they saw Anton Ferdinand watching the FA Trophy game against Stevanage. (Dean Graham, England).

"We're not boring any more!"
Plymouth fans to former manager Tony Pulis at the Stoke game. (Nick Soper).

"Lasagne, Whoaoa, Lasagne, Whoaoa. We laughed ouselves to bits, when Tottenham got the s***s!"
West Ham fans referring to Tottenham's alleged food poisoning before the corresponding fixture last season. (Joe S, London).

"You put ya Argentines in, Ya Argentines out,
The Iceman comes and kicks the gaffer out,
Ya selling Reo-Coker & ya going down
That's why we love to shout.......
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham.
Misfits, has-beens, ha ha ha!!"
Spurs fans give it back - with bells on. (Paul King, England).


Kilde: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6441141.stm

[kjelvi]

Sist ukes highlights fra BBC:



Quotes of the Week  


It's not the first time Freddie's had a tipple

"It just goes to show that cricketers can be as stupid as footballers."
Former England manager Graham Taylor on Andrew Flintoff's drunken antics.

"I'm laughing, I think it's quite amusing. I think it's a total over-reaction. Some guys go to bed at 1030 tired and frustrated, other guys go and have a drink. The big mistake is getting caught."
Ian Botham leaps to the defence of Flintoff.

"No one really knows if they were really drunk. Freddie probably was, lurching about in a brightly coloured plastic float that goes at about 1mph full steam. I wonder if he had his dark glasses on? A pedalo of all things is made for drunken slapstick. I know it was very unprofessional of him and I can see why the fans are so peed off, but if you are going to eff up, you might as well do it in grand style."
'Old Regret' on the 606 messageboards.

"Can we all be grateful that Freddie didn't find a jetski."
Another 606 user has the final word on Freddie.

"I said to Paul when we walked off: 'It had to be you, of all people'."
England number two Ben Foster after England number one Paul Robinson scored a 95-yard goal against him in the Spurs-Watford match.

"I think I might have to mention it once or twice when the England squad gets together."
Robinson responds.

"Unfortunately I don't have a scoring bonus written into my contract!"
But its not all joy for the Tottenham keeper.


I'm a sort, I'm a geezer  

At Chelsea, everyone's 'geezer'. "All right, geezer?", "Morning, geezer". Some of the foreign boys come in like Sheva, who can hardly speak a word of English, and within a couple of weeks, all he can say is "Alright, geezer"!
Chelsea's Frank Lampard tells this week's Nuts magazine about the geezer culture at Stamford Bridge.

"It won't happen again!"
Stuart Pearce on arriving late for Man City's press conference with Chelsea - fearing it might be his last.

"I may be able to put a good book tape on in the car on the way home and I will have a smile on my face."
Pearce celebrates City's 2-0 win at Middlesbrough in style. A few more win bonuses and he might even be able to afford a cd player for his car.

"It was very difficult to get in touch with the French national team after the World Cup. You know the French!"
Arsene Wenger on the difficulties of trying to chat with France about 'over-using' Thierry Henry. The Arsenal manager blames Les Bleus for ending Henry's season early.

"My brother and I are always playing F1 on the PlayStation and now I am going to be in one of those cars on the games!"
Lewis Hamilton gets the best possible training for his Formula 1 debut on Sunday. And it clearly paid off.

"If we are going to go Americanised we are going to have all these girls waving things every time there is a goal. You ask them to run up and down in Sheffield with very little clothing on - it would be hard work for them."
Blades boss Neil Warnock is not a fan of ideas to 'jazz up' football.

"They call me Ninja Turtle because I have a really muscular back - and they reckon it looks like a shell!"
QPR striker Marc Nygaard after his spectacular goal against Leicester.


Are you Nygaard in disguise?

"I wouldn't want the timekeeper to boil me an egg!"
Wigan coach Brian Noble after learning there were four minutes of injury time in the Super League clash with Harlequins.

"I would walk back from the United States to play for England again."
Former England captain David Beckham on his passion to play for his country again.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"We knew it would be tough and at 2-0 down I might have given my right arm to get a draw, I'm glad I didn't as I wouldn't have been able to clap the fans at the end."
Shrewsbury Town manager Gary Paters reflecting on the draw at Macclesfield. (Rich Dormer, London).

"I don't walk past him (John Wardle) every day and ask him if I've got his full support. The other night he bought me a sandwich at the reserve game and that's a real show of affection from our chairman."
Stuart Pearce remains upbeat about the pressure regarding his job. (Paul Gorrie, Spain).

"Rodriguez is on his backside again, trying to get it away from Keane."
David Pleat commentating on the Tottenham v Braga match. (Ben Ling, Norwich).

"They were more than on time. They were so early they brought the milk in!"
Sunderland manager Roy Keane on being asked whether Anthony Stokes, Tobias Hysen and Marton Fulop had arrived promptly for training the day after being left out of the team for being late. (Ken Daglish, England).


Woof woof!

"That was an Andrex shot, soft, strong and very, very long."
The ever-entertaining words of Ben Dirs on the West Indies v Pakistan TMS updates. (Ian Mc, Cumbria).

"He's like a terrier, Scholes, he won't let go - even the postman would be afraid of him."
Ageless Irish commentator Jimmy Magee during RTE's coverage of the Man U vs Europe XI game. (John, Ireland).

"On paper you'd say we are a decent side. unfortunately, we don't play on paper, we play on grass."
Scotland cricket Dougie Brown on how his side could cause an upset in the CWC. (Hal Roberts, New Zealand).

"He could open a baked beans tin with that left foot."
Ray Wilkins on Guti after he had set up Real Madrid's third goal in the 3-3 draw with Barcelona. (Tom Hilton, England).

"I can swear that it didn't happen. It's the same if you told my wife I'm gay. You'd have a big laugh."
Tottenham Boss Martin Jol on reports that the board ordered him to play star striker Dimitar Berbatov. (Gary W, S.Yorkshire).

"He'll walk into the England training camp feeling six feet tall."
Jamie Redknapp believes Andy Johnson will feel a whole five inches taller after that goal against Arsenal. (Graeme Claridge, England).

"Everyone seems to be jumping around like p****d-up students to House of Pain's "Jump Around' as they leap for dropping balls in the swirling wind. Nobody makes contact with the ball."
Charlie Henderson from your very own live text for the Arsenal Everton game. (Kane, UK).

"That's a delicate sweet shop."
Radio Five Live commentator gets his words in a twist, having meant to describe Ed Joyce's delicate "sweep shot". (Nikki Strode, England).


Stubbsy - top bloke, terrible singer

"That's a song even Ray Stubbs couldn't ruin!"
Gary Lineker on Charlton's new midfielder, Alex Song. (Jer, England).

Jonathan Pearce: "There's Abel Xavier sitting in the background behind Gareth Southgate."
Mark Lawrenson: "I thought it was King Neptune."
During the Middlesbrough-Man Utd FA Cup tie last Saturday. (Aaron Pan, London).

"I hear the AZ Alkmaar keeper is a possible Dutch cap, but I thought they were meant to stop things!"
Joe Royle commentating on Newcastle's four-goal first half display in the Uefa Cup first leg. (David Jaggs, UK).

"He has taken to first team football like a duck to water."
Commentator talking about Plymouth's 17-year-old Dan Gosling. (Helen Burnett, England).

"Gerkin has got himself in a pickle."
Coventry and Warwickshire reporter Adam Dent talking about Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerkin. (Lee Bunting, England).

"Saints did not just shoot themselves in the foot, they reloaded and fired again."
The title on the Southampton official website after they lost 2-1 to Colchester. (Sam, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK:
"Stick your pasties up your a***"
Watford fans to Plymouth. (Kristian Melson, England).

"You dirty northern b******s!"
Plymouth fans whenever a Watford player committed a foul. (Beverley Diamond, England).

"One ball! You've only got one ball!"
Chant from Morton supporters after they refused to give back four of the five balls being used by the Stirling subs at half-time. (John Montgomery, Scotland).

"You'll support Man U next year!"
Spurs fans singing to their 'fickle' Chelsea counterparts. (Joe Duane, England).


Jamie who?

"There's only one Jamie Oliver!"
Cardiff fans to Delia Smith's Norwich. (Haydn, South Wales).

"Kenny Deuchar, Whoaoah, Kenny Deucahr, Whoaoah. He signed from Gretna Green, He is a goal machine."
New chant at Northampton Town. (Stewart Dee, UK).

"It's free, and you're stood outside!"
Torquay fans to a bunch of Accrington Stanley fans who were stood outside the ground watching the match when it was free entry. (Ben Brace, England).

"Are you Wombles in disguise?"
Peterborough fans as Posh beat MK Dons (formerly known as Wimbledon) 4-0. (Paul, UK).

"Back to school on Monday, back to school on Monday, na na na na."
Wigan fans' retort to a bunch of young Fulham fans singing at them. (John, Wigan).

"Stick your bow and arrow up your a***!"
Gillingham fans tell Forest what they think about their famous archer. (Steven Bryant, England).

Barnet-Stockport banter as the Bees ended Stockport's unbeaten run:
Barnet: "You can stick your record up your a***!"
Stockport: "We've got more fans than you."
Barnet: "We've got more goals than you."
Stockport: "We've got more points than you."
Barnet: "3-1, even Hatchy scored." (John, Barnet).


http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6467799.stm

[Ferre]

100 artige fakta:

http://www.vgb.no/2420/perma/44316/

-WE'LL BE BACK-

[kjelvi]

Kicking up a stink: The Top 10 goalmouth blunders

As Paul Robinson and Ben Foster fight it out to be England's No 1, we remember the greatest goalkeeping gaffes
England's last European Championship qualifier against Croatia ended in defeat and with Paul Robinson wishing the earth would swallow him up after taking a swing at a Gary Neville back-pass only for the ball to hit a divot, bobble over his foot and plant itself firmly in the back of the net.

The Tottenham Hotspur goalkeeper redeemed his reputation somewhat last weekend, when he scored for his club against Watford with a free-kick travelling 110 yards, according to the groundsman. Unfortunately for Steve McClaren, the goalkeeper left with egg on his face this time was Ben Foster, the England coach's current second-choice.

Before the pair prepare for action in Israel, here is a gentle reminder of what not to do...

1. Massimo Taibi Manchester United v Southampton 1999 - Matt Le Tissier's tame shot crawls towards Taibi from 25 yards and squirms under his body.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HrrfGaRGmA0

2. Ben Foster Tottenham v Watford 2007 - Paul Robinson's clearance from beside his own penalty area sails through the air and bounces once over Foster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukWoK_Isvko&mode=related&search=

3. Peter Enckleman Birmingham City v Aston Villa 2002 â€" Received a throw in to kick out, but swung wildly at the ball which rolled gently into the net behind him.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lNcXLRsOUQQ

4. Kelvin Davis Southampton v QPR 2006 - In trying not to concede a corner, the Southampton goalkeeper gives away something slightly worse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRamdXFsQw

5. Fabian Barthez Manchester United v Deportivo 2001 - The Frenchman rushes out of the box to attempt a sliding tackle but misses the ball to offer Diego Tristan an open goal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRamdXFsQw

6. Jerzy Dudek Liverpool v Manchester United 2002 - Jamie Carragher heads back to the Liverpool goalkeeper who lets the ball slip through his grasp allowing Diego Forlan to score.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Su_nkU5JV9Q

7. Shay Given Coventry v Newcastle 1997 â€" The Newcastle keeper puts the ball on the ground to kick out, not noticing Dion Dublin behind him who steals the ball and rolls it into the empty net.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcDuUcB_78U

8. Rene Higuita Colombia v Cameroon 1990 - "El Loco" decides to dribble in midfield, but is robbed by Roger Milla who comfortably scores and knocks Colombia out of the World Cup.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dyTeekS9pLc

9. Paul Robinson Croatia v England 2006 - Gary Neville is credited with the own goal but the blame lies squarely with the England goalkeeper.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vROdBK8Ws0A

10. The worst of the rest: And finally a collection of mishaps that remind us of the schoolboy rule: don't take your eye off the ball.
http://www.funnyvideos.be/videos/Funny_Sports_Clips/GoalKeeper_Blunders


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/global/article1543645.ece

[lojosang]

Ingen av disse kommer opp mot denne perlen fra vår egen Bjarte Flem!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW8OJ4DKXEQ

Trenge vel for fakerten  ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! []

[Per-Stian]

Utruleg mykje bra her! Hugsar spesielt godt Dixon sin vipp over Seaman frå den tida Nrk sendte tippekampar, då tilbakespel var tillatt.

[kjelvi]

And former Millwall, Wimbledon and Shrewsbury forward Steve Anthrobus, 37, has been fined £500 for having $ex in a public place: a field in Brownhills, Staffordshire. He admitted outraging public decency along with Debbie Matthews, 40, who was fined £250. Anthrobus admitted the charge after making what his solicitor Stephen Thomas described as "a difficult call to his wife" before the hearing. Anthrobus came second in a BBC Football Focus poll of the Shrews' cult heroes in 2004. After this escapade, he'll win it next time.

Guardian

[kjelvi]

John Hartson is expecting a visit from the bizzies after drunkenly throwing up in a cab, before refusing to pay the £85 fare and flashing his backside at the driver. "I've got a great cute b*m," said Hartson to cabbie Mo Ajaib - who was recording their conversation on his phone. "You're a dirty b*tch," he added. Leicestershire police plan to investigate, though Hartson has now vowed to pay up.

Guardian

[kjelvi]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Lord Ferg: "F*****g b@stard."
Geoff Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that."
Ferg: "F**k off to you."
Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that. Don't even think about it."
Ferg: "Don't you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?"
Shreeves: "Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?"
Ferg: "You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You're the one."
Shreeves: "I'm entitled to ask. Cristiano [Ronaldo] gave the right answer."
Ferg: "F***ing hell with your answers."
Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don't talk to me like that."
Ferg: "F**k off."

Lord Ferg indulges Sky's Geoff Shreeves in some light-hearted Glasgow patter after the MU Rowdies' FA Cup win over Middlesbrough. The BBC was later forced to can their interview with Gareth Southgate when their microphones picked up Ferg's volley of abuse


Guardian


Ooooops egen tråd om saken: http://www.luscos.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=7967

[kjelvi]

The Quotes Of The Week


From Sir Fergie's friendly chat with Geoff Shreeves, through Bjorn Runstrom's absolutely marvellous rant, checking in on Ben Foster post-Spurs and ending up with David Beckham's walking plans...

* "I asked him..." - Geoff Shreeves starts talking to Sir Fergie...

* "F*****g (inaudible) bastard" - Sir Alex Ferguson, Knight of the Realm, responds with the courtesy you would expect from a man of his rank.

* "Don't talk to me like that" - Shreeves.

* "F**k off to you" - Fergie.

* "Don't talk to me like that. Don't even think about it" - Shreeves.

* "Don't you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?" - Fergie.

* "Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?" - Shreeves.

* "You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You're the one" - Fergie. Or possibly an angry 13-year-old girl. We're losing track.

* "I'm entitled to ask...Cristiano gave the right answer" - Shreeves.

* "F*****g hell with your answers" - Fergie.

* "Don't talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don't talk to me like that" - Shreeves.

* "F**k off" - Fergie.

* "It was a disgrace. I was disgusted" - Sir Alex Ferguson offers his opinion of the questions posed to Ronaldo by Shreeves after sobering up. Sorry, calming down.

* "I don't know why they carry on like that. Maybe some people don't like me. Maybe it is because I am too good for them" - Cristiano Ronaldo can't imagine why anyone calls him a diver.

* "In that situation, we would all love to do that" - Gareth Southgate, erm, condemns James Morrison for his foul on Ronaldo.

* "It's a disgrace. I know Gareth's a friend of Stuart Pearce's and they had Manchester United to face. But it's scandalous and I would love to see them lose their next six games and see how they feel in the last couple, under that sort of pressure. I don't think a club like Boro should disrespect Sheffield United. To not have any of those players playing against City, especially with the way they are playing at the moment, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. He's only a young manager but I hope that one day it happens to him and he sees what effect it can have. They play West Ham next and Alan Curbishley is another mate of his. He'll probably not bother there, either" - If Sheffield United go down, it will be because of one individual result in a game they weren't even involved in, says Neil Warnock.

* "I do not think we were being disrespectful to anyone. Quite frankly, I will pick who I want. It is not my responsibility to pick a team for other clubs" - Gareth Southgate treats Warnock's whining with the contempt it deserves.

* "I really didn't have anything lined up, when I got a phone call from my wife saying Barcelona were interested" - Henrik Larsson. Yeah, we know how that goes, Henrik, our wife phoned to say the Harlem Globetrotters wanted to recruit us just yesterday

* "I wouldn't bet a penny on them staying up. They dug their own grave when they sacked Newell and put me on the bench. An iceberg would have a greater chance of making it in Hell than Luton have of staying in the Championship. Against Ipswich, we played the same as we have lately - like s**t. I prefer the bench to going out on a pitch where half my team kick the ball as high and far as possible and the other half run away to avoid getting a pass. Some of the guys would be good American football kickers. The others should get out of football. I hope I don't stay here and be humiliated. For the fans' sake, I still hope for a win. But with these clowns for coaches, I doubt it" - Bjorn Runstrom unleashes a tremendous rant.

* "Our defenders can go out and buy a hot dog during the game. He is completely harmless. He's scored one goal in around thirty games in the Championship. On the other hand, that happened while the opposition were out buying a hot dog!" - Runstrom offers his opinion of Luton colleague Warren Feeney, a possible opponent when Norn Iron clash with Sweden next week.

* "Runstrom is spineless, he is a maggot of a man. He's not fit to lace Warren Feeney's boots" - Luton defender Sol Davis hits back.

* "I like the food, it has been excellent. I especially enjoy fish and chips" - Carlos Tevez is enjoying life in England.

* "I need my weight for strength, like Wayne Rooney or Paul Gascoigne" - Carlos Tevez. Quite possibly on his way to the chippy.

* "Too often crosses come into our box, they are not defended properly and bad decisions are made. I have to find defenders who are good enough to play in front of Shay Given" - Glenn Roeder. He's talking about you, Titus.

* "We've been to Anfield and beaten the Liverpool first team on a number of occasions over the last 20 years, so why the hell should we be insulted by having to play their reserves?" - Brighton chairman Dick Knight isn't impressed by Rafa Benitez' claim that Liverpool Reserves should be allowed to play in the Football League.

* "What can I do? You know the French" - Arsene Wenger's still not too happy about Les Bleus' use of Thierry.

* "Maybe United could give Watford the FA Cup if they were to have the Premiership and the Champions League" - Ben Foster finds himself stuck in the middle.

* "I don't have a scoring bonus written into my contract" - Post-Watford, Paul Robinson prepares to sack his agent.

* "There were chants of 'England's number one' and 'England's number two' all game. But after the goal, there were a few chants of 'England's number four'" - Ben Foster.

* "There were some problems to solve and if you see the money of the club's owner, you would expect those problems to be solved. But that didn't happen and the reason given for the club not to hire new players were the alleged problems between me and Abramovich, who even stopped going to the games, although nobody cared to know why. I said, 'who am I to question the owner of the club?' Abramovich is the almighty in Chelsea" - Jose Mourinho doesn't sound at all bitter, does he?

* "It does do my head in to see David Nugent called up like that for England, to be honest with you. He's a good player, but I don't think I'm getting a fair crack at the England set-up" - Michael Chopra, abject failure at Premiership football, maintains that a good season in the fizzy-pop league should have been rewarded by England.

* "The other night he bought me a sandwich at the reserve game and that's a real show of affection from our chairman" - Stuart Pearce focuses on the good signs.

* "We tend to try and get as many points as we can and see where that takes us" - Pompey's Joe Jordan reveals his side's tactics.

* "We'll need a plastic surgeon" - Sam Allardyce upon being asked if the battering at Old Trafford would 'leave any scars' on his team.

* "I just ducked and the stewards got to him. The way he ran at me I think he'd had a few drinks. I don't think he should have been on the pitch in the first place" - Frank Lampard informs us that there's a no-alcohol rule for pitch invaders.

* "At Chelsea, everyone's 'geezer'. 'All right, geezer?'. 'Morning, geezer.' Some of the foreign boys come in like Sheva, who can hardly speak a word of English, and within a couple of weeks, all he can say is 'Alright, geezer?'" - Frank Lampard. Boy, do we wish that fan had connected.

* "I'd walk back from the States to play for England again" - David Beckham.


Kilde: http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_2009966,00.html

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week


Everything's fantastic

"Someone who has watched a lot of international football told me it was as good a display of football as they had seen over the entire weekend."
England coach Steve McClaren appears to have been talking to an imaginary friend after the tedious draw in Israel.

"It's paradise. The sea is turquoise blue, the hotels are right on the beach, it's really picture-postcard. It's easy to get sucked in that this is a wonderful holiday place, well it is if all you are doing is holidaying."
Geoff Boycott on the distractions for players in the West Indies during the Cricket World Cup.

"The hanging judges, snitches and do-gooders who shopped Freddie should get a life."
Ian Botham slams Andrew Flintoff's critics following his pedalo jaunt.

"For me it is a penalty. Why when Cristiano is involved is it always polemic?"
Cristiano Ronaldo become possibly the first footballer ever to use the word polemic in an interview.

"It's a disgrace. I know Gareth's a friend of Stuart Pearce's and they had Manchester United to face. But it's scandalous and I would love to see them lose their next six games and see how they feel under that sort of pressure. They play West Ham next and Alan Curbishley is another mate of his. He'll probably not bother there, either."
Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock condemns Boro counterpart Gareth Southgate for resting key players ahead of the FA Cup quarter-final replay.

"Quite frankly, I will pick who I want."
Southgate hits back.


Fry is a pie fan

"No-one would want to watch the reserve teams of any club - I don't care if they're Real Madrid, Juventus or Fray Bentos!"
Peterborough director of football Barry Fry rubbishes Rafa Bentiez's suggestion that Liverpool reserves should play in the Football League.

"Forget Buster Douglas v Mike Tyson - toppling those two cricketing heavyweights was more like your local pub bruiser v Sugar Ray Robinson."
Scotland cricketer Paul Hoffmann on facing Australia and South Africa in the Cricket World Cup.

"An iceberg would have a greater chance of making it in Hell than Luton have of staying in the Championship. Against Ipswich, we played the same as we have lately - like s***."
A Swedish website quoting Luton's on-loan striker Bjorn Runstrom. The player later claimed someone else posing as him had done the interview.

"He gave the penalty and then he pointed the other way. It's a disgrace. I don't know what he sent me off for - I wasn't listening - walking on the pitch perhaps?"
Dennis Wise is unimpressed by the performance of referee Nigel Miller after Leeds's 1-1 draw with fellow strugglers Southend.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I have seen Arsenal and Man United and they are both football teams."
Liverpool youth coach Steve Heighway on his team's possible FA youth cup final opposition. (Alex M, UK).

"Langeveldt played the Bakerloo and it went down the Piccadilly."
TMS on South African Carl Langeveldt completely misjudging the line against Australia. (Stephen F, UK)

"I got a half-time cup of tea to warm myself up but have managed to spill it all over my crotch. Loving the stadium though!"
Anonymous texter to BBC who couldn't take in how "hot" the new Wembley is! (Chris Kershaw, UK).

"And if Bangladesh lose to Bermuda, I'll eat...these binoculars!"
Arlo White doesn't get at all carried away on TMS. (Robbie, UK).


Kick me baby one more time

"That kicked like a...snake."
Mark Nicholas commentating on a Scottish ball during the Scotland-Netherlands Cricket World Cup match. Snakes don't have feet, though! (Stewart Slaymaker).

"We are one point behind Newcastle now, so if we get a draw at St James's we'll be level on points."
Paul Addison on BBC Radio Cleveland before the recent Middlesbrough-Newcastle game, not quite understanding that home teams get points for draws too. (Bruce, UK).

"I think we have done well to get him away from Cheltenham today."
Commentator about Robbie Fowler in the Europe XI v Man Utd game. (Richard Lashbrooke).

"That's about two, three inches away from the danger zone."
Mark Nicholas after Jacques Kallis played on to his nether regions. (Peter, London).

"How delighted are you? I mean, you must be delighted, but how delighted are you?"
"I'm delighted."
Post match interviewer and captain Habibul Bashar on Bangladesh's progression to the Super Eights. (Stephen F, UK).

"Ganguly definitely probably won't play in the next World Cup."
Darren Gough on Five Live. (Nick, England).

"Dwayne Leverock is fielding at first slip, second slip and third."
David Lloyd commentating on the 20-stone Bermudan cricketer. (Shyamal, India).


Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

"The team colours of both these sides need no introduction - Tottenham are in white and Chelsea are in blue."
John Motson just before the kick-off at the Spurs v Chelsea FA Cup replay. (Pete Dennis, Wales).

"The only thing bright about Braga in the first half was their shirts!"
David Pleat commentating on Spurs v Braga. (Chris Hirst, Darlington).

"Being a hooker in this weather isn't an enviable job, you're cold, isolated, alone and then you're expected to drop it on a sixpence."
From Sky Sports commentary at the Cornish Pirates v Rotherham game as rain and wind lashed Camborne (commentators David Barnes and Will Chigwell). (Leon, Russia).

Match reporter: "They have literally been throwing the kitchen sink at them in the last few minutes."
Jeff Stelling: "If they're literally throwing the kitchen sink at them, one piece of advice - duck!"
Classic Jeff Stelling. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).

"He should be good; he's Captain of 680 million people."
Charlton manager Alan Pardew on Charlton's Chinese Skipper Zheng Zhi after his impressive display against Newcastle. (Tommy Blanche, UK).

"It is always good to cross the bridge and venture down to Cornwall. There were four teams in the draw and we were always going to be drawn against one of three, either home or away."
Graham Dawe, Plymouth Albion's Director of Rugby after the Semi-Final draw of the EDF Trophy against the Cornish Pirates. (Salisbury Pirate, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK


No more excuses, Stokesy!

"Stokesy, Stokesy, what's the time?"
Sunderland fans to Anthony Stokes at the Stoke game (he was late for the Barnsley game and subsequently dropped). Lee Jones, UK

"Argentina!"
Man United fans leap to the defence of Argentine Gabriel Heinze who had just been pushed over by Middlesbrough's Brazilian midfielder Fabio Rochemback. (Sea Bass, England).

"Where's ya caravan?"
Leeds fans to Luton's Scandinavian striker Bjorn Runstrom, who has long hair. (Jack Dickinson, UK).

"Shall we catch the ball for you?"
Scotland cricket fans in the World Cup match with the Netherlands after first slip dropped a catch early on and it raced to the boundary. (Chris Lawton, England).

"Sit down potato head."
West Brom fans to Birmingham boss Steve Bruce. (Sam, UK).

"England's number nine!"
Spurs fans after Paul Robinson scored with a 90-yard free kick against Watford. (Alfie, UK).

"We're off to Wembley - you're off to Burnley."
Blackburn fans to West Ham. (Mark Davies, England).

"You can shove your ******* railway up your a***!"
Bristol City fans singing to Crewe fans at Gresty Road. (Chris, Bristol).

"Where's the ****** with the bell?"
Reading fans taunting Pompey's infamous bell man.

"There's the ****** with the bell!"
Reading fans when the bell man surfaced 20 minutes later. (Alex, England).


http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/6496333.stm

[kjelvi]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I don't fight about girlfriends. I have a lot of them, and I am married" - Pompey's Zimbabwean striker Benjani Mwaruwari denies that his reported brawl with international team-mate Peter Ndlovu in a Harare hotel had anything to do with a lady.


Guardian

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week


"Nobody can stop him. Probably the only way to do it is to kill him. When he runs at you, you try to grab his shirt or do whatever you can. But he just goes past you, makes fun out of you and leaves you kicking the air.

Even when he is sitting on a bike, Cristiano is doing tricks. He eats with the ball, he watches TV with the ball. He probably even sleeps with the ball."
Manchester United full-back Patrice Evra waxes lyrical about team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo.

"We were good friends until we started winning, then he started changing his mind. He has very good relationships with managers of teams that normally he beats."
Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez kicks off the Champions League semi-final war of words with Jose Mourinho.

"This is absolutely fantastic - it is better than sex!"
Jockey Robbie Power after winning the Grand National on Silver Birch.

"You might get some now, then!"
Winning trainer Gordon Elliott's instant reply to Power.

"When you are in a dogfight you have to fight like dogs. If it is a gunfight you can't afford to go in with just a knife."
Chris Coleman, just before he swapped his weapons of choice for a P45 after being sacked by Fulham

"It's about 30 more than I've been getting lately!"
England captain Michael Vaughan after top-scoring with 30 in the World Cup win over Bangladesh.

"They've got the devil in them - and that comes from the manager."
QPR manager John Gregory on Sunderland's Roy Keane after the Black Cats' 2-1 win.

"I don't give two hoots about West Ham...it would be nice to be puffing on a cigar now but we don't do things like that."
Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock after seeing his side beat fellow-strugglers West Ham 3-0.

"With a team you live in a tunnel and sometimes you have to go down and flirt with hell to see how much you can deal with that, so that you become stronger. But you go quickly to hell and very slowly to heaven."
Arsene Wenger gets all philosophical after Arsenal's defeat of Bolton.


And in goal for Portsmouth...

"It just had to go. It was a bit tongue in cheek when I said I'd grow it until I set a new record. The way games have gone for me I'd probably end up looking like Santa Claus by the time it happens!"
David James - one clean sheet away from a Premiership record - decides to have a shave.

"There have been cup shocks before but this would be up there with man landing on the moon."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd ahead of their FA Cup semi-final with Man Utd. He wasn't wrong.

"I think the Bosman thing is a pile of donkey dung."
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway after learning midfielder Tony Capaldi is considering his future.

"If I could go back in time I would have stayed at home."
Roma coach Luciano Spalletti after seeing his side beaten 7-1 by Manchester United.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"As they say in Italy, it's Goodnight Vienna."
Century FM Commentator as Man Utd went 5-0 up against Roma. (Kronstein, England).

"Extra time probably came at the wrong time for us."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's FA Cup defeat by Chelsea. When exactly was he expecting extra time to come?! (Paul Gorrie, Spain).


No flies on Nigel...

"I've been saying for a long time now that the bottom three will go down."
Nigel Winterburn commenting on who he thinks will be relegated from the Premiership this season. (Kevin, England).

"I think we deserved the three points."
Michael Essien gets a little bit confused as to what he's achieved, having rifled home the last gasp Champions League winner against Valencia. (Adam Pearce, England). It must be a Chelsea thing - Wayne Bridge said exactly the same after winning the Carling Cup.

"It was always going to be a must-win game against England, but now it becomes even more must-win."
Jacques Kallis on South Africa's crunch game against England. Which they must win. (Chris,England).

"I look forward to taking the club into a new era."
Comment from new Luton chairman David Pinkney - just as the club look certain to be relegated! (Luke, UK).

Martin Brundle: "Congratulations on your fifth pole, Felipe."
Felipe Massa: "You've just congratulated me on the next one because this is my fourth!"
ITV's Martin Brundle looks into the future on his gridwalk before F1's Malaysian GP. (Phil, England).

"I'd compare him to the incomparable George Best."
David Pleat singing Cristiano Ronaldo's praises during Man Utd's win over Roma. (Sotirios Alpanis, England).

"He wears a suit; so he's a tactician. He wears a tracksuit; so he's a motivator. He carries a clipboard; so he's a bus conductor."
Stuart Pearce on Rafa Benitez ahead of City's match with Liverpool at Eastlands. (Stuart McKinney, Northern Ireland).


Punny old game for Saj

"Those jokes were getting me down but that wicket's really brightened Mahmood."
A terrible pun following a Saj Mahmood wicket on the Cricinfo website - in response to a few even worse ones during the England-Bangladesh game. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).

Interviewer : So is the pressure now on Manchester United?
Jose Mourinho: No, no pressure. If they play well, they will win. If they don't play well, they will get a penalty and still win.
Mourinho after Chelsea closed the gap at the top of the Premiership to three points. (Chris Brown, Wales).

"Some chap in the crowd spies the camera and starts pointing at his lady-friend's devil's dumplings. Marvellous stuff...I mean, no need for that..."
Fantastic stuff from Ben Dirs commenting on extra-curricular activities at the England-Bangladesh match. (Phil Railton, England).

"If games were only 80 minutes long we would be around 15th or 16th."
Aidy Boothroyd thinks the game of football is too long for Watford to cope with. (Maroof, Surrey).

"Giggs is enjoying himself in the centre of the threesome."
David Pleat talking about United's attack during the Man U v Roma game. (Aaron Glover, Brighton).

"Then Ryan O'Leary had to come on in the second half because Simon Ford was feeling his groin at half-time."
Comment from Kilmarnock Manager Jim Jeffries after the game v Hearts. (Stuart Graham, UK).

"I'm proud to be a symbol like the army knife or the mountains."
Roger Federer at the unveiling of his own Swiss postal stamp. Because being a mountain or an army knife is the in thing to be. (David Hedley, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"We're s*** and we're beating you."
Southend fans to Preston counterparts. (David, England).

"Four goals! We only want four goals!"
Spurs fans at beginning of second half against Sevilla, who were 2-0 up, leaving Tottenham needing four to win. (Joe Dua).


It's better than watching the Palace  

"We want the National!"
Palace fans during game with Wolves at Selhurst Park when the Grand National was put on the big screens for a few seconds and then taken off. (Henry Randell, England).

"Cedric Cedric show us Uras."
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras. (Callum Hunter, Scotland).

"3-0, and we're s*** away."
Exeter City fans to Crawley fans during the Grecians' 3-0 triumph at Broadfield Stadium. (Olly, England).

"What's it like to be non-league?!"
Sung by Dagenham & Redbridge fans to Aldershot after going 1-0 up in the game that they clinched promotion to the Football League. (James Ainsworth, England).

"Going down, going down going down!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley when they led 2-0.
"Staying up, staying up, staying up!"
Barnsley fans when they pulled a goal back with 10 minutes to go.
"Cheerio, cheerio cheerio!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley after going 5-1 up. (Maddie Britton, England).

"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, that boy Ronaldo made England look s***e!"
Manchester United fans repeatedly singing in the 7-1 thrashing of Roma. (Amman Ayub, High Wycombe, England).

"One Song, we've only got one Song!"
Charlton fans about Alexandre Song. (Michael Gormley, England).

"You can stick your Fiat Punto up your a***!"
Scotland fans at Italy v Scotland. (Dave, Glasgow).

[kjelvi]

Football365: The Quotes Of The Week

* "Cristiano is the most exciting player in the country at the moment. The quickness of his feet and the skills he possesses make you think, at times, he is from another planet" - At times, Gordon Taylor, one might think it's a planet where gravity exerts considerably less force.

* "When he runs at you with his tricks and skills you don't know which way he's going. If you double up on him he passes to Rooney and he does it. Where do you stop? You can't double up on everyone" - The answer, John Terry, is not to bother doubling up on (or, indeed, marking) Kieran Richardson.

* "I probably will be man-marked next season or teams will double up on me" - Talking of doubling up, Gabby Agbonlahor is fairly confident in his own abilities.

* "I had a mate who put a bet on that I would get double figures, so if I can it would mean a lot" - And he hasn't lost sight of his priorities.

* "It means everything to be going to Wembley as a young English player" - How about as a player approaching his 26th birthday, Joe Cole?

* "Extra time probably came at the wrong time for us" - Mark Hughes scoffs at the '90 minutes' traditionalists.

* "If games were only 80 minutes long we would be around 15th or 16th" - As does Adrian Boothroyd.

* "It's games like Saturday and last Tuesday night that you want to be involved in - and you can't get that anywhere else other than the top three clubs" - Alan Smith has a right pop at Arsenal.

* "The next time I go to the theatre I am going to let some thespians have it. It might make me feel better and then I will claim I pay their wages when I leave" - Do you get the feeling Stuart Pearce doesn't like being booed?

* "It had to go. It was a bit tongue in cheek when I said I'd grow it until I set a new record. The way games have gone for me I'd probably end up looking like Santa Claus" - David James has a shave.

* "I think it would be the result of the decade if we could get a result there" - Neil Warnock looks forward to his side's trip to Old Trafford.

* "I stopped watching the Roma match at 4-0 and went to play football with my son, William, in the hall. And I didn't watch the Watford game because I was at Alton Towers for my daughter's birthday" - He'd done his research, after all.

* "We're the biggest failures in the league given the level of spending on our first team squad" - Livingston boss Pearse Flynn looks on the bright side.

* "It's all about making sure that if we end up losing possession of the ball, we lose it in a safe area. That's better than losing it in a dangerous area" - Michael Brown shows his intelligence belies his thuggish reputation. Wait, that's not what belies means...

* "These are simple accounting losses reflecting the leveraged buy-out by the holding company, which is in line with expectations" - A Glazer family spokesman explains why...erm...oh, we've no idea.

* "Unfortunately, you go very quickly to hell and very slowly to heaven" - Arsene Wenger on his side's recent demise. It's even worse than previously thought.

* "My dad was a big Chelsea fan but he's not any more. I can assure you of that. He's been a Chelsea supporter since the 1970s and always enjoyed going to the games. Now he's switched his allegiance" - It seems Peter Crouch's dad has gone in the opposite direction to 90% of Chelski fans.

* "I have raised my voice a few times this season - I have not had to too many - but I do not think there is any point in losing your rag every week. You have to do what you feel is right, but also give a true reflection of your emotions, and sometimes it is better to bite your tongue. You just have to be yourself. There are times when you are disappointed, but as long as you are honest with people and when they do well, you let them know you feel they have done well, then they can accept it when you are not so happy with their performance" - Let's face it, you wouldn't be scared of Gareth Southgate, would you?

* "Will we be cheering Milan on in the Champions League? That seems an exaggeration. Milan deserved to qualify, but I watch that tournament to see the great teams play" - Roberto Mancini does his bit for footballing diplomacy in Milan.

* "Rafa is not going anywhere. He's under contract and he told me that his wife has said that if he ever did go, he'd have to go without her because she's staying in Liverpool" - Liverpool owner Tom Hicks.

* "I said no to Real when they offered me more money than I get here" - Rafa Benitez talks himself up...

* "In regard to the statements attributed to current Liverpool coach Rafael Benítez...Real Madrid wish to deny any negotiations with said professional" - Real Madrid talk him down.

* "We have been in contact with his folks. Everything is very preliminary. If it happens, that would be wonderful - not just for the Galaxy, but also for our league. And I think he would really enjoy the opportunity, because he is competitive and he wants to win. He's a great player and he doesn't want to sit in the French countryside drinking wine" - So says Becks' boss Alexi Lalas of (wait for it) Zinedine Zidane.

* "London eats you up with skin and hair" - Franz Beckenbauer advises Jurgen Klinsmann to take the Chelski job. We think.

[kjelvi]

Ekte supporter!

Composer and theatre producer Andrew Lloyd Webber says he will only attend this week's edition of Any Dream Will Do - in which budding musical actors bid to win a leading role in the West End - unless the BBC fly him back from his beloved Leyton Orient's away match with Bradford. (The Sun)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007140001-2007180344,00.html

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week


All right, la?

"My family are really happy here at Liverpool and I am prepared to have my daughter with a Scouse accent, even though it is sometimes a problem for me!"
Rafa Benitez makes big sacrifices to stay in Liverpool.

"We have got the drug testers here today. They shouldn't be going to see the players - they should go to see the officials instead."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy after seeing his side denied a 'stonewall' penalty in the 3-2 defeat by Birmingham.

"Up front we played like world beaters - at the back it was more like panel beaters."
Wigan manager Paul Jewell on the 3-3 draw with Spurs.

"I have great respect for him and he has none for me."
Charlton boss Alan Pardew on his special relationship with Jewell.

"If at the end of the season I'm leaving the club, you have the right to come to me and say: 'Jose, you are a liar'."
Jose Mourinho after declaring he wants to stay at Chelsea.

"The way the matches are in this country is unbelievable. The players either die or get better."
More from the Special One.

"They have not even paid the price of an aspirin for Michael since he left their care."
Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd threatens the FA with an injunction to stop England calling up Michael Owen in June.

"Villa was disappointing. When you lose at home, it always feels much worse. It is like being burgled."
Gareth Southgate believes Middlesbrough's 3-1 defeat to Aston Villa was daylight robbery.

"It's ******* fixed. Whoever does the draw is trying to stitch me up but I don't mind, I love it."
Ronnie O'Sullivan after being given a tough draw against Ding Junhui in the first round of the World Snooker Championships. O'Sullivan duly triumphed 10-2.


Everyone's favourite boy racer

"Sweet!"
Lewis Hamilton's response to becoming the first driver in Formula One history to start his career with three successive podium finishes.

"I was jogging up the touchline trying to keep warm. It might have slipped out of my hands and fell on to the pitch."
Manchester City manager Stuart Pearce after he appeared to throw a water bottle during the draw with Watford.

"I did give it at least a day before I answered - just to keep him sweating!"
Dwight Yorke on delaying his answer to Roy Keane when the Sunderland manager came calling. Brave or stupid? You decide.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"Frank Lampard has a bit of a love-hate relationship with West Ham - except there's not really any love."
Five Live commentator in West Ham v Chelsea game. (Nick Eastburn, England).

"Deuchar was born in Stirling and started his career in footballing at Falkirk, but two leg breaks and other problems forced him to join East Fife."
From Wikipedia on Kenny Deuchar - bit harsh on East Fife! (Olly Bacon, UK).

"We're down to the bare bones. We are playing with 12 players."
Sir Alex Ferguson on the Man Utd v AC Milan game. How many players does he want?! (Turkish, UK).


Hair today...

"He had a full head of hair at 7.45."
ITV commentator on Luciano Spalletti after Roma went 4-0 down in the first few mins. (Tisaru Perere, England).

"Come on keeper, show some enthusiasm!"
Shouted at poor Carl Dennison of Slough as the 17-year-old picked the ball out of the net again, during a thrashing by Bromley in the Ryman Premiership. (Chris Elmer, UK).

"End to end stuff at both ends."
Don Goodman commentating on Wolves v Birmingham. (Chris Rogers, Wales).

"That's the Steve Davis of old there - a fluke to start!"
Willie Thorne during Davis' first round match with John Parrott at The Crucible. (Jer, England).

"A mere single off Vaughan, which surely makes him England's most parsimonious bowler of the tournament. Doesn't matter whether he's got ball or bat in hand - he's like a magic run-repelling device."
Tom Fordyce's comment on Vaughan's bowling on the BBC website had me in tears. (Phil Mansell, Dubai).

"Our objective is keep Arsenal English, albeit with a lot of foreign players."
Peter Hill-Wood, chairman of Arsenal, redefines "Englishness". As in, not actually that English at all. (Phil Railton, England).

"This game can go either two ways, Sheffield United score and it's 2-1 or Manchester United score and it's 3-0." Andy Gray as Man Utd led Sheffield United 2-0. (Paul, Scotland).


Hips don't lie

"There's was more movement in that pitch than Shakira's hips in one of her film clips."
Damien Fleming before Ireland v Sri Lanka. (Fergus, Australia).

"And overnight a helpline has been set up for English cricket. The number is 1800 101010. That's one eight hundred, won nothing, won nothing, won nothing."
Former Australian wicket-keeper Ian Healy after the sports news on Channel 9 as England exited the World Cup. (Michael, Australia).

"It's going to be hard playing against Man U, seeing as they are up for the triple."
I always thought it was the treble but Neil Warnock obviously doesn't agree. (Toms, UK).

"Being crowned champions this year is a bit like a birth - the more you wait, the more you worry. Let's hope it's not a caesarean!"
Gerrard Houllier on Lyon's wait to be mathematically confirmed as champions. (Simon Harrow, France).

"It was a surprise, but not unexpected."
Ex-Livingston manager John Robertson on being shown the door at Almondvale. (Tom, Spain).

"We're in football to play in big games. And games don't come any bigger than the semi-final of the Cup at Hampden."
Hibs manager John Collins on Football Focus ahead of the game on Saturday. How about the final, John? (Steve, UK).


Only another 6,000 years to go, Cristiano

"They must be delighted that he's signed a five year extension, which will take him through to Twenty Thousand and Twelve (20012)."
Alan Parry commentating for Sky on Ronaldo's new (and extremely long) contract for Manchester United. (Adam Allford, England).

"Single apiece to the batsmen off Andrew Hall, and Pietersen gets a laser stare from all 11 members of the South African side. In case you're unaware of the history behind this particular showdown, Pietersen left his homeland for England because of the quota system - South African rules state that no team can field more than three massive egos in any one match."
Wit of the highest order by your very own TMS Live Commentary team during SA v Eng. (Elis Roderick, UK).

"Gary - you're obsessed with him!"
Alan Hansen commenting on Gary Lineker's admiration of Cristiano Ronaldo. (Maroof, England).

"Craig Beattie's an important player for us. He's quick, he's very fast, and he's got great pace."
Scotland manager Alex McLeish on Beattie, who's also quite speedy. (Tom Squires, Scotland).

On comparisons of Ronaldo to Pele and Maradona...
Paul Merson: "Well I didn't see Pele..."
Peter Reid: "...and I didn't see Maradona!"
Lightning response by Reid - one of the men left for dead by Maradona during that goal for Argentina against England. (Sean, Leeds).

"That needs no commentary at all. It's just like a postage stamp, right in the top corner!"
Commentator on Sky Sports during second half of Man Utd v Roma highlights. (Martin, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Is that all you take away?"
St Albans City fans at home to Oxford United. Around 1,600 of the 1,800 fans were supporting Oxford! (Jamerico Humos, UK)

"We've lost 3,000 fans!"
Sung by Dagenham & Redbridge supporters after getting attendances of over 4,000 for the promotion-clincher against Aldershot and just 1500 for the next home game. (Michael, England).


Did someone say fat?  

"We're fat, but we're not that fat!"
Topless Rotherham fans to a legendary but overweight Yeovil steward. (Matt, Rotherham).

"You're only here for a sun-tan."
Sung by Linfield fans to Glentoran at The Oval, directed at the fans lying on the hill on a beautiful day in East Belfast. (Craig Buchanan, Northern Ireland).

"Going down, going down, going down."
Middlesbrough fans to West Ham when they trailed 2-0.
"2-0 to the Championship!"
West Ham's reply. (Charlie, England).

"Who needs Shev-chen-ko, we got Nar-diel-lo."
Barnsley chant v Crystal Palace. (Steven Duke, England).

"All your fans and Smithy too, have all *****d off to watch Man U!"
Burnley fans singing to Leeds. (Jacque, England).

"We're gonna deep-fry your pizzas."
Scotland fans at Italy v Scotland. (Rod Fraser, UAE).

"We dont give a ****, we're staying up!"
Sheffield United fans' chant when Man Utd scored to make it 1-0 and then 2-0. (David Hughes, England).

"You dirty northern *******s!"
Torquay fans to Swindon after a bad tackle. It was the first time in my life I'd been called that. The whole County Ground started laughing and clapping. (Darren Lee, England).

Bristol City fans: "Everywhere we go, people want to know, who we are, and where we come from..."
Carlisle United fans: "WALES!" (Jon McGuckin, England).


T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
"Derbyshire - The Pride of Lancashire"
On Matt Derbyshire for Blackburn Rovers at Sunday's FA Cup semi-final. (David Thompson, UK).

[kjelvi]

Oppfordring fra Ian Dodds:

Just read an article on the bbc about a new version of Monopoly that's coming out this year which will feature towns and cities in the UK and you can vote for your town to be included, tragically Leeds is currently languishing in 12th place with a paltry 70 odd votes and being beaten by the likes of Lincoln for god's sake!

So get voting and pass it on.. http://www.monopoly.co.uk/vote.aspx

[kjelvi]

Quotes of the Week
(The Sun)

HAVE a look at the latest words of wit, wisdom and severe cases of foot in mouth disease from the biggest stars and nonentities in sport.

"It’s my decision and I stand or fall by that."
Steve McClaren calls 'About turn' on the good ship England and recalls David Beckham.

"I look back and think 'how did I get here?'"
Nicky Shorey can’t remember the way from Reading to the England training camp.

"Ledley King thinks like a defender”
Sky’s Alan Smith, thinking like an ex-striker presumably

"And for Wales I don’t think I’ve been playing as well as I should have so all three parties will benefit from this."
Ryan Giggs believes Wales are better off without him

"Are you going to start calling me Jose? Excellent."
England captain Michael Vaughan shows he doesn’t mind being called 'The Special One'.

"I've got stats coming from everywhere, like this was the coldest day for cricket ever. Next it will be about whether Ryan Sidebottom's hair was the longest of any Test cricketer!"
Vaughan praises English cricket's new bowling hair-o.

"Sometimes when I played a shot it would take the bowler’s breath away â€" he is doing the same sort of thing. It isn’t just anybody who can do things like that."
Windies legend Viv Richards is a fan of Kevin Pietersen, and himself.

"I know how to forgive betrayal. I hope before he gets back on the plane he does not speak to Inter."
AC Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani would be against Chelsea’s Andriy Shevchenko joining their arch-rivals.

"I insist 100 per cent that United are not a better team than Chelsea."
Chelsea right-back Paulo Ferreira does not believe in the old saying ‘the league table never lies’

"Every team we come up against now will be armed with baseball bats to try and stop him."
Wigan assistant coach Phil Veivers is expecting a dramatic rule change in Rugby League to combat his Kiwi prop forward Iafeta Paleaaesina.

"Barney's as flat as a Dutch mountain range."
Legendary Darts commentator Sid Waddell shows his geography knowledge is up to scratch

"Darts is the be all and end all for me. That's what my life is based on."
Phil Taylor reveals his dedication to perfection

"The pitch is slow, the ball sits up, and you could hit it with a stick of rhubarb... and that's what Alastair Cook's just done."
Geoffrey Boycott is seeing things at the Test match.

"I got my a**e kicked."
Tim Henman feels tennis is becoming a contact sport

"I consider myself a minor success story."
Steve Davis undersells his six world snooker titles

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week


He's big, but it's not clever

"Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists - I smoke."
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.

"If you want to win, you have to pay up to £100,000 a week to a player who can hardly read or write and he earns four or five million pounds. It's crazy."
Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed tells it like it is.

"I was a bit ripe by the end of it and a few flies were gathering around me. People left me alone for a while."
Golfer Chris Gane on being forced to practice in sweltering heat with waterproof trousers over his jeans after his suitcase failed to turn up ahead of the Austrian Open.

"I had 15 messages after the game. The best one was from my mum which said 'Come outside and get some sweets'!"
England under-21 star Nedum Onouha reveals how his mum helped him get over the appalling racist abuse from Serbian fans during their group match.

"Will I try any harder to get things right? I could try harder and, to be honest, maybe I'm trying too hard."
Steve Harmison's bowling can be very trying.

"He knows I don't like heavy metal but he's friends with one of the guys in Metallica and they are at Wembley on the Sunday night in three weeks' time."
Andy Murray on coach Brad Gilbert's plans for the Scot if he wins Wimbledon.


He's behind you!

"I have to admit there was almost a need for a change of underwear."
European Tour chief referee John Parmor on the moment when a state trooper growled in his ear minutes after Parmor had spotted a bear as Lee Westwood played the seventh at the US Open.

"I thought 'I'm going to be on Question of Sport with them asking me what happened next...answer: He was eaten by a bear'!"
Westwood sees the funny side.

"I have won this four times now, and you have won only three. I had to get that in, because it is not very often that I can say it at a tournament, and I don't know whether I will be able to say it again."
Andy Roddick gets one over coach Jimmy Connors following his fourth Queen's triumph.

"Would you phone the president of Ghana?"
Jose Mourinho when asked by a Ghanaian journalist if he ever phoned Roman Abramovich to see how he was.

"I'm well up for a laugh and toyed with the idea of riding a donkey into the ring but I'm allergic to them. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would have been on the night? I'd have had a swollen face before taking a hit!"
Ricky Hatton on his plans to get Mexican-ed up for his fight with Luis Castillo in Las Vegas.

"It's sod's law, isn't it?"
Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce on being handed an opening day Premier League fixture at former club Bolton.

"It has gone absolutely nuts."
Silverstone spokesman on the demand for tickets to the British Grand Prix in the wake of Lewis Hamilton's win.

"It's just insane."
Hamilton after securing back-to-back wins with victory in the US Grand Prix.


Freddie knows a thing or two about the demon drink

"Michael has become England's greatest-ever captain with his amount of wins and if you can't go out and celebrate that, what can you do?"
Freddie Flintoff keeps a straight face to support Michael Vaughan after the England skipper is pictured looking the worse for wear.

"We have a plan. It involves us spending but it will be part of a plan, not just spending like a drunken sailor."
Liverpool co-owner George Gillett outlines his spending policy.

"It was just a friendly tap on his beer belly."
Snooker star Alex Higgins upon being accused of punching referee Terry Riley during an exhibition match.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"She came along and cleaned up my dumplings."
"Did she indeed?!"
Sir Viv Richards telling Jonathan Agnew about a woman sampling his cooking. There was silence for a second before the TMS box erupted into laughter for five minutes. (Tony Howe, UK).

"Boro are one of the big clubs in England and we have the chance to challenge the top four and play in Europe every year."
Yakubu, throwing his hat in for a dope test. (Xerxes, India).

"Now I'm an old head with a lot of experience, I think I can close my eyes and 'wang' it in roughly the right spot!"
Matthew Hoggard's technical analysis of his bowling. (Daniel Ford, England).

"Although he is very young, he has two years of experience in the Premier League."
Fenerbahce deputy chairman Neset Yalcin on Colin Kazim-Richards. Someone has been pulling a fast one - he only played in the Prem for one season (with limited appearances). (Dan Johns, Brecon, Wales).

"We needed a shot in the arm and he gave it to us."
San Fransisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy with a poor choice of words to describe the 747th career home run of Barry Bonds, who was linked to alleged steroid use. (Sandy, England).


You never see them in the same room

"You can say what you like about my hairstyle, but it's never caused epilepsy and cost significantly less than £400,000 to design."
Boris Johnson on claims that the London 2012 Olympic logo looked like his hairdo. (Phil, England).

"I think there is less pressure on me because I am the only one that won it last year."
Geoff Ogilvy stating the obvious when asked about the pressure that comes with being the defending US Open champion. (Kane Rennie, Australia).

"Now Henman needs to put this bed to set. I mean set to bed. I'm losing it here."
Andrew Castle commentating at Queen's Club. (Andy Croft, England).

"Ten minutes ago it seemed like Mission Impossible."
Sky commentator when Real Madrid went 2-1 up after being 1-0 down against Mallorca. The camera was on Tom Cruise in the stands at the time. (Shy, India).

"He's a good driver in and out of the car."
Ron Dennis on Lewis Hamilton. What does he drive out of the car? (Robbie, UK).

"Well there was certainly a crack in the Australian defence."
Aussie commentator after a South African player had his pants pulled down by an Aussie defender. (Fershad, Australia).

"Nine times out of 10 you bat first, and the other time you still bat first."
Alistair Cook on Michael Vaughan choosing to bat first. (JM, England).

"He prefers bowling to the right-handed right-handers."
Michael Atherton on Steve Harmison. (Toby, England).


And he's going for a treble

"That's 11 trebles on the trot. If you count the double 12 as a treble."
Rod Harrington getting carried away while watching Phil Taylor after he hit a 9-dart finish. (Tony Baitson).

"The crowd play a massive part here, it's like having a 13th man in football."
Colin Osborne after making it through to the quarter finals of the darts UK Open. (Matthew Harding, England).

''Albert van den Berg bending over backwards like a giraffe at the watering hole.''
Commentator Craig Marais in the South Africa v Samoa Test. He's surely the only one to ever see a giraffe bend over backwards. (Deano, South Africa).

"Bell on strike. Ding!"
Cricinfo commentary during Ian Bell's first innings 97 at Old Trafford. (Scott Craze, England).


NOT THE CHANT OF THE WEEK
"...and the supporters are all singing 'One Adrian Morley'."
Ray French commentating on the St Helens v Warrington Challenge Cup quarter-final). "What a waste of money" is what the Saints fans were actually singing! (Gary Meyler, Belvedere, Kent).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week  


The saviour of American football...er, soccer  

"After the family the most important thing is the foot... is the soccer."
Old habits die hard for LA Galaxy new boy David Beckham.

"He's got two legs and two arms just like everybody else."
LA Galaxy supremo Alexei Lalas makes some startling observations about Beckham.

"It's meant to be low key."
An LA Galaxy spokesman on the arrival of arguably the most famous footballer in the world.

"He is clearly showing up, not as an athlete but as a celebrity... folks are viewing him not as a leader of men but as the husband of Posh. Beckham's appeal is as a tourist attraction, the latest Disneyland ride."
LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke sticks the boot in.

"Most people were too drunk to notice me."
Bradley Wiggins on his experiences of late-night practice runs for the London leg of the Tour de France.

"It is nice to be recognised for actually achieving something in life as opposed to spending seven weeks in a house on TV with a load of other muppets."
Wiggins has a pop at Big Brother after finishing fourth in the Tour de France prologue.

"When I had to sing for my initiation into the group I did my Crazy Frog dance, which went down really well."
Chelsea new boy Florent Malouda passes his first test.

"I wasn't worried when I saw Deano go down because I think he milked it a bit!"
West Ham manager Alan Curbishley is unconcerned after seeing striker Dean Ashton chopped down during his comeback game against Dagenham.


Brosnan left Henin shaken and stirred

"I saw Pierce Brosnan in the crowd and he's one of my favourite actors so I just tried to play a little better."
Marion Bartoli reveals the success behind her shock victory over top seed Justine Henin at Wimbledon.

"The fans, everyone, needs to just chill out and relax and let me do the job."
Sunderland manager Roy Keane - always the epitome of calm in his playing career - asks for fans to be patient as he plans his summer signings.

"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures."
Ken Bates after winning his battle to retain control at Leeds.

"I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe."
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decides to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph on video and finds his kids have taped over it.

"The facility is just a hard floor, carpet, cameras all over and mirrors. A bit kinky really when you say it like that - I didn't get a very good roll on the silk sheets!"
Golfer Lee Westwood recounts his interesting trip to a putting laboratory in a bid to sort out some problems on the green.

"I have a young family, and I also have a farm to manage." Julian White gives his reasons for not being available for England's Rugby World Cup defence.


AND SOME FROM YOU


You say it best when you say nothing at all

"Manchester United's spending is something that we don't control, we don't want to control - we don't comment, we don't want to comment. But when we spent some millions, everybody pointed at us as the team with more responsibility to win."
Jose Mourinho "not commenting" in his own traditional style. (Paul Gorrie, France).

"The umbrellas are going up and the kagouls are going on. But there are no scotch eggs coming out, so we definitely know that we are still at a race and not at a rally."
Martin Haven from Eurosport commentating on the French GP2 race. (Kayleigh, Brighton).

"I'd love someone to take me out in one, one day".
David Beckham on his desire to be driven round in an F1 car. Who's going to tell him they're single-seaters? (Mark Evans, England).

"I've been a bit of a useless tosser up to now."
Paul Collingwood commenting on Radio Five Live after winning the toss against the West Indies in the one-day series. (Chris Huff, Bologna, Italy).

"They say money talks. This is obviously untrue, because if money were capable of speech we'd hear it shrieking 'How much? You must be joking'."
Des Kelly writing in the Daily Mail about the absurdity of Darren Bent's recent £16.5m move to Spurs. (Wayne, Grenada).

"The Maze Prison and the great stadium debate is one of the first political footballs the new devolved administration in Northern Ireland will have to deal with - and it has just bounced right into the DUP's court."
Gareth Gordon, BBC Northern Ireland's political correspondent, gets his sporting analogies in a twist. (Andrew Raeburn, UK).


Mike is no muppet

"Mike is not just a 'yes' man. He is not just a Muppet that nods his head every day. He will have an opinion and I like that."
Leicester manager Martin Allen on Mike Stowell's appointment as goalkeeping coach. So, not just a yes man but also an opinionated muppet who nods his head every day! (Paul Haynes, UK/Spain).

"He needs more balls under his belt."
Chris Gayle commenting on the need to have Chanderpaul in the one-day team. (Roger Henderson, Trinidad).

"People keep asking me, how is this possible? Who knows? Maybe it's the radiation left after the Nato bombings."
Janko Tipsarevic tries to explain the success of Serbian players at this year's Wimbledon. (Dragan Savic, UK).

"Looks like even the coach driver's going to get one."
TV commentator on the number of people getting medals at the Copa America final. (Junaid, UK)

"In the last four holes, Mickelson hit bogey, birdie, birdie, birdie, bogey."
BBC Five Live Golf summariser ahead of the play-off at the Scottish Open. (Brendan Tinsley, UK).

"He did his cycling with his legs today."
Cycling commentator Phil Leggat about Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen. (Ian B, UK).

"He is like the ideal father-in-law. He told me that I would be challenging with six other players for four positions."
Ryan Babel commenting on Rafa Benitez. Is the Liverpool manager lining up potential husbands for his four daughters?! (Nick Green, England).


Two Jags and Two Bats

"I'm surprised Monty's got two bats!"
Ian Botham after Monty Panesar called to the dressing room for a new bat during the last England v West Indies ODI. (Jo Hill, England).

"Despite the global warming, England is still not warm enough for him."
Arsene Wenger on the reasons it is likely Jose Reyes will leave Arsenal for sunny Spain. (Alessandro Amasanti, England).

"It's better to win than to lose."
Sven-Goran Eriksson announces his return by stating the obvious after Man City's friendly win at Doncaster. (Walid, London).

"I could run for 45 seconds all day long."
Iwan Thomas describing the differences between football and athletics after taking part in a fund-raising match at Dean Court, Bournemouth. (Paddy, England).

"He is not going to be running around like a lunatic, but he never did that at the height of his career. With players like that, their feet never leave them."
Scott Hiley talking about Matt Le Tissier before he plays in his testimonial. So which players' feet do leave them? (Barry Arnold, UK).

"We're confident in ourselves that we can get a good run together and get the wins that we need and hopefully qualify for the World Cup."
Ashley Cole speaking to ESPN Press Pass in LA. Which competition are England trying to qualify for at the moment? (Will Shaw, Canada).


More great length from Cabrera

"We got a taste of Cabrera's length at the US Open."
The Swing Doctor at the Scottish Open. (Billy Onions, UK).

"He is on for a podium finish or maybe even better."
James Allen (ITV) talking about Lewis Hamilton's race chances. (Brian Chambers, England).

"Rossi's bike looks like it was painted by a chimpanzee."
MotoGP Commentators on the awful colouring of Valentino Rossi's bike. (R Williams, Notts).


CHANT OF THE WEEK

"You must have come in a dinghy"
Warwickshire fans to Worcestershire rivals at Twenty20 cup game, following the recent flooding. (Tom, England).

[kjelvi]

Football365.com:
The Quotes Of The Week

* "We were shocked anybody knew we were coming" - Victoria Beckham tries out false modesty as she reflects on the landing of Planet Beckham in Planet Hollywood.

* "We buy each other gifts but I do not have a diamond-encrusted vibrator" - Mrs Beckham responds to one of the more outlandish stories in the American media this week.

* "I didn't actually know Liverpool had signed Torres because I was away on holiday" - Ryan Babel expresses his surprise upon being introduced to his new team-mates and a strangely-styled Spaniard.

* "I prefer to be boring and win" - Florent Malouda explains why he joined Chelski.

* "The rain was one of the main reasons why I didn't adapt well to that country" - Jose Reyes reveals why he is desperate to leave Arsenal.

* "Global warming is not enough for him" - Arsene Wenger's response.

* "The fact his marriage has gone Va Va Boom played a part in his decision to leave London" - A 'friend' of Thierry Henry, as quoted by The Sun. People just don't talk like that.

* "We don't want to get thrashed or lose too badly" - Vietnam coach Alfred Riedl outlines the extent of his side's ambitions before meeting Japan in the Asian Cup. They were subsequently beaten 4-1.

* "Jean-Alain Boumsong played for France. How many members of the France squad can you buy for less than £10 million? Ask Martin O'Neill what a good player he is. He tried to sign him. Ask Gérard Houllier, who wanted to buy him when he was at Liverpool. Ask Inter Milan, ask Barcelona. I rest my case" - Willie McKay, the agent who, in the words of The Times, is at the centre of inquiries into allegations of corruption in football.

* "I'm not looking to leave, but I'd love to play for another Premier League team. Or maybe even in the Championship" - Ali Al-Habsi commits himself to Bolton.

* "We had a relationship breakdown in the end. He [Stuart Pearce] came out and said certain things which he shouldn't have said" - Motormouth Joey Barton embraces irony.

* "It's better to win than to lose" - How did Sven Goran Eriksson ever fail to win the World Cup?

* "I can't understand Faubert's decision to join West Ham. I struggle to understand why he has done it. It is OK if a player is joining one of the top four in England, Germany, Italy or Spain. But it is unspeakably stupid to join a club outside of those few" - France coach Raymond Domenech rules out travelling to London to watch Julian Faubert in action at Upton Park.

* "It's awesome - it's so big I got lost twice on the first day back" - Patrik Berger is a fan of Aston Villa's new training ground.

* "I wasn't worried when I saw Deano go down. I think he milked it a bit" - Alan Curbishley thinks Dean Ashton is a diver.

* "My father likes it there and won't go" - Younis Mahmoud can't join Sunderland, because his family would rather stay in Iraq.

* "When a man like that wants you, you feel obliged" - Kieran Richardson can't say no to Roy Keane.

* "The reason why we won the FA Cup final is because we understand better than anybody else the way they [ManYoo] play" - Jose Mourinho gets warmed up for the new season.

* "We are Arsenal. We are one of the most important teams in Europe. Definitely we have to be fighting for the title because it would not be Arsenal if we are not doing this" - Do you think Cesc Fabregas really believes any of that?

* "We gave you our confidence, the same as I did with Inter and the result is that now everyone has problems with me. You left me alone and all this after two trains called Barcelona and Real Madrid passed by. When trains like this pass you are obliged to jump on board because, if not, then they do not stop and will carry on to the next station" - Cristian Chivu is less than impressed with his agent.

* "People in the street ask me to buy Ronaldinho, but I can't. Joan Laporta would have to commit suicide" - Don't you wish Silvio Berlusconi owned an English club?

* "If you make a table of the results against the other teams in the top four, then we were top. Then if you make a table against the teams in the top half, Manchester United have 43 points, we have 40, so do Chelsea, and Liverpool have 33" - Having masterminded Arsenal's decline from Invincibles to scrapping for fourth in just three years, Arsene Wenger resorts to making up imaginary leagues that they might win.

[lojosang]

En samling elegant fotballkunst her.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/730171/funny_footballers/

Trenge vel for fakerten  ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! []

[kjelvi]

Football chant of the season

The final countdown has begun and the terrace bards are sharpening their pencils in a bid to come up with a witty ditty for the new season.
We get thousands of chants sent in to our Quotes of the Week section and this season we want you to pick your favourite at the end of each month.
Before the new term get under way, we asked you to pick your favourite song from the last campaign and Liverpool's "Cilla wants her teeth back" chant to Ronaldinho won the popular vote.
Nearly 10,000 people had their say, with our Cilla getting 22% of the vote, followed by Arsenal's tribute to Cesc Fabregas on 17% and Palace fans' humorous dig at poor Colchester keeper Dean Gerken (13%).


1) "Cilla wants her teeth back."
Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match.

2) "Let's talk about Cesc baby, lets talk about Flam-in-i, let's talk about Theo Walcott, Freddie Ljungberg and Henry, let's talk about Cesc."
Arsenal fans, To the tune of Salt and Pepa's Let's Talk About Sex. They might need to change the words slightly this season - Ed.

3) "You should have stayed in a burger!"
Palace fans to Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerken.

4) "We're gonna deep-fry your pizzas!"
Scotland fans to their Italian counterparts.

5) "We've got Dave Tilbury, He'll paint your house for free,
He quotes and estimates, He paints and decorates."
Windsor & Eton FC fans to painter and decorator Dave Tilbury who was making his 200th appearance for the club against Marlow.

6) "Here we go, here we go, here we go,
Youssef's better than Junin-ee-oh
Here we go-oh,
Morrocan All Over The World."
Norwich fans' chant to Youssef Safri, to the tune of the Quo's Rockin' All Over The World.

7) "Niall Quinn's disco pants are the best,
They go up from his a*** to his chest,
They're better than Adam and the Ants,
Niall Quinn's disco pants!"
Sunderland fans to chairman Niall Quinn.

"Who needs Mourinho, we've got our physio!"
Scunthorpe fans pay tribute to manager Nigel Adkins, the club's old physio.

9) "Love, Lovell tear you apart, again."
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts.

10) "Cedric Cedric show us Uras."
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras.

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week  


Race you round the block, Robbie

"I'm about as fast as me Nana!"
New Cardiff striker Robbie Fowler admits his boots are meant for walking these days.

"I'll be surprised if we get jelly beans at the drinks break again!"
Matt Prior in his BBC column, following 'jelly bean-gate'.

"I squealed at the first one and he stopped and then he did it again. It hurt for about five minutes. Hopefully it won't happen again because it wasn't the most pleasant experience. Fortunately I'm all intact now."
Bradford Bulls prop Sam Burgess on the delight of having his testicles squeezed by Leon Pryce of St Helens in a Challenge Cup match.

"I don't normally speak to anyone over 30, never mind sign them."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson on the capture of 30-year-old striker Lee Trundle from Swansea.

"Unfortunately the photographers get me eating at places I shouldn't be because I'm a sportsman."
David Beckham wishes he hadn't visited that hamburger joint.

"Go ******* swivel!"
What mild-mannered Lewis Hamilton allegedly said to McClaren boss Ron Dennis in a heated radio exchange about disobeying team orders.

"You can play chess for about 10 hours and still lose, know what I mean?"
Sir Alex Ferguson has a thinly-veiled pop at Chelsea's cautious style of play ahead of the Community Shield.

"Strong words were said and he was told in no uncertain terms that if he didn't like it, he should clear off."
Birmingham boss Steve Bruce gets tough with Hossam Ghaly after the potential transfer target appeared unhappy with training methods at St Andrews.


Go ahead, Neil, make my day

"A lot of fans refer to him by his anagram - 'Colin W*****' - and when he comes out with rubbish like this it's easy to see why. Perhaps when you spend so much time rehearsing to get picked for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing it affects your memory."
Actor Sean Bean hits back at claims in Neil Warnock's autobiography that he swore in front of the former Sheffield United manager's young son.

"I struggled the first few days with breakfast. Instead of a croissant and cappuccino, I was faced with eggs."
Manchester City new boy Rolando Bianchi on English cuisine. Just wait till he's presented with black pudding...

"What horrifies me is people who've made money out of property or biscuit tins telling a class act who's managing their club who they should be signing."
Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn won't be telling Roy Keane who to buy. And who can blame him?

"Kick them as near the half-way line as you possibly can!"
Hearts goalkeeper Craig Gordon comes up with a cunning plan for his team-mates to stop Barcelona in their pre-season friendly.

"You've read my card on the back - it's a telephone number."
Colin Montgomerie after shooting a back nine of 5-6-2-5-6-2-5-2-4 in the first-round of the WGC Bridgestone Invitational.

"I know that Spurs are a team who like to play offensive football."
Recent Tottenham arrival Kevin Prince-Boateng has obviously heard some frightening reports about his new club.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"'And Ryan Giggs finally scores at this stadium."
Commentator after Giggs opened the scoring in the Community Shield. Give him a chance, he's only played there twice!! (Rhys Llewellyn, Wales).


Sledging? Not me, mate

"I've never agreed with personal sledging, no Australian has, but everyone will try to throw another cricketer off their game if they can."
Former Aussie cricketer Andy Bichel on 'Jelly bean-gate'. An Aussie saying none of them personally sledge?! (Joe Eizenberg, Sydney, now of Bristol).

Five Live commentator: "How will Tevez fit into the Manchester United team, Mark?"
Mark Lawrenson: "Up front with Rooney I'm guessing."
Mark Lawrenson at his usual sarcastic best after the Community Shield. (Jamie Arkle, England).

"Mikel just followed through."
Martin Tyler commentating on a late challenge in the Community Shield - I think. (James Gore, England).

"Well I couldn't understand that, it wasn't in Brazilian was it?"
ITV commentator on listening to Barrichello's radio. Probably not, no - mainly because they speak Portuguese in Brazil. (Ben Burrell, England).

"He is a good, good, good, great goalscorer."
Matthieu Flamini runs out of superlatives for Thierry Henry when asked how much the Gunners will miss him. (George Quin, Suffolk).

"This one's from The Sun. Actually it's not from the back page, I've strayed to page 3."
Mark Pougatch gets distracted while doing the sports round up on Five Live Breakfast. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"Good batsmen get runs and good bowlers get wickets. If you don't get wickets, you're not a good bowler. If you don't get runs, you're not a god batsmen. Simple as."
Geoffrey Boycott stating the obvious. I could have done that job better than him. (Ameer Kapasi, United Kingdom).

"The horses race over 1400m, which is 3/4 of a mile, which is less than a mile."
Cornelius Lysaght at Goodwood on Tuesday. (Nick Cooksley, UK).


Sid Waddell - legend

"Its like watching Man United v Chelsea on rollerskates on ice. Brilliant!"
Some commentary gold from Sid Waddell during the Van Gerwen-Baxter darts match. (Adam Sykes, UK).

"He'll have to work hard and grow a bit to make the first team."
Rio Ferdinand on the chances of the new nine-year-old sensation that Man Utd have on their books. (Mark Smyth, Sligo, Ireland).

"And then Carlos Tevez, football's equivalent of a murderer out on bail, scores the goal that kept West Ham up and put us down."
Neil Warnock, not bitter at all, writes in his book "Made in Sheffield" (as reported in the Guardian). (Adam Levy, England).

"Are there many others in the same boat?"
Jonathan Agnew to a Sheffield club cricketer flooded out of his home and his ground. (Astrofiammante, London).

"That was very inventive - a bit like an armless hitch-hiker."
Commentator Dennis Cometti describing the action in an Aussie Rules game on TV. (John Ellen, Australia).

"He took a hard bump then - I would imagine he's seeing a number of Monets right now."
Cometti again after an Aussie Rules player is concussed. (John Ellen, Australia).

"He felt his foot, which is a bit of a worry."
Presumably Everton assistant manager Alan Irvine would be a bit more worried if Tim Cahill couldn't feel his foot. (Peter, Switzerland).

"Scott Brown must have two lungs!"
My friend's comments on Brown's performance for Celtic against Parma. (Andy Ross, Scotland).

"Great refereeing from the, er, referee."
Chelsea TV commentator on the referee in the Brondby v Chelsea friendly. Well who else would be refereeing?! (Thomas McIlroy, England).


No flies on Jose

"He has South American qualities because he comes from South America."
Jose Mourinho talking about new signing Claudio Pizarro. (James Knight, Wales).

"Gavin McCann will add stability to an already stable midfield."
Sammy Lee on Five Live. Sounds like exciting times at Bolton. (Simon, England).

"You've got to play at that unless you've got a mattress under your shirt."
Michael Holding on Chris Tremlett's wicket-taking delivery to Sachin Tendulkar in the second innings of the second Test. So THAT'S what Mike Gatting used to wear! (Mike Rice, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You're not singing anymore!"
At Sunday's Arctic Monkeys gig, when the band stopped playing due to a technical fault. (Adam Wright, Llandrindod Wells, Wales).

"Shoes off, if you hate Ken Bates."
Leeds fans during a pre-season friendly against Burnley. (Sealy, England).

"Colgan, Colgan, show us a save!"
Heard at the recent Barnsley-Wigan friendly. I think Tykes fans might want a new keeper! (Jake, Barnsley).

"What did you call Zidane?"
Sung at the Emirates Cup by Arsenal fans to Marco Materazzi. (Dom Gale, England).


Bean there, done that

"Where's your jelly beans?"
Sung by India fans on the boundary at Trent Bridge as Pietersen took up his fielding position nearby. (A Butcher, England).

"How does it feel to paddle home?"
Queen of the South supporters chant to the Carlisle fans during a pre-season friendly after the floods that left Carlisle submerged two years ago. (Luke Leslie, Dumfries, Scotland).

"You fat b******!"
Chelsea fans to Wayne Rooney at the Community Shield. (Johnny, UK).

"We're Dragons 'til tonight, We're Dragons 'til tonight. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Dragons 'til tonight!"
Warrington Wolves fans at the Wigan Warriors v Catalan Dragons game at their home ground, the Halliwell Jones Stadium. (Oliver Judson, Warrington, England).

"Robbie Fowler's magic, he's got a cracking shot.
And when he signed for Cardiff, he said 'I'm buying Splott'.
He bought up half the valleys and all the Gurnos too.
And 40 thousand bluebirds said 'I'm gonna live with you'."
Fowler's new song at Cardiff! (Boothy, Wales).

Spider-Hig, Spider-Hig,
Does whatever a Spider-Hig does,
Can he score goals galore?
Yes, he can
He's the man - LOOK OUT!!
He is a Spider-Hig.
Falkirk fans' song to new striker, Michael Higdon, after his debut double against Gretna. In a Simpsons Movie tribute-stylee. (Fraser Bloy, Grangemouth, Scotland). Scans beautifully! Ed.

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" and "You fat B******!"
Man City fans to Ricky Hatton at the Man City v Valencia friendly. Fortunately Ricky saw the funny side! (Carlo Marson, England).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week




"I told her I had a match but she wasn't having any of it."
Sir Alex Ferguson reveals who really owns the hair-dryer in his household after wife Cathy told him he would be missing a friendly to help her move house.

"I am a Championship manager but you mustn't treat it like the actual computer game, 'Championship Manager'."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson after the 2-2 draw with QPR in, you guessed it, the Championship.

"If I was to declare an interest in this job the Tartan Army would string me up."
Scotland boss Alex McLeish on why he won't be vacating his job any time soon, despite a recent approach from a Premier League club.


"You don't like Batesy and you don't particularly like me, but at the end of the day... you've got us."
Dennis Wise tells Leeds fans how it is.

"I will probably get a lot of sticks again this season."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson twigs what's going on.

"Jens changed his mind but wasn't quick enough to respond to his brain."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger on the howler by keeper Jens Lehmann that allowed David Healy to fire Fulham in front at the Emirates.

"I was excited and it takes a lot to get me excited... ask my wife!"
Roy Keane is so excited - and he just can't hide it after Sunderland's opening day win over Spurs.


Keano just couldn't stop smiling

"I'm very happy inside but what do you want me to do? Jump on the table? Strip?"
Well, he's smiling on the inside anyway.

"All the manager said was 'Well done and I will see you at 10am for training'."
Goal hero Michael Chopra confirms Roy's elated state of mind.

"I'll celebrate with a green tea and a chocolate biscuit."
At least Keano will be partying in the wild manner of old.

"Entertaining? Too much!"
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho after the roller-coaster 3-2 win over Birmingham.

"Don't turn your back on the wall. Get hit in the b*******, get hit in the nose, get hit in the gob, knock your f****** crowns out. I'm not bothered what you do but do not take it on the a*** and let it spin into the top corner of the goal, which is what happened."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy takes Watford's late free kick equaliser well. And don't get him started on their last-minute winner.

"What was wrong with us? Apart from the fact that we couldn't defend properly and we couldn't attack properly..."
Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd was delighted to come away from Molineux with three points.

"He's a crafty old devil."
Sam Allardyce after Sir Alex Ferguson tipped Newcastle to finish in the top four this season.

"I was made to stand on a chair and sing Lulu's 'Shout' to the lads as part of the initiation... it was only after I'd finished - and they'd stopped laughing - that I found out I was the only new player to do it."
Bristol City new boy Lee Trundle is singing from a different hymn sheet to the rest of his team-mates.


AND SOME FROM YOU

Chick Young: "Lee, has that yellow card had been rescinded?"
Lee Wallace: "No, it's been taken away."
Chick Young's post-match interview with Lee Wallace after the Aberdeen-Hearts game. (Carina, Scotland).


Liverpool have got some bite up front

"Liverpool are moving forward with all the menace of a Great White off the Cornish Coast."
Steve Wilson commentating on Liverpool attacking against Aston Villa. (John Ossawy, N Ireland).

"The South African has got the hump about that, adopting the double teapot and staring around at the Indian players as if he's just got back from the shops to find them all naked in his living room."
Ben Dirs, TMS live text of England-India. (Zia Rahman, England).

"Both sides' supporters are singing the same chant - 'There's only one Keano' - which makes them both wrong, to be honest."
Match of the Day commentator during Sunderland-Spurs. (Roel Eggens, Netherlands).

"Diop should watch out, he could get a second booking for time-wasting after that shot."
Setanta commentator after Papa Bouba Diop's shot goes miles wide against Arsenal. (David, USA).

"There's the buffet ball by James Anderson. Help yourself!"
David Lloyd after Anderson got hit for four against India. (Ben Aynsley, England).

"It was one of them 90-minute games."
Matt Oakley after his first game in the Premier League for Derby. (Daniel Grey, Middlesbrough).

"That's a prime example of a player putting their team before their family!"
MOTD commentator when Villa's Craig Gardner saved a Liverpool shot with his wedding tackle. (Bucko, UK).

"Look at the replay and you'll see that Sean Lamont totally exposes himself."
Pundit's comment as Scotland concede a try to Ireland. (Brian, U.A.E.).


I'm back - and this time it's serious

"Sven's back in the firing squad."
Lee Dixon on Football Focus, implying that Manchester City's opponents had better watch out for stray bullets! (David Sims, England).

"Danny Brown is on thin ice now, and on a hot day that's not where you want to be."
BBC Radio Cambridgeshire commentator Mark Johnson during Cambridge United's 2-1 win at York. (Chris, England).

"If you're going to get in behind Rio Ferdinand you've got to show him what you've got and then go in hard."
Jamie Redknapp summarising Florent Malouda's goal in the Community Shield. (Chris, England).

"It's going to be hard enough breaking into the team, let alone the squad."
Chelsea's Steve Sidwell on Football Focus. (Adam G, UK).

"A piece of breaking news, that trumpet is a cornet. Some more breaking news, its a soprano trumpet. I'm also being told it could be a B-flat cornet. But we do, in fact, know that it is not a guitar, a grand piano or a cello."
David Gower puzzles about the trumpeter's instrument on day two of the Test at The Oval, much to the amusement of co-commentator Ravi Shastri. (Steve, England).

"Vaughan looks as if he's just been told that he can't go and play golf with his mates because he's got to pick up his mother-in-law from the airport."
Ben Dirs's comedy commentary on the BBC website. (Ade O'Connor, Harrow).


Don't mess with Huddo

"If you were a mosquito, would you take on Tom Huddlestone? I'd stay well clear!"
BBC London commentator on Tom Huddlestone's ever-increasing physique before the Sunderland-Spurs match. (Joe Garod, London).

"We can beat the best on our day but we can also put in some pretty sub-standard performances and that is what we are looking to do."
England's chairman of selectors, David Graveney, doesn't quite say what he means while announcing the squad for the NatWest Series against India. (Fauzia M, Tanzania).

"Someone should be hung. Whoever is responsible should be hung and shot at dawn in the morning. I'll do the shooting."
Craig Johnston on Sky Sports talking about the problem with football's youth development in England. (Ana Ysabel Bernabéu, Buenos Aires, Argentina).

"And as we say in Australia, they've got a lot to do."
Said by a co-commentator during the Derbyshire - Leicestershire Pro40 cricket match. So they only say that in Australia, do they? (Bill, Derbyshire).

"Nothing will take the record away from Bonds now, until someone else breaks it that is."
606 user '355gts' on Barry Bonds becoming the all-time home runs leader. (Adam Prater, England).

"Sometimes I feel like we've all gone out and bought a cemetery - and everyone's stopped dying."
NRL's Cronulla Sharks coach Ricky Stuart following his team's seventh loss on the trot. (Joe Eizenberg, Bristol).


And in goal for Hibs...

"He didn't have his body behind that one but luckily he has arms like an orangutan."
Stuart Lovell commenting on the new Hibs goalie during the Edinburgh derby. (Rowan Smith, Scotland).

"What, you mean in the Tottenham reserves?"
Steve Bruce's reply to Hossam Ghaly when Ghaly told him they didn't do running at Tottenham during training. (Chris Myles, England).

"Look's like Piniella's trying his hardest to get Wood."
ESPN commentator Jon Miller as the Chicago Cubs manager recalls Kerry Wood after a lengthy injury lay-off. (Gary Hall, UK).

"Evra's literally left him for dead there."
Jamie Redknapp during the half-time break in the Community Shield. Seems a bit harsh! (Jon Norman, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Santa Cruz is coming to town!"
Blackburn fans welcome new striker Roque Santa Cruz. (Mark, England).

"Easy! Easy!"
Reading fans celebrate after their opening-day draw at Old Trafford. (Stuart, Reading).

"The referee's a steward!"
Sung by both Reading and Brighton fans as the official was forced to wear a bib due to Reading's black kit. (Tom, England).

"Are you stewards in disguise?"
Manchester United fans to all the Chelsea fans in their new day-glo away shirts in the Community Shield. (Alfred Jordan, United Kingdom).

"Bring on the Spice Girls."
Toronto FC fans as David Beckham's LA Galaxy made their substitutes. (G Goose, Canada).


Coming on for the Galaxy... Old Spice

"I predict a diet!"
Sung by Spurs fans to a particularly rotund Torino fan in a recent friendly at the Lane. (Adam Cousins, England).

A little bit of Collins in our lives
A little bit of Kightly down the sides
A little bit of Keogh's what we need
A little bit of Jarvis with his speed
A little bit of Breeny in defence
A little bit of Murray he's immense
A little bit of cheering from the fans
A little bit of McCarthy he's our man!
Sung by Wolves fans v Reading. (Jack, England).

"There's only one Carlos Tevez."
Forest fans to their Sheffield United counterparts during the recent friendly. (Michael Jones, Nottingham).

"Stand up if you hate West Ham."
Sung by Blades fans at the opening match of the season. (Claire Rhodes, Kettering).

"Monty is an Indian, Monty is an Indian... la, la, la, la, la!"
Sung by India fans to Monty Panesar at Trent Bridge. (Kab Bains, England).

"We're going to win the league!"
Optimistic Leeds fans after their opening-day win at Tranmere. Another four in a row and they'll reach the giddy heights of nil points. (John, UK).

"You're just a bus-stop in Surrey."
Preston fans not quite grasping the concept of local geography when chanting to Norwich City fans on the opening day of the new season. (Sam Clark, England).

"Do you work at B&Q?"
Sung by Leicester fans as they met orange-clad Blackpool in their opening fixture. (James Flynn, England).


BANNER OF THE WEEK

"We sing better than your wife."
DC United fans have a dig at David Beckham during the LA Galaxy game. (John McKelvie, Scotland).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week

"If my missus went to Spain and I saw pictures of her I would be gutted but I'd always realise she would come back. She speaks French, Dutch, English, but not Spanish, so she couldn't talk to the b****r. So she would come back to me."
Martin Jol's cryptic message after Tottenham officials allegedly flew out to Spain for a meeting with representatives of Sevilla coach Juande Ramos.

"There's a fine line between loyalty and stupidity and, no doubt, I've been stupid. It won't happen again."
Roy Keane has a pop at himself after Sunderland's 3-0 defeat at Wigan.

"It's disappointing to be dropped from any team - even my mates' fantasy league team!''
West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green on his England squad omission.

"I had more fun staying in a tent than a five-star hotel."
Jenson Button gets his feet back on the ground following a camping trip to France.

"I feel like Dick Turpin after getting away with a highway robbery."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy after seeing his side stand and deliver against Blackpool, despite being "rubbish".

"I had 18 players at Brentford and 20 at MK Dons, but when you see all the players run out at training here it's like a scene from Zulu!"
Martin Allen compares the size of his Leicester squad to the Michael Caine epic...not a lot of people knew that.

"I don't remember Mansell's incident - I was only one!"
Lewis Hamilton after journalists likened his puncture in Istanbul to Nigel Mansell's blow-out in 1986, which cost him the world title.

"Tim's probably thinking 'every time I show up for a Grand Slam I play this clown'."
Dmitry Tursonov ahead of his first round clash with Tim Henman at the US Open - the Briton's last Grand Slam event. Tursonov has already beaten him in three previous slams.

"It's still in my body and I'll have to pass it at sometime but my passing's absolutely diabolical. That's what I told the doctor: "What chance have I got of passing anything - did you see me play?!"
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway speaks about his kidney stone in his BBC column.

"As soon as we won the penalty, my mind flashed back to 1999 when it was Bergkamp versus Schmeichel. Now it was another Dutchman against his son. I was hoping history would not repeat itself, but it did. I just hope I don't come up against his grandson."
Arsene Wenger after seeing Kasper Schemichel save Robin van Persie's penalty, eight years after the old man denied Dennis Bergkamp in the FA Cup semi-final replay.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I've come to Middlesbrough for the shopping."
New signing Mido responding to Roy Keane's comments on WAGs. (Ian McD, Cumbria).

"Tremlett it was with the dive, but he got down to that like a arthritic giraffe on rollerskates."
Ben Dirs, live cricket commentary - creative as ever! (Mark Worrall, England).

"That was two-thirds of the way towards being a half-decent jump."
Jonathan Edwards confusing everyone with maths during the athletics World Championships. (David Berry, England).

"He always seems to do the most simple things the hard way - if he was building a house he would start with the roof."
Dennis Cometti on Australian TV describing an AFL player. (John Ellen, Australia).

"Don't make me laugh!"
Honda F1 driver Rubens Barrichello to his mechanic who had (accurately) claimed team-mate Jenson Button was two seconds per lap faster than him. (Phil, England).

"I know, I look like Amy Winehouse!"
Shrewsbury player Dave Hibbert after supporters commented on his black eye. (Sam Morris, Shrewsbury).

"Nothing bread and butter about it, it was covered in jam."
Sky Sports commentator after Nani's strike against Spurs. (Craig Killah, Scotland).

"Mark Viduka brings the ball down on his thing, twists round his old team-mate and slams the volley home."
Charlie Henderson's live football commentary on your website. (Jess, Australia). After a punter texted in, Charlie admitted 'Ahem, that was supposed to be thigh' -Ed.

"I like the track, I like the place, the country, the city and especially the track."
Ferrari driver Felipe Massa on Istanbul. Reckon he likes the track? (Chris Humphris, London).

''I am a man of few words but I always speak my mind."
Gabriel Heinze upon being unveiled at the Bernabeu. Can he ever make his mind up? (Gareth Hussey, England).

"I'd like to think we could beat them but then again, we do tend to struggle against teams in the bottom half."
Man City fan on last Saturday's Football Focus talking about the Manchester derby. How long was he waiting to use that one?! (Pat, Ireland).

"Sheffield United beat the f*** out of West Brom today. Go Blades! I'm just caught up in the Blades fever!"
Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Flea, pledges his allegiance to the Blades on stage at Reading Festival. (Chris H, United Kingdom).

"Manchester Unit... Sorry, Manchester City, are top of the table tonight..."
Old habits die hard for 5live reporter. (Mr G, England).

"Both keepers seem to be suffering from confidence."
Alan Shearer giving a mis-diagnosis during England's game with Germany. (Mark Davidson, England).

"I want to ask the Premier League why it was so difficult for Liverpool to sign Javier Mascherano, but so easy for Carlos Tevez to join Man Utd?"
Rafa Benitez. Errrr, is that the Tevez transfer that took all summer? (Paul McCarthy, England).

"You know it's your day when you dive two-handed and stick your other hand out to take the catch."
Alistair 'three hands' Cook on his brilliant catch at the Rose Bowl. (Paddy, Wilts, UK).

"The only thing Cook did wrong was look so suprised after taking the catch."
Vic Marks on TMS after Cook's catch. (Daniel Grey, England).

"Monty ain't no Jonty."
Sky Sports commentator Ravi Shastri. Hmm, possibly not but it was still a good throw to take out Ganguly during the first ODI between England and India. (Jo Hill, England).

"We are not Superman."
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez. That's cleared that up, then. (Ahad, UK).

"You've got to lose to win."
Roy Keane after Sunderland lost 3-0 to Wigan. (Bill, Derbyshire).

"Manchester United have a free kick on the edge of the corner box."
Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday. Legend. (Chris Murray, England).

"Sidebottom, who has a sidestrain, has been sidelined for this match."
All India Radio commentator for the first ODI between India and England. (Shodan. A.R., India).

"I heard a snap, I heard a snap!"
Shouted by MK Dons full back Gareth Edds whilst rolling around in agony. It took a word from another player informing him that it was his shinpad that broke to get the hardman back to his feet. (Ed Finn, UK).

"I thought Frank Lampard was going to follow through then!"
John Motson during the first half commentary of the England v Germany game. (Kris Jones, Neath, South Wales).

''Sometime in the season we will have unluck, as you say.''
Sven Goran-Eriksson after the Manchester derby. (Luke Merali-Hosiene, England).

"We're in second place. We're in pole position."
David Healy talks up Northern Ireland's chances of Euro 2008 qualification. (Steve Owen, Ireland).

"Whatever happened to Bolton's 'up-your-bum' football?"
Radio 5live reporter following Bolton's 3-0 win against Reading. (Jack Colohan, Wales).

"Falkirk play some good football, they don't sit back and defend."
Walter Smith trying to give some unconvincing praise to Falkirk after Rangers scored seven past them - at least he got the second part right! (Chris Rosie, England).

"Taylor's carried his left foot from one side of the pitch to the other."
Sky commentator Peter Drury during Portsmouth v Bolton - nice one Peter! (Richard Ewart, Australia).

"And just as England looked in command, we're back to 1-1."
John Motson pointing out that every football match starts with a 1-1 scoreline. (Gary Robertson, Scotland).

"They're only human."
Geoff Billington talking about Ellen Whittaker's horse Locarno at the European Show Jumping Championships. (Rosie, UK).

"A moth the size of a pigeon has just gone into the floodlight - they never learn, do they?"
BBC Radio London commentator on the Sparta Prague v Arsenal game. (Paul Worley, England).

"The reason for my beard is that over the summer I lost my razor."
Rafa Benitez extinguishing any superstition-related reasons for his new-look appearance. (Rob, England).

"You can't worry about what your hair looks like rather than the result."
York City Manager Billy McEwan on the prospect of the Minstermen being on TV. (Andy Cole, England).

"I will make Birmingham the biggest club in the world!"
Carson Yeung on the impact he intends to make if he becomes Birmingham chairman. (Alex, England).

"Santa Cruz did very well there to get in between the defenders and get offside."
Kevin Gallacher commentating on Blackburn Rovers v MyPa Habib on Channel 5. (Lodal).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"It's neat, it's weird, it's Rafa's goatee beard!"
Liverpool fans salute the great man's strange growth. (Dylan Knight, England).

"You're not fit to referee."
Boro fans to referee Lee Mason as he limped from the pitch to be replaced. (Michael Briggs, England).

"You're too fat to referee!"
Blackburn fans to tubby official Alan Wiley after a shocking performance against Arsenal. (Danny Roberts, England).

"Get the Chelsea out of Leeds!"
Sung by Leeds fans when Tore Andre Flo came on against Southend - five minutes later he scored! (Joe Green, England).  

"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Saints fans singing at their away-day to Norwich. (Simon Carter, England).

"Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya!"
Sunderland fans chant at Liverpool match (To the tune of "Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls) (Owen Mitchell, England).

"Petr Cech has got his hat on,
Hip-hip-hip-hip-hooray,
Petr Cech has got his hat on,
'Cos without it he can't play!"
Sung by my girlfriend (Jessica Hadwin) every time that Chelsea are playing. (Phil Emberton, England).

"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be, We're going to wembley, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans at 0-0 against Wolves.

"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be, Were going to Shrewsbury, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans 10 mins later after going 2-0 down. (Liam Chew).

"**** off back to London."
Man City fans to Man United fans.

"**** off back to Stockport."
Man United fans reply. (Hayder Khan, England).

"Steve Maclean, Steve Maclean.
Does whatever a Steve Maclean does.
Can he shoot? Can he score?
'Course he can 'cause he's a goal machine.
Look out, for Steve Maclean."
Cardiff fans welcome Maclean's first Cardiff goal at QPR with this Simpsons Movie-themed chant. (Leigh, Wales).

"Score in October, we're gonna score in October!"
Forest fans singing at Swansea. (Michael Jones, England).

"We'd rather go to Rhyl!"
Wolves fans to their Blackpool counterparts in the 2-1 win at Molineux. (Martin Wall, England).

"You're just a **** Gareth Bale!"
Spurs fans to Ryan Giggs. (Dale Lloyd, England).

"He's only four foot tall."
Forest fans to Dennis Wise. (Mike, England).

"You only sing when youre rowing!"
Cambridge fans singing to Oxford. (James).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Scorer for Kilmarnock, number 16 Dick Turpin."
Fir Park announcer When Kilmarnock striker Rhian Dodds scored a last-minute winner against Motherwell in a game which the Well totally dominated. (Gerry Creechan, Scotland).

[lojosang]

Stan Lazaridis er utestengt i 12 måneder for ulovlig bruk av antiskallethetsmiddel.
http://www.vg.no/pub/vgart.hbs?artid=157434

"Han har hele tiden vært redd for å bli oppfattet som en juksemaker.
- Jeg vil slå fast at jeg alltid har lagt vekt på å være redelig. Jeg ville aldri oppnå noen fordel på noen måte."

Da lurer jeg på et par ting:
- Hvorfor bruker han et middel han tror ikke virker
- Om det også er forbudt med tupé på fotballbanen
- Om Steve Stone kunne forlenget sin karriære om han hadde brukt samme middel

Trenge vel for fakerten  ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! []

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week  


What we have been missing: Emile Heskey in action for England

"I have to admit it comes as a bit of a surprise."
Emile Heskey echoes the thoughts of many England fans as he celebrates being called up to the squad for the first time since Euro 2004.

"He's had a few headlines this week. Some welcome, some unwelcome"
Villa boss Martin O'Neill sums up Zat Knight's week perfectly after the defender signed for his boyhood favourites, got banged up in a cell for a night and then scored against Chelsea on his debut.

"It's a bit like a marriage. You want to do things in life but if you don't have anyone to share it with then it's just not as fulfilling."
Gareth Southgate takes an original line in trying to lure the crowds back to the Riverside Stadium.

"It was so hot out there, if I had been able to run naked I would have. Unfortunately I could not because I knew my 10-year-old daughter would be watching."
New marathon world champion, 35-year-old Catherine Ndereba after winning gold in the heat of Osaka.

"I've really slowed down on my shopping for once in my life. We went out the other day and I bought a pair of shoes. Finally I don't need anything."
At the age of 27, Venus Williams has everything she needs.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"There was an unprecedented opportunity to see silverware at St James's Park....as Durham paraded the Friends Provident Trophy!"
Gary Lineker ahead of the Newcastle game on Match of the Day. (Jer, England)

"And that's a lifetime best. It must be one of the best runs of her life."
Paul Dickinson on the BBC at the Athletics World Championships. (Matt Meads, UK

"They looked like a team that came here to lose."
Ray Houghton on RTE commentating on the Liverpool v Toulouse game. (Andy, Ireland)



Schmeichel has progressed thanks to father-figure Peter. Or is that his father?

"I think Peter Schmeichel will be a father-figure for Kasper."
Jamie Redknapp (with quite possibly the best quote so far this season - ed). (Daniel Walters, United Kingdom).

"They haven't got that player around the box with a bit of guile, that can open a can of worms."
Another Paul Merson classic.... everyone wants to open a can of worms eh, Paul? (Andrew Rawcliffe, England)

"That'll be a real shot in the arm for British athletics."
Steve Cram after Christine Ohuruogu won the 400m (she was banned for missing three drugs tests) (Peter, England and others).

"We showed today what a good team we are...in a footballing sense."
Some coleman's balls from Blackburn manager Mark Hughes.(Alex Kealy, UK).

"We should have killed them and buried them."
Billy Davies going a bit over the top with his post match comments. (Scott Kenny, England).

"He wasn't born, he was chiselled out of an oak tree."
Classic comment by Alan Green on Five Live about Spurs' Tom Huddlestone during the Man Utd v Spurs game on Sunday. (Claire B, UK).

"The best goalkeepers make the saves."
Mark Lawrenson stating the obvious once again!! (James Rance, Swanage, England).



A fine composition: Mozart puts the boos behind him at Celtic

"Celtic fans are booing Mozart as he goes to take this corner, but that will be music to his ears".
BBC1 Scotland commentator during the Spartak Moscow v Celtic game. (Gwiggs, Ayrshire).

"Watching Stoke reminds me of a teenagers bedroom: untidy, not particularly nice on the eye but serves a purpose."
BBC Radio commentator reporting on the Stoke v Wolves match on Saturday. (Sam Brownsword, England)

"It's like a James Bond film where you think, why doesn't the villain kill him? - and then eventually he comes back to bite them."
Lawrie Sanchez's take on his side's 3-3 draw against Spurs. (Jonathan Moffitt, N.Ireland).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're gonna win 7-6! We're gonna win 7-6!"
Chanted by Derby fans during their demolition by Liverpool. (Gary, England).

"Eriksson wins with video stars"
City fans at the Manchester derby sing to the tune of Buggles 'Video Killed the Radio Star'. (Jon Thorne, England).

"What time's your Easyjet?"
Arsenal chant at home to Sparta Prague fans at the end of 3-0 win. (Katie, England).



Watford fans had a fun day out until they went to the football!  

''Toulouse! You lose!!''
Liverpool fans chant at Toulouse fans after winning 4-0 at Anfield. (Aneesh Kumar, England).

"Did you eat, did you eat, did you eat Barry Fry?"
Cambridge United fans to the portly Farsely Celtic 'keeper. (Drew Gray, UK).

"You must've come on a pony"
Gloucester City fans away at Bashley. (Simon, Gloucester, England).

"South Stand give us a song"
Hull fans ask the completely empty south stand for a song. (Joe Barry, England).

"Sink in the boat race! We hope you sink in the boat race!"
Woking fans to their Cambridge counterparts. (Graeme, England).

"Blackwell, give us a wave, Blackwell, Blackwell give us a wave."
Luton fans to their manager Kevin Blackwell once 3-0 up against Sunderland.

"Blackwell out!"
Two minutes later when Blackwell didn't respond.(Sam Dear, England).

"You're just a small town in Loughborough".
Leicester City fans teasing Nottingham Forest supporters at the City Ground on Tuesday. (John, Rugby, UK).

"Two King Arthurs! There's only two King Arthurs"
Heard sung by one of the many happy Celtic fans walking along London Road after Artur Boruc's penalty saves earn a Champions League win over Spartak Moscow (Ewan McTaggart, Scotland).

"Stayed at the fun fair, we should have stayed at the fun fair."
Watford fans after going 2-0 down to Southend.(Gordon, England).

"You only sing when you're fishing."
Burnley fans at their recent cup tie against Grimsby.(James Strother, United Kingdom).

"You only sing when you're swimming!"
Hartlepool fans at Hillsborough after going 1-0 up.(Dan, England).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"If there is a qualified referee in the ground please can he make himself known to a steward."
PA at half-time at Craven Cottage during Fulham v Boro game during which the referee and linesman had a nightmare. (Smollett, England)

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week


I knew we should have gone for Uncle Ben's

"It was a sense of numbness really - how the hell are we out of this World Cup? It even got to the point where there were weird ideas - maybe if we'd had brown rice rather than white."
Rio Ferdinand reflects on England's 2006 World Cup exit.

"As a player, he was a ranter and a raver. But I think he's taken it back a bit. He's just a ranter now."
Sunderland's Paul McShane on manager Roy Keane, who no longer throws shapes to loud dance music in a smiley-miley t-shirt, apparently.

"Even my sister asked me whether I'd left."
Derby striker Robert Earnshaw on the speculation linking him with a move, a few weeks after signing for the Rams.

"Beckham thought that a celebrity lifestyle, being drawn increasingly into the showbiz world of wife Victoria, was compatible with the regime of a professional footballer. His manager did not."
Sir Bobby Charlton - not a fan of Posh.

"He was never a problem until he got married."
Sir Alex Ferguson concurs.

"In the last two days, people were more congratulating me for the impressions than for the tennis. I was wondering, I am here for the impressions, the entertainment, or to play tennis?"
Novak Djokovic makes a good impression on the fans for his take-offs of fellow players.

"At 4.15 am, my coach and me walked into McDonald's."
David Ferrer gets the munchies after finishing his US Open match with Rafael Nadal at 2am.

"I'm now out there spending someone else's money, which is brilliant! I feel like I've died and gone to heaven!"
Peterborough director of football Barry Fry on the joys of no longer owning the club.

"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the World Cup."
What Robbie Savage reportedly told Wales manager John Toshack. At least he's not bitter.

"When I took his wicket I just said a quiet thank you to the man upstairs."
Monty Panesar needed the big man on side to take out the Little Master in the sixth one-dayer.

"Ray Clemence has got more chance of starting a game than me at the moment."
Scott Carson on his chances of playing for England.



Now where's that ton you promised me?

"Rob Burrow and Danny McGuire bet me £100 I couldn't go eight weeks without shaving - it's the easiest £100 I am ever going to earn."
Leeds Rhinos star Keith Senior does not mind the odd hairy moment.

"I got out of Bolton quick. The weather and English football were not for me. The forwards used to tackle me, a defender. I did not understand."
As Vincent Candela announces his retirement, he reveals why he left Bolton in 2005.

"It was probably good entertainment if you were not on the receiving end."
David Bentley on being booed during his full England debut after pulling out of the European under-21 tournament.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"England aren't the same team as four years ago, they haven't got big Johnsons."
Presenter on Ireland's Newstalk Radio, talking about the Rugby World Cup. (Enda Scahill, Galway).

Chris Waddle: "I would like to see Bentley brought on for the last 20 minutes."
Mike Ingham: "12 minutes left here at Wembley..."
Radio 5live coverage of England v Israel. (Phil, North Shields, UK).

"Not what Northern Ireland wanted. Nigel Worthington had targeted at least four points from this match."
No wonder Northern Ireland struggled in Latvia when set a task like that! (Andy Croft, England).

"Good name for Scrabble."
Mark Lawrenson, commenting on Israel's left back, Yoav Ziv. (Pete Stevens, England).


Scary stuff  

"If there's one sight more frightening that the Argentinian front row, it's the Argentinian front row singing."
Welsh language television commentator after the anthems of the opening match in the Rugby World Cup. (Seiriol Hughes, Wales).

"Olly Barkley puts out. And he puts out well!"
ITV Commentator knows nothing about rugby but seems to know Olly Barkley intimately. (Stuart Drennan, Ireland).

"Twiddle the knob around until something new comes up."
Jonathan Agnew when telling listeners how to listen to cricket commentary on digital radio (during the final ODI). (Janiv Patel, UK).

"I dont think it was a high tackle, I just think Dominici was low."
ITV commentator in the France v Argentina game. (Daniel Grey, England).

"God told me to sign for Hull."
Jay-Jay Okocha on why he went to the KC stadium. (Anonymous).

"Antoine Sibierski and Titus Bramble are going back to their old ground, where Sibierski was a cult hero, and Bramble...was not."
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday. (Tom, UK).

"Two unanswered goals from the Galaxy answered by two unanswered goals from New York."
Commentary from America on the LA Galaxy v New York Red Bulls game. (Gregory Bortkiewicz, Brighton).


Don't do it, kids

"He's blown his whistle more times than a drunken raver!"
One of the pundits on Final score about the Wigan v Newcastle game. (Dom S, UK).

"Mozart is pulling all the strings tonight."
Alex McLeish in the studio during the Celtic-Spartak match on BBC Scotland. (Jason, Ireland).

"They'll be all right. They'll be safe."
Roy Keane when asked about Man U's prospects for the season. (Jack, Ireland).

"Peter Crouch has such a great touch he could bring down a shot put."
Clive Tyldesley - Liverpool v Toulouse second leg. (Chris, Oldham).

"I don't know what the opposite of divisive is, but I'm the opposite of divisive."
Lawrence Dallaglio responding to Gaby Logan when asked what he thought about criticism aimed at him. (Clair, England).

"How about Zat!"
Match of the Day commentator after Zat Knight scores against Chelsea. (Will B, UK).

"...and now over to the rowing and commentary on the men's cockless fours..."
Gaby Logan on her Saturday morning radio show. (Pete Stevens, UK).

"Sanders came storming down the final straight like a house on fire."
Michael Johnson during the athletics World Championship. (David Armstrong, UK).


Who's going to argue with Leonard's Law?

"I think rugby is self-regulating, you don't really need a referee. If someone belts me I'll belt them back, sort of thing."
Rugby legend Jason Leonard on our community radio station. (John Lee, Australia).

"Peter Crouch watches from his seat as The Reds go 1-0 up, something he'll have to get used to this season."
Angus Deayton on TV show Hell's Kitchen as Peter Crouch was a guest in the restaurant. (Patrick Shields, Ireland).

"If you get two points from every game you win it by a street."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy talking about what you need to win the Championship - he obviously needs to be taught how the points scoring system works. (Conrad Edkins, England).

"I am here to get to get the job done and I'm not making any predictions...I just know that come the end of the fight I will be WBC champion."
Vivian Harris not making any predictions ahead of his fight against Junior Witter. Which he lost - Ed. (Julian, UK).

"For those not too familiar with Luke Wright he looks like the kind of bloke you'd be eyeing carefully if you let your missus out of sight during a night out."
Pranav Soneji on BBC Sport website's cricket commentary. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).

"Nice start from the leggie, who looks like the model student, the kind of bloke you would ask if you could borrow his notes because your hangover ensured you would have no chance in hell of making your 9am lecture."
A great comment on the England-India 6th ODI from the BBC commentator. (Tom Waring, England).

"He bowled two overs, two maidens, and he's also not gone for any runs."
Charles Colville, struggling to understand a maiden while commentating on Kent v Surrey. (Alex Davis, England).

"What we have to do now is tinkle with the little bits."
Scott Murray, Scotland lock, talking about improving after the defeat to South Africa. (Gareth Godfrey, UK).

The joy of six

"Danger-anus Mascarenhas!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd after Mascarenhas hit the fourth of his five sixes against India. (Ryan, Australia).

"It's a nice leg. A little too hairy for my taste, but it's a nice leg."
Commentator Taylor Dent admiring Fabrice Santoro's legs while the trainer was massaging them. (Hesham Mourad, Egypt).

"This is a game Serena could either win or lose depending on how she plays." US Open commentator before Serena Williams v Justine Henin. (Ashley, USA).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Oh you can freeze 500 million, and you can freeze 500 more, Cos Thaksin's got another billion underneath his bedroom floor, SHIN-A-WATRA SHIN-A-WATRA!"
Chant of the season so far, from Man City fans to the tune of The Proclaimers' "500 miles". Genius. (Denis, Germany).

"Where's your caravan?"
Port Vale fans to long-haired ex-player Danny Sonner at Walsall. (Griff, England).

Three more points to go then we get to zero (to the tune of '10 Men Went To Mow').
Leeds fans on getting to minus three points. (Graeme Garvey, England).

"Zero! Zero! Zero!"
Leeds fans after their two-goal win over Hartlepool took them back to zero points! (Sam Johnston, UK).


God save the queen

''Elton, Elton he is the queen of Vicarage Road!''
The Watford faithful take a break from hailing Marlon as the King of Vicarage Road and acknowledge Elton John in the crowd. (David Smith, England).

"We've only got 10 men."
Wigan fans at St James's Park.
"You've only got 10 fans!"
Newcastle fans' response. (Glen, UK).

The Premier League is upside down, The Premier League is upside down, We're in the Champions League with Derby, and Liverpool are going down."
Sung by Reading fans after successive 3-0 defeats. (James Bucknall, Republic of Berkshire).

"Pardew, is a Palace fan."
After Charlton manager Alan Pardew responded to home chants of "Pardew give us a wave" at the South London derby. (Tom Ball, UK).

"Batman is a Kopite."
Liverpool fans in the Kop as two bats circled and darted in and out of the stand during the Toulouse game. (Greg, England).

"They tried to make me sign for Celtic, but I said No, No, No!"
Sung by Rangers fans on Saturday v Gretna about new signing Steven Naismith, to the tune of Amy Winehouse's Rehab. (Boyd Pearson, Scotland).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Mr John Smith your wife is waiting under the scoreboard, it's your turn to feed the baby."
During Leicester Tigers match. (Dennis Blackburn, England).

"Smoking is banned in the stadium but if you are desperate ask a steward for a nicotine patch."
Bristol Rovers stadium announcer before the home game against Crewe. (Ed Blackwell, UK).