Football's free transfer rat race 
Cristiano Ronaldo was linked with a record transfer move to Real Madrid Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your affiliations, there is only one Cristiano Ronaldo.
For most players, negotiations over multi-million pound transfers have never been mooted, let alone turned into a summer-long pantomime.
In a see-saw transfer tale which has dominated the back pages, the Manchester United winger had looked set for a world record move to Real Madrid until, this week, the 23-year-old declared he would be staying at Old Trafford for "at least one more season".
The likes of Ronaldo, Gareth Barry and Emmanuel Adebayor may have spent the close season outrageously flirting with various clubs in a manner which would have put Jessica Rabbit to shame.
For those blessed with a little less magic in their boots, or whose prowess on the pitch has been withered away by Old Father Time, the summer has consisted of seemingly endless trials and hopeful phone calls to chairmen, managers and old team-mates in a bid to find a new club.
High-profile casualties include Freddie Ljungberg, Ivan Campo and Patrik Berger, but mixed with those illustrious names are veteran journeymen, aspiring teenagers and twenty-somethings desperately trying to make a living.
Joachim won nine caps for England Under-21s Julian Joachim was released by Darlington at the end of last season and according to the 33-year-old former Aston Villa, Leeds United and Leicester City striker the search for a new club gets more difficult with age.
Joachim, who just over 10 years ago moved from Filbert Street to Villa Park in a £1.5m deal, told BBC Sport: "At the end of the season you want to relax and switch off, but you've got to be fresh, go on trials and try to prove you're good enough.
"It gets harder and harder as the years go by, especially around the smaller clubs."
The League Two club had a year's option on his contract, but Joachim was told he had no future at the Arena and is now preparing to ply his trade on a part-time basis in the Blue Square North with King's Lynn.
"Basically, the budget at Darlington had been slashed by half and they took me into the office to tell me they couldn't keep me because they hadn't got the funds," explained Joachim.
"They talked to me about their situation; I talked to them about my situation and it was best for both parties that I got out. I knew King's Lynn were interested and the club is in an ideal location as it's near home in Boston."
The average footballer, according to Mick McGuire, primary deputy chief executive of the Professional Footballers Association (PFA), leads a "precarious existence".
Around 500 players were released from their clubs at the end of last season, and McGuire told BBC Sport: "About 15 to 20%, that's 1/6 of footballers, are losing their jobs at the end of every season.
"If you or I were in an industry with a turnover that high then we'd be seriously worried. Adding to the insecurities players face, they are also increasingly being given short-term contracts, and not two-year contracts like they used to."
To help players get back on football's conveyor belt, the PFA keeps a register of available players called the Player Transfer Directory.
It is a bit like a dating service for managers looking for that special someone. In fact, the directory outshines the average matchmaking website.
Not only does the directory provide the customary picture profile, age, height and nationality, but it provides information on the players' favourite positions and a brief history on their previous dalliances: seven clubs in five seasons (possible commitment issues); season-long loan (strangely given permission to play away).
Walsall manager Jimmy Mullen believes the directory is invaluable for clubs working on a shoe-string budget in a sport where money no longer talks but deafens.
Mullen has managed Burnley and Blackpool "If you look at the standard of League One and League Two, it's becoming higher and higher," the former Sheffield Wednesday and Cardiff City player told BBC Sport.
"You've got clubs like Shrewsbury spending £170,000 on players so it's becoming tougher to get the right calibre of player."
While Mullen sympathises with those players who face an uncertain future, the beautiful game has, according to the League One boss, become an unsentimental rat race, with clubs scurrying around to cobble together a promotion-winning squad.
Mullen said: "Telling a player he is no longer wanted is something that you get used to. I think the player usually has an idea so it's not that difficult. When it catches a player by surprise then it's a case of explaining why, but life goes on.
"It is not a nice thing to tell people but it is a necessity. You've got to do it because football is a rat race. It is a results-orientated business.
"If a manager doesn't get results then he gets the sack, so if a player does not do his job then he has to go and someone else has got to come in. It is a vicious circle, but, unfortunately, that's the way football is."
Some decide to step out of the circle, but others persevere. Former Wales and Cardiff City defender Jason Perry believes players need to be "mentally tough" if they are to stay in the game.
Perry, who for the last four years has been running a football academy in South Wales, focusing on educating youngsters as well as honing their football skills, said: "Nearly 99% of boys want to become footballers so when they walk through our doors you've got to tell them the truth: not everybody makes it.
"You've got the be in the right place at the right time. The boys come in and they're very negative in the way they play because they worry too much about making mistakes. It's a case of changing their thought process.
"Football is about opinions, someone else's opinion might be different so you've got to be mentally tough and stay positive."
BBC
