Dessverre ikke Old Trafford.
(http://pub.tv2.no/multimedia/na/archive/00298/stadion__demolition_298859c.jpg)
Hele bildeserien her: http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=17687
Noen av de beste fotballprestasjonene gjennom tidene.
Dette er god underholdning selv om det dessverre ikke er et fnugg av Leeds-bilder her!
[King Eddie's mål mot Burnley borte ha vært her]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcGKgi4h7CA
Tidenes Leeds-klassiker!
(http://sjl-static4.sjl.youtube.com/vi/Nkd3HWQu32Q/2.jpg)
Eddie Gray v Burnley
2nd Goal
4th May 1970
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkd3HWQu32Q
Johnny's History Of...Football Kit
(http://www.football365.com/Images/Football365/john_nicholson_header.jpg)
At first, football strips didn't exist. No, they didn't play naked, but players sported jaunty-coloured caps. Then in the 1870s, clubs started wearing coloured shirts and delightful knickerbockers in colours associated with their founders' roots. Reading sported a lovely salmon pink and pale blue outfit; Wanderers wore an eye-watering pink, black and cerise outfit. Suits you sir.
However, the psychedelic miasma of colours made it hard for players, fans and officials to distinguish one side from another in the foggy grey sleet of a late Victorian January afternoon. So shirts became plainer, simpler and of contrasting primary colours.
Players were not allowed to expose their knees until the turn of the 20th century. The sight of knees was a dangerous thing that might destroy society in an orgy of lust and immorality. As opposed to delicious, still legal, opium.
But in 1901 caution was thrown to the wind and the knickerbockers were hoisted further up, eventually becoming, admittedly very long shorts. These were always white, black or navy. Socks were always in dark colours. It was the 1950s before anyone was secure enough in their manhood to wear pale sock colours.
The shirts were a collar-less granddad style with laces up the front. Before the Great War all the girly cerise and salmon colours fell out of favour because it looked unmanly to the increasingly massive crowds of moustachioed and thoroughly butch factory and mine workers who were hyper-sensitive to any suggestion of homosexuality in their midst.
In the 30s, the lace-up was replaced with a rugby shirt style collar with a button. It was first worn at Arsenal. Their boss, Herbert Chapman, also shocked the football world by introducing the contrast body/sleeves shirt. It was as modern as Picasso.
Just before the war, shirts started appearing with numbers on the back. This was another Herbert Chapman invention.
The first man-made fibre shirt was worn by Bolton for the 1953 cup final. It was the kind of shiny acrylic satin that gives off static electricity and makes balloons stick to walls.
As those dastardly foreigners from places like Hungary and Germany started to win everything, the style of shirts was very influenced by continental fashions. Shorts were cut to be closer-fitting and look less like a tarpaulin flapping around your legs. Some clubs such as Manchester United went for a V-neck shirt. Oooh, you do look gorgeous Duncan.
By the time the Beatles were rocking the Cavern, the kit industry had changed again. Shorts were actually short and had numbers on.
Shirts got plainer and simpler with crew necks. Coventry were the first club to play in a single colour shirt, shorts, socks and jockstrap. No-one had thought to do this in any colour except white, until Jimmy Hill dropped acid with The Beatles and Dylan. As soon as Coventry had done this, other clubs like Liverpool and Chelsea thought it looked lovely and copied the single colour look. The copycat bitches!
Tommy Docherty had Villa's strip redesigned in 1969 with a groovy new v-neck insert collar which became all the rage in the 70s.
In the early 70s Crystal Palace brought out a brilliant shirt; white with a diagonal red and blue stripe from shoulder to hip. It appeared to be based on the cover of Aladdin Sane. Cambridge United's away strip was inspired by the cover of Yes's Tales From Topographic Oceans.
(http://www.mightyleeds.co.uk/images/kitunited196771.gif)
In 1975 Don Revie did a deal with Admiral to produce a Leeds kit with the club badge so that fans could show their support for the club by buying it. The 'official' club shirt was born and evil entered the world.
This was a radical new idea, but it didn't go down well with everyone. Previously you just bought a generic shirt off the market in the colours of your club for a fiver. An 'official' strip was an alien concept. What did it mean?
Many thought it was just a rip-off. How can thing like a shirt be 'official' and therefore worth three times the money? When Man United brought out a new Admiral strip in 1975 it cost £15. This was at least 25% of the average weekly wage - today a typical shirt is around 5%. Surely it wasn't an exploitative, money-making exercise to fleece the working class of their hard-earned wonga?
To inflate the value of the replica shirts, clubs started putting the club crest on and later, in the 90s, registered them as trademarks, thus giving lots of work to expensive, anally-retentive copyright lawyers called Tristam.
It worked so well that buying the 'official' shirt is now thought by most to show your loyalty to the club, as opposed to making you feel ripped off for buying a cheap bit of nylon at an inflated price.
Shirt sponsors were resisted for a while, but in 1977 Hibs took Bukta's money. Hands up who remembers sports company Bukta? No-one? Good.
Derby did the first English deal in 1978 with Abba-loving wonky-shaped car people Saab but only wore them in the club photo as they were too ashamed at the rampant exploitation of the whole concept to play in them. And who wants a Saab anyway?
Liverpool, the famous socialist republic, were the first to actually play in a sponsored shirt in 1979 after doing a deal with Crown Paints.
In the early 80s, BBC and ITV wouldn't show games when clubs had the sponsor logos on their shirts, so briefly everyone had to have a 'for TV only' strip without a logo or cover up the offending words with gaffer tape.
The old farts had to give way in 1983 but insisted the logo should be no more than 16 inches square, which was exactly the same size as their brains.
Meanwhile, the kit itself was evolving away from heavy-duty cotton and into the infamous shell-suit hell. Shorts became so skimpy that your meat and potatoes could flop out in an unguarded moment if not secured properly with gaffer tape, super glue or the tongue of a local virgin.
Man-made fabric shirts could be printed on, so everything went loved-up psychedelic. Goalkeepers wore garish shirts that made them look like clowns. Arsenal's '91-'93 cubist hallucination away strip could induce epilepsy on a sunny day.
Norwich's shirt was a radioactive green and yellow vomit splatter. Increasingly, going to the football was like taking mescaline and staring at the sun for 12 hours. Hull City's even had tiger stripes on. Pussies.
Shorts became billowing and voluminous again. Clubs brought out a new strip every year as well as a second, third and fourth variation. The notion of the away team only wearing their second colours if there was a clash was virtually abandoned for commercial reasons.
Man United famously wore a two-tone creation in a vile washed-out old knicker grey which apparently made them invisible to each other. Newcastle United designed denim-coloured shirts to officially 'go well' with jeans. Liverpool's jade away shirt was genuinely cheap and nasty-looking, much like the team.
21st century technology has brought us the wicking shirt and loads of collar variations and design details which are tweaked every other year to make kids buy them again and again and again.
Retro strips have become a large industry, if not as big an industry as the official 'bootleg' shirts, which you can buy from a man called Mo on any market, anywhere in Britain on any weekday for £5.99 which are made, invariably in the same factory, by the same slaves, no sorry, people, as the 'official' shirts in Singapore and come with the exact same 'unforgeable' holographic tags. Isn't capitalism wonderful?
The strip industry is in a constant state of revolution as clubs and sportswear companies seek to squeeze bigger profits out of fans' loyalty so they have enough money to buy great players like Djimi Traore and buy themselves unpleasant large cars and women.
AIG's £14.1 million deal with Man United shows what big business it all is. But who wants a shirt with something as nerdy as a 'leading provider of flexible investment solutions' on their chest? Okay, Gavin in accounts does, but I mean anyone who isn't a virgin and who doesn't still live with their parents.
Is it worth the money? Does it increase profits? Some people wouldn't buy a Sharp TV when they sponsored Man United. Are you going to get AIG to do their thing with your money? The f*ck you are!
Not everyone wants to be a billboard for, in the Boro's case, 888.com. It might be the 'official' shirt but so what? It's ugly and downright uncool.
Clubs should make shirts available without the sponsor logo at an increased price to compensate for the reduced ad revenue. Then we could wear the current strip but not endorse the various shysters, environmental rapists, mentalist food purveyors and capitalist attack dogs which often sponsor our clubs and country.
For most of us a match day isn't complete without donning some sort of club shirt past or present. It's important. When a fan sings 'you're not fit to wear the shirt', it is still the biggest insult you can throw at any player. Shirts are an important part of life. They are totems of allegiance. They are not merely a 'brand', they are part of our collective social, civic and cultural identity.
A football club's shirt is very, very powerful...even if it does give you nipple rash.
When not putting Vaseline on his sore, erect nipples, Johnny runs the stonking t-shirt company www.djtees.com. You can read more of him on www.footyrocks.co.uk, www.fmttm.com and www.eplleague.blogspot.com and buy his dirty book Footy Rocks! from www.amazon.co.uk.
Fra: Football365.com
Alt - da mener jeg absolutt ALT - om Leeds Uniteds drakter og badges finner du her: http://www.mightyleeds.co.uk/misc/kits.htm
(http://www.mightyleeds.co.uk/images/leedskitcollectionwaite.jpg)
knall![:)]
Bilder av alle Leeds City- og Leeds United-trøyene: http://new.photos.yahoo.com/davetomuk/album/576460762318782861#page1
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/298e.jpg?phIyk1FBJzxtjFVy) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/fba7.jpg?phIyk1FBa9Sa5X6.) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/931b.jpg?phIyk1FBqRXv772C)
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/b718.jpg?phIyk1FBjz7yf7Gx) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/5a67.jpg?phIyk1FB0aTc6Re2) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/1c8d.jpg?phIyk1FB1eZCQfY5)
Porno for Sverre og andre program-samlere.
Cover-fotos av 70 Leeds Utd-programmer fra 1930 til i dag. Litt av en utvikling...
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/ffd0.jpg?phEkk1FByJtzNnDD) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/1eec.jpg?phEkk1FB.91UeOQk) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/aeda.jpg?phEkk1FBjp8I_8Yr)
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/67bf.jpg?phEkk1FBI6vvc44D) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/6a8f.jpg?phEkk1FBYXfgDSSH) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/b0f8.jpg?phEkk1FB6AHfbKOH)
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/davetomuk/album/576460762318745577
Managers of Leeds City and Leeds United:
27 manager fra 1905 til i dag
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/12b8.jpg?phEkk1FBKXYUaDwg) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/fe8c.jpg?phEkk1FBYTqCkoMn) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/682a.jpg?phEkk1FBYqKkZ47P)
(http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/6de7.jpg?phEkk1FBXwSwJpyl) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/ddf9.jpg?phEkk1FBSArLNW8z) (http://f7.yahoofs.com/users/OSsGC1H1GQNa/__tn_/f570.jpg?phEkk1FBruYrmA03)
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/davetomuk/album/576460762318782888
You Great Allpack! ( Fritt oversatt: Du store alpakka! )
Spiller ingen rolle hvilke automatiserte snutter du bruker for innhenting.
Dette er sider som står til gull! ;))
Kjelvi er Kongen av OEF. [:)]
Jon R.
Og Jon R er hans profet.
Billig sofa til salgs.....
(http://tkfiles.storage.msn.com/x1pdXMbD-RMMPxCF7ES5IQJTeJkx5rOknmMRHlbtFdNsg_zUjG2l0fHsZ9HjBjQ18qPxSmQ8NNSKpG93oCdtTcoyGlumKKlhjD_Quu8GScTFK1HtUpHDD4QIA)
Se verdens verste sjåfører
Her er et utvalg fra noen av de drøyeste sjåførene for øyeblikket. Se de utrolige videoene.
Ulykker kan skje, det er greit. Her snakker vi om folk som strengt tatt mangler de basale kunnskaper om bilkjøring vi andre tar for gitt. Tilfeldigvis ble de også fanget på film idet de utfoldet seg.
http://www.nettavisen.no/bil/article905631.ece
Kjelvi... du vet kanskje ikke at det er en som kaller seg RuneR på forumet.
For de nysgjerrige som trodde det samme som meg, så var det altså ikke det. [:)]
quote:
Originally posted by Enrique
Kjelvi... du vet kanskje ikke at det er en som kaller seg RuneR på forumet.
oooooooops
dette er snakk om den mer omtale Rune 'Ut mot havet' Rudberg...
quote:
Originally posted by kjelvi
oooooooops
dette er snakk om den mer omtalte Rune 'Ut mot havet' Rudberg...
Her inne, Kjell Bjørn, er Rune R langt mer kjent i skikkelsen til den utflytta nordmøringen Reitan enn denne lett avkledte syngemannen...
Dette tilhører jo egentlig Luscos' elementære ABC...
Well Frankie Lee he paniced, he dropped ev'rything and ran
Until he came up to the spot, where Judas Priest did stand
"What kind of house is this", he said "Where I have come to roam?"
"It's not a house", said Judas Priest "It's not a house... it's a home"B.Dylan
quote:
Originally posted by Asbjørn
Her inne, Kjell Bjørn, er Rune R langt mer kjent i skikkelsen til den utflytta nordmøringen Reitan enn denne lett avkledte syngemannen...
Dette tilhører jo egentlig Luscos' elementære ABC...
Oooops. I motsetning til Rune R(udbeg) er jeg nesten som en jomfru å regne her i Forum....
Quotes of the Week
"When you're dealing with someone who only has a pair of underpants on, if you take his underpants off, he has nothing left - he's naked. You're better off trying to find him a pair of trousers to complement him rather than change him."
Arsene Wenger explains his football philosophy - something about not stifling creativity and taking away a player's flair. We think.
"If I give you a good wine, you will see how it tastes and after you ask where it comes from." Wenger (he's on a roll now) defends his recruitment policy at Arsenal.
"I do not think about the national team too much because footballistically it is not of too much interest."
And he's even making words up.
"It really p****d me off that a team-mate should poke his nose in and say I need to think more about the team - especially when it's him who needs to think more about the group! We have the guy considered the best in the world but Samuel Eto'o is also the best in the world. I know he's slagging me off but he should have the b******s to say things to my face instead of stabbing me in the back."
Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o after Frank Rijkaard claimed he refused to come on as a sub against Racing Santander and was backed by Ronaldinho.
"People think that there is a time bomb in the dressing room, but that isn't true. Rijkaard has got the team under control. Samuel Eto'o has a good relationship with the rest of the group and the atmosphere is good"
Tonight, Matthew, Barcelona captain Carles Puyol is Comical Ali.
"The players said afterwards they were better at penalties than me!"
Middlesbrough boss and Euro 96 penalty fluffer Gareth Southgate after watching his side defeat Bristol City on spot kicks in their FA Cup replay.
"I'm like a badger at the start of the pairing-up season."
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway on reaching the FA Cup quarter-finals.
"He's obviously had a mid-season break or the sun bed has been working well. He looked lovely and brown and he is a handsome man."
Ipswich boss Jim Magilton on referee Steve Bennett, whose decisions, Town fans felt, cost their side a place in the FA Cup quarter-finals.
"I get shouted at by the wife all the time for having an untidy bedroom."
Freddie Flintoff reveals his bad habits to the 11-year-old schoolboy who answered questions about the England all-rounder on Junior Mastermind.
"It's just disappointing and it disappoints you."
Dennis Wise on the Leeds United 'snitch' who allegedly passed on team news to opponents Crystal Palace.
Guy Mowbray: "Big Sam and Little Sam are trying to get Bolton back into this."
Mark Lawrenson: "Big Sam, Little Sam? Sounds like a Cbeebies programme!"
BBC commentators talking about Bolton management team Sam Allardyce and Sammy Lee.
"Dear oh dear - that's on the M61!"
Lawro after Gilberto Silva's comedy penalty miss for Arsenal against Bolton in the FA Cup replay.
"He made a few runs in Brisbane and a double century in Adelaide, but I reckon my son could have batted on the first two days there and he is only seven."
Shane Warne heaps praise on Paul Collingwood.
"I try and be good in many different areas, a strong advocate in many areas. But two minutes after people see this interview I'll just be that big gay guy."
Former England international John Amaechi becomes the first former NBA player to publicly declare his homosexuality, during a TV interview.
"It was a major honour to come here and meet the Queen and have a look around. When I get home I'm going to say to my little girl that I've been to Buckingham Palace."
Arsenal captain Thierry Henry on his date with Her Maj.
"Me and Johnno lay in the bath and we could hardly get out!"
Leicester's Geoff Horsfield after he and fellow-striker Andy Johnson got the goals that sank Coventry - despite having a combined age of 65.
"Sometimes you want to crack open the champagne and sometimes you want to kick the dog."
Macclesfield boss Paul Ince after the 2-1 win over Peterborough spared Rover for another week.
"I can't wait to meet Roy Keane...I've got a few of his qualities but I would never claim to be half as hard as he is!"
Sunderland fan Paul Collingwood looks forward to meeting his hero.
"What was incredible was going into the Chelsea dressing room to have a chat and swap shirts. It's bigger than my house!"
Norwich midfielder Dickson Etuhu after the 4-0 FA Cup defeat by Chelsea.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Now that Nos has switched to centreback, he's got much less time on the ball, which is best for all concerned."
A rare moment of comedy from Sunderland boss, Roy Keane, talking about Nyron Nosworthy. (Keith Irving, UK).
"Neil Warnock chopped down Aliadiere in the penalty box and from the replay it looked a clear foul."
Arsenal website has the Sheffield United boss moonlighting for Blackburn. (Uwais Patel, Blackburn).
"Arsenal's first touch and movement is amazing. I hope the people listening are watching this."
Chris Waddle commentating on Bolton v Arsenal in the FA Cup on Five Live. (Chris Alexander, England).
"John Barnes is literally in the eye of the storm at the Bay Arena."
Colin Murray at half-time during Blackburn's Uefa cup tie at Bayer Leverkusen. (Paul Sims, UK).
"Steve Coppell is not no mug."
Ian Wright in the pre-match build-up to Man U v Reading. (A Usher, UK).
"This will be out caught if they catch it."
Cricket commentator Tony Greig, whenever a man is under a high catch. (Steve, Newport).
"There won't be any alcohol for the players in Spain. Maybe a glass of wine for the manager so he can chill out."
Alan Pardew's relaxed view on Charlton's intensive five-day training camp in Spain. (Tommy Blanche, UK).
"Kitson's pass was that good Sidwell didn't even have to move for it, he just ran straight to it."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2 commenting on Steve Sidwell's one-two with Dave Kitson. Didn't move or had to run? Make your mind up, Lee! (Luke Dearing, England).
"I don't want to be playing in the Under 21s forever."
Quote from David Bentley in interview before FA Cup match vs Arsenal on BBC1. Er, does David understand the ageing process? (Jezza, UK).
"The full backs are very offensive."
Glenn Roeder describing his rude team before the Uefa Cup match against Zulte-Waregem. (Iain Macleod, UK).
Kilde: Football365.com
quote:
Originally posted by Asbjørn
quote:
Originally posted by kjelvi
oooooooops
dette er snakk om den mer omtalte Rune 'Ut mot havet' Rudberg...
Her inne, Kjell Bjørn, er Rune R langt mer kjent i skikkelsen til den utflytta nordmøringen Reitan enn denne lett avkledte syngemannen...
Dette tilhører jo egentlig Luscos' elementære ABC...
Takk, Asbjørn, nå slipper jeg kanskje å bytte nick...... Grøss....
`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>
Fra serien 'Sportskommentarer vi sent vil glemme':
"Når det gjelder Rolf Hovden, kommenterte han sin siste kamp for NRK i Norwich i januar 1985. (Norwich-Soton) Etter å ha våknet fyllesyk lørdag morgen, tok han for sikkerhets skyld noen beroligende tabeletter. For deretter å fylle på med øl og whisky like før matchen. En del av tribunen på Carrow Road i Norwich hadde tilfeldigvis vært utsatt for en brann noen dager før. Dette holdt Hovden på med å fortelle om det første kvarteret av kampen. Helt til en Norwichspiller skjøt i tverrliggeren. Det var da Hovden sa: "Og der datt målet ned." Hvilket det ikke gjorde, og Hovden ble tatt av luften. NRK-løgnen: â€Vi har mistet forbindelsen med Englandâ€. Øyvind Johnsen måtte da kommentere resten av matchen fra studio. Og han begynte selvfølgelig å messe om den samme brannen. Også han i ca. 15 minutter. Forskjellen var bare at Johnsen var edru. De som slo over på svensk TV, fikk høre en rasende nordmann i bakgrunnen. Vedkommende skjelte og bannet og ba om å få kontakt med NRK igjen. Og han var ikke edru."
- Sverige tar ut en neger og setter innpå en sigøyner.
Bulgarsk TV da Henke Larsson kom innpå for Martin Dahlin under bronsefinalen i fotball-VM 1994
Med snøvlete stemme: "det er de blå som har ballen"
(En noe bedugget Rolf Hovden ved en annen anledning...)
"Meningsløs pasning... som går til Belanov...som scorer!!"
(Øyvind Johnssen)
"Det skuddet går himmelhøyt over... og i mål!!"
(Øyvind Johnssen)
"To null ved samme mann!"
(Øyvind Johnssen ser reprisen av 1-0)
Vet iallfall at han (Rolv Hovden) var i Molde på kamp,så traff han en gjeng og ramlet utpå.
Tilslutt fikk de han inn i ei taxi,og med fly til Fornebu.Husker at Øivind Johnssen
satt å venta på tapen fra Molde,men venta forgjeves.Vi fikk ikke bilder fra Molde-
kampen før i Sportsrunden dagen etter.
Sølve Grotmol ble sur da han ikke fikk et intervju med Sven Tore Jacobsen
og kalte han "Din Arrogante Jævel!!†Med åpen mikrofon selvfølgelig
Flere morsomme: Dalby var jo alltid en garantist for blødmer og pinligheter, men dette må være den beste: "Her kommer LITT av en idrettsutøver!!!" (sagt under Paralympics 94).
Eller Herwig Carlsens, under skiskying: "Her kommer Uschi Disl, hun har vært grensevakt, så hun er vant til å skyte på flyktninger!"
Big Ron Atkinsons "f**king cheating nigger!"-kommentarer om Desailly når han trodde mikrofonen var av er også en pen en....
Haha, hur går det an att säga något sådant? :-D
I Sverige får vi nöja oss med Hegerforsare i stil med "Det ser mörkt ut på Kameruns avbytarbänk", när de låg under mot Sverige i VM 1994 (tror jag väl det var)
Grotmol, Nagano-OL, kunstløp for damer:
Michelle Kwan er ute på isen, da kameraet rettes mot det japanske keiserparet. Grotmol: "Og her sitter mor og far"
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> >
> > "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> > like this."
> >
> >
> > JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
> >
> > "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
> >
Hehe, beste/verste må være turnkommentator Pål Flaten (god del år siden) som under NRKs direktesending av turn-NM presterte å si (når 14 år gamle Unni Holmen gikk i spagat) at "Pølseboden er åpen!"....
Riktig sitat er:"Unni Holmen går ned i spagaten så hele pølseboden åpner seg. Den som som hadde vært en bom nå, dere!" Han het forresten Pål Claesen, og han fikk sparken av NRK samme dag.
-â€Nå er det faen meg 12 negre på banen!!†Rolv Hovden, når Norge spiller mot et afrikansk lag på slutten av 70-tallet.
Paal Fredheim tabbet seg kraftig ut i pausen under en engelsk Canal+ kamp : I pauseunderholdningen på banen var det masse veldreide aerobic/fitnessjenter på banen og han sier: "Ja... her var det mye F***e folk!!" Dag Solheim og studiogjesten begynner å humre og Fredheim prøver å rette opp: "Altså! F***e! F***e! F***e folk!!" Alt ble bare verre....
Rodal kom på tredjeplass under en 800 meter, og sa etter løpet: "Det kom en svarting til på slutten."
Syns Gleditch var glimrende før han gikk til TV3, og denne er veldig fin: "Om det ikke var kattens lek med musen, var det ihvertfall kattens lek med en katt som var mye mindre."
En til av Pål Cleasen: "C-moment i turn er like vanskelig som å ha samleie i ei folkevogn!"
Og Frank Strandi, tidenes Leedsflopp: Jeg smakte et godt øl i England. Jeg tror det het "pint"".
"Han står som kuken!" -Rolv Hovden igjen.(før Grotmol tok over turn på NRK...)
"Legg merke til hans spurt" Lars Lystad om Fernando Ramirez på en 100-meter.
Lars Jacob Krogh: “Bård Jøden Elgen†(Om Bård Jørgen Elden)
Ellers kom jeg på en Øivind Johnssen-historie. Husker en kamp mellom Birmingham og
Liverpool. Johnssen fortalte ei historie om krigen og no' greier, spillet gikk sin gang
mens Øivind messa om sitt. Plutselig våkner han fra dvalen: â€Det er straffespark altså!!â€
Rolv Hovden igjen. Under Ipswich-Manchester United greide han ikke å si Ipswich. Snøvlet i et sett: Micchhhh......Miiiiilllllsssss.
Var en ishockeykommentator som også ble smått legende etter denne: Kommenterte på radio for Spektrum Flyers da de hadde lag i eliten. Han var kanondritings, og midt i 2.periode ble det helt stille, og plutselig....â€Kjerringa har gått fra meg, vet ikke hva jeg skal gjøre jeg...â€
Husker jeg satt rimelig paff i godtolen den dagen der. Husker bare ikke navnet på den karen der.
Alkohol i kommentatorbua er nå en ting, men jeg glemmer aldri vår kjære Scheies blemme da lystavlene for å markere tilleggstid ble introdusert, tror det var rundt VM 1998. Godeste Arne blir sjokkert da han tror at det skal helt umotivert foretas et keeperbytte etter ca 44 miniutter. "HVA? SKAL KEEPER'N UT?" skriker han til sin sidekommentator. Nice one, Arnie!
Arne Scheie, hysterisk etter Rekdal (Hertha Berlin) har scoret på straffen mot Brasil: â€Kjetil Rekseth! Fra Werder Bremen! Ã...åååååååhhhh!â€
Olav Traaen hadde en lignende blemme i en damekamp. Fjerdedommeren holder opp lystavla sånn rundt omkring 88-89. minutt, og godeste Traaen skrike høyt:
'DOMMEREN HAR LAGT TIL FJORTEN MINUTTER !!!'...hvorpå det kommer tørt fra stakkars Karl-Petter Løken:'Jeg tror de har tenkt å bytte ut spiller nummer 14...'
Han (Hovden) sto vel flere ganger frem i Se & Hør og fortalte om sitt nye tørrlagte liv, for så å havne på fylla for kronene han fikk for det.
Og nå til andre episode av fotballkampen!
En av Dagsrevy-damene på NRK.
Med en kvart milliard på bok, ville vel noen og enhver få â€hole-in-oneâ€!!.
Davy Wathne om Tiger Woods og den svenske kjæresten etter Woods hadde vunnet nok en golfturnering.
Spring, din svarte faen!
Conny Carlson, FK Haugesund-trener, til Bala Garba under kampens hete.
Hvordan står det til med beinet?
NRK-reporterens spørsmål til tidligere Vålerenga- og landslagspiss Pål
Jacobsen dagen etter at han amputerte beinet...
"Hvis Tromsø rykker ned idag, tenk hvilken oppvekst det blir for dattera til Ole Martin Ã...rst. Hun kommer til å gå rundt i Tromsø og blir kalt nedrykk-Ine" (Ivar Hoff. Siste avgjørende kamp, for tromsø sesongen 2003)
Sølve Grotmols var helt fantastisk når han, komplett likegyldig, uten å heve stemmen en eneste gang, kommenterte den klassiske 7-4 kampen mellom Oxford og Luton i 1988. I samme kamp klarte han å forveksle Luton-spilleren Mick Harford og Oxfords Dean Saunders i en halv-time. Når Harford scoret var det i følge Grotmol Saunders som gjorde det, og motsatt.
Terje Dalby bestemmer at kl 16.01 er et flott tidspunkt å spille den utrolig tåpelige og masete OL-floke-videoen, i stedet for å sette over til Southampton-Sheffield Wednesday i 1994.
I 1985, når Nrk sendte tysk fotball var Terje Dalby ofte reservekommentator for Scheie. Dette betød mange blødmer. I kampen Bayern Munchen-Nurnberg spilte Bayern i sine vanlige røde drakter og Nurnberg i hvitt. Dalby trodde frem til ca 20min at det var Bayern som spilte i hvitt. Når han endelig (etter et mål) oppdager fadesen, kom han med denne idiotiske løgnen for å redde seg: â€Oppi all viraken har det versert rykter om at Bayern Munchen skulle spille i hvite drakter!â€
Start-trener Karsten Johannessen ville ha en utenlands dommers oppmerksomhet og ropte:
â€Judge! Judge!†Så fant han ut at dette ikke var riktig betegnelse på en fotballdommer, og derfor endret til: â€Reference! Reference!â€.......
Under lagtempo i sykkel i fjor diskuterte Thor Eggen og sidekommentatoren hva som kunne skje av uhell under lagtempo. Sidekommentatoren forteller en historie fra ett par år tilbake der han som lå først kjørte på en katt som kom ut av skogen. De ble til slutt enige om at hva som helst kunne komme ut av skogen. Det var da Eggen kom med kongekommentaren: "Når du er ute og sykler og det kommer en ubåt ut av skogen, da sykler du hjem, låser deg inn, og kaster nøkkelen".
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Who the f*** is Nelly? Who is he? Like I give a f*** it's his party" - a tired and emotional Paul Gascoigne asks the important questions as he is carried out of cute Canadian popster Nelly Furtado's aftershow party at London's trendy Mo*vida nightspot.
Bør sjekkes ut: http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html
oh my god
BBC: Quotes of the Week
Dennis Wise, he's 4ft 3, he's got the teamsheet, and so have we!"
Cardiff fans before kick off against Leeds.
"It doesn't matter what happened in the game - we got the three points."
Wayne Bridge gets confused after winning the Carling Cup final with Chelsea.
"Would I do it again? I will have to have a look at it because I don't want to pay him extra to be a stadium announcer!"
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd on allowing injured Marlon King to give a pep talk to fans over the tannoy before the Wigan game.
"Many great managers have never won the Champions League - a big example is not far from us."
Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho reminds Arsene Wenger there's only room for one Special One in London.
"I was sat in the Arsenal dugout and didn't see it!"
Wigan boss Paul Jewell puts on his Wenger specs when asked to comment on the dodgy penalty won for Newcastle by Antoine Sibierski.
"I dislike him and I think he dislikes me!''
Stephen Maguire doesn't mince his words after beating Shaun Murphy at snooker's Welsh Open.
"People are only comfortable with gay people in certain roles. If they're doing your hair or taking your cup before landing at Luton, it's acceptable."
Former NBA Star John Amaechi, who recently revealed that he was gay, claims homophobia is rife among sports fans.
"With normal mathematics, minus 80 is minus 80. It's not on the surface, it is 80 miles below water - and to survive so deep is normally very difficult."
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger gives his opinion on Chelsea's £80m losses.
"I don't like kicking the ball a lot."
Jonny Wilkinson reveals some shocking news - although to be fair he never looks like he's enjoying it.
"Although I am not a vain person I believe I am the best."
Mr Modest Ronaldinho leaves Steven Gerrard in no doubt as to who is the king of football.
"It sounds mad but it's a quiet group and it has probably been the best week we've had together laugh-wise."
'Nutter with a putter' Craig Bellamy on the 'bonding session' that helped Liverpool to a 2-1 win at the Nou Camp.
"I've had occasions when I've opened the papers in trepidation and nothing has been in them and I'm amazed."
Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock on the perils of letting players go on a night out.
"If I score against Porto I don't know whether I will celebrate or cry."
Chelsea's Portuguese star Ricardo Carvalho ahead of the Champions League clash. He needn't have worried.
"If you're a crash bang wallop merchant you might not see the good things in Thierry Henry."
Stuart 'Psycho' Pearce shows his softer side.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Raphael Ibanez won't know if he's in Paris or Porthcawl after that."
BBC commentator Nick Mullins after an Alix Popham tackle - France v Wales Six Nations. (Noel, Newport).
"As you know, China is a communist state and you have to conform. Owen is a non-conformist. I gave him a copy of Das Kapital and he thought it was a guide to the capital cities of the world."
Dunfermline manager Stephen Kenny after Owen Morrison's move to China fell through. (Brendan Croft, Scotland).
"He looked like he was wearing your coat over the last 10 yards!"
Mark Lawrenson to John Motson following Stephen Hunt's lung-busting 80-yard run into the Man Utd half during Reading's FA Cup tie. (Leo Duke, Edinburgh).
"Opera performer Martin Toal will be signing on the Valley pitch from 2.40pm on Saturday."
This extract from the Charlton website shows they are getting a bit desperate in the relegation battle. (Tim Kitching, UK).
"The problem with Arsenal is they are conceding far too easily at Highbury."
Graham Taylor appears to be a year behind times. (Jules Wallis, England).
"As you can see, global warming hasn't quite reached Newcastle."
Channel 5 commentator during a chilly Uefa Cup night at St James's Park (Tim Kitching, UK).
"A bit of pushing and shoving between Deco and Mohamed Sissoko. It is like a terrier picking a fight with an alsatian, but in this instance the terrier comes out on top as the alsatian is booked. Obviously dogs don't get yellow cards in the park. Just go with the flow on that one."
Charlie Henderson commentating on Champions League for BBC website. (Adam Oakley, Scotland).
"Alonso and Sissoko have been picked to literally sit in front of the back four."
Jamie Redknapp on the Liverpool midfielders taking it easy for the Champions League game against Barcelona. (James, UK).
"On the line is over."
Brian Moore commentating on England v Ireland at Croke Park. (Mel Murphy, England).
"That's cannoned off ball."
Commentator on Man City v Preston. (Daniel Sutcliffe, Colne).
"Of course, sometimes you just get caught up in the euphoriarism of the match."
Alan McNally invents a new word while commenting on Fabio Capello's apparent enthusiasm for Real Madrid. (Mark A, England).
"I can't count the number of times I've seen him being literally invisible tonight."
Archie Macpherson describing Celtic player Shunsuke Nakamura against AC Milan. (Andrew Rennie, Scotland).
"They've got a draw here, you can't get better than that."
Alan Hansen on Reading's draw with Man Utd. (Chris, UK).
"Maybe the best way to beat Arsenal is to try to beat them."
Complex tactical advice for teams playing Arsenal from Spoony on 606 after Wigan's late loss to the Gunners. (Aidan, Scotland).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Are you Britney in disguise?"
Charlton fans to bald ex-Charlton player Paul Konchesky during Charlton's 4-0 win over West Ham. (Tommy Blanche, England).
"Are you watching Tottenham?"
Chant from PSV fans in the 90th minute against Arsenal. (Neil Blinston, USA).
"The referee's a w*****!"
Exeter fans after a bad first-half performance by the referee.
"The referee's a legend!"
Exeter fans after the ref awarded them two penalties in the second half. (Ben Samuel, UK).
"We've got our Willy back."
Arsenal fans at the home game against Blackburn, re Gallas's first appearance for a while. (Adam Davies, UK).
"Dennis Wise, he's 4ft 3, he's got the teamsheet, and so have we!"
Cardiff fans before kick off against Leeds. (Ben, Cardiff).
"Let's talk about Cesc baby, lets talk about Flam-in-i, let's talk about Theo Walcott, Freddie Ljungberg and Henry, let's talk about Cesc."
Arsenal fans, To the tune of Salt and Pepa's "Let' Talk About Sex." (Nathan Upton, England).
"Who needs Mourinho? We've got Justinio."
Hull KR fans salute super Justin Morgan after winning for the second time in Super League. (Andie Riley, Leeds).
"We support our local team."
Reading fans to Man Utd at Old Trafford. (Neil W, UK).
"They tried to make us to go to replay, we said no, no, no! Yes we've played crap, but when we come back you'll know, know, know!"
Manchester United fans after Reading equalised in the FA Cup tie (to the tune of Amy Winehouse's Rehab). (Mona Moussa, UK).
"You're Not Fit To Referee!"
Preston Fans to Phil Dowd after he was forced off injured while refereeing PNE v Norwich. (Ben, UK).
"You're just a small town in Scotland!"
Bristol City fans away at Middlesbrough. (Ken Atkinson, England).
"He's got no hair, but we don't care, Martin, Martin, Jol!"
Spurs fans during the FA Cup clash with Fulham. (André Torgersen, Norway).
Kilde: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/6396803.stm
Tror kanskje denne har blitt postet på forumet før, men jeg legger den ut en gang til.
For en stil! [:D]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivVYMwnfqMo&NR
-WE'LL BE BACK-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkYfYa8ePI
Forever Leeds
quote:
Originally posted by Larseirik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkYfYa8ePI
Genial og morsom - og ikke så lite skremmende!
quote:
Originally posted by Larseirik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkYfYa8ePI
Forever Leeds
Man begynner å lure på hva de egentlig lærer på skolen der borte...
-WE'LL BE BACK-
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42645000/jpg/_42645539_paisley_split203.jpg)
MPs back Paisley knighthood drive
MPs are joining the growing campaign to grant a posthumous knighthood for former Liverpool manager Bob Paisley.
Labour MP George Howarth has tabled a Commons motion for Paisley to receive the award 11 years after his death.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/l/liverpool/6422323.stm
DA ER VEL TIDEN INNE FOR Ã... GI DON REVIE DEN ANERKJENNELSEN HAN FORTJENER!!
Jeg mener at Don Revie er grovt undervurdert i England. Tror nok det er hans sorti som England-sjef som kaster laaange skygger over hans ettermele.
I BBC kåring (det var vel tidlig høst) er han en gang ikke inne på Topp 10:
1. Paisley: 28%
2. Clough: 27%
3. Stein: 18%
4. Fergie: 15%
5. Shankly: 6%
6. Nicholson: 4%
7. Busby: 1%
8. Chapman: 1%
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/football_focus/6094334.stm
Registerer at to/tre ex-managere er inne - Clough og Stein, som begge var så kort tid på Elland Road at de nesten ikke rakk å henge fra seg frakken. Herbert Chapman var i sin tid manager for Leeds City, men er mest kjent for sin tid i Arsenal.
(http://www.geocities.com/andrew4leeds/Don_Revie.jpg)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Revie
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42645000/jpg/_42645743_boothroydopera203.jpg)
No, not yet!
"The fat lady hasn't started singing yet, although she might be clearing her throat."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd prepares for the worst.
"I feel Adebayor didn't punch anybody so when the linesman says he punched somebody, he lies."
Arsene Wenger still seething about the Carling Cup final, four days later.
"He was slurring his words, but not because he'd had one too many."
Onlooker who witnessed a concussed John Terry celebrating Chelsea's Carling Cup win.
"I thought a bit of poetry might be interesting - I even write a few lines myself. I composed a short poem for my mum's 70th birthday recently. When I recited it I saw the glint of a tear in her eye...although I guess it wasn't the quality of the poetry was that making her cry!"
Coventry manager Iain Dowie after revealing that he used a poem called 'Fight One More Round' to inspire his team to victory against Hull.
"The 90th minute at Anfield, in front of the Kop...Gary Neville told me that is his dream and I've just gone and done it!"
John O'Shea on his dramatic late winner for Man Utd at Liverpool.
"Dwight's even more laid back than me - he's horizontal!"
Sunderland striker Stern John on fellow Trinidad & Tobago star Dwight Yorke after the pair scored the goals that sank West Brom.
"I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey."
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway on the mystery virus that kept him out of action last week.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42643000/jpg/_42643751_gollum203.jpg)
Holloway has been feeling a little off colour
"He was so rough he looked like Gollum. We thought the Lord of the Rings had become our new manager. But at least he lost a bit of weight he needed to lose - so every cloud has a silver lining!"
Plymouth's Kevin Gallen has little sympathy for his boss.
"It was a strange game. I have two kids at home, a five-year-old and a six-year-old, and I want to see them grow up. If they carry on doing that, I probably won't."
Bradford coach Steve McNamara after the Bulls beat Wigan 32-28 in a ding-dong match that saw his stress levels go through the ceiling.
"I think about it when I'm lying in bed trying to get to sleep. I have these thoughts running around my head...running in to bowl the first ball of the World Cup against Australia and then all of a sudden I've got Matthew Hayden out caught behind, and Ricky Ponting has come in and I've got him caught behind as well, and Brad Hodge has walked to the crease and I've got him lbw, and all of a sudden they're three wickets down in the first over."
Scotland bowler Paul Hoffman dreams of World Cup glory against Australia.
"Audley has been a pro for seven years, it took him six before he had a meaningful fight and it was a crap one."
Frank Warren's assessment of Audley Harrison. Just say what you think, Frank.
"I have told Nancy not to eat any spicy food and not to walk around but to sit, cross her legs and watch TV."
Jason Gardener instructs his wife not to go into labour before he attempts to win his fourth successive European indoor 60m gold. She obliged - and so did he.
"My sisters both played for Ireland at the women's World Cup but I couldn't believe it when I read an interview with them on the BBC Sport website telling me they are going to give me handy hints about the World Cup!"
Ed Joyce is not sure how to take his sisterly advice.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42645000/jpg/_42645771_warnock203.jpg)
Neil Warnock, at your service
"Steve Bennett knows the rules but not the game. Until referees get a Neil Warnock educating them at their weekly get-togethers, these things will keep happening."
Neil Warnock offers his services after Steve Bennett applied the letter of the law to award Liverpool their first penalty in Sheffield United's 4-0 defeat at Anfield.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"There is still a long way to go. People talked about this one being a six-pointer, but we have only got three more points."
Norwich manager Peter Grant failing to come to terms with the "six pointer" adage. Did he actually think he would get six points for the win? (Colin B, Scotland).
"Probably five minutes before the end, Jose would have been ordering me a crate of wine, Now he will be letting my tyres down!"
Fulham boss Chris Coleman after his side came very close to doing Chelsea a favour against Man Utd. (Ray Rajani, London).
"It's always difficult against teams who are fighting for relegation."
Leicester rugby union player Lewis Moody gets confused as to the objectives of the teams in the lower half of the league! (Phil, England).
"I was disappointed we didn't score three or four given the number of chances we created."
Sheffield Wednesday manager Brian Laws after the Owls beat Southend 3-2. Er, you did score three, Brian! (Brian McDonagh, Ireland).
"And there's little Iniesta, hugging the post like it's his girlfriend."
Some Geordie bloke commentating in the Sevilla v Barca game. (Fershad, Australia).
"It's a 12k race, and to give you an idea of how far that is, it's 12000 metres."
On Sky at the weekend during the cross country championships. (Al Newell, UK).
"The one worry I had about him was his defending."
Jan Molby's reassuring comments on Liverpool defender Daniel Agger. (Martyn Roberts, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42645000/jpg/_42645843_giggsphonebox203.jpg)
If you're looking for a genius, call Giggsy
"Ryan could play football in a phone box and find the door no matter how many players you put in there with him."
Man Utd assistant Carlos Queiroz's tribute to Ryan Giggs on the BBC website. (Ray Rajani, London).
"Drogba literally destroyed Senderos today."
Jamie Redknapp after the Carling Cup final. I know football's a tough game... (Kareem Tayara, England).
"Kelly Sotherton will have the home crowd literally running the whole 800m with her."
Colin Jackson on the UK's pentathlon hopeful at the European Indoor Athletics Championships at Birmingham. (Nic, UK).
"We played well and we go away with a point."
Milan Baros's recent interview after Lyon's draw in the Champions League first leg. Still stuck in the group stages eh? (Is he Wayne Bridge in disguise? Ed) (Dan Shewell, England).
"We're now into the second minute of torture at the end of the first half."
Five Live Commentator Alan Green showing what he really thinks of the Blackburn-Arsenal FA Cup Replay. (Billy Long, England).
"It made me think of taking on somebody else's wife. When someone's been married a few times, do you want to take them on?"
Swansea City Chairman Huw Jenkins reveals he was never particularly keen on appointing a manager who had been sacked by another club. (Daniel Jones, Swansea).
"No they don't merit being in the lead but they deserve it."
John Robertson on Inverness leading Celtic at half time in the Scottish Cup. (Steven McLean, Scotland).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You're even worse than Graham Poll."
Reading fans to Graham Poll during Man Utd v Reading. (Nathan, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42643000/jpg/_42643547_cillaronaldinho203.jpg)
Liverpool's win was a surprise, surprise
"Cilla wants her teeth back, Cilla wants her teeth back, La la la la, La la la la".
Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match. (Bhrurdio Patel, UK).
"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say Keogh. Keogh!"
The Wolves fans after Andy Keogh scored his first goal for the club against Luton. (Karl, Salford).
"You'll never cheat for England!"
Watford fans to Everton's Andy Johnson after an alleged dive in the box. (Simon Harriyott, England).
"Oh we never win at home and we never win away, We lost last week and we lost today, We dont give a **** 'cos we're gonna win the cup, We're the MCFC OK!"
Man City fans after Wigan defeat. (Fe, England).
"There's only one Vicky Pollard!"
To a female ball girl at Bristol City v Bristol Rovers as she walked in front of the stand with her pink Rovers away shirt hanging out. (Matt, England).
"We're going down with a trophy."
Dunfermline fans during their Scottish Cup quarter-final win over Partick, while staring relegation in the face. (Mark Hill, UK).
"We love you Chelsea we do, oh Chelsea we love you!"
Spurs fans, after Carling Cup Final result flashed on the big screen after their match with Bolton. (Roger, UK).
"Rafa's got his Dirk out!"
Liverpool fans when Dirk Kuyt was warming up. (Gary, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42645000/jpg/_42645861_thekrankies203.jpg)
Wisey could do with a lift
"Theres only one Jimmy Krankie!"
Wolves fans to Leeds manager Dennis Wise. (Mike Gullick, England).
"Sign him up, sign him up, sign him up!"
Leeds fans after Sheffield Wednesday skipper Lee Bullen scored an own goal to bring it back to 3-1.
"Four nil to the Wednesday boys!"
Owls fans after the same goal. (Owain Hunt, England).
"There's only one train in Wales."
Arsenal and Chelsea fans waiting forever outside Cardiff train station after the Carling Cup final. (Daniel Robinson, UK).
"We've got Channel 4!" and "Have you ever seen ER?"
Hibs fans to Queen of the South fans - you can't get a Channel 4 signal in the Borders. (Brian Russell, Scotland).
"Rangers till I'm dry!"
Small section of QPR fans getting wet against Plymouth. (Paul, London).
PETITION OF THE WEEK
"Given the lack of effort and despicable attitude shown by the majority of the West Ham squad this season, we the undersigned request that Hammer of the Year for this season is abandoned."
West Ham fans want their Player of the Year awards scrapped.
Kilde: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6419339.stm
And Nick Leeson, the commercial director who has turned Galway United into the League of Ireland's only profitable club, hasn't completely shaken off all his old bad habits. "I trade with my own money when I get the time, I can't leave it alone entirely," said the man who brought down Barings bank. "I've made money but I can take a slap from time to time as well." (Guardian)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Leeson
http://www.nickleeson.com/
Traff Leeson på et utested i Galway august 2005.
Viste ikke hvem han var, men la merke til en kjedis i lokalet hvor alle flokket seg rundt han. Gikk bort for å hilse på og sjekke ut, noe som utviklet seg til en helaften sammen Leeson og hans gjeng og tre brisne gutter fra Norge.
Superskurk blir kjendis. Flytter til liten by - og flyter rått på det: damene flokker seg rundt han, gratis drikke på alle utesteder, et lite hoff av ja-folk som vil henge med han (inkl. tre nordmenn), og full av skryt/pissprat om når han lurte hele finansverden.
Var ikke klar over at han faktisk har lykkes med noe - å få Galway Utd til å bli bra butikk.
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42671000/jpg/_42671771_stuartpearce203.jpg)
The strain is beginning to tell
"I have seen the film The Alamo and right now I feel like I've got Davy Crockett behind me. Sometimes I feel like I could put my head in a bucket of water."
Man City boss Stuart Pearce feels the heat after his side are dumped out of the FA Cup by Blackburn.
"Taking me from behind is something that is not worthy behaviour of a man."
Inter Milan's Nicolas Burdisso after having his nose broken by David Navarro of Valencia in their Champions League match.
"I don't like Ben Foster because he's just ended my dream. I am sick whenever I lose. Just ask my mum what I was like even when I lost at tiddlywinks as a kid. We threw everything we could at them - the kitchen sink, the golf clubs, everything. We emptied the garage and threw it at them - at least my garage is tidy now."
Plymouth boss Ian Holloway after an inspired display by Watford goalkeeper Ben Foster ended their FA Cup ambitions.
"I have to say I think one of my old favourite cartoon characters Mr Magoo would have seen that."
Holloway on the controversial goal scored by Sheffield Wednesday following what looked like a blatant foul on the Plymouth goalkeeper.
"In the last couple of seasons we have had an open-top bus parade in the town. So if we survive maybe we can all jump in Freddy's cart - it would certainly be different."
Southend goalkeeper Darryl Flahavan dreams of avoiding relegation and joining striker Freddy Eastwood in his pony and trap.
"Managers should have the right to have an opinion - they just have to be right."
Sir Alex Ferguson who, of course, is always right.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42671000/jpg/_42671711_delboy203.jpg)
Are you Lee Peacock in disguise?
"As I got out of the car a dozen or so fans switched on a stereo and blasted out the Only Fools and Horses theme tune. I cracked up laughing and it set me up for the day, although I reckon the coat's more hippie-pimp than Del Boy Trotter!"
Swindon's Lee Peacock gets some stick for wearing a sheepskin coat.
"At 8-1 down I wanted him to finish me off because I wanted to get to the bar."
Barry Hawkins, beaten 9-1 by Ronnie O'Sullivan in the Irish Masters final.
"I don't feel integrated into English life at all. We cannot speak English, we don't know the culture and we are scared of appearing rude. My two children are in nursery and I didn't realise we should take a cake for the rest of the class on their birthday. In China, we don't do things like that."
Manchester City defender Sun Jihai reveals how he finds living in England difficult.
"I wish all ******s were like me. If this ****** had been in charge years ago, the club wouldn't have lost their training ground and all sorts of other bad things would not have happened."
QPR chairman Gianni Paladini reacts to fans chanting "Paladini is a ******" at the Ipswich game.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"It's only when Odubade opens his legs you can see how spectacular he really is."
Radio Oxford commentator commenting about Oxford United Striker Yemi Odubade! (Nick Bean, England).
"I wouldn't sell him for all the tea in China."
Queen of the South chairman in response to reports about the prospect of star striker Steven Dobbie moving to China. (Jonny Guild, Scotland).
"As soon as he gets it, you have to get straight up his backside."
Plymouth's Paul Connolly describes how he will cope with Watford's Tommy Smith. (Duncan, England).
"There are plenty of taxis waiting outside to take us but where they are going to take us we don't know."
Carlisle manager Neil McDonald on whether they will make the play-offs or not. (Scott Brown, Huddersfield).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42671000/jpg/_42671855_hairronaldo203.jpg)
It's just like watching Barca
"They're like a bad haircut - lots going forward, nothing at the back."
Robbie Earle describing the Barcelona team against Liverpool. (Colin Hewett, Croxley Green).
"The road to Athens is still very much alive."
MUTV's Steve Bower at the end of the Manchester United Lille cup tie. Sounds like the next round might be dangerous! (Libby Curran).
"I made a mistake. But we need to get things into perspective. We didn't invade Iraq. This is a furry ball going over a net."
ATP Tour chief, Etienne de Villiers, after James Blake was knocked out of the Las Vegas Open, reinstated by de Villiers and then told he was out again. (Dan Brown, England).
"Two words - Steve Gibson chairman."
Mark Lawrenson during the Boro-United Cup tie. (Steve, United Kingdom).
"I would not have gone out on loan to just any side, it had to be one which plays football."
Danny Guthrie on his loan move to Southampton from Liverpool. (Alex Bridger, England).
"If this carries on, players will soon be getting four months inside for celebrating a goal."
Martin O'Neill on seeing John Carew celebrating Villa's goal against Fulham and getting booked. (Jack Yates, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42671000/jpg/_42671915_coppell203.jpg)
Now where's that darned cab?
"I think he's calling a cab."
Mark Lawrenson when Steve Coppell was caught on camera on his mobile after Man United had gone three up after six minutes against Reading. (Mick G, Leeds).
"I'm certainly getting more people recognising me since winning the world title. Mind you, that might be because I'm driving around in a van with 'Wolfie' plastered across it!"
BDO darts champion Martin Adams. (Conrad Edkins, UK).
"I only went for the maximum because I thought I was going to win a car, but now I've found out I'm not going to win one, I'm gutted!"
Ronnie O'Sullivan after discovering they had changed the maximum break prize at the Irish Masters. (Adam Oakley, Scotland).
"That's the way to take a penalty - whack it as hard as you can. If you don't know where it's going, the keeper won't either!"
Eddie Lewis on Benni McCarthy after the game at Bolton. (Louwrens Botha, SA).
"Stevie Wonder could have seen the danger there."
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day talking about Nemanja Vidic's poor defending against Liverpool. (Andy DC, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Love, Lovell tear you apart, again."
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts. (Fraser C, Scotia).
"You're not Scottish anymore!"
Aberdeen fans chant to Hearts who were lacking in Scottish players during Aberdeen's 1-0 win. (Stuart Gray, Aberdeen).
"We agree with Mike Newell!"
Sung by Forest fans at Scunthorpe to lineswoman Amy Rayner, who made some questionable decisions. (Matt).
"Always look on the bright side of life."
PSV fans to Arsenal after knocking them out of the Champions League. (Peter, England).
"Nicholls, Nicholls whats the score?"
Leeds fans ask their former captain Kevin Nicholls what the score is as they defeat Luton 1-0 - just one week after he declared he would rather play for Luton than United, his current employers. (James Lincoln, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42671000/jpg/_42671955_vollerrijkaard203.jpg)
Friends for life
"There's only one Rudi Voller!"
Liverpool Fans to Barca manager Frank Rijkaard who spat at Voller in the 1990 World Cup. (Kenny D, UK).
"Who's the daddy?"
Punters shout to owner and former champion trainer Martin Pipe after Gaspara, the horse trained by his son, David, won the Imperial Cup at Sandown. (Frank, London).
"Going down with the Watford!"
Grays Athletic fans when they saw Anton Ferdinand watching the FA Trophy game against Stevanage. (Dean Graham, England).
"We're not boring any more!"
Plymouth fans to former manager Tony Pulis at the Stoke game. (Nick Soper).
"Lasagne, Whoaoa, Lasagne, Whoaoa. We laughed ouselves to bits, when Tottenham got the s***s!"
West Ham fans referring to Tottenham's alleged food poisoning before the corresponding fixture last season. (Joe S, London).
"You put ya Argentines in, Ya Argentines out,
The Iceman comes and kicks the gaffer out,
Ya selling Reo-Coker & ya going down
That's why we love to shout.......
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham.
Misfits, has-beens, ha ha ha!!"
Spurs fans give it back - with bells on. (Paul King, England).
Kilde: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6441141.stm
Sist ukes highlights fra BBC:
Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42703000/jpg/_42703743_freddieflin203.jpg)
It's not the first time Freddie's had a tipple
"It just goes to show that cricketers can be as stupid as footballers."
Former England manager Graham Taylor on Andrew Flintoff's drunken antics.
"I'm laughing, I think it's quite amusing. I think it's a total over-reaction. Some guys go to bed at 1030 tired and frustrated, other guys go and have a drink. The big mistake is getting caught."
Ian Botham leaps to the defence of Flintoff.
"No one really knows if they were really drunk. Freddie probably was, lurching about in a brightly coloured plastic float that goes at about 1mph full steam. I wonder if he had his dark glasses on? A pedalo of all things is made for drunken slapstick. I know it was very unprofessional of him and I can see why the fans are so peed off, but if you are going to eff up, you might as well do it in grand style."
'Old Regret' on the 606 messageboards.
"Can we all be grateful that Freddie didn't find a jetski."
Another 606 user has the final word on Freddie.
"I said to Paul when we walked off: 'It had to be you, of all people'."
England number two Ben Foster after England number one Paul Robinson scored a 95-yard goal against him in the Spurs-Watford match.
"I think I might have to mention it once or twice when the England squad gets together."
Robinson responds.
"Unfortunately I don't have a scoring bonus written into my contract!"
But its not all joy for the Tottenham keeper.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42703000/jpg/_42703831_fastshowgeezer270.jpg)
I'm a sort, I'm a geezer
At Chelsea, everyone's 'geezer'. "All right, geezer?", "Morning, geezer". Some of the foreign boys come in like Sheva, who can hardly speak a word of English, and within a couple of weeks, all he can say is "Alright, geezer"!
Chelsea's Frank Lampard tells this week's Nuts magazine about the geezer culture at Stamford Bridge.
"It won't happen again!"
Stuart Pearce on arriving late for Man City's press conference with Chelsea - fearing it might be his last.
"I may be able to put a good book tape on in the car on the way home and I will have a smile on my face."
Pearce celebrates City's 2-0 win at Middlesbrough in style. A few more win bonuses and he might even be able to afford a cd player for his car.
"It was very difficult to get in touch with the French national team after the World Cup. You know the French!"
Arsene Wenger on the difficulties of trying to chat with France about 'over-using' Thierry Henry. The Arsenal manager blames Les Bleus for ending Henry's season early.
"My brother and I are always playing F1 on the PlayStation and now I am going to be in one of those cars on the games!"
Lewis Hamilton gets the best possible training for his Formula 1 debut on Sunday. And it clearly paid off.
"If we are going to go Americanised we are going to have all these girls waving things every time there is a goal. You ask them to run up and down in Sheffield with very little clothing on - it would be hard work for them."
Blades boss Neil Warnock is not a fan of ideas to 'jazz up' football.
"They call me Ninja Turtle because I have a really muscular back - and they reckon it looks like a shell!"
QPR striker Marc Nygaard after his spectacular goal against Leicester.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42703000/jpg/_42703927_ninjaturtle203.jpg)
Are you Nygaard in disguise?
"I wouldn't want the timekeeper to boil me an egg!"
Wigan coach Brian Noble after learning there were four minutes of injury time in the Super League clash with Harlequins.
"I would walk back from the United States to play for England again."
Former England captain David Beckham on his passion to play for his country again.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"We knew it would be tough and at 2-0 down I might have given my right arm to get a draw, I'm glad I didn't as I wouldn't have been able to clap the fans at the end."
Shrewsbury Town manager Gary Paters reflecting on the draw at Macclesfield. (Rich Dormer, London).
"I don't walk past him (John Wardle) every day and ask him if I've got his full support. The other night he bought me a sandwich at the reserve game and that's a real show of affection from our chairman."
Stuart Pearce remains upbeat about the pressure regarding his job. (Paul Gorrie, Spain).
"Rodriguez is on his backside again, trying to get it away from Keane."
David Pleat commentating on the Tottenham v Braga match. (Ben Ling, Norwich).
"They were more than on time. They were so early they brought the milk in!"
Sunderland manager Roy Keane on being asked whether Anthony Stokes, Tobias Hysen and Marton Fulop had arrived promptly for training the day after being left out of the team for being late. (Ken Daglish, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42703000/jpg/_42703981_paulscholes203.jpg)
Woof woof!
"That was an Andrex shot, soft, strong and very, very long."
The ever-entertaining words of Ben Dirs on the West Indies v Pakistan TMS updates. (Ian Mc, Cumbria).
"He's like a terrier, Scholes, he won't let go - even the postman would be afraid of him."
Ageless Irish commentator Jimmy Magee during RTE's coverage of the Man U vs Europe XI game. (John, Ireland).
"On paper you'd say we are a decent side. unfortunately, we don't play on paper, we play on grass."
Scotland cricket Dougie Brown on how his side could cause an upset in the CWC. (Hal Roberts, New Zealand).
"He could open a baked beans tin with that left foot."
Ray Wilkins on Guti after he had set up Real Madrid's third goal in the 3-3 draw with Barcelona. (Tom Hilton, England).
"I can swear that it didn't happen. It's the same if you told my wife I'm gay. You'd have a big laugh."
Tottenham Boss Martin Jol on reports that the board ordered him to play star striker Dimitar Berbatov. (Gary W, S.Yorkshire).
"He'll walk into the England training camp feeling six feet tall."
Jamie Redknapp believes Andy Johnson will feel a whole five inches taller after that goal against Arsenal. (Graeme Claridge, England).
"Everyone seems to be jumping around like p****d-up students to House of Pain's "Jump Around' as they leap for dropping balls in the swirling wind. Nobody makes contact with the ball."
Charlie Henderson from your very own live text for the Arsenal Everton game. (Kane, UK).
"That's a delicate sweet shop."
Radio Five Live commentator gets his words in a twist, having meant to describe Ed Joyce's delicate "sweep shot". (Nikki Strode, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42704000/jpg/_42704043_stubbsy203.jpg)
Stubbsy - top bloke, terrible singer
"That's a song even Ray Stubbs couldn't ruin!"
Gary Lineker on Charlton's new midfielder, Alex Song. (Jer, England).
Jonathan Pearce: "There's Abel Xavier sitting in the background behind Gareth Southgate."
Mark Lawrenson: "I thought it was King Neptune."
During the Middlesbrough-Man Utd FA Cup tie last Saturday. (Aaron Pan, London).
"I hear the AZ Alkmaar keeper is a possible Dutch cap, but I thought they were meant to stop things!"
Joe Royle commentating on Newcastle's four-goal first half display in the Uefa Cup first leg. (David Jaggs, UK).
"He has taken to first team football like a duck to water."
Commentator talking about Plymouth's 17-year-old Dan Gosling. (Helen Burnett, England).
"Gerkin has got himself in a pickle."
Coventry and Warwickshire reporter Adam Dent talking about Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerkin. (Lee Bunting, England).
"Saints did not just shoot themselves in the foot, they reloaded and fired again."
The title on the Southampton official website after they lost 2-1 to Colchester. (Sam, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK:
"Stick your pasties up your a***"
Watford fans to Plymouth. (Kristian Melson, England).
"You dirty northern b******s!"
Plymouth fans whenever a Watford player committed a foul. (Beverley Diamond, England).
"One ball! You've only got one ball!"
Chant from Morton supporters after they refused to give back four of the five balls being used by the Stirling subs at half-time. (John Montgomery, Scotland).
"You'll support Man U next year!"
Spurs fans singing to their 'fickle' Chelsea counterparts. (Joe Duane, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42704000/jpg/_42704069_deliasmith203.jpg)
Jamie who?
"There's only one Jamie Oliver!"
Cardiff fans to Delia Smith's Norwich. (Haydn, South Wales).
"Kenny Deuchar, Whoaoah, Kenny Deucahr, Whoaoah. He signed from Gretna Green, He is a goal machine."
New chant at Northampton Town. (Stewart Dee, UK).
"It's free, and you're stood outside!"
Torquay fans to a bunch of Accrington Stanley fans who were stood outside the ground watching the match when it was free entry. (Ben Brace, England).
"Are you Wombles in disguise?"
Peterborough fans as Posh beat MK Dons (formerly known as Wimbledon) 4-0. (Paul, UK).
"Back to school on Monday, back to school on Monday, na na na na."
Wigan fans' retort to a bunch of young Fulham fans singing at them. (John, Wigan).
"Stick your bow and arrow up your a***!"
Gillingham fans tell Forest what they think about their famous archer. (Steven Bryant, England).
Barnet-Stockport banter as the Bees ended Stockport's unbeaten run:
Barnet: "You can stick your record up your a***!"
Stockport: "We've got more fans than you."
Barnet: "We've got more goals than you."
Stockport: "We've got more points than you."
Barnet: "3-1, even Hatchy scored." (John, Barnet).
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/6467799.stm
100 artige fakta:
http://www.vgb.no/2420/perma/44316/
-WE'LL BE BACK-
Kicking up a stink: The Top 10 goalmouth blunders
As Paul Robinson and Ben Foster fight it out to be England's No 1, we remember the greatest goalkeeping gaffes
England's last European Championship qualifier against Croatia ended in defeat and with Paul Robinson wishing the earth would swallow him up after taking a swing at a Gary Neville back-pass only for the ball to hit a divot, bobble over his foot and plant itself firmly in the back of the net.
The Tottenham Hotspur goalkeeper redeemed his reputation somewhat last weekend, when he scored for his club against Watford with a free-kick travelling 110 yards, according to the groundsman. Unfortunately for Steve McClaren, the goalkeeper left with egg on his face this time was Ben Foster, the England coach's current second-choice.
Before the pair prepare for action in Israel, here is a gentle reminder of what not to do...
1. Massimo Taibi Manchester United v Southampton 1999 - Matt Le Tissier's tame shot crawls towards Taibi from 25 yards and squirms under his body.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HrrfGaRGmA0
2. Ben Foster Tottenham v Watford 2007 - Paul Robinson's clearance from beside his own penalty area sails through the air and bounces once over Foster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukWoK_Isvko&mode=related&search=
3. Peter Enckleman Birmingham City v Aston Villa 2002 â€" Received a throw in to kick out, but swung wildly at the ball which rolled gently into the net behind him.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lNcXLRsOUQQ
4. Kelvin Davis Southampton v QPR 2006 - In trying not to concede a corner, the Southampton goalkeeper gives away something slightly worse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRamdXFsQw
5. Fabian Barthez Manchester United v Deportivo 2001 - The Frenchman rushes out of the box to attempt a sliding tackle but misses the ball to offer Diego Tristan an open goal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRamdXFsQw
6. Jerzy Dudek Liverpool v Manchester United 2002 - Jamie Carragher heads back to the Liverpool goalkeeper who lets the ball slip through his grasp allowing Diego Forlan to score.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Su_nkU5JV9Q
7. Shay Given Coventry v Newcastle 1997 â€" The Newcastle keeper puts the ball on the ground to kick out, not noticing Dion Dublin behind him who steals the ball and rolls it into the empty net.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcDuUcB_78U
8. Rene Higuita Colombia v Cameroon 1990 - "El Loco" decides to dribble in midfield, but is robbed by Roger Milla who comfortably scores and knocks Colombia out of the World Cup.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dyTeekS9pLc
9. Paul Robinson Croatia v England 2006 - Gary Neville is credited with the own goal but the blame lies squarely with the England goalkeeper.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vROdBK8Ws0A
10. The worst of the rest: And finally a collection of mishaps that remind us of the schoolboy rule: don't take your eye off the ball.
http://www.funnyvideos.be/videos/Funny_Sports_Clips/GoalKeeper_Blunders
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/global/article1543645.ece
Ingen av disse kommer opp mot denne perlen fra vår egen Bjarte Flem!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW8OJ4DKXEQ
Trenge vel for fakerten ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! [:D]
Utruleg mykje bra her! Hugsar spesielt godt Dixon sin vipp over Seaman frå den tida Nrk sendte tippekampar, då tilbakespel var tillatt.
And former Millwall, Wimbledon and Shrewsbury forward Steve Anthrobus, 37, has been fined £500 for having $ex in a public place: a field in Brownhills, Staffordshire. He admitted outraging public decency along with Debbie Matthews, 40, who was fined £250. Anthrobus admitted the charge after making what his solicitor Stephen Thomas described as "a difficult call to his wife" before the hearing. Anthrobus came second in a BBC Football Focus poll of the Shrews' cult heroes in 2004. After this escapade, he'll win it next time.
Guardian
John Hartson is expecting a visit from the bizzies after drunkenly throwing up in a cab, before refusing to pay the £85 fare and flashing his backside at the driver. "I've got a great cute b*m," said Hartson to cabbie Mo Ajaib - who was recording their conversation on his phone. "You're a dirty b*tch," he added. Leicestershire police plan to investigate, though Hartson has now vowed to pay up.
Guardian
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Lord Ferg: "F*****g b@stard."
Geoff Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that."
Ferg: "F**k off to you."
Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that. Don't even think about it."
Ferg: "Don't you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?"
Shreeves: "Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?"
Ferg: "You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You're the one."
Shreeves: "I'm entitled to ask. Cristiano [Ronaldo] gave the right answer."
Ferg: "F***ing hell with your answers."
Shreeves: "Don't talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don't talk to me like that."
Ferg: "F**k off."
Lord Ferg indulges Sky's Geoff Shreeves in some light-hearted Glasgow patter after the MU Rowdies' FA Cup win over Middlesbrough. The BBC was later forced to can their interview with Gareth Southgate when their microphones picked up Ferg's volley of abuse
Guardian
Ooooops egen tråd om saken: http://www.luscos.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=7967
The Quotes Of The Week
From Sir Fergie's friendly chat with Geoff Shreeves, through Bjorn Runstrom's absolutely marvellous rant, checking in on Ben Foster post-Spurs and ending up with David Beckham's walking plans...
* "I asked him..." - Geoff Shreeves starts talking to Sir Fergie...
* "F*****g (inaudible) bastard" - Sir Alex Ferguson, Knight of the Realm, responds with the courtesy you would expect from a man of his rank.
* "Don't talk to me like that" - Shreeves.
* "F**k off to you" - Fergie.
* "Don't talk to me like that. Don't even think about it" - Shreeves.
* "Don't you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?" - Fergie.
* "Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?" - Shreeves.
* "You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You're the one" - Fergie. Or possibly an angry 13-year-old girl. We're losing track.
* "I'm entitled to ask...Cristiano gave the right answer" - Shreeves.
* "F*****g hell with your answers" - Fergie.
* "Don't talk to me like that. Go away. If you want to behave civilly, fine. Don't talk to me like that" - Shreeves.
* "F**k off" - Fergie.
* "It was a disgrace. I was disgusted" - Sir Alex Ferguson offers his opinion of the questions posed to Ronaldo by Shreeves after sobering up. Sorry, calming down.
* "I don't know why they carry on like that. Maybe some people don't like me. Maybe it is because I am too good for them" - Cristiano Ronaldo can't imagine why anyone calls him a diver.
* "In that situation, we would all love to do that" - Gareth Southgate, erm, condemns James Morrison for his foul on Ronaldo.
* "It's a disgrace. I know Gareth's a friend of Stuart Pearce's and they had Manchester United to face. But it's scandalous and I would love to see them lose their next six games and see how they feel in the last couple, under that sort of pressure. I don't think a club like Boro should disrespect Sheffield United. To not have any of those players playing against City, especially with the way they are playing at the moment, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. He's only a young manager but I hope that one day it happens to him and he sees what effect it can have. They play West Ham next and Alan Curbishley is another mate of his. He'll probably not bother there, either" - If Sheffield United go down, it will be because of one individual result in a game they weren't even involved in, says Neil Warnock.
* "I do not think we were being disrespectful to anyone. Quite frankly, I will pick who I want. It is not my responsibility to pick a team for other clubs" - Gareth Southgate treats Warnock's whining with the contempt it deserves.
* "I really didn't have anything lined up, when I got a phone call from my wife saying Barcelona were interested" - Henrik Larsson. Yeah, we know how that goes, Henrik, our wife phoned to say the Harlem Globetrotters wanted to recruit us just yesterday
* "I wouldn't bet a penny on them staying up. They dug their own grave when they sacked Newell and put me on the bench. An iceberg would have a greater chance of making it in Hell than Luton have of staying in the Championship. Against Ipswich, we played the same as we have lately - like s**t. I prefer the bench to going out on a pitch where half my team kick the ball as high and far as possible and the other half run away to avoid getting a pass. Some of the guys would be good American football kickers. The others should get out of football. I hope I don't stay here and be humiliated. For the fans' sake, I still hope for a win. But with these clowns for coaches, I doubt it" - Bjorn Runstrom unleashes a tremendous rant.
* "Our defenders can go out and buy a hot dog during the game. He is completely harmless. He's scored one goal in around thirty games in the Championship. On the other hand, that happened while the opposition were out buying a hot dog!" - Runstrom offers his opinion of Luton colleague Warren Feeney, a possible opponent when Norn Iron clash with Sweden next week.
* "Runstrom is spineless, he is a maggot of a man. He's not fit to lace Warren Feeney's boots" - Luton defender Sol Davis hits back.
* "I like the food, it has been excellent. I especially enjoy fish and chips" - Carlos Tevez is enjoying life in England.
* "I need my weight for strength, like Wayne Rooney or Paul Gascoigne" - Carlos Tevez. Quite possibly on his way to the chippy.
* "Too often crosses come into our box, they are not defended properly and bad decisions are made. I have to find defenders who are good enough to play in front of Shay Given" - Glenn Roeder. He's talking about you, Titus.
* "We've been to Anfield and beaten the Liverpool first team on a number of occasions over the last 20 years, so why the hell should we be insulted by having to play their reserves?" - Brighton chairman Dick Knight isn't impressed by Rafa Benitez' claim that Liverpool Reserves should be allowed to play in the Football League.
* "What can I do? You know the French" - Arsene Wenger's still not too happy about Les Bleus' use of Thierry.
* "Maybe United could give Watford the FA Cup if they were to have the Premiership and the Champions League" - Ben Foster finds himself stuck in the middle.
* "I don't have a scoring bonus written into my contract" - Post-Watford, Paul Robinson prepares to sack his agent.
* "There were chants of 'England's number one' and 'England's number two' all game. But after the goal, there were a few chants of 'England's number four'" - Ben Foster.
* "There were some problems to solve and if you see the money of the club's owner, you would expect those problems to be solved. But that didn't happen and the reason given for the club not to hire new players were the alleged problems between me and Abramovich, who even stopped going to the games, although nobody cared to know why. I said, 'who am I to question the owner of the club?' Abramovich is the almighty in Chelsea" - Jose Mourinho doesn't sound at all bitter, does he?
* "It does do my head in to see David Nugent called up like that for England, to be honest with you. He's a good player, but I don't think I'm getting a fair crack at the England set-up" - Michael Chopra, abject failure at Premiership football, maintains that a good season in the fizzy-pop league should have been rewarded by England.
* "The other night he bought me a sandwich at the reserve game and that's a real show of affection from our chairman" - Stuart Pearce focuses on the good signs.
* "We tend to try and get as many points as we can and see where that takes us" - Pompey's Joe Jordan reveals his side's tactics.
* "We'll need a plastic surgeon" - Sam Allardyce upon being asked if the battering at Old Trafford would 'leave any scars' on his team.
* "I just ducked and the stewards got to him. The way he ran at me I think he'd had a few drinks. I don't think he should have been on the pitch in the first place" - Frank Lampard informs us that there's a no-alcohol rule for pitch invaders.
* "At Chelsea, everyone's 'geezer'. 'All right, geezer?'. 'Morning, geezer.' Some of the foreign boys come in like Sheva, who can hardly speak a word of English, and within a couple of weeks, all he can say is 'Alright, geezer?'" - Frank Lampard. Boy, do we wish that fan had connected.
* "I'd walk back from the States to play for England again" - David Beckham.
Kilde: http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_2009966,00.html
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42732000/jpg/_42732057_mcclarensmile270.jpg)
Everything's fantastic
"Someone who has watched a lot of international football told me it was as good a display of football as they had seen over the entire weekend."
England coach Steve McClaren appears to have been talking to an imaginary friend after the tedious draw in Israel.
"It's paradise. The sea is turquoise blue, the hotels are right on the beach, it's really picture-postcard. It's easy to get sucked in that this is a wonderful holiday place, well it is if all you are doing is holidaying."
Geoff Boycott on the distractions for players in the West Indies during the Cricket World Cup.
"The hanging judges, snitches and do-gooders who shopped Freddie should get a life."
Ian Botham slams Andrew Flintoff's critics following his pedalo jaunt.
"For me it is a penalty. Why when Cristiano is involved is it always polemic?"
Cristiano Ronaldo become possibly the first footballer ever to use the word polemic in an interview.
"It's a disgrace. I know Gareth's a friend of Stuart Pearce's and they had Manchester United to face. But it's scandalous and I would love to see them lose their next six games and see how they feel under that sort of pressure. They play West Ham next and Alan Curbishley is another mate of his. He'll probably not bother there, either."
Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock condemns Boro counterpart Gareth Southgate for resting key players ahead of the FA Cup quarter-final replay.
"Quite frankly, I will pick who I want."
Southgate hits back.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42732000/jpg/_42732087_barryfry203.jpg)
Fry is a pie fan
"No-one would want to watch the reserve teams of any club - I don't care if they're Real Madrid, Juventus or Fray Bentos!"
Peterborough director of football Barry Fry rubbishes Rafa Bentiez's suggestion that Liverpool reserves should play in the Football League.
"Forget Buster Douglas v Mike Tyson - toppling those two cricketing heavyweights was more like your local pub bruiser v Sugar Ray Robinson."
Scotland cricketer Paul Hoffmann on facing Australia and South Africa in the Cricket World Cup.
"An iceberg would have a greater chance of making it in Hell than Luton have of staying in the Championship. Against Ipswich, we played the same as we have lately - like s***."
A Swedish website quoting Luton's on-loan striker Bjorn Runstrom. The player later claimed someone else posing as him had done the interview.
"He gave the penalty and then he pointed the other way. It's a disgrace. I don't know what he sent me off for - I wasn't listening - walking on the pitch perhaps?"
Dennis Wise is unimpressed by the performance of referee Nigel Miller after Leeds's 1-1 draw with fellow strugglers Southend.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I have seen Arsenal and Man United and they are both football teams."
Liverpool youth coach Steve Heighway on his team's possible FA youth cup final opposition. (Alex M, UK).
"Langeveldt played the Bakerloo and it went down the Piccadilly."
TMS on South African Carl Langeveldt completely misjudging the line against Australia. (Stephen F, UK)
"I got a half-time cup of tea to warm myself up but have managed to spill it all over my crotch. Loving the stadium though!"
Anonymous texter to BBC who couldn't take in how "hot" the new Wembley is! (Chris Kershaw, UK).
"And if Bangladesh lose to Bermuda, I'll eat...these binoculars!"
Arlo White doesn't get at all carried away on TMS. (Robbie, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42732000/jpg/_42732123_britneysnake203.jpg)
Kick me baby one more time
"That kicked like a...snake."
Mark Nicholas commentating on a Scottish ball during the Scotland-Netherlands Cricket World Cup match. Snakes don't have feet, though! (Stewart Slaymaker).
"We are one point behind Newcastle now, so if we get a draw at St James's we'll be level on points."
Paul Addison on BBC Radio Cleveland before the recent Middlesbrough-Newcastle game, not quite understanding that home teams get points for draws too. (Bruce, UK).
"I think we have done well to get him away from Cheltenham today."
Commentator about Robbie Fowler in the Europe XI v Man Utd game. (Richard Lashbrooke).
"That's about two, three inches away from the danger zone."
Mark Nicholas after Jacques Kallis played on to his nether regions. (Peter, London).
"How delighted are you? I mean, you must be delighted, but how delighted are you?"
"I'm delighted."
Post match interviewer and captain Habibul Bashar on Bangladesh's progression to the Super Eights. (Stephen F, UK).
"Ganguly definitely probably won't play in the next World Cup."
Darren Gough on Five Live. (Nick, England).
"Dwayne Leverock is fielding at first slip, second slip and third."
David Lloyd commentating on the 20-stone Bermudan cricketer. (Shyamal, India).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42732000/jpg/_42732161_leverock203.jpg)
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
"The team colours of both these sides need no introduction - Tottenham are in white and Chelsea are in blue."
John Motson just before the kick-off at the Spurs v Chelsea FA Cup replay. (Pete Dennis, Wales).
"The only thing bright about Braga in the first half was their shirts!"
David Pleat commentating on Spurs v Braga. (Chris Hirst, Darlington).
"Being a hooker in this weather isn't an enviable job, you're cold, isolated, alone and then you're expected to drop it on a sixpence."
From Sky Sports commentary at the Cornish Pirates v Rotherham game as rain and wind lashed Camborne (commentators David Barnes and Will Chigwell). (Leon, Russia).
Match reporter: "They have literally been throwing the kitchen sink at them in the last few minutes."
Jeff Stelling: "If they're literally throwing the kitchen sink at them, one piece of advice - duck!"
Classic Jeff Stelling. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).
"He should be good; he's Captain of 680 million people."
Charlton manager Alan Pardew on Charlton's Chinese Skipper Zheng Zhi after his impressive display against Newcastle. (Tommy Blanche, UK).
"It is always good to cross the bridge and venture down to Cornwall. There were four teams in the draw and we were always going to be drawn against one of three, either home or away."
Graham Dawe, Plymouth Albion's Director of Rugby after the Semi-Final draw of the EDF Trophy against the Cornish Pirates. (Salisbury Pirate, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42732000/jpg/_42732207_mickeymousealarm203.jpg)
No more excuses, Stokesy!
"Stokesy, Stokesy, what's the time?"
Sunderland fans to Anthony Stokes at the Stoke game (he was late for the Barnsley game and subsequently dropped). Lee Jones, UK
"Argentina!"
Man United fans leap to the defence of Argentine Gabriel Heinze who had just been pushed over by Middlesbrough's Brazilian midfielder Fabio Rochemback. (Sea Bass, England).
"Where's ya caravan?"
Leeds fans to Luton's Scandinavian striker Bjorn Runstrom, who has long hair. (Jack Dickinson, UK).
"Shall we catch the ball for you?"
Scotland cricket fans in the World Cup match with the Netherlands after first slip dropped a catch early on and it raced to the boundary. (Chris Lawton, England).
"Sit down potato head."
West Brom fans to Birmingham boss Steve Bruce. (Sam, UK).
"England's number nine!"
Spurs fans after Paul Robinson scored with a 90-yard free kick against Watford. (Alfie, UK).
"We're off to Wembley - you're off to Burnley."
Blackburn fans to West Ham. (Mark Davies, England).
"You can shove your ******* railway up your a***!"
Bristol City fans singing to Crewe fans at Gresty Road. (Chris, Bristol).
"Where's the ****** with the bell?"
Reading fans taunting Pompey's infamous bell man.
"There's the ****** with the bell!"
Reading fans when the bell man surfaced 20 minutes later. (Alex, England).
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/6496333.stm
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I don't fight about girlfriends. I have a lot of them, and I am married" - Pompey's Zimbabwean striker Benjani Mwaruwari denies that his reported brawl with international team-mate Peter Ndlovu in a Harare hotel had anything to do with a lady.
Guardian
BBC: Quotes of the Week
"Nobody can stop him. Probably the only way to do it is to kill him. When he runs at you, you try to grab his shirt or do whatever you can. But he just goes past you, makes fun out of you and leaves you kicking the air.
Even when he is sitting on a bike, Cristiano is doing tricks. He eats with the ball, he watches TV with the ball. He probably even sleeps with the ball."
Manchester United full-back Patrice Evra waxes lyrical about team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo.
"We were good friends until we started winning, then he started changing his mind. He has very good relationships with managers of teams that normally he beats."
Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez kicks off the Champions League semi-final war of words with Jose Mourinho.
"This is absolutely fantastic - it is better than sex!"
Jockey Robbie Power after winning the Grand National on Silver Birch.
"You might get some now, then!"
Winning trainer Gordon Elliott's instant reply to Power.
"When you are in a dogfight you have to fight like dogs. If it is a gunfight you can't afford to go in with just a knife."
Chris Coleman, just before he swapped his weapons of choice for a P45 after being sacked by Fulham
"It's about 30 more than I've been getting lately!"
England captain Michael Vaughan after top-scoring with 30 in the World Cup win over Bangladesh.
"They've got the devil in them - and that comes from the manager."
QPR manager John Gregory on Sunderland's Roy Keane after the Black Cats' 2-1 win.
"I don't give two hoots about West Ham...it would be nice to be puffing on a cigar now but we don't do things like that."
Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock after seeing his side beat fellow-strugglers West Ham 3-0.
"With a team you live in a tunnel and sometimes you have to go down and flirt with hell to see how much you can deal with that, so that you become stronger. But you go quickly to hell and very slowly to heaven."
Arsene Wenger gets all philosophical after Arsenal's defeat of Bolton.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42810000/jpg/_42810109_fatherchristmas270.jpg)
And in goal for Portsmouth...
"It just had to go. It was a bit tongue in cheek when I said I'd grow it until I set a new record. The way games have gone for me I'd probably end up looking like Santa Claus by the time it happens!"
David James - one clean sheet away from a Premiership record - decides to have a shave.
"There have been cup shocks before but this would be up there with man landing on the moon."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd ahead of their FA Cup semi-final with Man Utd. He wasn't wrong.
"I think the Bosman thing is a pile of donkey dung."
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway after learning midfielder Tony Capaldi is considering his future.
"If I could go back in time I would have stayed at home."
Roma coach Luciano Spalletti after seeing his side beaten 7-1 by Manchester United.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"As they say in Italy, it's Goodnight Vienna."
Century FM Commentator as Man Utd went 5-0 up against Roma. (Kronstein, England).
"Extra time probably came at the wrong time for us."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's FA Cup defeat by Chelsea. When exactly was he expecting extra time to come?! (Paul Gorrie, Spain).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42810000/jpg/_42810189_nigelwinterburn203.jpg)
No flies on Nigel...
"I've been saying for a long time now that the bottom three will go down."
Nigel Winterburn commenting on who he thinks will be relegated from the Premiership this season. (Kevin, England).
"I think we deserved the three points."
Michael Essien gets a little bit confused as to what he's achieved, having rifled home the last gasp Champions League winner against Valencia. (Adam Pearce, England). It must be a Chelsea thing - Wayne Bridge said exactly the same after winning the Carling Cup.
"It was always going to be a must-win game against England, but now it becomes even more must-win."
Jacques Kallis on South Africa's crunch game against England. Which they must win. (Chris,England).
"I look forward to taking the club into a new era."
Comment from new Luton chairman David Pinkney - just as the club look certain to be relegated! (Luke, UK).
Martin Brundle: "Congratulations on your fifth pole, Felipe."
Felipe Massa: "You've just congratulated me on the next one because this is my fourth!"
ITV's Martin Brundle looks into the future on his gridwalk before F1's Malaysian GP. (Phil, England).
"I'd compare him to the incomparable George Best."
David Pleat singing Cristiano Ronaldo's praises during Man Utd's win over Roma. (Sotirios Alpanis, England).
"He wears a suit; so he's a tactician. He wears a tracksuit; so he's a motivator. He carries a clipboard; so he's a bus conductor."
Stuart Pearce on Rafa Benitez ahead of City's match with Liverpool at Eastlands. (Stuart McKinney, Northern Ireland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42810000/jpg/_42810209_mahmood270.jpg)
Punny old game for Saj
"Those jokes were getting me down but that wicket's really brightened Mahmood."
A terrible pun following a Saj Mahmood wicket on the Cricinfo website - in response to a few even worse ones during the England-Bangladesh game. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).
Interviewer : So is the pressure now on Manchester United?
Jose Mourinho: No, no pressure. If they play well, they will win. If they don't play well, they will get a penalty and still win.
Mourinho after Chelsea closed the gap at the top of the Premiership to three points. (Chris Brown, Wales).
"Some chap in the crowd spies the camera and starts pointing at his lady-friend's devil's dumplings. Marvellous stuff...I mean, no need for that..."
Fantastic stuff from Ben Dirs commenting on extra-curricular activities at the England-Bangladesh match. (Phil Railton, England).
"If games were only 80 minutes long we would be around 15th or 16th."
Aidy Boothroyd thinks the game of football is too long for Watford to cope with. (Maroof, Surrey).
"Giggs is enjoying himself in the centre of the threesome."
David Pleat talking about United's attack during the Man U v Roma game. (Aaron Glover, Brighton).
"Then Ryan O'Leary had to come on in the second half because Simon Ford was feeling his groin at half-time."
Comment from Kilmarnock Manager Jim Jeffries after the game v Hearts. (Stuart Graham, UK).
"I'm proud to be a symbol like the army knife or the mountains."
Roger Federer at the unveiling of his own Swiss postal stamp. Because being a mountain or an army knife is the in thing to be. (David Hedley, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're s*** and we're beating you."
Southend fans to Preston counterparts. (David, England).
"Four goals! We only want four goals!"
Spurs fans at beginning of second half against Sevilla, who were 2-0 up, leaving Tottenham needing four to win. (Joe Dua).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42810000/jpg/_42810283_silverbirch270.jpg)
It's better than watching the Palace
"We want the National!"
Palace fans during game with Wolves at Selhurst Park when the Grand National was put on the big screens for a few seconds and then taken off. (Henry Randell, England).
"Cedric Cedric show us Uras."
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras. (Callum Hunter, Scotland).
"3-0, and we're s*** away."
Exeter City fans to Crawley fans during the Grecians' 3-0 triumph at Broadfield Stadium. (Olly, England).
"What's it like to be non-league?!"
Sung by Dagenham & Redbridge fans to Aldershot after going 1-0 up in the game that they clinched promotion to the Football League. (James Ainsworth, England).
"Going down, going down going down!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley when they led 2-0.
"Staying up, staying up, staying up!"
Barnsley fans when they pulled a goal back with 10 minutes to go.
"Cheerio, cheerio cheerio!"
Ipswich fans to Barnsley after going 5-1 up. (Maddie Britton, England).
"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, that boy Ronaldo made England look s***e!"
Manchester United fans repeatedly singing in the 7-1 thrashing of Roma. (Amman Ayub, High Wycombe, England).
"One Song, we've only got one Song!"
Charlton fans about Alexandre Song. (Michael Gormley, England).
"You can stick your Fiat Punto up your a***!"
Scotland fans at Italy v Scotland. (Dave, Glasgow).
Football365: The Quotes Of The Week
* "Cristiano is the most exciting player in the country at the moment. The quickness of his feet and the skills he possesses make you think, at times, he is from another planet" - At times, Gordon Taylor, one might think it's a planet where gravity exerts considerably less force.
* "When he runs at you with his tricks and skills you don't know which way he's going. If you double up on him he passes to Rooney and he does it. Where do you stop? You can't double up on everyone" - The answer, John Terry, is not to bother doubling up on (or, indeed, marking) Kieran Richardson.
* "I probably will be man-marked next season or teams will double up on me" - Talking of doubling up, Gabby Agbonlahor is fairly confident in his own abilities.
* "I had a mate who put a bet on that I would get double figures, so if I can it would mean a lot" - And he hasn't lost sight of his priorities.
* "It means everything to be going to Wembley as a young English player" - How about as a player approaching his 26th birthday, Joe Cole?
* "Extra time probably came at the wrong time for us" - Mark Hughes scoffs at the '90 minutes' traditionalists.
* "If games were only 80 minutes long we would be around 15th or 16th" - As does Adrian Boothroyd.
* "It's games like Saturday and last Tuesday night that you want to be involved in - and you can't get that anywhere else other than the top three clubs" - Alan Smith has a right pop at Arsenal.
* "The next time I go to the theatre I am going to let some thespians have it. It might make me feel better and then I will claim I pay their wages when I leave" - Do you get the feeling Stuart Pearce doesn't like being booed?
* "It had to go. It was a bit tongue in cheek when I said I'd grow it until I set a new record. The way games have gone for me I'd probably end up looking like Santa Claus" - David James has a shave.
* "I think it would be the result of the decade if we could get a result there" - Neil Warnock looks forward to his side's trip to Old Trafford.
* "I stopped watching the Roma match at 4-0 and went to play football with my son, William, in the hall. And I didn't watch the Watford game because I was at Alton Towers for my daughter's birthday" - He'd done his research, after all.
* "We're the biggest failures in the league given the level of spending on our first team squad" - Livingston boss Pearse Flynn looks on the bright side.
* "It's all about making sure that if we end up losing possession of the ball, we lose it in a safe area. That's better than losing it in a dangerous area" - Michael Brown shows his intelligence belies his thuggish reputation. Wait, that's not what belies means...
* "These are simple accounting losses reflecting the leveraged buy-out by the holding company, which is in line with expectations" - A Glazer family spokesman explains why...erm...oh, we've no idea.
* "Unfortunately, you go very quickly to hell and very slowly to heaven" - Arsene Wenger on his side's recent demise. It's even worse than previously thought.
* "My dad was a big Chelsea fan but he's not any more. I can assure you of that. He's been a Chelsea supporter since the 1970s and always enjoyed going to the games. Now he's switched his allegiance" - It seems Peter Crouch's dad has gone in the opposite direction to 90% of Chelski fans.
* "I have raised my voice a few times this season - I have not had to too many - but I do not think there is any point in losing your rag every week. You have to do what you feel is right, but also give a true reflection of your emotions, and sometimes it is better to bite your tongue. You just have to be yourself. There are times when you are disappointed, but as long as you are honest with people and when they do well, you let them know you feel they have done well, then they can accept it when you are not so happy with their performance" - Let's face it, you wouldn't be scared of Gareth Southgate, would you?
* "Will we be cheering Milan on in the Champions League? That seems an exaggeration. Milan deserved to qualify, but I watch that tournament to see the great teams play" - Roberto Mancini does his bit for footballing diplomacy in Milan.
* "Rafa is not going anywhere. He's under contract and he told me that his wife has said that if he ever did go, he'd have to go without her because she's staying in Liverpool" - Liverpool owner Tom Hicks.
* "I said no to Real when they offered me more money than I get here" - Rafa Benitez talks himself up...
* "In regard to the statements attributed to current Liverpool coach Rafael BenÃtez...Real Madrid wish to deny any negotiations with said professional" - Real Madrid talk him down.
* "We have been in contact with his folks. Everything is very preliminary. If it happens, that would be wonderful - not just for the Galaxy, but also for our league. And I think he would really enjoy the opportunity, because he is competitive and he wants to win. He's a great player and he doesn't want to sit in the French countryside drinking wine" - So says Becks' boss Alexi Lalas of (wait for it) Zinedine Zidane.
* "London eats you up with skin and hair" - Franz Beckenbauer advises Jurgen Klinsmann to take the Chelski job. We think.
Ekte supporter!
Composer and theatre producer Andrew Lloyd Webber says he will only attend this week's edition of Any Dream Will Do - in which budding musical actors bid to win a leading role in the West End - unless the BBC fly him back from his beloved Leyton Orient's away match with Bradford. (The Sun)
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007140001-2007180344,00.html
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839775_benitezgerrard270.jpg)
All right, la?
"My family are really happy here at Liverpool and I am prepared to have my daughter with a Scouse accent, even though it is sometimes a problem for me!"
Rafa Benitez makes big sacrifices to stay in Liverpool.
"We have got the drug testers here today. They shouldn't be going to see the players - they should go to see the officials instead."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy after seeing his side denied a 'stonewall' penalty in the 3-2 defeat by Birmingham.
"Up front we played like world beaters - at the back it was more like panel beaters."
Wigan manager Paul Jewell on the 3-3 draw with Spurs.
"I have great respect for him and he has none for me."
Charlton boss Alan Pardew on his special relationship with Jewell.
"If at the end of the season I'm leaving the club, you have the right to come to me and say: 'Jose, you are a liar'."
Jose Mourinho after declaring he wants to stay at Chelsea.
"The way the matches are in this country is unbelievable. The players either die or get better."
More from the Special One.
"They have not even paid the price of an aspirin for Michael since he left their care."
Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd threatens the FA with an injunction to stop England calling up Michael Owen in June.
"Villa was disappointing. When you lose at home, it always feels much worse. It is like being burgled."
Gareth Southgate believes Middlesbrough's 3-1 defeat to Aston Villa was daylight robbery.
"It's ******* fixed. Whoever does the draw is trying to stitch me up but I don't mind, I love it."
Ronnie O'Sullivan after being given a tough draw against Ding Junhui in the first round of the World Snooker Championships. O'Sullivan duly triumphed 10-2.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839837_lewishamilton203.jpg)
Everyone's favourite boy racer
"Sweet!"
Lewis Hamilton's response to becoming the first driver in Formula One history to start his career with three successive podium finishes.
"I was jogging up the touchline trying to keep warm. It might have slipped out of my hands and fell on to the pitch."
Manchester City manager Stuart Pearce after he appeared to throw a water bottle during the draw with Watford.
"I did give it at least a day before I answered - just to keep him sweating!"
Dwight Yorke on delaying his answer to Roy Keane when the Sunderland manager came calling. Brave or stupid? You decide.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Frank Lampard has a bit of a love-hate relationship with West Ham - except there's not really any love."
Five Live commentator in West Ham v Chelsea game. (Nick Eastburn, England).
"Deuchar was born in Stirling and started his career in footballing at Falkirk, but two leg breaks and other problems forced him to join East Fife."
From Wikipedia on Kenny Deuchar - bit harsh on East Fife! (Olly Bacon, UK).
"We're down to the bare bones. We are playing with 12 players."
Sir Alex Ferguson on the Man Utd v AC Milan game. How many players does he want?! (Turkish, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839885_spalletti203.jpg)
Hair today...
"He had a full head of hair at 7.45."
ITV commentator on Luciano Spalletti after Roma went 4-0 down in the first few mins. (Tisaru Perere, England).
"Come on keeper, show some enthusiasm!"
Shouted at poor Carl Dennison of Slough as the 17-year-old picked the ball out of the net again, during a thrashing by Bromley in the Ryman Premiership. (Chris Elmer, UK).
"End to end stuff at both ends."
Don Goodman commentating on Wolves v Birmingham. (Chris Rogers, Wales).
"That's the Steve Davis of old there - a fluke to start!"
Willie Thorne during Davis' first round match with John Parrott at The Crucible. (Jer, England).
"A mere single off Vaughan, which surely makes him England's most parsimonious bowler of the tournament. Doesn't matter whether he's got ball or bat in hand - he's like a magic run-repelling device."
Tom Fordyce's comment on Vaughan's bowling on the BBC website had me in tears. (Phil Mansell, Dubai).
"Our objective is keep Arsenal English, albeit with a lot of foreign players."
Peter Hill-Wood, chairman of Arsenal, redefines "Englishness". As in, not actually that English at all. (Phil Railton, England).
"This game can go either two ways, Sheffield United score and it's 2-1 or Manchester United score and it's 3-0." Andy Gray as Man Utd led Sheffield United 2-0. (Paul, Scotland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839917_shakira270.jpg)
Hips don't lie
"There's was more movement in that pitch than Shakira's hips in one of her film clips."
Damien Fleming before Ireland v Sri Lanka. (Fergus, Australia).
"And overnight a helpline has been set up for English cricket. The number is 1800 101010. That's one eight hundred, won nothing, won nothing, won nothing."
Former Australian wicket-keeper Ian Healy after the sports news on Channel 9 as England exited the World Cup. (Michael, Australia).
"It's going to be hard playing against Man U, seeing as they are up for the triple."
I always thought it was the treble but Neil Warnock obviously doesn't agree. (Toms, UK).
"Being crowned champions this year is a bit like a birth - the more you wait, the more you worry. Let's hope it's not a caesarean!"
Gerrard Houllier on Lyon's wait to be mathematically confirmed as champions. (Simon Harrow, France).
"It was a surprise, but not unexpected."
Ex-Livingston manager John Robertson on being shown the door at Almondvale. (Tom, Spain).
"We're in football to play in big games. And games don't come any bigger than the semi-final of the Cup at Hampden."
Hibs manager John Collins on Football Focus ahead of the game on Saturday. How about the final, John? (Steve, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839969_unluckyalf203.jpg)
Only another 6,000 years to go, Cristiano
"They must be delighted that he's signed a five year extension, which will take him through to Twenty Thousand and Twelve (20012)."
Alan Parry commentating for Sky on Ronaldo's new (and extremely long) contract for Manchester United. (Adam Allford, England).
"Single apiece to the batsmen off Andrew Hall, and Pietersen gets a laser stare from all 11 members of the South African side. In case you're unaware of the history behind this particular showdown, Pietersen left his homeland for England because of the quota system - South African rules state that no team can field more than three massive egos in any one match."
Wit of the highest order by your very own TMS Live Commentary team during SA v Eng. (Elis Roderick, UK).
"Gary - you're obsessed with him!"
Alan Hansen commenting on Gary Lineker's admiration of Cristiano Ronaldo. (Maroof, England).
"Craig Beattie's an important player for us. He's quick, he's very fast, and he's got great pace."
Scotland manager Alex McLeish on Beattie, who's also quite speedy. (Tom Squires, Scotland).
On comparisons of Ronaldo to Pele and Maradona...
Paul Merson: "Well I didn't see Pele..."
Peter Reid: "...and I didn't see Maradona!"
Lightning response by Reid - one of the men left for dead by Maradona during that goal for Argentina against England. (Sean, Leeds).
"That needs no commentary at all. It's just like a postage stamp, right in the top corner!"
Commentator on Sky Sports during second half of Man Utd v Roma highlights. (Martin, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Is that all you take away?"
St Albans City fans at home to Oxford United. Around 1,600 of the 1,800 fans were supporting Oxford! (Jamerico Humos, UK)
"We've lost 3,000 fans!"
Sung by Dagenham & Redbridge supporters after getting attendances of over 4,000 for the promotion-clincher against Aldershot and just 1500 for the next home game. (Michael, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839973_newcastlefan270.jpg)
Did someone say fat?
"We're fat, but we're not that fat!"
Topless Rotherham fans to a legendary but overweight Yeovil steward. (Matt, Rotherham).
"You're only here for a sun-tan."
Sung by Linfield fans to Glentoran at The Oval, directed at the fans lying on the hill on a beautiful day in East Belfast. (Craig Buchanan, Northern Ireland).
"Going down, going down, going down."
Middlesbrough fans to West Ham when they trailed 2-0.
"2-0 to the Championship!"
West Ham's reply. (Charlie, England).
"Who needs Shev-chen-ko, we got Nar-diel-lo."
Barnsley chant v Crystal Palace. (Steven Duke, England).
"All your fans and Smithy too, have all *****d off to watch Man U!"
Burnley fans singing to Leeds. (Jacque, England).
"We're gonna deep-fry your pizzas."
Scotland fans at Italy v Scotland. (Rod Fraser, UAE).
"We dont give a ****, we're staying up!"
Sheffield United fans' chant when Man Utd scored to make it 1-0 and then 2-0. (David Hughes, England).
"You dirty northern *******s!"
Torquay fans to Swindon after a bad tackle. It was the first time in my life I'd been called that. The whole County Ground started laughing and clapping. (Darren Lee, England).
Bristol City fans: "Everywhere we go, people want to know, who we are, and where we come from..."
Carlisle United fans: "WALES!" (Jon McGuckin, England).
T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
"Derbyshire - The Pride of Lancashire"
On Matt Derbyshire for Blackburn Rovers at Sunday's FA Cup semi-final. (David Thompson, UK).
Oppfordring fra Ian Dodds:
Just read an article on the bbc about a new version of Monopoly that's coming out this year which will feature towns and cities in the UK and you can vote for your town to be included, tragically Leeds is currently languishing in 12th place with a paltry 70 odd votes and being beaten by the likes of Lincoln for god's sake!
So get voting and pass it on.. http://www.monopoly.co.uk/vote.aspx
Quotes of the Week
(The Sun)
HAVE a look at the latest words of wit, wisdom and severe cases of foot in mouth disease from the biggest stars and nonentities in sport.
"It’s my decision and I stand or fall by that."
Steve McClaren calls 'About turn' on the good ship England and recalls David Beckham.
"I look back and think 'how did I get here?'"
Nicky Shorey can’t remember the way from Reading to the England training camp.
"Ledley King thinks like a defenderâ€
Sky’s Alan Smith, thinking like an ex-striker presumably
"And for Wales I don’t think I’ve been playing as well as I should have so all three parties will benefit from this."
Ryan Giggs believes Wales are better off without him
"Are you going to start calling me Jose? Excellent."
England captain Michael Vaughan shows he doesn’t mind being called 'The Special One'.
"I've got stats coming from everywhere, like this was the coldest day for cricket ever. Next it will be about whether Ryan Sidebottom's hair was the longest of any Test cricketer!"
Vaughan praises English cricket's new bowling hair-o.
"Sometimes when I played a shot it would take the bowler’s breath away â€" he is doing the same sort of thing. It isn’t just anybody who can do things like that."
Windies legend Viv Richards is a fan of Kevin Pietersen, and himself.
"I know how to forgive betrayal. I hope before he gets back on the plane he does not speak to Inter."
AC Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani would be against Chelsea’s Andriy Shevchenko joining their arch-rivals.
"I insist 100 per cent that United are not a better team than Chelsea."
Chelsea right-back Paulo Ferreira does not believe in the old saying ‘the league table never lies’
"Every team we come up against now will be armed with baseball bats to try and stop him."
Wigan assistant coach Phil Veivers is expecting a dramatic rule change in Rugby League to combat his Kiwi prop forward Iafeta Paleaaesina.
"Barney's as flat as a Dutch mountain range."
Legendary Darts commentator Sid Waddell shows his geography knowledge is up to scratch
"Darts is the be all and end all for me. That's what my life is based on."
Phil Taylor reveals his dedication to perfection
"The pitch is slow, the ball sits up, and you could hit it with a stick of rhubarb... and that's what Alastair Cook's just done."
Geoffrey Boycott is seeing things at the Test match.
"I got my a**e kicked."
Tim Henman feels tennis is becoming a contact sport
"I consider myself a minor success story."
Steve Davis undersells his six world snooker titles
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43063000/jpg/_43063039_angelcabrerafag270.jpg)
He's big, but it's not clever
"Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists - I smoke."
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.
"If you want to win, you have to pay up to £100,000 a week to a player who can hardly read or write and he earns four or five million pounds. It's crazy."
Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed tells it like it is.
"I was a bit ripe by the end of it and a few flies were gathering around me. People left me alone for a while."
Golfer Chris Gane on being forced to practice in sweltering heat with waterproof trousers over his jeans after his suitcase failed to turn up ahead of the Austrian Open.
"I had 15 messages after the game. The best one was from my mum which said 'Come outside and get some sweets'!"
England under-21 star Nedum Onouha reveals how his mum helped him get over the appalling racist abuse from Serbian fans during their group match.
"Will I try any harder to get things right? I could try harder and, to be honest, maybe I'm trying too hard."
Steve Harmison's bowling can be very trying.
"He knows I don't like heavy metal but he's friends with one of the guys in Metallica and they are at Wembley on the Sunday night in three weeks' time."
Andy Murray on coach Brad Gilbert's plans for the Scot if he wins Wimbledon.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43063000/jpg/_43063049_bear270.jpg)
He's behind you!
"I have to admit there was almost a need for a change of underwear."
European Tour chief referee John Parmor on the moment when a state trooper growled in his ear minutes after Parmor had spotted a bear as Lee Westwood played the seventh at the US Open.
"I thought 'I'm going to be on Question of Sport with them asking me what happened next...answer: He was eaten by a bear'!"
Westwood sees the funny side.
"I have won this four times now, and you have won only three. I had to get that in, because it is not very often that I can say it at a tournament, and I don't know whether I will be able to say it again."
Andy Roddick gets one over coach Jimmy Connors following his fourth Queen's triumph.
"Would you phone the president of Ghana?"
Jose Mourinho when asked by a Ghanaian journalist if he ever phoned Roman Abramovich to see how he was.
"I'm well up for a laugh and toyed with the idea of riding a donkey into the ring but I'm allergic to them. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would have been on the night? I'd have had a swollen face before taking a hit!"
Ricky Hatton on his plans to get Mexican-ed up for his fight with Luis Castillo in Las Vegas.
"It's sod's law, isn't it?"
Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce on being handed an opening day Premier League fixture at former club Bolton.
"It has gone absolutely nuts."
Silverstone spokesman on the demand for tickets to the British Grand Prix in the wake of Lewis Hamilton's win.
"It's just insane."
Hamilton after securing back-to-back wins with victory in the US Grand Prix.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43064000/jpg/_43064889_freddiepinkeyes270.jpg)
Freddie knows a thing or two about the demon drink
"Michael has become England's greatest-ever captain with his amount of wins and if you can't go out and celebrate that, what can you do?"
Freddie Flintoff keeps a straight face to support Michael Vaughan after the England skipper is pictured looking the worse for wear.
"We have a plan. It involves us spending but it will be part of a plan, not just spending like a drunken sailor."
Liverpool co-owner George Gillett outlines his spending policy.
"It was just a friendly tap on his beer belly."
Snooker star Alex Higgins upon being accused of punching referee Terry Riley during an exhibition match.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"She came along and cleaned up my dumplings."
"Did she indeed?!"
Sir Viv Richards telling Jonathan Agnew about a woman sampling his cooking. There was silence for a second before the TMS box erupted into laughter for five minutes. (Tony Howe, UK).
"Boro are one of the big clubs in England and we have the chance to challenge the top four and play in Europe every year."
Yakubu, throwing his hat in for a dope test. (Xerxes, India).
"Now I'm an old head with a lot of experience, I think I can close my eyes and 'wang' it in roughly the right spot!"
Matthew Hoggard's technical analysis of his bowling. (Daniel Ford, England).
"Although he is very young, he has two years of experience in the Premier League."
Fenerbahce deputy chairman Neset Yalcin on Colin Kazim-Richards. Someone has been pulling a fast one - he only played in the Prem for one season (with limited appearances). (Dan Johns, Brecon, Wales).
"We needed a shot in the arm and he gave it to us."
San Fransisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy with a poor choice of words to describe the 747th career home run of Barry Bonds, who was linked to alleged steroid use. (Sandy, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43064000/jpg/_43064981_borislogo203.jpg)
You never see them in the same room
"You can say what you like about my hairstyle, but it's never caused epilepsy and cost significantly less than £400,000 to design."
Boris Johnson on claims that the London 2012 Olympic logo looked like his hairdo. (Phil, England).
"I think there is less pressure on me because I am the only one that won it last year."
Geoff Ogilvy stating the obvious when asked about the pressure that comes with being the defending US Open champion. (Kane Rennie, Australia).
"Now Henman needs to put this bed to set. I mean set to bed. I'm losing it here."
Andrew Castle commentating at Queen's Club. (Andy Croft, England).
"Ten minutes ago it seemed like Mission Impossible."
Sky commentator when Real Madrid went 2-1 up after being 1-0 down against Mallorca. The camera was on Tom Cruise in the stands at the time. (Shy, India).
"He's a good driver in and out of the car."
Ron Dennis on Lewis Hamilton. What does he drive out of the car? (Robbie, UK).
"Well there was certainly a crack in the Australian defence."
Aussie commentator after a South African player had his pants pulled down by an Aussie defender. (Fershad, Australia).
"Nine times out of 10 you bat first, and the other time you still bat first."
Alistair Cook on Michael Vaughan choosing to bat first. (JM, England).
"He prefers bowling to the right-handed right-handers."
Michael Atherton on Steve Harmison. (Toby, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/43064000/jpg/_43064945_notninenewsdarts270.jpg)
And he's going for a treble
"That's 11 trebles on the trot. If you count the double 12 as a treble."
Rod Harrington getting carried away while watching Phil Taylor after he hit a 9-dart finish. (Tony Baitson).
"The crowd play a massive part here, it's like having a 13th man in football."
Colin Osborne after making it through to the quarter finals of the darts UK Open. (Matthew Harding, England).
''Albert van den Berg bending over backwards like a giraffe at the watering hole.''
Commentator Craig Marais in the South Africa v Samoa Test. He's surely the only one to ever see a giraffe bend over backwards. (Deano, South Africa).
"Bell on strike. Ding!"
Cricinfo commentary during Ian Bell's first innings 97 at Old Trafford. (Scott Craze, England).
NOT THE CHANT OF THE WEEK
"...and the supporters are all singing 'One Adrian Morley'."
Ray French commentating on the St Helens v Warrington Challenge Cup quarter-final). "What a waste of money" is what the Saints fans were actually singing! (Gary Meyler, Belvedere, Kent).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002793_beckhamgalaxystrip270.jpg)
The saviour of American football...er, soccer
"After the family the most important thing is the foot... is the soccer."
Old habits die hard for LA Galaxy new boy David Beckham.
"He's got two legs and two arms just like everybody else."
LA Galaxy supremo Alexei Lalas makes some startling observations about Beckham.
"It's meant to be low key."
An LA Galaxy spokesman on the arrival of arguably the most famous footballer in the world.
"He is clearly showing up, not as an athlete but as a celebrity... folks are viewing him not as a leader of men but as the husband of Posh. Beckham's appeal is as a tourist attraction, the latest Disneyland ride."
LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke sticks the boot in.
"Most people were too drunk to notice me."
Bradley Wiggins on his experiences of late-night practice runs for the London leg of the Tour de France.
"It is nice to be recognised for actually achieving something in life as opposed to spending seven weeks in a house on TV with a load of other muppets."
Wiggins has a pop at Big Brother after finishing fourth in the Tour de France prologue.
"When I had to sing for my initiation into the group I did my Crazy Frog dance, which went down really well."
Chelsea new boy Florent Malouda passes his first test.
"I wasn't worried when I saw Deano go down because I think he milked it a bit!"
West Ham manager Alan Curbishley is unconcerned after seeing striker Dean Ashton chopped down during his comeback game against Dagenham.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002805_brosnan203.jpg)
Brosnan left Henin shaken and stirred
"I saw Pierce Brosnan in the crowd and he's one of my favourite actors so I just tried to play a little better."
Marion Bartoli reveals the success behind her shock victory over top seed Justine Henin at Wimbledon.
"The fans, everyone, needs to just chill out and relax and let me do the job."
Sunderland manager Roy Keane - always the epitome of calm in his playing career - asks for fans to be patient as he plans his summer signings.
"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures."
Ken Bates after winning his battle to retain control at Leeds.
"I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe."
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decides to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph on video and finds his kids have taped over it.
"The facility is just a hard floor, carpet, cameras all over and mirrors. A bit kinky really when you say it like that - I didn't get a very good roll on the silk sheets!"
Golfer Lee Westwood recounts his interesting trip to a putting laboratory in a bid to sort out some problems on the green.
"I have a young family, and I also have a farm to manage." Julian White gives his reasons for not being available for England's Rugby World Cup defence.
AND SOME FROM YOU
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002856_mourinhotightlipped203.jpg)
You say it best when you say nothing at all
"Manchester United's spending is something that we don't control, we don't want to control - we don't comment, we don't want to comment. But when we spent some millions, everybody pointed at us as the team with more responsibility to win."
Jose Mourinho "not commenting" in his own traditional style. (Paul Gorrie, France).
"The umbrellas are going up and the kagouls are going on. But there are no scotch eggs coming out, so we definitely know that we are still at a race and not at a rally."
Martin Haven from Eurosport commentating on the French GP2 race. (Kayleigh, Brighton).
"I'd love someone to take me out in one, one day".
David Beckham on his desire to be driven round in an F1 car. Who's going to tell him they're single-seaters? (Mark Evans, England).
"I've been a bit of a useless tosser up to now."
Paul Collingwood commenting on Radio Five Live after winning the toss against the West Indies in the one-day series. (Chris Huff, Bologna, Italy).
"They say money talks. This is obviously untrue, because if money were capable of speech we'd hear it shrieking 'How much? You must be joking'."
Des Kelly writing in the Daily Mail about the absurdity of Darren Bent's recent £16.5m move to Spurs. (Wayne, Grenada).
"The Maze Prison and the great stadium debate is one of the first political footballs the new devolved administration in Northern Ireland will have to deal with - and it has just bounced right into the DUP's court."
Gareth Gordon, BBC Northern Ireland's political correspondent, gets his sporting analogies in a twist. (Andrew Raeburn, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002865_kermit203.jpg)
Mike is no muppet
"Mike is not just a 'yes' man. He is not just a Muppet that nods his head every day. He will have an opinion and I like that."
Leicester manager Martin Allen on Mike Stowell's appointment as goalkeeping coach. So, not just a yes man but also an opinionated muppet who nods his head every day! (Paul Haynes, UK/Spain).
"He needs more balls under his belt."
Chris Gayle commenting on the need to have Chanderpaul in the one-day team. (Roger Henderson, Trinidad).
"People keep asking me, how is this possible? Who knows? Maybe it's the radiation left after the Nato bombings."
Janko Tipsarevic tries to explain the success of Serbian players at this year's Wimbledon. (Dragan Savic, UK).
"Looks like even the coach driver's going to get one."
TV commentator on the number of people getting medals at the Copa America final. (Junaid, UK)
"In the last four holes, Mickelson hit bogey, birdie, birdie, birdie, bogey."
BBC Five Live Golf summariser ahead of the play-off at the Scottish Open. (Brendan Tinsley, UK).
"He did his cycling with his legs today."
Cycling commentator Phil Leggat about Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen. (Ian B, UK).
"He is like the ideal father-in-law. He told me that I would be challenging with six other players for four positions."
Ryan Babel commenting on Rafa Benitez. Is the Liverpool manager lining up potential husbands for his four daughters?! (Nick Green, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002886_prescottmonty203.jpg)
Two Jags and Two Bats
"I'm surprised Monty's got two bats!"
Ian Botham after Monty Panesar called to the dressing room for a new bat during the last England v West Indies ODI. (Jo Hill, England).
"Despite the global warming, England is still not warm enough for him."
Arsene Wenger on the reasons it is likely Jose Reyes will leave Arsenal for sunny Spain. (Alessandro Amasanti, England).
"It's better to win than to lose."
Sven-Goran Eriksson announces his return by stating the obvious after Man City's friendly win at Doncaster. (Walid, London).
"I could run for 45 seconds all day long."
Iwan Thomas describing the differences between football and athletics after taking part in a fund-raising match at Dean Court, Bournemouth. (Paddy, England).
"He is not going to be running around like a lunatic, but he never did that at the height of his career. With players like that, their feet never leave them."
Scott Hiley talking about Matt Le Tissier before he plays in his testimonial. So which players' feet do leave them? (Barry Arnold, UK).
"We're confident in ourselves that we can get a good run together and get the wins that we need and hopefully qualify for the World Cup."
Ashley Cole speaking to ESPN Press Pass in LA. Which competition are England trying to qualify for at the moment? (Will Shaw, Canada).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44002000/jpg/_44002910_cabreralength270.jpg)
More great length from Cabrera
"We got a taste of Cabrera's length at the US Open."
The Swing Doctor at the Scottish Open. (Billy Onions, UK).
"He is on for a podium finish or maybe even better."
James Allen (ITV) talking about Lewis Hamilton's race chances. (Brian Chambers, England).
"Rossi's bike looks like it was painted by a chimpanzee."
MotoGP Commentators on the awful colouring of Valentino Rossi's bike. (R Williams, Notts).
CHANT OF THE WEEK
"You must have come in a dinghy"
Warwickshire fans to Worcestershire rivals at Twenty20 cup game, following the recent flooding. (Tom, England).
Football365.com:
The Quotes Of The Week
* "We were shocked anybody knew we were coming" - Victoria Beckham tries out false modesty as she reflects on the landing of Planet Beckham in Planet Hollywood.
* "We buy each other gifts but I do not have a diamond-encrusted vibrator" - Mrs Beckham responds to one of the more outlandish stories in the American media this week.
* "I didn't actually know Liverpool had signed Torres because I was away on holiday" - Ryan Babel expresses his surprise upon being introduced to his new team-mates and a strangely-styled Spaniard.
* "I prefer to be boring and win" - Florent Malouda explains why he joined Chelski.
* "The rain was one of the main reasons why I didn't adapt well to that country" - Jose Reyes reveals why he is desperate to leave Arsenal.
* "Global warming is not enough for him" - Arsene Wenger's response.
* "The fact his marriage has gone Va Va Boom played a part in his decision to leave London" - A 'friend' of Thierry Henry, as quoted by The Sun. People just don't talk like that.
* "We don't want to get thrashed or lose too badly" - Vietnam coach Alfred Riedl outlines the extent of his side's ambitions before meeting Japan in the Asian Cup. They were subsequently beaten 4-1.
* "Jean-Alain Boumsong played for France. How many members of the France squad can you buy for less than £10 million? Ask Martin O'Neill what a good player he is. He tried to sign him. Ask Gérard Houllier, who wanted to buy him when he was at Liverpool. Ask Inter Milan, ask Barcelona. I rest my case" - Willie McKay, the agent who, in the words of The Times, is at the centre of inquiries into allegations of corruption in football.
* "I'm not looking to leave, but I'd love to play for another Premier League team. Or maybe even in the Championship" - Ali Al-Habsi commits himself to Bolton.
* "We had a relationship breakdown in the end. He [Stuart Pearce] came out and said certain things which he shouldn't have said" - Motormouth Joey Barton embraces irony.
* "It's better to win than to lose" - How did Sven Goran Eriksson ever fail to win the World Cup?
* "I can't understand Faubert's decision to join West Ham. I struggle to understand why he has done it. It is OK if a player is joining one of the top four in England, Germany, Italy or Spain. But it is unspeakably stupid to join a club outside of those few" - France coach Raymond Domenech rules out travelling to London to watch Julian Faubert in action at Upton Park.
* "It's awesome - it's so big I got lost twice on the first day back" - Patrik Berger is a fan of Aston Villa's new training ground.
* "I wasn't worried when I saw Deano go down. I think he milked it a bit" - Alan Curbishley thinks Dean Ashton is a diver.
* "My father likes it there and won't go" - Younis Mahmoud can't join Sunderland, because his family would rather stay in Iraq.
* "When a man like that wants you, you feel obliged" - Kieran Richardson can't say no to Roy Keane.
* "The reason why we won the FA Cup final is because we understand better than anybody else the way they [ManYoo] play" - Jose Mourinho gets warmed up for the new season.
* "We are Arsenal. We are one of the most important teams in Europe. Definitely we have to be fighting for the title because it would not be Arsenal if we are not doing this" - Do you think Cesc Fabregas really believes any of that?
* "We gave you our confidence, the same as I did with Inter and the result is that now everyone has problems with me. You left me alone and all this after two trains called Barcelona and Real Madrid passed by. When trains like this pass you are obliged to jump on board because, if not, then they do not stop and will carry on to the next station" - Cristian Chivu is less than impressed with his agent.
* "People in the street ask me to buy Ronaldinho, but I can't. Joan Laporta would have to commit suicide" - Don't you wish Silvio Berlusconi owned an English club?
* "If you make a table of the results against the other teams in the top four, then we were top. Then if you make a table against the teams in the top half, Manchester United have 43 points, we have 40, so do Chelsea, and Liverpool have 33" - Having masterminded Arsenal's decline from Invincibles to scrapping for fourth in just three years, Arsene Wenger resorts to making up imaginary leagues that they might win.
En samling elegant fotballkunst her.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/730171/funny_footballers/
Trenge vel for fakerten ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! [:D]
Football chant of the season
The final countdown has begun and the terrace bards are sharpening their pencils in a bid to come up with a witty ditty for the new season.
We get thousands of chants sent in to our Quotes of the Week section and this season we want you to pick your favourite at the end of each month.
Before the new term get under way, we asked you to pick your favourite song from the last campaign and Liverpool's "Cilla wants her teeth back" chant to Ronaldinho won the popular vote.
Nearly 10,000 people had their say, with our Cilla getting 22% of the vote, followed by Arsenal's tribute to Cesc Fabregas on 17% and Palace fans' humorous dig at poor Colchester keeper Dean Gerken (13%).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44049000/jpg/_44049262_cillaronaldinho203.jpg)
1) "Cilla wants her teeth back."
Liverpool fans to Ronaldinho during Barcelona match.
2) "Let's talk about Cesc baby, lets talk about Flam-in-i, let's talk about Theo Walcott, Freddie Ljungberg and Henry, let's talk about Cesc."
Arsenal fans, To the tune of Salt and Pepa's Let's Talk About Sex. They might need to change the words slightly this season - Ed.
3) "You should have stayed in a burger!"
Palace fans to Colchester goalkeeper Dean Gerken.
4) "We're gonna deep-fry your pizzas!"
Scotland fans to their Italian counterparts.
5) "We've got Dave Tilbury, He'll paint your house for free,
He quotes and estimates, He paints and decorates."
Windsor & Eton FC fans to painter and decorator Dave Tilbury who was making his 200th appearance for the club against Marlow.
6) "Here we go, here we go, here we go,
Youssef's better than Junin-ee-oh
Here we go-oh,
Morrocan All Over The World."
Norwich fans' chant to Youssef Safri, to the tune of the Quo's Rockin' All Over The World.
7) "Niall Quinn's disco pants are the best,
They go up from his a*** to his chest,
They're better than Adam and the Ants,
Niall Quinn's disco pants!"
Sunderland fans to chairman Niall Quinn.
8) "Who needs Mourinho, we've got our physio!"
Scunthorpe fans pay tribute to manager Nigel Adkins, the club's old physio.
9) "Love, Lovell tear you apart, again."
Aberdeen fans after Steve Lovell scored against Hearts.
10) "Cedric Cedric show us Uras."
Falkirk fans to defender Cedric Uras.
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043693_junewhitfield270.jpg)
Race you round the block, Robbie
"I'm about as fast as me Nana!"
New Cardiff striker Robbie Fowler admits his boots are meant for walking these days.
"I'll be surprised if we get jelly beans at the drinks break again!"
Matt Prior in his BBC column, following 'jelly bean-gate'.
"I squealed at the first one and he stopped and then he did it again. It hurt for about five minutes. Hopefully it won't happen again because it wasn't the most pleasant experience. Fortunately I'm all intact now."
Bradford Bulls prop Sam Burgess on the delight of having his testicles squeezed by Leon Pryce of St Helens in a Challenge Cup match.
"I don't normally speak to anyone over 30, never mind sign them."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson on the capture of 30-year-old striker Lee Trundle from Swansea.
"Unfortunately the photographers get me eating at places I shouldn't be because I'm a sportsman."
David Beckham wishes he hadn't visited that hamburger joint.
"Go ******* swivel!"
What mild-mannered Lewis Hamilton allegedly said to McClaren boss Ron Dennis in a heated radio exchange about disobeying team orders.
"You can play chess for about 10 hours and still lose, know what I mean?"
Sir Alex Ferguson has a thinly-veiled pop at Chelsea's cautious style of play ahead of the Community Shield.
"Strong words were said and he was told in no uncertain terms that if he didn't like it, he should clear off."
Birmingham boss Steve Bruce gets tough with Hossam Ghaly after the potential transfer target appeared unhappy with training methods at St Andrews.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043711_seanbean203.jpg)
Go ahead, Neil, make my day
"A lot of fans refer to him by his anagram - 'Colin W*****' - and when he comes out with rubbish like this it's easy to see why. Perhaps when you spend so much time rehearsing to get picked for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing it affects your memory."
Actor Sean Bean hits back at claims in Neil Warnock's autobiography that he swore in front of the former Sheffield United manager's young son.
"I struggled the first few days with breakfast. Instead of a croissant and cappuccino, I was faced with eggs."
Manchester City new boy Rolando Bianchi on English cuisine. Just wait till he's presented with black pudding...
"What horrifies me is people who've made money out of property or biscuit tins telling a class act who's managing their club who they should be signing."
Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn won't be telling Roy Keane who to buy. And who can blame him?
"Kick them as near the half-way line as you possibly can!"
Hearts goalkeeper Craig Gordon comes up with a cunning plan for his team-mates to stop Barcelona in their pre-season friendly.
"You've read my card on the back - it's a telephone number."
Colin Montgomerie after shooting a back nine of 5-6-2-5-6-2-5-2-4 in the first-round of the WGC Bridgestone Invitational.
"I know that Spurs are a team who like to play offensive football."
Recent Tottenham arrival Kevin Prince-Boateng has obviously heard some frightening reports about his new club.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"'And Ryan Giggs finally scores at this stadium."
Commentator after Giggs opened the scoring in the Community Shield. Give him a chance, he's only played there twice!! (Rhys Llewellyn, Wales).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043714_mervhughes203.jpg)
Sledging? Not me, mate
"I've never agreed with personal sledging, no Australian has, but everyone will try to throw another cricketer off their game if they can."
Former Aussie cricketer Andy Bichel on 'Jelly bean-gate'. An Aussie saying none of them personally sledge?! (Joe Eizenberg, Sydney, now of Bristol).
Five Live commentator: "How will Tevez fit into the Manchester United team, Mark?"
Mark Lawrenson: "Up front with Rooney I'm guessing."
Mark Lawrenson at his usual sarcastic best after the Community Shield. (Jamie Arkle, England).
"Mikel just followed through."
Martin Tyler commentating on a late challenge in the Community Shield - I think. (James Gore, England).
"Well I couldn't understand that, it wasn't in Brazilian was it?"
ITV commentator on listening to Barrichello's radio. Probably not, no - mainly because they speak Portuguese in Brazil. (Ben Burrell, England).
"He is a good, good, good, great goalscorer."
Matthieu Flamini runs out of superlatives for Thierry Henry when asked how much the Gunners will miss him. (George Quin, Suffolk).
"This one's from The Sun. Actually it's not from the back page, I've strayed to page 3."
Mark Pougatch gets distracted while doing the sports round up on Five Live Breakfast. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"Good batsmen get runs and good bowlers get wickets. If you don't get wickets, you're not a good bowler. If you don't get runs, you're not a god batsmen. Simple as."
Geoffrey Boycott stating the obvious. I could have done that job better than him. (Ameer Kapasi, United Kingdom).
"The horses race over 1400m, which is 3/4 of a mile, which is less than a mile."
Cornelius Lysaght at Goodwood on Tuesday. (Nick Cooksley, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043783_sidwaddell203.jpg)
Sid Waddell - legend
"Its like watching Man United v Chelsea on rollerskates on ice. Brilliant!"
Some commentary gold from Sid Waddell during the Van Gerwen-Baxter darts match. (Adam Sykes, UK).
"He'll have to work hard and grow a bit to make the first team."
Rio Ferdinand on the chances of the new nine-year-old sensation that Man Utd have on their books. (Mark Smyth, Sligo, Ireland).
"And then Carlos Tevez, football's equivalent of a murderer out on bail, scores the goal that kept West Ham up and put us down."
Neil Warnock, not bitter at all, writes in his book "Made in Sheffield" (as reported in the Guardian). (Adam Levy, England).
"Are there many others in the same boat?"
Jonathan Agnew to a Sheffield club cricketer flooded out of his home and his ground. (Astrofiammante, London).
"That was very inventive - a bit like an armless hitch-hiker."
Commentator Dennis Cometti describing the action in an Aussie Rules game on TV. (John Ellen, Australia).
"He took a hard bump then - I would imagine he's seeing a number of Monets right now."
Cometti again after an Aussie Rules player is concussed. (John Ellen, Australia).
"He felt his foot, which is a bit of a worry."
Presumably Everton assistant manager Alan Irvine would be a bit more worried if Tim Cahill couldn't feel his foot. (Peter, Switzerland).
"Scott Brown must have two lungs!"
My friend's comments on Brown's performance for Celtic against Parma. (Andy Ross, Scotland).
"Great refereeing from the, er, referee."
Chelsea TV commentator on the referee in the Brondby v Chelsea friendly. Well who else would be refereeing?! (Thomas McIlroy, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043803_josemourinho203.jpg)
No flies on Jose
"He has South American qualities because he comes from South America."
Jose Mourinho talking about new signing Claudio Pizarro. (James Knight, Wales).
"Gavin McCann will add stability to an already stable midfield."
Sammy Lee on Five Live. Sounds like exciting times at Bolton. (Simon, England).
"You've got to play at that unless you've got a mattress under your shirt."
Michael Holding on Chris Tremlett's wicket-taking delivery to Sachin Tendulkar in the second innings of the second Test. So THAT'S what Mike Gatting used to wear! (Mike Rice, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You're not singing anymore!"
At Sunday's Arctic Monkeys gig, when the band stopped playing due to a technical fault. (Adam Wright, Llandrindod Wells, Wales).
"Shoes off, if you hate Ken Bates."
Leeds fans during a pre-season friendly against Burnley. (Sealy, England).
"Colgan, Colgan, show us a save!"
Heard at the recent Barnsley-Wigan friendly. I think Tykes fans might want a new keeper! (Jake, Barnsley).
"What did you call Zidane?"
Sung at the Emirates Cup by Arsenal fans to Marco Materazzi. (Dom Gale, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44043000/jpg/_44043880_jellybeans203.jpg)
Bean there, done that
"Where's your jelly beans?"
Sung by India fans on the boundary at Trent Bridge as Pietersen took up his fielding position nearby. (A Butcher, England).
"How does it feel to paddle home?"
Queen of the South supporters chant to the Carlisle fans during a pre-season friendly after the floods that left Carlisle submerged two years ago. (Luke Leslie, Dumfries, Scotland).
"You fat b******!"
Chelsea fans to Wayne Rooney at the Community Shield. (Johnny, UK).
"We're Dragons 'til tonight, We're Dragons 'til tonight. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Dragons 'til tonight!"
Warrington Wolves fans at the Wigan Warriors v Catalan Dragons game at their home ground, the Halliwell Jones Stadium. (Oliver Judson, Warrington, England).
"Robbie Fowler's magic, he's got a cracking shot.
And when he signed for Cardiff, he said 'I'm buying Splott'.
He bought up half the valleys and all the Gurnos too.
And 40 thousand bluebirds said 'I'm gonna live with you'."
Fowler's new song at Cardiff! (Boothy, Wales).
Spider-Hig, Spider-Hig,
Does whatever a Spider-Hig does,
Can he score goals galore?
Yes, he can
He's the man - LOOK OUT!!
He is a Spider-Hig.
Falkirk fans' song to new striker, Michael Higdon, after his debut double against Gretna. In a Simpsons Movie tribute-stylee. (Fraser Bloy, Grangemouth, Scotland). Scans beautifully! Ed.
"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" and "You fat B******!"
Man City fans to Ricky Hatton at the Man City v Valencia friendly. Fortunately Ricky saw the funny side! (Carlo Marson, England).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057139_fergiecathy270.jpg)
"I told her I had a match but she wasn't having any of it."
Sir Alex Ferguson reveals who really owns the hair-dryer in his household after wife Cathy told him he would be missing a friendly to help her move house.
"I am a Championship manager but you mustn't treat it like the actual computer game, 'Championship Manager'."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson after the 2-2 draw with QPR in, you guessed it, the Championship.
"If I was to declare an interest in this job the Tartan Army would string me up."
Scotland boss Alex McLeish on why he won't be vacating his job any time soon, despite a recent approach from a Premier League club.
"You don't like Batesy and you don't particularly like me, but at the end of the day... you've got us."
Dennis Wise tells Leeds fans how it is.
"I will probably get a lot of sticks again this season."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson twigs what's going on.
"Jens changed his mind but wasn't quick enough to respond to his brain."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger on the howler by keeper Jens Lehmann that allowed David Healy to fire Fulham in front at the Emirates.
"I was excited and it takes a lot to get me excited... ask my wife!"
Roy Keane is so excited - and he just can't hide it after Sunderland's opening day win over Spurs.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057250_keano203jpg.jpg)
Keano just couldn't stop smiling
"I'm very happy inside but what do you want me to do? Jump on the table? Strip?"
Well, he's smiling on the inside anyway.
"All the manager said was 'Well done and I will see you at 10am for training'."
Goal hero Michael Chopra confirms Roy's elated state of mind.
"I'll celebrate with a green tea and a chocolate biscuit."
At least Keano will be partying in the wild manner of old.
"Entertaining? Too much!"
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho after the roller-coaster 3-2 win over Birmingham.
"Don't turn your back on the wall. Get hit in the b*******, get hit in the nose, get hit in the gob, knock your f****** crowns out. I'm not bothered what you do but do not take it on the a*** and let it spin into the top corner of the goal, which is what happened."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy takes Watford's late free kick equaliser well. And don't get him started on their last-minute winner.
"What was wrong with us? Apart from the fact that we couldn't defend properly and we couldn't attack properly..."
Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd was delighted to come away from Molineux with three points.
"He's a crafty old devil."
Sam Allardyce after Sir Alex Ferguson tipped Newcastle to finish in the top four this season.
"I was made to stand on a chair and sing Lulu's 'Shout' to the lads as part of the initiation... it was only after I'd finished - and they'd stopped laughing - that I found out I was the only new player to do it."
Bristol City new boy Lee Trundle is singing from a different hymn sheet to the rest of his team-mates.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Chick Young: "Lee, has that yellow card had been rescinded?"
Lee Wallace: "No, it's been taken away."
Chick Young's post-match interview with Lee Wallace after the Aberdeen-Hearts game. (Carina, Scotland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057274_greatwhite270.jpg)
Liverpool have got some bite up front
"Liverpool are moving forward with all the menace of a Great White off the Cornish Coast."
Steve Wilson commentating on Liverpool attacking against Aston Villa. (John Ossawy, N Ireland).
"The South African has got the hump about that, adopting the double teapot and staring around at the Indian players as if he's just got back from the shops to find them all naked in his living room."
Ben Dirs, TMS live text of England-India. (Zia Rahman, England).
"Both sides' supporters are singing the same chant - 'There's only one Keano' - which makes them both wrong, to be honest."
Match of the Day commentator during Sunderland-Spurs. (Roel Eggens, Netherlands).
"Diop should watch out, he could get a second booking for time-wasting after that shot."
Setanta commentator after Papa Bouba Diop's shot goes miles wide against Arsenal. (David, USA).
"There's the buffet ball by James Anderson. Help yourself!"
David Lloyd after Anderson got hit for four against India. (Ben Aynsley, England).
"It was one of them 90-minute games."
Matt Oakley after his first game in the Premier League for Derby. (Daniel Grey, Middlesbrough).
"That's a prime example of a player putting their team before their family!"
MOTD commentator when Villa's Craig Gardner saved a Liverpool shot with his wedding tackle. (Bucko, UK).
"Look at the replay and you'll see that Sean Lamont totally exposes himself."
Pundit's comment as Scotland concede a try to Ireland. (Brian, U.A.E.).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057289_svenserious203.jpg)
I'm back - and this time it's serious
"Sven's back in the firing squad."
Lee Dixon on Football Focus, implying that Manchester City's opponents had better watch out for stray bullets! (David Sims, England).
"Danny Brown is on thin ice now, and on a hot day that's not where you want to be."
BBC Radio Cambridgeshire commentator Mark Johnson during Cambridge United's 2-1 win at York. (Chris, England).
"If you're going to get in behind Rio Ferdinand you've got to show him what you've got and then go in hard."
Jamie Redknapp summarising Florent Malouda's goal in the Community Shield. (Chris, England).
"It's going to be hard enough breaking into the team, let alone the squad."
Chelsea's Steve Sidwell on Football Focus. (Adam G, UK).
"A piece of breaking news, that trumpet is a cornet. Some more breaking news, its a soprano trumpet. I'm also being told it could be a B-flat cornet. But we do, in fact, know that it is not a guitar, a grand piano or a cello."
David Gower puzzles about the trumpeter's instrument on day two of the Test at The Oval, much to the amusement of co-commentator Ravi Shastri. (Steve, England).
"Vaughan looks as if he's just been told that he can't go and play golf with his mates because he's got to pick up his mother-in-law from the airport."
Ben Dirs's comedy commentary on the BBC website. (Ade O'Connor, Harrow).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057292_huddlestone270.jpg)
Don't mess with Huddo
"If you were a mosquito, would you take on Tom Huddlestone? I'd stay well clear!"
BBC London commentator on Tom Huddlestone's ever-increasing physique before the Sunderland-Spurs match. (Joe Garod, London).
"We can beat the best on our day but we can also put in some pretty sub-standard performances and that is what we are looking to do."
England's chairman of selectors, David Graveney, doesn't quite say what he means while announcing the squad for the NatWest Series against India. (Fauzia M, Tanzania).
"Someone should be hung. Whoever is responsible should be hung and shot at dawn in the morning. I'll do the shooting."
Craig Johnston on Sky Sports talking about the problem with football's youth development in England. (Ana Ysabel Bernabéu, Buenos Aires, Argentina).
"And as we say in Australia, they've got a lot to do."
Said by a co-commentator during the Derbyshire - Leicestershire Pro40 cricket match. So they only say that in Australia, do they? (Bill, Derbyshire).
"Nothing will take the record away from Bonds now, until someone else breaks it that is."
606 user '355gts' on Barry Bonds becoming the all-time home runs leader. (Adam Prater, England).
"Sometimes I feel like we've all gone out and bought a cemetery - and everyone's stopped dying."
NRL's Cronulla Sharks coach Ricky Stuart following his team's seventh loss on the trot. (Joe Eizenberg, Bristol).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057323_orangutanfootball203.jpg)
And in goal for Hibs...
"He didn't have his body behind that one but luckily he has arms like an orangutan."
Stuart Lovell commenting on the new Hibs goalie during the Edinburgh derby. (Rowan Smith, Scotland).
"What, you mean in the Tottenham reserves?"
Steve Bruce's reply to Hossam Ghaly when Ghaly told him they didn't do running at Tottenham during training. (Chris Myles, England).
"Look's like Piniella's trying his hardest to get Wood."
ESPN commentator Jon Miller as the Chicago Cubs manager recalls Kerry Wood after a lengthy injury lay-off. (Gary Hall, UK).
"Evra's literally left him for dead there."
Jamie Redknapp during the half-time break in the Community Shield. Seems a bit harsh! (Jon Norman, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Santa Cruz is coming to town!"
Blackburn fans welcome new striker Roque Santa Cruz. (Mark, England).
"Easy! Easy!"
Reading fans celebrate after their opening-day draw at Old Trafford. (Stuart, Reading).
"The referee's a steward!"
Sung by both Reading and Brighton fans as the official was forced to wear a bib due to Reading's black kit. (Tom, England).
"Are you stewards in disguise?"
Manchester United fans to all the Chelsea fans in their new day-glo away shirts in the Community Shield. (Alfred Jordan, United Kingdom).
"Bring on the Spice Girls."
Toronto FC fans as David Beckham's LA Galaxy made their substitutes. (G Goose, Canada).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44057000/jpg/_44057358_spicegirls203.jpg)
Coming on for the Galaxy... Old Spice
"I predict a diet!"
Sung by Spurs fans to a particularly rotund Torino fan in a recent friendly at the Lane. (Adam Cousins, England).
A little bit of Collins in our lives
A little bit of Kightly down the sides
A little bit of Keogh's what we need
A little bit of Jarvis with his speed
A little bit of Breeny in defence
A little bit of Murray he's immense
A little bit of cheering from the fans
A little bit of McCarthy he's our man!
Sung by Wolves fans v Reading. (Jack, England).
"There's only one Carlos Tevez."
Forest fans to their Sheffield United counterparts during the recent friendly. (Michael Jones, Nottingham).
"Stand up if you hate West Ham."
Sung by Blades fans at the opening match of the season. (Claire Rhodes, Kettering).
"Monty is an Indian, Monty is an Indian... la, la, la, la, la!"
Sung by India fans to Monty Panesar at Trent Bridge. (Kab Bains, England).
"We're going to win the league!"
Optimistic Leeds fans after their opening-day win at Tranmere. Another four in a row and they'll reach the giddy heights of nil points. (John, UK).
"You're just a bus-stop in Surrey."
Preston fans not quite grasping the concept of local geography when chanting to Norwich City fans on the opening day of the new season. (Sam Clark, England).
"Do you work at B&Q?"
Sung by Leicester fans as they met orange-clad Blackpool in their opening fixture. (James Flynn, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"We sing better than your wife."
DC United fans have a dig at David Beckham during the LA Galaxy game. (John McKelvie, Scotland).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
"If my missus went to Spain and I saw pictures of her I would be gutted but I'd always realise she would come back. She speaks French, Dutch, English, but not Spanish, so she couldn't talk to the b****r. So she would come back to me."
Martin Jol's cryptic message after Tottenham officials allegedly flew out to Spain for a meeting with representatives of Sevilla coach Juande Ramos.
"There's a fine line between loyalty and stupidity and, no doubt, I've been stupid. It won't happen again."
Roy Keane has a pop at himself after Sunderland's 3-0 defeat at Wigan.
"It's disappointing to be dropped from any team - even my mates' fantasy league team!''
West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green on his England squad omission.
"I had more fun staying in a tent than a five-star hotel."
Jenson Button gets his feet back on the ground following a camping trip to France.
"I feel like Dick Turpin after getting away with a highway robbery."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy after seeing his side stand and deliver against Blackpool, despite being "rubbish".
"I had 18 players at Brentford and 20 at MK Dons, but when you see all the players run out at training here it's like a scene from Zulu!"
Martin Allen compares the size of his Leicester squad to the Michael Caine epic...not a lot of people knew that.
"I don't remember Mansell's incident - I was only one!"
Lewis Hamilton after journalists likened his puncture in Istanbul to Nigel Mansell's blow-out in 1986, which cost him the world title.
"Tim's probably thinking 'every time I show up for a Grand Slam I play this clown'."
Dmitry Tursonov ahead of his first round clash with Tim Henman at the US Open - the Briton's last Grand Slam event. Tursonov has already beaten him in three previous slams.
"It's still in my body and I'll have to pass it at sometime but my passing's absolutely diabolical. That's what I told the doctor: "What chance have I got of passing anything - did you see me play?!"
Plymouth manager Ian Holloway speaks about his kidney stone in his BBC column.
"As soon as we won the penalty, my mind flashed back to 1999 when it was Bergkamp versus Schmeichel. Now it was another Dutchman against his son. I was hoping history would not repeat itself, but it did. I just hope I don't come up against his grandson."
Arsene Wenger after seeing Kasper Schemichel save Robin van Persie's penalty, eight years after the old man denied Dennis Bergkamp in the FA Cup semi-final replay.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I've come to Middlesbrough for the shopping."
New signing Mido responding to Roy Keane's comments on WAGs. (Ian McD, Cumbria).
"Tremlett it was with the dive, but he got down to that like a arthritic giraffe on rollerskates."
Ben Dirs, live cricket commentary - creative as ever! (Mark Worrall, England).
"That was two-thirds of the way towards being a half-decent jump."
Jonathan Edwards confusing everyone with maths during the athletics World Championships. (David Berry, England).
"He always seems to do the most simple things the hard way - if he was building a house he would start with the roof."
Dennis Cometti on Australian TV describing an AFL player. (John Ellen, Australia).
"Don't make me laugh!"
Honda F1 driver Rubens Barrichello to his mechanic who had (accurately) claimed team-mate Jenson Button was two seconds per lap faster than him. (Phil, England).
"I know, I look like Amy Winehouse!"
Shrewsbury player Dave Hibbert after supporters commented on his black eye. (Sam Morris, Shrewsbury).
"Nothing bread and butter about it, it was covered in jam."
Sky Sports commentator after Nani's strike against Spurs. (Craig Killah, Scotland).
"Mark Viduka brings the ball down on his thing, twists round his old team-mate and slams the volley home."
Charlie Henderson's live football commentary on your website. (Jess, Australia). After a punter texted in, Charlie admitted 'Ahem, that was supposed to be thigh' -Ed.
"I like the track, I like the place, the country, the city and especially the track."
Ferrari driver Felipe Massa on Istanbul. Reckon he likes the track? (Chris Humphris, London).
''I am a man of few words but I always speak my mind."
Gabriel Heinze upon being unveiled at the Bernabeu. Can he ever make his mind up? (Gareth Hussey, England).
"I'd like to think we could beat them but then again, we do tend to struggle against teams in the bottom half."
Man City fan on last Saturday's Football Focus talking about the Manchester derby. How long was he waiting to use that one?! (Pat, Ireland).
"Sheffield United beat the f*** out of West Brom today. Go Blades! I'm just caught up in the Blades fever!"
Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Flea, pledges his allegiance to the Blades on stage at Reading Festival. (Chris H, United Kingdom).
"Manchester Unit... Sorry, Manchester City, are top of the table tonight..."
Old habits die hard for 5live reporter. (Mr G, England).
"Both keepers seem to be suffering from confidence."
Alan Shearer giving a mis-diagnosis during England's game with Germany. (Mark Davidson, England).
"I want to ask the Premier League why it was so difficult for Liverpool to sign Javier Mascherano, but so easy for Carlos Tevez to join Man Utd?"
Rafa Benitez. Errrr, is that the Tevez transfer that took all summer? (Paul McCarthy, England).
"You know it's your day when you dive two-handed and stick your other hand out to take the catch."
Alistair 'three hands' Cook on his brilliant catch at the Rose Bowl. (Paddy, Wilts, UK).
"The only thing Cook did wrong was look so suprised after taking the catch."
Vic Marks on TMS after Cook's catch. (Daniel Grey, England).
"Monty ain't no Jonty."
Sky Sports commentator Ravi Shastri. Hmm, possibly not but it was still a good throw to take out Ganguly during the first ODI between England and India. (Jo Hill, England).
"We are not Superman."
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez. That's cleared that up, then. (Ahad, UK).
"You've got to lose to win."
Roy Keane after Sunderland lost 3-0 to Wigan. (Bill, Derbyshire).
"Manchester United have a free kick on the edge of the corner box."
Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday. Legend. (Chris Murray, England).
"Sidebottom, who has a sidestrain, has been sidelined for this match."
All India Radio commentator for the first ODI between India and England. (Shodan. A.R., India).
"I heard a snap, I heard a snap!"
Shouted by MK Dons full back Gareth Edds whilst rolling around in agony. It took a word from another player informing him that it was his shinpad that broke to get the hardman back to his feet. (Ed Finn, UK).
"I thought Frank Lampard was going to follow through then!"
John Motson during the first half commentary of the England v Germany game. (Kris Jones, Neath, South Wales).
''Sometime in the season we will have unluck, as you say.''
Sven Goran-Eriksson after the Manchester derby. (Luke Merali-Hosiene, England).
"We're in second place. We're in pole position."
David Healy talks up Northern Ireland's chances of Euro 2008 qualification. (Steve Owen, Ireland).
"Whatever happened to Bolton's 'up-your-bum' football?"
Radio 5live reporter following Bolton's 3-0 win against Reading. (Jack Colohan, Wales).
"Falkirk play some good football, they don't sit back and defend."
Walter Smith trying to give some unconvincing praise to Falkirk after Rangers scored seven past them - at least he got the second part right! (Chris Rosie, England).
"Taylor's carried his left foot from one side of the pitch to the other."
Sky commentator Peter Drury during Portsmouth v Bolton - nice one Peter! (Richard Ewart, Australia).
"And just as England looked in command, we're back to 1-1."
John Motson pointing out that every football match starts with a 1-1 scoreline. (Gary Robertson, Scotland).
"They're only human."
Geoff Billington talking about Ellen Whittaker's horse Locarno at the European Show Jumping Championships. (Rosie, UK).
"A moth the size of a pigeon has just gone into the floodlight - they never learn, do they?"
BBC Radio London commentator on the Sparta Prague v Arsenal game. (Paul Worley, England).
"The reason for my beard is that over the summer I lost my razor."
Rafa Benitez extinguishing any superstition-related reasons for his new-look appearance. (Rob, England).
"You can't worry about what your hair looks like rather than the result."
York City Manager Billy McEwan on the prospect of the Minstermen being on TV. (Andy Cole, England).
"I will make Birmingham the biggest club in the world!"
Carson Yeung on the impact he intends to make if he becomes Birmingham chairman. (Alex, England).
"Santa Cruz did very well there to get in between the defenders and get offside."
Kevin Gallacher commentating on Blackburn Rovers v MyPa Habib on Channel 5. (Lodal).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"It's neat, it's weird, it's Rafa's goatee beard!"
Liverpool fans salute the great man's strange growth. (Dylan Knight, England).
"You're not fit to referee."
Boro fans to referee Lee Mason as he limped from the pitch to be replaced. (Michael Briggs, England).
"You're too fat to referee!"
Blackburn fans to tubby official Alan Wiley after a shocking performance against Arsenal. (Danny Roberts, England).
"Get the Chelsea out of Leeds!"
Sung by Leeds fans when Tore Andre Flo came on against Southend - five minutes later he scored! (Joe Green, England).
"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Saints fans singing at their away-day to Norwich. (Simon Carter, England).
"Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya wish ya keeper was Craig Gordon? Don't ya!"
Sunderland fans chant at Liverpool match (To the tune of "Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls) (Owen Mitchell, England).
"Petr Cech has got his hat on,
Hip-hip-hip-hip-hooray,
Petr Cech has got his hat on,
'Cos without it he can't play!"
Sung by my girlfriend (Jessica Hadwin) every time that Chelsea are playing. (Phil Emberton, England).
"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be, We're going to wembley, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans at 0-0 against Wolves.
"Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be, Were going to Shrewsbury, Que sara sara."
Bradford fans 10 mins later after going 2-0 down. (Liam Chew).
"**** off back to London."
Man City fans to Man United fans.
"**** off back to Stockport."
Man United fans reply. (Hayder Khan, England).
"Steve Maclean, Steve Maclean.
Does whatever a Steve Maclean does.
Can he shoot? Can he score?
'Course he can 'cause he's a goal machine.
Look out, for Steve Maclean."
Cardiff fans welcome Maclean's first Cardiff goal at QPR with this Simpsons Movie-themed chant. (Leigh, Wales).
"Score in October, we're gonna score in October!"
Forest fans singing at Swansea. (Michael Jones, England).
"We'd rather go to Rhyl!"
Wolves fans to their Blackpool counterparts in the 2-1 win at Molineux. (Martin Wall, England).
"You're just a **** Gareth Bale!"
Spurs fans to Ryan Giggs. (Dale Lloyd, England).
"He's only four foot tall."
Forest fans to Dennis Wise. (Mike, England).
"You only sing when youre rowing!"
Cambridge fans singing to Oxford. (James).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Scorer for Kilmarnock, number 16 Dick Turpin."
Fir Park announcer When Kilmarnock striker Rhian Dodds scored a last-minute winner against Motherwell in a game which the Well totally dominated. (Gerry Creechan, Scotland).
Stan Lazaridis er utestengt i 12 måneder for ulovlig bruk av antiskallethetsmiddel.
http://www.vg.no/pub/vgart.hbs?artid=157434
"Han har hele tiden vært redd for å bli oppfattet som en juksemaker.
- Jeg vil slå fast at jeg alltid har lagt vekt på å være redelig. Jeg ville aldri oppnå noen fordel på noen måte."
Da lurer jeg på et par ting:
- Hvorfor bruker han et middel han tror ikke virker
- Om det også er forbudt med tupé på fotballbanen
- Om Steve Stone kunne forlenget sin karriære om han hadde brukt samme middel
Trenge vel for fakerten ikkje ha nåken signatur heller eg, vel! [:D]
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44093000/jpg/_44093955_heskey270.jpg)
What we have been missing: Emile Heskey in action for England
"I have to admit it comes as a bit of a surprise."
Emile Heskey echoes the thoughts of many England fans as he celebrates being called up to the squad for the first time since Euro 2004.
"He's had a few headlines this week. Some welcome, some unwelcome"
Villa boss Martin O'Neill sums up Zat Knight's week perfectly after the defender signed for his boyhood favourites, got banged up in a cell for a night and then scored against Chelsea on his debut.
"It's a bit like a marriage. You want to do things in life but if you don't have anyone to share it with then it's just not as fulfilling."
Gareth Southgate takes an original line in trying to lure the crowds back to the Riverside Stadium.
"It was so hot out there, if I had been able to run naked I would have. Unfortunately I could not because I knew my 10-year-old daughter would be watching."
New marathon world champion, 35-year-old Catherine Ndereba after winning gold in the heat of Osaka.
"I've really slowed down on my shopping for once in my life. We went out the other day and I bought a pair of shoes. Finally I don't need anything."
At the age of 27, Venus Williams has everything she needs.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"There was an unprecedented opportunity to see silverware at St James's Park....as Durham paraded the Friends Provident Trophy!"
Gary Lineker ahead of the Newcastle game on Match of the Day. (Jer, England)
"And that's a lifetime best. It must be one of the best runs of her life."
Paul Dickinson on the BBC at the Athletics World Championships. (Matt Meads, UK
"They looked like a team that came here to lose."
Ray Houghton on RTE commentating on the Liverpool v Toulouse game. (Andy, Ireland)
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44094000/jpg/_44094178_schmeichel270.jpg)
Schmeichel has progressed thanks to father-figure Peter. Or is that his father?
"I think Peter Schmeichel will be a father-figure for Kasper."
Jamie Redknapp (with quite possibly the best quote so far this season - ed). (Daniel Walters, United Kingdom).
"They haven't got that player around the box with a bit of guile, that can open a can of worms."
Another Paul Merson classic.... everyone wants to open a can of worms eh, Paul? (Andrew Rawcliffe, England)
"That'll be a real shot in the arm for British athletics."
Steve Cram after Christine Ohuruogu won the 400m (she was banned for missing three drugs tests) (Peter, England and others).
"We showed today what a good team we are...in a footballing sense."
Some coleman's balls from Blackburn manager Mark Hughes.(Alex Kealy, UK).
"We should have killed them and buried them."
Billy Davies going a bit over the top with his post match comments. (Scott Kenny, England).
"He wasn't born, he was chiselled out of an oak tree."
Classic comment by Alan Green on Five Live about Spurs' Tom Huddlestone during the Man Utd v Spurs game on Sunday. (Claire B, UK).
"The best goalkeepers make the saves."
Mark Lawrenson stating the obvious once again!! (James Rance, Swanage, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44094000/jpg/_44094285_mozart_203.jpg)
A fine composition: Mozart puts the boos behind him at Celtic
"Celtic fans are booing Mozart as he goes to take this corner, but that will be music to his ears".
BBC1 Scotland commentator during the Spartak Moscow v Celtic game. (Gwiggs, Ayrshire).
"Watching Stoke reminds me of a teenagers bedroom: untidy, not particularly nice on the eye but serves a purpose."
BBC Radio commentator reporting on the Stoke v Wolves match on Saturday. (Sam Brownsword, England)
"It's like a James Bond film where you think, why doesn't the villain kill him? - and then eventually he comes back to bite them."
Lawrie Sanchez's take on his side's 3-3 draw against Spurs. (Jonathan Moffitt, N.Ireland).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're gonna win 7-6! We're gonna win 7-6!"
Chanted by Derby fans during their demolition by Liverpool. (Gary, England).
"Eriksson wins with video stars"
City fans at the Manchester derby sing to the tune of Buggles 'Video Killed the Radio Star'. (Jon Thorne, England).
"What time's your Easyjet?"
Arsenal chant at home to Sparta Prague fans at the end of 3-0 win. (Katie, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44094000/jpg/_44094313_funfair203.jpg)
Watford fans had a fun day out until they went to the football!
''Toulouse! You lose!!''
Liverpool fans chant at Toulouse fans after winning 4-0 at Anfield. (Aneesh Kumar, England).
"Did you eat, did you eat, did you eat Barry Fry?"
Cambridge United fans to the portly Farsely Celtic 'keeper. (Drew Gray, UK).
"You must've come on a pony"
Gloucester City fans away at Bashley. (Simon, Gloucester, England).
"South Stand give us a song"
Hull fans ask the completely empty south stand for a song. (Joe Barry, England).
"Sink in the boat race! We hope you sink in the boat race!"
Woking fans to their Cambridge counterparts. (Graeme, England).
"Blackwell, give us a wave, Blackwell, Blackwell give us a wave."
Luton fans to their manager Kevin Blackwell once 3-0 up against Sunderland.
"Blackwell out!"
Two minutes later when Blackwell didn't respond.(Sam Dear, England).
"You're just a small town in Loughborough".
Leicester City fans teasing Nottingham Forest supporters at the City Ground on Tuesday. (John, Rugby, UK).
"Two King Arthurs! There's only two King Arthurs"
Heard sung by one of the many happy Celtic fans walking along London Road after Artur Boruc's penalty saves earn a Champions League win over Spartak Moscow (Ewan McTaggart, Scotland).
"Stayed at the fun fair, we should have stayed at the fun fair."
Watford fans after going 2-0 down to Southend.(Gordon, England).
"You only sing when you're fishing."
Burnley fans at their recent cup tie against Grimsby.(James Strother, United Kingdom).
"You only sing when you're swimming!"
Hartlepool fans at Hillsborough after going 1-0 up.(Dan, England).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"If there is a qualified referee in the ground please can he make himself known to a steward."
PA at half-time at Craven Cottage during Fulham v Boro game during which the referee and linesman had a nightmare. (Smollett, England)
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108862_rio270.jpg)I knew we should have gone for Uncle Ben's
"It was a sense of numbness really - how the hell are we out of this World Cup? It even got to the point where there were weird ideas - maybe if we'd had brown rice rather than white."
Rio Ferdinand reflects on England's 2006 World Cup exit.
"As a player, he was a ranter and a raver. But I think he's taken it back a bit. He's just a ranter now."
Sunderland's Paul McShane on manager Roy Keane, who no longer throws shapes to loud dance music in a smiley-miley t-shirt, apparently.
"Even my sister asked me whether I'd left."
Derby striker Robert Earnshaw on the speculation linking him with a move, a few weeks after signing for the Rams.
"Beckham thought that a celebrity lifestyle, being drawn increasingly into the showbiz world of wife Victoria, was compatible with the regime of a professional footballer. His manager did not."
Sir Bobby Charlton - not a fan of Posh.
"He was never a problem until he got married."
Sir Alex Ferguson concurs.
"In the last two days, people were more congratulating me for the impressions than for the tennis. I was wondering, I am here for the impressions, the entertainment, or to play tennis?"
Novak Djokovic makes a good impression on the fans for his take-offs of fellow players.
"At 4.15 am, my coach and me walked into McDonald's."
David Ferrer gets the munchies after finishing his US Open match with Rafael Nadal at 2am.
"I'm now out there spending someone else's money, which is brilliant! I feel like I've died and gone to heaven!"
Peterborough director of football Barry Fry on the joys of no longer owning the club.
"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the World Cup."
What Robbie Savage reportedly told Wales manager John Toshack. At least he's not bitter.
"When I took his wicket I just said a quiet thank you to the man upstairs."
Monty Panesar needed the big man on side to take out the Little Master in the sixth one-dayer.
"Ray Clemence has got more chance of starting a game than me at the moment."
Scott Carson on his chances of playing for England.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108872_fatherchristmas270.jpg)
Now where's that ton you promised me?
"Rob Burrow and Danny McGuire bet me £100 I couldn't go eight weeks without shaving - it's the easiest £100 I am ever going to earn."
Leeds Rhinos star Keith Senior does not mind the odd hairy moment.
"I got out of Bolton quick. The weather and English football were not for me. The forwards used to tackle me, a defender. I did not understand."
As Vincent Candela announces his retirement, he reveals why he left Bolton in 2005.
"It was probably good entertainment if you were not on the receiving end."
David Bentley on being booed during his full England debut after pulling out of the European under-21 tournament.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"England aren't the same team as four years ago, they haven't got big Johnsons."
Presenter on Ireland's Newstalk Radio, talking about the Rugby World Cup. (Enda Scahill, Galway).
Chris Waddle: "I would like to see Bentley brought on for the last 20 minutes."
Mike Ingham: "12 minutes left here at Wembley..."
Radio 5live coverage of England v Israel. (Phil, North Shields, UK).
"Not what Northern Ireland wanted. Nigel Worthington had targeted at least four points from this match."
No wonder Northern Ireland struggled in Latvia when set a task like that! (Andy Croft, England).
"Good name for Scrabble."
Mark Lawrenson, commenting on Israel's left back, Yoav Ziv. (Pete Stevens, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108878_argentinaanthem203.jpg)
Scary stuff
"If there's one sight more frightening that the Argentinian front row, it's the Argentinian front row singing."
Welsh language television commentator after the anthems of the opening match in the Rugby World Cup. (Seiriol Hughes, Wales).
"Olly Barkley puts out. And he puts out well!"
ITV Commentator knows nothing about rugby but seems to know Olly Barkley intimately. (Stuart Drennan, Ireland).
"Twiddle the knob around until something new comes up."
Jonathan Agnew when telling listeners how to listen to cricket commentary on digital radio (during the final ODI). (Janiv Patel, UK).
"I dont think it was a high tackle, I just think Dominici was low."
ITV commentator in the France v Argentina game. (Daniel Grey, England).
"God told me to sign for Hull."
Jay-Jay Okocha on why he went to the KC stadium. (Anonymous).
"Antoine Sibierski and Titus Bramble are going back to their old ground, where Sibierski was a cult hero, and Bramble...was not."
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday. (Tom, UK).
"Two unanswered goals from the Galaxy answered by two unanswered goals from New York."
Commentary from America on the LA Galaxy v New York Red Bulls game. (Gregory Bortkiewicz, Brighton).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108892_raver_tracey203.jpg)Don't do it, kids
"He's blown his whistle more times than a drunken raver!"
One of the pundits on Final score about the Wigan v Newcastle game. (Dom S, UK).
"Mozart is pulling all the strings tonight."
Alex McLeish in the studio during the Celtic-Spartak match on BBC Scotland. (Jason, Ireland).
"They'll be all right. They'll be safe."
Roy Keane when asked about Man U's prospects for the season. (Jack, Ireland).
"Peter Crouch has such a great touch he could bring down a shot put."
Clive Tyldesley - Liverpool v Toulouse second leg. (Chris, Oldham).
"I don't know what the opposite of divisive is, but I'm the opposite of divisive."
Lawrence Dallaglio responding to Gaby Logan when asked what he thought about criticism aimed at him. (Clair, England).
"How about Zat!"
Match of the Day commentator after Zat Knight scores against Chelsea. (Will B, UK).
"...and now over to the rowing and commentary on the men's cockless fours..."
Gaby Logan on her Saturday morning radio show. (Pete Stevens, UK).
"Sanders came storming down the final straight like a house on fire."
Michael Johnson during the athletics World Championship. (David Armstrong, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108927_jasonleonard203.jpg)
Who's going to argue with Leonard's Law?
"I think rugby is self-regulating, you don't really need a referee. If someone belts me I'll belt them back, sort of thing."
Rugby legend Jason Leonard on our community radio station. (John Lee, Australia).
"Peter Crouch watches from his seat as The Reds go 1-0 up, something he'll have to get used to this season."
Angus Deayton on TV show Hell's Kitchen as Peter Crouch was a guest in the restaurant. (Patrick Shields, Ireland).
"If you get two points from every game you win it by a street."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy talking about what you need to win the Championship - he obviously needs to be taught how the points scoring system works. (Conrad Edkins, England).
"I am here to get to get the job done and I'm not making any predictions...I just know that come the end of the fight I will be WBC champion."
Vivian Harris not making any predictions ahead of his fight against Junior Witter. Which he lost - Ed. (Julian, UK).
"For those not too familiar with Luke Wright he looks like the kind of bloke you'd be eyeing carefully if you let your missus out of sight during a night out."
Pranav Soneji on BBC Sport website's cricket commentary. (Dylan Knight, Sheffield).
"Nice start from the leggie, who looks like the model student, the kind of bloke you would ask if you could borrow his notes because your hangover ensured you would have no chance in hell of making your 9am lecture."
A great comment on the England-India 6th ODI from the BBC commentator. (Tom Waring, England).
"He bowled two overs, two maidens, and he's also not gone for any runs."
Charles Colville, struggling to understand a maiden while commentating on Kent v Surrey. (Alex Davis, England).
"What we have to do now is tinkle with the little bits."
Scott Murray, Scotland lock, talking about improving after the defeat to South Africa. (Gareth Godfrey, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108938_mascarenhas203.jpg)The joy of six
"Danger-anus Mascarenhas!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd after Mascarenhas hit the fourth of his five sixes against India. (Ryan, Australia).
"It's a nice leg. A little too hairy for my taste, but it's a nice leg."
Commentator Taylor Dent admiring Fabrice Santoro's legs while the trainer was massaging them. (Hesham Mourad, Egypt).
"This is a game Serena could either win or lose depending on how she plays." US Open commentator before Serena Williams v Justine Henin. (Ashley, USA).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Oh you can freeze 500 million, and you can freeze 500 more, Cos Thaksin's got another billion underneath his bedroom floor, SHIN-A-WATRA SHIN-A-WATRA!"
Chant of the season so far, from Man City fans to the tune of The Proclaimers' "500 miles". Genius. (Denis, Germany).
"Where's your caravan?"
Port Vale fans to long-haired ex-player Danny Sonner at Walsall. (Griff, England).
Three more points to go then we get to zero (to the tune of '10 Men Went To Mow').
Leeds fans on getting to minus three points. (Graeme Garvey, England).
"Zero! Zero! Zero!"
Leeds fans after their two-goal win over Hartlepool took them back to zero points! (Sam Johnston, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108951_eltonjohn203.jpg)
God save the queen
''Elton, Elton he is the queen of Vicarage Road!''
The Watford faithful take a break from hailing Marlon as the King of Vicarage Road and acknowledge Elton John in the crowd. (David Smith, England).
"We've only got 10 men."
Wigan fans at St James's Park.
"You've only got 10 fans!"
Newcastle fans' response. (Glen, UK).
The Premier League is upside down, The Premier League is upside down, We're in the Champions League with Derby, and Liverpool are going down."
Sung by Reading fans after successive 3-0 defeats. (James Bucknall, Republic of Berkshire).
"Pardew, is a Palace fan."
After Charlton manager Alan Pardew responded to home chants of "Pardew give us a wave" at the South London derby. (Tom Ball, UK).
"Batman is a Kopite."
Liverpool fans in the Kop as two bats circled and darted in and out of the stand during the Toulouse game. (Greg, England).
"They tried to make me sign for Celtic, but I said No, No, No!"
Sung by Rangers fans on Saturday v Gretna about new signing Steven Naismith, to the tune of Amy Winehouse's Rehab. (Boyd Pearson, Scotland).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Mr John Smith your wife is waiting under the scoreboard, it's your turn to feed the baby."
During Leicester Tigers match. (Dennis Blackburn, England).
"Smoking is banned in the stadium but if you are desperate ask a steward for a nicotine patch."
Bristol Rovers stadium announcer before the home game against Crewe. (Ed Blackwell, UK).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44121000/jpg/_44121632_mourinhoofficials270.jpg)
Anyone fancy a pint?
"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
Jose Mourinho is desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.
"I could feel immediately the movement. To somebody that understands the game and feels the football, smells the situation, it was obvious."
Mourinho has senses working overtime after a dodgy offside flag denies Chelsea a goal against Blackburn.
"I would be happy if the league was finished now!"
Man City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson after their 1-0 win against Aston Villa lifted them to second place.
"I jokingly asked (Mercedes Motorsport boss) Norbert Haug if he was going to chip in half, but we haven't come to a conclusion on that negotiation yet."
A bit of gallows humour from Ron Dennis after McLaren's hefty £49.2m fine for 'Ferrari-gate'.
"My players travel more than Phileas Fogg in Around The World In 80 Days. Javier Mascherano had to play a friendly for Argentina in Australia. That must have been really important."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is a massive fan of international football.
"I'm very excited with this team because they are 'playerish' - if there is such a word - they love to play."
Arsene Wenger can't find the words to describe Arsenal, so he makes up a new one.
"He carries a little note book around with him. The lads will be having a conversation and he'll write down some of the words he hears. Five minutes later he is laughing to himself and that's when you know he has finally worked out what the boys have been saying to each other."
Norwich City's Darel Russell on Czech team-mate David Strihavka, who scored the winning goal against Crystal Palace.
"When he came off, I joked we had probably found his best place - on the bench! I thought he was going to belt me."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd on supersub Darius Henderson, who came on to sink Southampton.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44108000/jpg/_44108938_mascarenhas203.jpg)
Oh not, not you again
"I will never forget this man. I had a good look at him while he was belting away; he got me caught and bowled for 18 and when I went for Paul Collingwood's charity dinner later in the evening, I saw him there as well. I told him: 'You are here too? I don't want to see you anymore!'"
India's Yuvraj Singh won't be volunteering to bowl against six-mad Dimitri Mascarenhas in the Twenty20 World Cup after being taken to the cleaners in the ODI.
"He is a very big boy - I wouldn't like to be paying his food bills!"
USA rugby coach Peter Thorburn on man mountain Henry Bloomfield ahead of the World Cup clash with England.
"When you see a performance like that, you hope you never see anything like it again."
England coach Brian Ashton is glad his team got their bad performance out of the way against the USA. Ahem.
"If she is in a good mood, she brings a lot. It is about trying to keep her in a good mood. I said to her: 'I know it's your way or the highway. We're trying to make it your way so we don't all end up on the highway."'
Solheim Cup captain Helen Alfredsson on how to solve a problem like Laura Davies.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Phil Neville has a facial problem."
BBC Radio 5live stating the obvious at the Everton-Man Utd match. (Richard Salguero, UK).
"The game against England will be a totally different game. England is good in defence and plays well man to man."
Germany coach Silvia Neid on the Women's World Cup game with England - shouldn't it be woman to woman? (Rick Knowler, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44121000/jpg/_44121722_eastenderspatshirley203.jpg)
Here's what you missed, Greeny
"This is torture. I could have been watching the EastEnders omnibus."
BBC 5live commentator Alan Green on the tedious first half of Man City v Aston Villa. (Darrell, UK).
"Paul Collingwood is proving to be a very good tosser."
Jonathan Agnew reporting before England v South Africa on Sunday. (Janiv Patel, England).
"Wednesday are pointless!"
Heard on BBC Radio Sheffield. (Rob, Sheffield).
"It's like the January sales - everything must go."
Graham Gooch, commentating on Bangladesh's flying start against South Africa in the Twenty20 World Cup. (Clare, London).
"London's a spiritual home for Ivanisevic - he was here when he won Wimbledon in 2001."
Commentator during Betfair Turbo Tennis. Where else are you going to be if you win Wimbledon? (Adam, United Kingdom).
"Andy Farrell was slow and disappointing - maybe the RFU should have invested in Northern Rock instead."
Welsh language television presenter after England v South Africa. (Seiriol Hughes, Wales).
"The Soviet...I mean Russian fans still think they've scored."
John Motson showing his age during the England-Russia match. (Joe Moriarty, England).
"It doesn't make sense to hand a place to a club based on a knockout competition, almost a one-off, when other clubs have shown quality over a full league season to get in the top four."
Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry. That's Liverpool, who qualified for the 2006 Champions League despite finishing outside the top four, after their success in a 'one-off cup'. (Gareth Aston, Scotland).
"When you try to compare the two teams there is no comparison."
Francois Pienaar in the Ireland v Namibia match. (Max Thompson, Chandlers Ford, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44121000/jpg/_44121768_garyjohnson203.jpg)
I'm very, very happy!
"It is very, very satisfying to be top. We knew Coventry had a game plan to get the ball forward to Dele Adebola very, very quickly. We had to compete and at the same time be very, very strong. It was a very, very good away performance."
Maybe somebody should introduce Bristol City boss, Gary Johnson, to the word 'extremely'? (Dave Rudd, UK).
"Fernando Alonso, as world champion, must feel entitled to have a man underneath him, as it were..."
Oo-er missus... David Croft , 5live commentary on Spa's Friday practice. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).
"Words in Spanish directed at my family, I understand perfectly well. As such when I reacted, it was the wrong reaction but sometimes even rational and normal people err."
The rational, normal, Luiz Felipe Scolari after lashing out at Serbian player 'Drago' Dragutinovic during the qualifier with Portugal. (Sammyd, Newton-le-Willows).
"Twenty minutes and you'll be like Bambi on ice"
Mark Lawrenson discussing England playing on a plastic pitch when they go to Moscow to face Russia. (Hugo van Zeller, England).
"Another six from Gibbs - the mood he's in now, he's gonna hit a seven!"
David Lloyd after Herschelle Gibbs hit a six in the game between South Africa and West Indies, leaving seven runs needed for victory. (Suraj Galsinh, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44121000/jpg/_44121906_kendoddticklingstick270.jpg)
Look out, scorers!
"Another batsman goes without tickling the scorers."
Ravi Shastri after Kenya's Steve Tikolo departs. (Adam, UK).
"Scotland are now two points clear of France at the bottom of Group B."
Seems the BBC reporter still can't quite cope with Scotland being top... (Nick Stokes, England).
"Zhirkov - Great Name."
Ian Wright on the Russian player, pronounced 'Jerkoff'. (Richard, England).
"That's good work from the Irish."
Donna Symonds commentating on the Scotland-Pakistan Twenty20 match after the Scots took a wicket. (Stuart Hunt, UK).
"This is the only track where the car needs such extreme downforce. The only other one is Canada...and America."
David Coulthard on ITV before the Italian Grand Prix. (Simon Butler, Isle of Wight).
"Peter Crouch is a big player for us."
England manager Steve McLaren. No doubt about it, Steve! (Mike, England).
Mark Petchey: "When you're as big as Roger Federer you need two agents."
Barry Cowan: "The only agent we have is a travel agent, and that was to get here!"
Banter between the British boys during the US Open. (Mickey, England).
"That was the loudest silent cheer I've ever done!"
Said by the female commentator just after England's women equalised in the World Cup against Japan! (Daniel Street, Wales).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44121000/jpg/_44121910_mcclarenvenables2203.jpg)
That's my boy!
"Is that his Dad?"
A sweet thought from my girlfriend upon seeing Venables sat next to McClaren during the England-Russia game. (Anthony Smith, England).
"He's a big man. He's big below the waist!"
NFL commentator during Chicago Bears' game at San Diego Chargers. (Robbo, England).
"That was one of the worst decisions I've ever seen. Obviously Maradona's handball was worse, but that was awful."
Terry Butcher on Sammy Moore's sending off for Brentford on Sunday. (Rik Scales, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're gonna deep-fry your croissants!"
Scotland fans singing to the French in Paris. (Andrew, Scotland).
"Can we play you every week?"
Scotland fans after seing their side beat France at the Parc des Princes. (Colin Asquith, UK).
"What the hell is Va Va Voom?!"
Scotland fans again. (Paul McKay, Scotland).
"It's just a big ******* pylon!"
Tartan Army underneath the Eiffel Tower before our famous victory. (Tony McDermott, Scotland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44122000/jpg/_44122733_brentdisco203.jpg)
Get your dancing shoes on
"Lets all have a disco!"
Carlisle United after taking the lead against Swansea.
"Let's go to their disco!"
Swansea fans five minutes later after going 2-1 up. (Bobby, Wales).
"Is your ground from B&Q?"
Charlton fans taunting Colchester about their tiny little ground. (Marc Deruelle, England).
"There's only one Teddy Sheringham....with a walking stick and a zimmer frame, Sheringham has peed himself again!"
Charlton fans at Colchester. (Matt, England).
"We're gonna win 6-5."
Sung in optimism by Inverness Caley fans after Celtic knocked in their fifth. (Stuart McAleese, England).
"He's only got nine toes!"
A small section of fans chanting to Steven Gerrard at the England-Russia game. (Tom W, UK).
"Malcolm Glazer's a football genius."
Sung by Clitheroe FC fans at the home game v FC United. Let's just say the United fans weren't too happy about it! (Oliver Collins, Burnley).
"The moon! You've never been to the moon!"
England fans to the Russians. Don't mention the fact that we haven't either... (Rich N, UK).
"It's just like being in church!"
Yeovil fans to quiet Swindon fans. (Dan Dixon, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Ron - do you want us to lend you a tenner?"
Seen at the Belgium Grand Prix after the spying scandal. (Kayleigh Beckman, England).
Football's best ever quotes
JOSE MOURINHO'S eggs-ellent omelette quote left fans wondering if the Chelsea boss is cracking up.
But his wacky outburst is just the latest in a long line of hilarious rants from the world of football.
Check out our list below for some of the craziest quotes from the bright sparks of the beautiful game.
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be dropped into the sea.â€
Eric Cantona after being sentenced to 100 hours community service for an attack on a Crystal Palace fan in 1995
“You don’t win anything with kids.â€
Alan Hansen after Manchester United fielded youngsters in the opening game of the season - and went on to win the Double
“Hello my sharks, welcome to the funeral.â€
Boss Claudio Ranieri greets the media before Chelsea's Champions League semi-final defeat against Monaco in 2004
“Young players are a bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100 per cent sure that the melon is good.
“Sometimes you have beautiful melons but they don’t taste very good and some other melons are a bit ugly and when you open them up, the taste is fantastic.
“One thing is youth football, one thing is professional football. The bridge is a difficult one to cross and they have to play with us and train with us to taste the melon. For example, Scott Sinclair - the way he played against Arsenal and Man United, we know the melon we have.â€
Jose Mourinho on the difficulties of bringing youth players through at Stamford Bridge
“I couldn’t settle in Italy â€" it was like living in a foreign country.â€
Ian Rush reveals the reason behind his failure at Juventus
“I tape over most of the player videos with Corrie or Neighbours. Most of them are crap. They can f***ing make anyone look good. I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn't show that on the video.â€
Harry Redknapp on the value of compilation videos
“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.â€
Ex-Aston Villa midfielder Mark Draper
“I never predict anything and I never will.â€
Paul Gascoigne
“Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper!â€
Harry Redknapp on ex-West Ham forward John Hartson
“The important thing was we got the three points.â€
Chelsea left-back Wayne Bridge after the Carling Cup Final win over Arsenal this year
“Do I not like that!â€
England boss Graham Taylor during the 2-0 defeat to Norway in 1993
“I spent most of my money on birds, booze and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.â€
George Best
“If you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we’ve got her in the taxi.â€
Boss Ian Holloway after QPR's victory against Chesterfield
“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Saturday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.â€
Ade Akinbiyi struggles with the concept of live football
“Germany are a very difficult team to play â€" they had 11 internationals out there today.â€
Northern Ireland midfielder Steve Lomas reveals how Germany beat them in 1999
“We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.â€
Boss Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup
“They're the second-best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that.â€
Kevin Keegan on Argentina
“What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio.â€
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis
“Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good.â€
Harry Redknapp on his old West Ham striker
“It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.â€
Ian Wright shows his admiration after Tony Adams reveals his drinking problem in 1996
“When a player gets to 30, so does his body.â€
Ex-England boss Glenn Hoddle on the fitness problems of older players
“I was a young lad when I was growing up.â€
Ex-Leeds boss David O’Leary
“Home advantage gives you an advantage.â€
Ex-Newcastle boss Bobby Robson
“We must have had 99 per cent of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match.â€
Ex-Chelsea boss Ruud Gullit gets his sums wrong
“Dani is so good-looking I don't know whether to play him or f*** him!â€
Harry Redknapp gets hot under the collar over West Ham’s ex-Portugal midfielder
“Paolo di Canio is capable of scoring the goal he scored.â€
Bryan Robson praises one of the Italian's strikes
“Very few of us have any idea of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl, except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish.â€
The wisdom of Graham Taylor knows no bounds
“Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I'm very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.â€
Ex-Liverpool manager Bill Shankly
The Sun
BBC: Quotes of the Week
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Take me back to dear old Blighty
"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you. They are just always there."
Barcelona striker Thierry Henry on his intimate relationship with the Spanish hacks.
"I would have choked him! They are fine now...I think.''
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on the handbags between Gabriel Agbonlahor and Marlon Harewood during the Everton game, after Agbonlahor chose not to pass to his strike partner.
"It doesn't matter whether it's cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England.''
Australian rugby union chief executive John O'Neill shows his tactful side when asked about their World Cup quarter-final opponents.
"I was just awful. I didn't contribute anything. I've been bigging myself up, saying I'm ready and obviously I'm not. I'm honest with myself in every performance and that was rubbish - I looked like a pub team player."
Curtis Davies on his proposed move from Villa to the Dog and Duck.
"The tee box on the ninth was safe, I think. I don't want to be handing out too many more bottles of nice red wine to the European Tour staff for their Christmas party!"
Ian Poulter, fined twice this season for smashing tee markers in frustration, declines to make another contribution to the kitty at The Belfry.
"Whoever does the surgery cannot say whether he needs a hernia or not until they have seen him, unless they are magic and they can see over here from Germany and peer into his stomach.''
Sam Allardyce scoffs at reports Michael Owen was set for hernia surgery - before seeing a specialist.
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Never see 'em in the same room
"If we're talking lookalikes he's Toad of Toad Hall, isn't he?"
Ian Holloway finds a lookie-likey for Avram Grant in his BBC Column.
"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."
Holloway on punk.
"The All Blacks are a myth. We need to demystify all this. We're not going to the abattoir."
France coach Bernard Laporte ahead of their World Cup quarter-final with New Zealand.
"Not sure what Mr Gold is after other than publicity. When you get down in the mud and wrestle with a pig, the pig loves it...and you get muddy."
Aston Villa director Charles Krulak is pig-sick at Birmingham chairman David Gold's call to cut ticket prices by 20%.
"My first thought was 'jeez, don't be a sook; there's no use crying about it, man, it's over'.''
Ex-New Zealand captain Tana Umaga poo-poos Brian O'Driscoll's reaction to the infamous spear tackle that ended his Lions tour two years ago.
"It was like kissing your sister - and no-one wants that to happen."
Canada coach Ric Suggitt keeps it in the family to describe his side's 12-12 draw with Japan in the Rugby World Cup. Answers on a postcard.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Not Chelsea or Milan. I want to stay with Barcelona - that is my wish, that is the wish of Ronaldinho."
Ronaldinho proving that even the world's best footballer talks about himself in the third person.(Simon Griffin, UK).
"Any team can beat any other in this league and just to prove it there were seven draws yesterday."
The genius that is Don Goodman commentating during the West Brom v QPR game. (David Powell, Ireland).
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If you're happy and you know it...
"I'm not someone to fear things. They say in Holland 'have no fear, Jolly is here'!"
Martin Jol manages to laugh things off. (Dave Finch, England).
"I think there was just a little change today and I started to smell that things were improving a little bit."
David Moyes's post-match comments after Everton's win over Middlesbrough. Is he Mourinho in disguise?(Balaan Singh, India).
"It gets a bit sweet after the seventh bottle."
Former All Black Murray Mexted commenting on the wine which shares the same name as Portugal twins Diego and David Matteus. (Phil, England).
"I don't miss that nut-wrenching feeling you get on a Saturday morning before a match."
Neil Warnock on MOTD2 when asked if he was missing being a manager. (Paul Laycock, Ireland).
"It's just typical that when nothing's going your way, all your chances fall to Salomon Kalou."
Harsh words from Mark Lawrenson. Still, could be worse - they could fall to Shevchenko. (Rob, England).
"Oooh no. That's just rude!"
James Allen as Kubica knocks Hamilton off the track in Japan. (Leila M, UK).
"The fans certainly didn't expect to see 10 goals scored."
BBC commentator on the Portsmouth-Reading game. Surely 7-4 equals 11 goals?! (Rachel Hooper, England).
"I'm running out of fingers."
Sky Sports reporter Ian Darke as the 11th goal goes in at Fratton Park...just how many fingers does Ian have? (David Tayler, Norwich).
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No flies on Rafa
"I've learned that you have to score goals to win games."
Rafa Benitez after being asked what he'd learned from the Reading-Liverpool game. (Ross Douglas, Scotland).
Interviewer: "Avram, a good team performance and 4-0, it couldn't have gone any better for you could it?"
Grant: "Well, it could have been five!"
Avram Grant is the 'Witty One'.(George Quin, England).
"Come the end of the season we are very confident we will pick up the necessary wins to keep us where we are."
Derby's Billy Davies is optimistic about his team staying bottom of the table. (Alan MacLean, United Kingdom).
"At the end of the day, he scored three goals. Other than that, I kept him pretty quiet."
Reading defender Michael Duberry on Fernando Torres. And no, he wasn't being ironic. (Steffan John, Cardiff).
Eamonn Dunphy: "Look back at the Liverpool of old, the team that Graeme played for...Graeme's won four Champions League titles."
Graeme Souness: "Actually, three, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "He's won four English league titles, then!"
Graeme: "Five, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "Whatever! It's not bloody Mastermind!!"
Eamonn Dunphy and Graeme Souness indulge in a bit of banter on RTE. (Token Singh, Scotland).
"A man down, they have everything to play for."
BBC pundit Mark Bright is not writing off the American ladies, especially when they've got some blokes playing for them. (Adrian Cooper, Bristol).
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May the force be with you
"But other than that, she's had safe hands, Solo..."
The commentator in the England-USA game. Hilariously his co-commentator seemed completely oblivious to the blatant Star Wars reference! (Matthew Clark, UK).
"Keeper Richard Kingson went off groggier than a young tennis starlet after a night on the razz."
Charlie Henderson's summary of the Birmingham keeper's injury on the BBC website. (Paul Gorrie, England).
"Ian Taylor needs to go into the back four."
Steve Claridge at the Premier League All Stars match between Villa and Sunderland - a SIX-A-SIDE tournament! (David Bedlow, England).
"It's definitely a case of a Spaniard in the works for Reading."
The commentator after Fernando Torres scored his hat-trick goal against Reading.(Adrian Doolan, Ireland).
"It's been an 'annus horribilis' week for Chelsea."
TV commentator during Man Utd v Chelsea.(Russell, Australia).
"Fernando Torres...he kills defenders."
Rafa Benitez after the Reading game, talking about his 'lethal' striker! (Dan, Wigan).
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Interfere? Moi?
"Here is the official pronunciation of Chelsea's new manager. It is Avram-ovitch."
BBC commentator on 5live before the Man Utd-Chelsea game. (Kevin Holland, Norway).
"0-0 at the Emirates - or Dubai-bury as my Arsenal friend calls it."
5live commentator during Arsenal v Newcastle.(Mariam, England).
"He's clearly not the player we saw playing for Inter Milan a few years ago."
Alan Shearer on Andriy Shevchenko...that's because he played for AC Milan! (Tisaru, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We want Mourinho!"
Mansfield supporters after going 1-0 down at Accrington Stanley. (Josh, Mansfield).
"Happy Birthday to you!"
Aston Villa fans after Tottenham went 4-1 down to Villa on their 125th anniversary. " (Josh, Chorleywood).
"Easy, Easy!"
Reading fans show some gallows humour as they reduce the deficit to 7-4 against Pompey.(Bruce, London).
"Wenger's the special one."
Arsenal supporters against Newcastle in the Carling Cup. (Becca, UK).
Derby fans: "England, England, England!"
Arsenal fans: "Are you Scotland in disguise!"
Banter during Arsenal's 5-0 win. (David Bedlow, England).
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Come on you Springboks!
"You've got Y-fronts on your flag!"
England rugby fans to the South African fans. (Chris Jackson, England).
"You are my Kandol, my Tresor Kandol,
You signed from Barnet, on deadline day,
We did not notice that you could score goals,
Until that day at Tranmere away."
Leeds fans to their new hero (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine). (Sealy, England).
"Your ground's too big for you!"
Charlton fans singing to Coventry about the fact the ground was half-empty. (Marc Deruelle, UK).
"Who are ya?"
Sung by Coventry's large travelling support to United's second-string team in the Carling Cup. (Geoff Taylor, UK).
"We buy your misfits."
West Ham fans to Newcastle supporters. (Warren, England).
"What time's your minibus?"
Spurs fans to the handful of Boro supporters who came to the match. (James Maine, Chelmsford).
"Shoes off if you love Morecambe!"
Sung by most of the Morecambe fans while holding shoes aloft at Sheffield Utd v Morecambe in the Carling Cup. Soon followed by "Shoe are ya?" (Leanne Sunter, England).
"You're Getting Sacked in the Morning."
West Brom fans to John Gregory after they beat QPR 5-1. That's John Gregory who was...sacked in the morning. (James, UK).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
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You beauty
"I don't like to look like this, but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again."
Cristiano Ronaldo may have suffered facial injuries against Roma, but his ego remained unbruised.
"When you do bad things, he still wants to kill you, but that is a good thing for a manager."
Ronaldo reveals the Fergie hair-dryer is still in good working order.
"I had 52 messages on my phone within an hour of the final whistle and some were from people I'd never heard of, which was a bit worrying."
England coach Brian Ashton is the victim of text pests after the memorable win over Australia.
"I was using a five-iron - it should have been a six because I would have missed it."
Scottish golfer Marc Warren on the comedy injury of the year, sustained when he did a practice swing in his hotel room and shattered a chandelier, showering himself in glass.
"I was only wearing a towel and I was swinging, admiring my physique. I won't be doing that again."
And there's more from Warren, who was playing for GB & Ireland in the Seve Trophy.
"He's obviously having a smashing time!"
Warren's team captain, Nick Faldo, sees the funny side.
"We need the farmers to bring their wellies and get over here."
Colin Montgomerie is not best pleased to discover 80,000 people attended Ireland's National Ploughing Championships, while the Seve Trophy - being held down the road - went largely unnoticed.
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Right, Bernie, this is how it is
"Flavio will be the one wearing the big tie."
Bernie Ecclestone promises to play second fiddle to Flavio Briatore at QPR. He'll be the one wearing the little tie.
"It just depends whether we are sleeping under the coconut tree or rowing the boat."
Fiji fly-half Nicky Little just before the boat came in for his side against Wales in the Rugby World Cup.
"What is pretty plain to see is that Ireland do not deserve to be in the knockout stages. The truth is that they were dreadful in every game, they got their pants pulled down and they were spanked."
Zinzan Brooke gets to the bottom of Ireland's World Cup exit in his BBC column.
"My father worked hard in the Uzbek judicial system and my mother was a wonderful human being. These people could not have brought up what one European politician called a gangster and racketeer. I will leave that one to his conscience."
Russian billionaire and Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov dismisses suggestions he's a wrong'un - and woe betide anyone who disagrees.
"How do they get in the team? Train brilliantly, play in the reserves brilliantly and be better than the players that are in the team."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy tells it how it is - just for a change - when asked how you win a place in his starting XI.
"We've tasted the prawn sandwiches and we've come to a meat and potato pie place like this, which is a proper football club."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd on the culinary differences between Man Utd and Scunthorpe.
"Sanchez told us to hit long balls and pick up rebounds. He wanted us to play like Neanderthals but I am not a Neanderthal man and I told him I could not continue."
Franck Queudrue on why he was not the missing link for Fulham.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I was sure Hamilton was retiring, he seemed to have no power any longer, but by the time I looked back, I was already in Mark's rear end."
Sebastian Vettel commenting on Lewis Hamilton's erratic driving behind the safety car, I think. (Sam Arthur, England).
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Oh my God, I can't believe it
"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it....I always believed we could do it."
England scrum-half Andy Gomersall giving his reaction to England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup. (James, Southampton).
"Sort of desolate, decayed, the smell of - I don't want to dramatise it - but death, you know. That is what it feels like, no-man's land, and it is not a nice place to be."
New Zealand's Anton Oliver describes the All Blacks' dressing room after losing to France in the Rugby World Cup. (Luke Callan, exiled Kiwi, UK).
"Brian Ashton has been ruled out of England's World Cup 2008 qualifier against Estonia."
Subtitles on News 24 sports round-up - presumably because he'll be busy with the rugby team. (Derek Elmore, UK).
"Only Arsenal have scored more goals then Arsenal this season."
Dicky Davies getting a little confused in the build-up to the Fulham-Portsmouth game. (Ben, UK).
"Swann has taken to international cricket like a duck to water."
Dougie Brown, speaking on TMS about Graeme Swann. (Graham Yapp, UK).
"It is painfully obvious to me that the right guy to be world champion is Lewis. In fact, my main fear would be if he didn't win it. Kimi Raikkonen barely talks to anyone and, as such, has done little for the sport. And as for Fernando Alonso, in his two years as world champion he has done nothing."
Bernie Ecclestone proves just how impartial he can be when he puts his mind to it. (Fershad, Australia).
"It's a bit like a deciding frame."
Comment by Dennis Taylor in the Pot Black match between Robertson and Hendry. You only play one frame in Pot Black! (Daniel Tuck, UK).
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Blimey, so that's what I was wearing!
"Tony Adams, when I first joined the club. He got better when he stopped drinking, mind you."
Ray Parlour on Soccer AM commenting on the worst-dressed team-mate he has ever had. (David Tayler, Norwich).
"A third goal at the City Ground - I wish I'd a-gone-gone!"
Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling on Junior Agogo's winner for Nottingham Forest. (Daniel Williams, England).
"There is the principle of a child who is very gifted - if you put him in a bad class, he goes down; you put him in a good class and he goes up. In football it is just the same."
Arsene Wenger's philosophy that the Fifa quota proposal will affect quality. (Jamie Liddiard, England).
"And George Gregan is being molested at the breakdown."
ITV commentator reveals England's alternative tactics to get after Australia's scrum-half. (Michael Scallon, England).
"We need a good result at Anfield and there is no better place to start than Tottenham."
Peter Crouch. (Max, England).
"Kaboul's injury-time winner earned a thrilling 4-4 draw with Aston Villa on Monday."
From London's Metro newspaper. (Paul Dixon, UK).
"Hopefully it won't spoil his good looks."
Commentator during the Man Utd-Roma game when Wayne Rooney got a whack in the mouth. (Christopher Arvo Hawdon, Cardiff).
"I read Khan turned down a photoshoot with Naomi Campbell to concentrate on training for this fight. The closest I've come to a photoshoot was when I was asked to pose with Donna the barmaid at my local, the Dog and Duck."
Amir Khan's latest victim, Scott Lawton, on the boxer's celebrity lifestyle. (Navid, England).
"I'm not sure what's French for deja vu."
Commentator at the RWC in France. (John Hunt, UK).
"Andrew Flintoff is to see a renowned joint specialist in Amsterdam."
Newsreader on Thursday's 5live breakfast. Would that be for some pain relief?! (Chris Tagg, England).
"We have bought two new players, one younger than the other."
Sven-Goran Eriksson. (Michael Painter, England).
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Good one, Ray!
"John Terry is a bloke."
Ray Wilkins during Valencia v Chelsea. (Paul Bennett, England).
"Me and Don (Goodman) have had plenty of number twos in our time, it's not that big a deal."
Tony Cascarino with a bit of toilet humour on Sky, when asked about Liverpool's assistant manager leaving. (Steven Hoare, Liverpool).
"Avram Grant is in a no-win situation - unless his team win."
Graham Taylor on 5live. (Steven Draper, UK).
"I want to be playing in a Norwich side that gets promoted to the Premiership."
What Jason Shackell said after signing a new contact at Carrow Road. Try Football Manager, Jason! (Chris M - Norwich season-ticket holder).
"Sometimes I'd like to have a conversation with a friend in a restaurant without feeling I'm being watched. At this rate I will have to go on holiday to Greenland. But maybe the Eskimos would know me."
Fernando Torres on being crowded by fans. (Mubashir Suleman, England).
"We will probably have to score more goals than we let in to win games."
Jermaine Jenas of Spurs showing he has grasped the finer points of the game in a TV interview. (John Johnstone, Edinburgh).
"Watch the Celtic-Milan match live on Radio Scotland."
Richard Gordon on Sportsound. Watch the radio?! (Tam, Scotland).
"I refused to get carried away in defeat and I won't get carried away in victory."
Sammy Lee after drawing with bottom club Derby. But you didn't win, Sammy!! (Graeme Clark, England).
"The big thing about Newcastle is there is only Newcastle in Newcastle."
Joey Barton making it clear why he left Man City for Newcastle. (Brian Moore, Scotland).
"I don't think you can win this World Cup without scoring points."
Australian rugby union coach John Connolly. (Aki Casey, Australia).
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Guess who's back?
"Just look at the ball played forward there by Jamie Redknapp to Torres."
Ronnie Whelan on RTE. So when did Redknapp make his comeback? (Dave, Ireland).
"No, it is me."
Eric Cantona upon being asked whether Zinedine Zidane or Michel Platini was the greatest-ever French footballer. (Julian, Australia).
"My family are all in the marines and a commander never leaves his troops. If he does that, he's lost."
Martin Jol commenting on his side's recent comeback against Aston Villa. (Jubril Alao, United Kingdom).
"Their players are on thousands a week whereas for us it's £30 and a free bag of whippet food."
Morecambe fan during 5live's interviews at the Carling Cup game against Sheffield United. (Glen Cooper, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Oh my God I can't believe it, we've never been this good away from home!"
Leeds fans to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs' 'Oh My God'. (Robin, England).
"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans to Sunderland when they went 2-0 up at the Emirates.
"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Sunderland fans when Arsenal threw away their 2-0 lead. (Harry, UK).
"Ginger Mourinho!"
Leicester City fans singing to Gary Megson at Sheffield Wednesday. (Jon, UK).
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And coming on for Northampton...
"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
Millwall fans to Northampton's pint-sized full-back Danny Jackman. (Davy McMurray, London).
"Maradona!"
Argentine rugby fans getting confused as to which sport their national team is playing during the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against Scotland. (Ben, UK).
"E-I-E-I-E-I-O - a monkey-hanging you will go."
Forest fans remind Hartlepool what they are most famous for. It was hilarious - well the Forest fans thought it was. (Mark Ritchie, England).
"Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!"
Bishops Stortford fans to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre in the FA Cup second qualifying round. (Dan Howes, UK).
"Gordon for England!" Sunderland fans to their, erm, Scottish goalkeeper, Craig Gordon. (Sexy Boy, England).
"Does your mother know you're here?"
Scunthorpe fans to young Norwich supporters. (Danny Oakley, England).
"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
A chant sung by Bradford City's fans in the closing five minutes of a dire 3-0 loss at home to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going absolutely crazy. (Russ Waldron, England).
"Your ground's too big for you!"
Peterborough fans at Shrewsbury.
"That stand's too big for you!"
Shrewsbury fans hit back at the 200 or so fans in a 2,000 capacity stand! (Sam, UK).
"Oh Christian Dailly you're a Saint for life.
Oh Christian Dailly will you s*** my wife?
Oh Christian Dailly, we want curly hair to-ooo."
Saints fans' chant for their new centre-back. To the tune of 'I love you Baby'. (Philip Salkeld, Durham).
"We saw you cry on the telly!"
Sung when Preston played Southampton, referring to when Gregor Rasiak missed a penalty against us in the play-offs and then promptly cried. (Sam, UK).
"Can we play you every week?"
Chorley fans brought out the usual chant when leading 2-0 against Lancaster. The twist being that the fixture is repeated almost every week in October (2nd, 9th, 23rd). (Jan Buxton, UK).
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You can have him!
"We've got Joey Barton, We've got Joey Barton, la la la la."
Newcastle fans to Man City fans last Saturday.
"You've got Joey Barton, You've got Joey Barton, ha ha ha ha!"
City fans after seeing their side go 3-1 up. (Julie, UK).
"Take your shoes off if you're crap."
Sung by Manchester City fans when Newcastle fans started waving their shoes in the air - they soon vanished. (David, England).
"Sit down, Pinocchio!"
Spurs fans to Gareth Southgate during recent Carling Cup game with Boro. (Justin Fleming, England).
The Quotes Of The Week
What the great and the good have been saying this week...
* "I don't mind Lawrie Sanchez spending £25m of my money on players but in return I expect six points from the next two games. If I don't I'm going to send round the biggest bouncer we've got at Harrods to hold him down and shove a pepper suppository up his arse" - The delightful Mohamed Al Fayed sends out a warning message to Fulham boss Lawrie Sanchez.
* "It was just the emotions of the night and the booze. I tried to pat Dida on the shoulder and said, 'Unlucky Dida'" - Celtic pitch invader Robert McHendry.
* "I'm not at all bothered by what I've seen with Robbo. He starts. He is our Peter Schmeichel" - Steve McClaren confirms he is bonkers.
* "You know what. I just hope everyone's fit. Then we'll see how big his balls are" - An unnamed England player offers his thoughts on McClaren.
* "The way Ashley Young is built, he looks like a heavy shower could kill him" - Martin O'Neill.
* "I've kept myself to myself and stayed in with my missus" - Liam Ridgewell explains how he has stayed in one piece since leaving Aston Villa for Birmingham City.
* "The best thing for us to do is to keep playing well and winning - if we played bad like we did in the previous two games I don't think he Jose Mourinho would be happy sitting in front of his TV" - Didier Drogba explains how he is staying motivated.
* "I met ten of them in the middle of the night in Derry. They were working-class lads and I told them that they needed to renounce violence. I said the only way of solving problems is by dialogue, not by shooting each other, but all they wanted to talk about was United and Celtic" - Former ManYoo player Paddy Crerand recalls his encounter with members of the IRA.
* "If England comes then so be it but I've played for them once and that will do for me. I'm more interested in domestic honours. People get carried away about playing for their country. It's always nice to be selected and it's always a privilege and an honour but I'd much rather be successful for Newcastle than I would for England" - Joey Barton inadvertently announces his international retirement.
* "It's a long time that I have been waiting for a big club. I'm not about to hide it; it's the truth. I know my game and I know my qualities. I know all the players who are at Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, Barcelona and I know I'm at their level" - Nicolas Anelka makes what is known in footballing circles as a 'come-and-get-me' plea.
* "Michael isn't qualified to do anything other than play football, so he can't ignore the information he's given by our highly-qualified medical staff and me as his manager" - Newcaslte boss Sam Allardyce.
* "I will listen to the surgeon and not anyone else because she knows what she is talking about" - Owen's response.
* "A special type of suturing is necessary, which keeps the elasticity of the abdominal wall. Therefore the training and full activity can start very early without any risk. The only thing stopping a quick return can be some pain which will keep the player off the field for some further days. The risk of the injury re-occurring is 0.1 per cent." - Leading abdominal surgeon Ulrike Muschaweck clearly isn't as familiar with Owen's fitness record as the rest of us are.
* "It almost seems as if there's something against me" - Poor old Dean Ashton thinks it's all a conspiracy.
* "We're in the last 16 of the Carling Cup and in the group stages of the Uefa Cup" - Martin Jol makes a desperate attempt to put a positive spin on Tottenham's start to the season.
* "A number of players are not as good as I thought they were when I took the job" - Sheffield United manager Bryan Robson boosts his squad's flagging morale.
* "In the summer I was in the England squad and got told my position was there to lose - and I lost it through not playing a game. When I was at Norwich in the Championship I got told I was good enough to be in the squad. Now I am playing with West Ham in the Premiership and playing well, it seems I'm not good enough" - Robert Green. Hell hath no fury like an England keeper scorned.
* "I am p*ssed off with football and the idiots who run the FA and other factions of the industry. But just because I'm p*ssed off doesn't mean I am not determined to be successful in my football club" - Simon Jordan is not a happy camper.
* "I want to be champions with Ajax. I will be, as normal, on the bench when we meet Sparta (Rotterdam) on Sunday. I don't want to say more about all the speculation about me and Chelsea" - Henk ten Cate definitely is not on his way to Stamford Bridge.
* "And that is why I did not win many England caps, because managers were under pressure to get results quickly and they felt they could not trust me because I was not an athlete" - Matt Le Tissier gets the Jimmy Armfield Award For Stating The Bleeding Obvious.
* "Unfortunately for me I feel that the balls haven't bounced the right way for me over the last 12 months" - Former Norwich boss Peter Grant offers a rather thin excuse for City's poor this season.
* "People always say it's a shame someone as talented as Ryan Giggs or George Best before him never played in a World Cup or European Championship and I don't want my name to be added to that list" - Barry Ferguson clearly thinks he's better than the rest of us do.
Football365.com
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44177000/jpg/_44177797_owenpain203.jpg)Has Owen got the stomach for a fight?
"I will bust a gut to play in any game."
Michael Owen with an unfortunate choice of words to describe his rapid recovery from stomach surgery.
"At 5.30am I realised it was a losing battle and I sat down with my dvd player and a guitar, messing around - a bit of Arctic Monkeys mainly."
Jonny Wilkinson realises sleep is not an option after England's defeat of France in the Rugby World Cup.
"Jonny's drop goal with two minutes left sank France. It reminded me of something a few years back, but I just can't recall it right now."
Mike Catt knows Jonny Wilkinson scored another famous drop goal but can't quite place it. Answers on a postcard please.
"What's going on?! Amazing! Mitterand, Platini - your boys took a hell of a beating!"
Will Greenwood gets a tiny bit excited when the final whistle goes in Paris.
"What's it like? Rubbish."
Former Russia captain Alexei Smertin is not a big fan of the plastic pitch, where England's Euro 2008 fate will be decided on Wednesday.
"There's nothing appealing about Iain Dowie!"
Simon Jordan when asked whether Iain Dowie was appealing the verdict of their court case.
"I was playing marbles on the lawn with my eight-year-old son on the first day back at training this season. I normally have 200 things going through my mind but all I had to worry about was these marbles."
New Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on the strange sensation of being unemployed in pre-season. Still, at least he hasn't lost his marbles.
"I think there might be one or two games where I don't get some decisions going for me - from people who have read my book!"
Warnock fears the juicy opinions in his recent autobiography may come back to bite him.
"I had to resist when everyone was saying to me 'buy, buy, buy' - and even bye-bye!"
Arsene Wenger enjoys a little play on words as he vindicates his decision not to panic in the wake of Thierry Henry's departure.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44177000/jpg/_44177784_helenmirrenlegs270.jpg)
What a lovely pair of Rooneys
"They used to be my Kevin Keegans, they went on to be my Gazzas and now they're my Rooneys."
Oscar-winning actress Dame Helen Mirren keeps up with the times to describe her "musclebound" pins.
"I'd like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom."
Nick Easter becomes Nick Faldo for the night as England silence the doubters with their Rugby World Cup quarter-final win over Australia.
"We have been in the mire for the last three weeks. We knew we had to dig deep and there was a lot of soul-searching going on. So we came together as a band of brothers."
Easter's team-mate Mark Regan wins the bet to get a TV series title into his interview.
"I don't think we'll be professional for the full 90 minutes until the microchips are firmly imbedded in the players' heads."
Watford boss Adrian Boothroyd looks forward to the day when all his players celebrate goals with a robot dance.
"They're the worst band in living memory - we've had two hours of the hokey-cokey, two hours of a lovely bunch of coconuts and even a rendition of John Brown's Body."
David Lloyd on the Sri Lankan band playing during the fourth ODI in Colombo.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"He hit that shot at about one million miles an hour!"
Steve McManaman talking about Robin van Persie's first goal against Sunderland on Setanta Sports. (Matthew Glasgow, Northern Ireland).
"And Everton are bringing on Anchovy."
Channel 5 commentator as Victor Anichebe came on against Metalist. (Ian Wells, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44178000/jpg/_44178778_clancy270.jpg)
Hurrah for football!
"Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin."
Peter Crouch's honest answer in a Soccer AM interview. (Matt White, UK).
"Well, we are in the final and nobody else is yet."
Martin Johnson after Jim Rosenthal asked if England had a chance of winning the Rugby World Cup. (Matt, England).
"So, Thomas, France have still not won a World Cup."
Rosenthal not rubbing it in the face of Thomas Casteignede, seconds after England beat France. (Nick, Isle of Man).
"Michalik goes for the drop goal...and it's a wibbly wobbly one."
Miles Harrison during the semi-final. (Andrew McCormick, Northern Ireland).
"Seat of the edge stuff."
Matt Dawson describes the tension in the France-England game. (Nick Reip, UK).
"It looked easier to score, but Senderos just glanced the ball off his balding palette."
David Pleat - Radio 5live commentary of Arsenal v Sunderland. (Pieman, England).
"It's exactly almost three runs an over required."
Roshan Mahanama, as England were closing in on a series victory against Sri Lanka. (Paul Cox, England).
"Pakistan need a further 235 off a minimum 47 hours."
Typo in the South Africa-Pakistan report. I think even Alastair Cook could make it in that time. (Louis, France).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44178000/jpg/_44178787_sidwaddell203.jpg) Legend
"Half his mind is on the dartboard, half is on the crowd....and half is on himself in the mirror!"
Sky Sports darts commentator Sid Waddell on Alex Roy as he played James Wade in Dublin. (Rob Lyons, Ireland).
"The Principal's Nose - if you go in there you're going to come out with a bogey."
Richard Boxall's commentary at the Dunhill Classic, St Andrew's, where one of the bunkers is called the Principal's Nose. (Leo, Ireland).
"They can be almost Fijian in the way they show Gallic flair."
England winger Josh Lewsey talking about France. (Mark, Hamburg, Germany).
"When he is in form he really frees scorely."
Damien Fleming on Matthew Hayden's scoring prowess in the third India v Australia one-day international. (Stryker, Australia).
"That was more by luck than good fortune."
Paul Parker commentating on Cambridge United v Rushden & Diamonds. (Andy, Bicester, UK).
"Sunderland played tremendously well for 90 minutes, but they didn't play very well for the first 15 minutes."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2. (Kurtis Lyth, England).
"Aston Villa are playing the best out there, West Ham the second best."
Dean Saunders on 5live. (Rob Hincks, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44178000/jpg/_44178795_rolfharrisdog270.jpg)
Oh no, not him again
"Like a dog going back to the vet's....he suddenly remembered where he was!"
ITV commentator on the return of Roma keeper Gianluca Curci to Old Trafford, scene of a 7-1 thrashing last season. (Simon Bertenshaw, UK).
"Australia must feel like they've revisted the scene of an accident, and crashed again."
TV commentator talking to Michael Lynagh after the quarter-final defeat by England. (Dave Rice, England).
"Everyone goes out there with their arm on their sleeve."
Sky's Matt Jones on the attitude of the Welsh U-16 football team. (Steve Owen, Ireland).
"Kevin Doyle is off the mark for the first time this season."
MOTD2 commentator on Reading-Derby game. Er, how many times can you score your first goal each season? (Matt England, UK).
"At the moment we're not playing like a top six side. To be a top six side, you've got to be in the top six."
Jamie Scowcroft tells it like it is after the Palace-Hull match. (Jack Laws, Croydon, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Have you ever seen a salad, number one?"
Sung by Worthing fans to Hampton & Richmond goalkeeper during their FA Cup third round qualifying defeat. (Brad, Worthing).
"Keeper's on a hat-trick, keeper's on a hat-trick, la la la la..."
Torquay fans to Stevenage goalie Alan Julian after he scored two own goals in Torquay's 4-2 win. (Kevin, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44178000/jpg/_44178806_billoddie270.jpg)
Bill 'The Body' Oddie
"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, Rub your beard all over my body! Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie..."
Reading fans against Derby. (Jake Byrne, England).
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Roberto."
Swansea fans after going top of the league under Roberto Martinez. (Tom H, Wales).
"Switzerland are you listening? Austria are you glistening? It's a wonderful time, to be a Scotsman, cos we're going to Euro 2008!"
All I got from the biggest Scotland fan this weekend. (Joe Halliday, England). I take it he was drunk? Ed.
"Camb-a-ridge uh-huh uh-huh, Un-i-ted, uh-huh uh-huh."
Cambridge United fans - to the tune of 'That's The Way I Like It'. (David Ahluwalia, UK).
"15 Points, Who gives a ****? We're super Leeds, And we're going up!"
Leeds fans are over the 15-point penalty. (Lee, England).
"4-all, we're gonna draw 4-all!"
Exeter City fans after Richard Logan had put us 4-1 up at home, this coming after five straight home draws! (Jack Nex, England).
"Youre ****, and you know you are."
Swindon fans to Gillingham fans when they were winning 5-0.
"We're ****, and we know we are!"
Gillingham's reply! (Alex, Swindon).
"Can you hear the Rangers sing?"
Hibs fans at Ibrox after being kept behind - singing to a totally empty stadium. (Danny Bayne, Scotland).
"Tell me ma, me ma, to put the champagne on ice, we're going to City twice!"
Everton fans after progressing in the Uefa Cup - the final is at Manchester City's stadium. (Gaz Jones, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44178000/jpg/_44178817_mourinhowink270.jpg)
You're not special any more
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Dave Pacio."
Droylsden fans getting behind their manager as they won their first game of the season. (James, England).
"He's fat, He's round, he bounces all around. Sammy Lee, Sammy Lee."
Chelsea fans to the Bolton manager. (David Lebby, UK).
"Rooney! Rooney!"
Everton fans to Metalist Kharkiv's vastly overweight physio. (Oliver Back, England).
"We hate Tuesday!"
Bristol City fans after Sheffield United fans had chanted "We hate Wednesday"! (Bob Charles, UK).
"Are you Dida in disguise?"
Sunderland fans to Almunia after he was "hit" on the head from a corner... (Andy, UK).
"Easy, Easy!"
Falkirk fans when they scored in the 80th minute to make it 4-1. They were the team getting beaten. (JM Stevenson, Scotland).
"Just like your manager."
Arsenal fans singing to Paul McShane when he got sent off during the Arsenal-Sunderland game.
"We won it twice, we won it twi-i-ice, the Auto-Windshield, we won it twice."
Wigan fans to Man Utd following their 4-0 defeat - sung to the tune of Sloop John B. (Phil Barker, England).
"Swing low, sweet halibut!"
Sung by Grimsby supporters as news of England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup filtered through. (Ben, England).
"And it's Marton Fulop, Marton Fulop FC, they're by far the greatest team The world has ever seen."
Leicester fans' chant to their Hungarian goalkeeper, Marton Fulop. (Sam, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Substitution for West Germany..."
Stadium announcer at Croke Park for the Ireland v Germany match, not realising reunification had taken place. (Tom Armstrong, Northern Ireland).
"Could the owner of a Vauxhall Astra, registration number P914...., please return to their vehicle immediately, as it is rolling unacompanied."
Heard at Oxford v Torquay. (Tom Baker, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Jonny Wilkinson will you marry me? Even when I'm old?"
Spotted at the Stade de France. (Michael Scallon, England).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the Week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44205000/jpg/_44205194_fabregas203.jpg)
Two more doughnuts over here please!
"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"
Cesc Fabregas reveals his Homer Simpson fitness philosophy to The Sun....and it seems to be working.
"Rangers did not want to play soccer. They practiced, from the first moment, anti-soccer."
Lionel Messi ups the anti, following Barcelona's 0-0 draw at Ibrox.
"When you have a bad day at the office, you come to Southend."
Martin Jol indulges in some seaside therapy as he watches Southend v Carlisle.
"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder ahead of the clash with the New York Giants at Wembley. Americans - gotta love 'em.
"We went to a Celtic game and got stuff thrown at us and booed because we had beaten their youth team and they announced it over the PA."
Dolphins kicker Jay Feely remembers his trips to Britain as a schoolboy 'soccer' star with great affection.
"I've never had any serious injuries. I've broken a collar bone, a forearm, a bunch of fingers. Other than that, I'm fine."
Dolphins' defensive end Jason Taylor tells BBC's Inside Sport about his minor niggles.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44205000/jpg/_44205212_chrishutchings203.jpg)
Anyone fancy a point?
"We felt we should have got something out of the game. If it wasn't one point, certainly two."
Things don't add up for Wigan manager Chris Hutchings after the 3-2 defeat at Birmingham.
"I've been told he sometimes goes without scoring for a spell, then he will get six in a patch - so I'm looking forward to a patch!"
Everton manager David Moyes believes no-one is a patch on Yakubu.
"If I could have a pound a shirt, I could get a new car!"
West Ham midfielder Mark Noble on being the highest shirt-seller in the club shop. Just for the record, 7,000 shirts will get him a Smart Car, while he'll need to shift a mere 170,000 for the new Lamborghini Murcielago.
"There are times when they look telepathic and there are times when they look as if they haven't met each other before."
Watford boss Adrian Boothroyd on the Jekyll-and-Hyde relationship between strikers Marlon King and Darius Henderson.
"It just hit me. I don't know if it was my chest - it might have been my 32-year-old beer belly!"
Reading defender Michael Duberry has a bit of tummy trouble after putting through his own net against Newcastle.
"I gave Longy a big kiss in the changing room. I don't know if his girlfriend's going to be happy with that big love bite on his neck, but that was me!"
Duberry pays lip service to Shane Long for getting him off the hook by scoring the winner.
AND SOME FROM YOU
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44206000/jpg/_44206200_paulinefowler270.jpg)
Be afraid...be very afraid
"Robbie Fowler - he's quality for 60 minutes, but in the final 30, Pauline Fowler would be F***er!"
Commentator, BBC West Midlands. (Kevin Flitt, Wolverhampton).
"I really worry about Middlesbrough. If I didn't think there were three teams worse than them, I would say they would be relegated this season."
Mark Lawrenson. (Paul, UK).
"Watching Liverpool tonight was like having sex with your secretary and your wife turning up."
Craig Howarth, via text to BBC website.
"If watching Arsenal last night was like making love to a beautiful woman, and watching Rangers like losing your virginity, watching both English teams tonight will be like making love with the wife: not overly exciting but you know what you're getting."
Bob McInroy, in Glasgow, via text to BBC website. (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).
"Should Theo Walcott play for England week in, week out?"
Tim Lovejoy on the 606 podcast. Wow, so England are playing every week now?! (Charles Dassonville, Finland).
"I think we should get someone English, someone like Mark Hughes."
A Spurs fan after Martin Jol's departure. Er, isn't Mark Hughes Welsh? (Adam, England).
"I'm surprised that Sunderland are wearing their famous red and white striped shirts, despite the potential colour clash with West Ham's claret and blue."
From Sky Sports commentary before the West Ham-Sunderland game. (Kevin Borras, United Kingdom).
"I used to think my name was 'Stop The Cross!', I heard it so much."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2. (Chris Avery, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44206000/jpg/_44206178_southgateglum270.jpg)
Gareth Southgate - not over the moon
"I remember, before we beat Chelsea a couple of years ago, I said that if we can put a man on the moon, we can beat Chelsea. If you believe they put a man on the moon then anything is possible."
Gareth Southgate comes over all REM ahead of the game with Chelsea. (Gareth, England). He was no doubt adopting the mantra 'Everybody Hurts' after Boro's 2-0 defeat. Ed.
"The sun's in their eyes this half, but I'm sure it won't be in the second."
Commentator during the Huddersfield-Oldham match. (Mike Farrimond, England).
"They are a fantastic side, with great individual players, but the desire and the work rate got us over the winning line."
Rangers midfielder Kevin Thomson after his side's goalless draw with Barcelona. I'm sure it felt like a win, Kev! (Dean Moran, Manchester).
"Liverpool are going to have to start getting results if they're going to start winning."
Andy Townsend after Liverpool's embarrassing Champions League defeat. (Stuart Nugent, Carlisle).
"He's not quick. He's fast. Very fast."
Graham Taylor talking about Agbonlahor during the Aston Villa-Man Utd game. (John Thompson, England).
"Every man out there with a red shirt on has an attacking intent, except for Van Der Sar, who has got a green shirt on."
Clive Tyldesley commentating on Manchester United v Dynamo Kiev. (Henry, Essex).
"Manchester are literally slicing up Kiev here."
David Pleat during the same match. (Gavin, Wales).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44206000/jpg/_44206208_kellysmith203.jpg)
When it comes to goals, she's top of the class
Jonathan Ross: "What do you think of the disparity in football these days?"
Kelly Smith: "What's disparity mean?"
England striker Kelly Smith living up to the footballer stereotype on the Jonathan Ross show. (Dom Maxwell, UK).
"Percentage-wise, you'll probably only pot those two times out of 10."
Dennis Taylor during snooker's Grand Prix final.That'll be 20%, then. (Matt, England).
"I don't know who was slower to respond - the Wembley Stadium security or the Dolphins defence!"
Arlo White on the tackling of the streaker at the American football match in London. (Stephen F, UK).
"I can't fault the players, but their heads went down too easily after the goal."
Billy Davies not faulting his players after Derby lost....again. (Anon).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"What's that coming over the hill - 10-point deduction, 10-point deduction."
Colchester fans to Coventry regarding their lack of money. (Tom, Essex).
"6-0 - even Sheva scored!"
Chelsea fans after the thrashing of Man City. (Layla, UK).
'We love you Bolton, we do...."
Leicester fans celebrate the departure of Gary Megson during the Barnsley match. (Jake, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44206000/jpg/_44206222_irnbru270.jpg)
Puts hairs on your chest
"We hate Coca-Cola, We hate Fanta too, Cos we're the Tartan Army, And we Love Irn Bru!"
Scotland fans watching Georgia game in a student bar in Aberdeen. (Ross G, Scotland).
"You're the worst town in England!"
Chelsea fans at the Riverside after Middlesbrough was voted the worst place to live. (Tom, Salisbury).
"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans after putting seven past Slavia Prague. (Matt, England).
"There's Only One Peter Taylor."
Palace fans after they went 3-1 down to Stoke in Neil Warnock's first home game in charge. (Chris, UK).
"Lino, Lino!"
Colchester fans when it was announced over the tannoy that a pair of glasses had been handed in. (Kieran Savill and Rob Lewarne).
"3-1 to the goldfish bowl!"
Newcastle fans to ex-player Jermaine Jenas, who said living in the north-east was like living in a goldfish bowl. (Jordan Clough, England).
"You dirty Northern ********!"
Plymouth fans to Charlton. (David Rogers, England).
"Are we England in disguise?"
My Scottish wife chanting during the Georgia-Scotland game. (Richard Evans, UK).
"If Mills can play for England, so can I!"
Wolves fans to Charlton's Danny Mills. (Joe Williams, England).
"You're not singing any more."
Wolves fans to Charlton.
"We weren't singing anyway!"
Charlton's response. (David Payne, England).
"You can stick your flat-pack wardrobes up your ****!"
Northern Ireland fans v Sweden. (Gareth Todd, Northern Ireland).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Can the owner of a Ford Ka, registration XXXXXX please return to your vehicle, as it is insecure."
Announcer at the Peterborough-Hereford game. Perhaps it needed some reassurance? (Nick Edwards, UK).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Dhoni, please cut your hair, my salon isn't working!"
Seen on a banner in the 20-20 game between India and Australia in Mumbai. (Dhruv P, UK).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the Week
"Well I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon - which is something I've never done before, obviously."
David Beckham on his role in Disney's Dream Portrait ads.
"David is very tidy - even our fridge is colour-coded. He vaccuums in straight lines - in a pinny. If anyone walks around after he's done it, he gets funny."
Becks must be delighted with his wife's latest revelations in a radio inteview.
"I saw the celebration. Superman - super goal."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson on Stephen Ireland's cheeky goal celebration - flashing his Superman pants after scoring against Sunderland.
"We had to fight. We said if we had to die we would die together on that field."
William Gallas is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for Arsenal.
"If you've met a lovely women, do you really worry about what she did before she met you?"
QPR chairman Gianni Paladini on new manager Luigi de Canio, who has a habit of conducting brief love affairs with the clubs he manages.
"I went to see them play in midweek - I didn't realise you could travel so far and still be in England."
Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond contemplates a 315-mile trip to Barrow in Saturday's FA Cup first round.
"He had so much space you could have put a bungalow in there for his retirement."
Mick McCarthy believes his Wolves defence don't have much upstairs after leaving Liam Fontaine unmarked to score for Bristol City.
"Full credit for him that he came to speak to me at the hotel. His English was fine but he didn't say he had a big fry-up or anything."
Blackpool boss Simon Grayson on meeting Juande Ramos before the Carling Cup game with Spurs.
"I spotted some strikers jogging about in the Scottish Highlands this morning. It's a rare sight."
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan believes quality forwards are rarer than rocking horse dung.
"Even the chef's been out for two weeks with a hernia."
West Ham boss Alan Curbishley is cooking on empty.
"I don't like these silly phone-in programmes. People come on who don't know what the hell they are talking about and say things like 'sack the manager because the team played crap today'."
Harry Redknapp tip-toes around the issue of phone-ins.
"You would have to ask the individual horse."
Australian chief steward Ray Murrihy's reply in the Kieren Fallon trial after being asked whether Daring Aim was said to have a "whirling tail".
"I'll have to get my son to duff him up!"
Cardiff boss Dave Jones after Steven Gerrard knocked his side out of the Carling Cup. Jones Jr attends Liverpool's academy.
"It's just a game of football. There are 1.2 billion people in India who couldn't give a s*** what happens to Reading."
Reading boss Steve Coppell is philosophical after the 3-1 defeat by Fulham.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"And Arsenal finally lose their unbeaten record after drawing with Liverpool."
Fox soccer channel commentator at the end of the Liverpool-Arsenal game. (Darren Cooper, USA).
"In the situation we're in, any win is a good win but I thought it was a good win."
Bournemouth Manager Kevin Bond after his team, er, win 2-0. (Simon Reed, England).
"Pericard's got himself free - that's twice this week... he was only released from Strangeways a few days ago."
Commentator on the Stoke-Bristol City game. Striker Vincent Pericard came out of jail two days before the match. (Ben Marlow, UK).
"It looks like he's starting a moped."
Dave Woods describing the aptly-nicknamed Rob 'Beep Beep' Burrow's crouching and bouncing conversion technique in the GB v NZ Test match. (Kev Pender, England).
"We are replacing someone who will never be replaced in Warne."
Aussie chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch on picking a replacement for Shane Warne. (Matt, UK).
"They're going nowhere fast."
"Well, they're going nowhere slowly either."
"Then they're going nowhere at a medium pace."
Andrew Cotter and Brian Moore on Cardiff Blues' attack against Leicester. (Stephen F, UK).
"The lads have started like a train on fire."
Radio Nottingham's Johnny Mullins as Mansfield led Macclesfield 4-0 at half-time. (Alan B, Nottingham).
"I've spoken to Brian but I think what was said should stay between us."
Lawrence Dallaglio discovers a rather belated sense of privacy after slating England coach Brian Ashton in his autobiography. (Jack Hazzard, UK).
"There is no doubt in my mind that Kevin will win the Lonsdale belt."
Boxing promoter Tommy Gilmour. As he was commenting on Kevin Anderson v Kevin McIntyre he was on pretty safe ground! (Peter Vincent, Scotland).
"There's Dale Earnhardt Junior, walking along pit row with his manager and long-time cousin."
US commentator during the Nascar race at Talladega. (Woody, Bristol).
"I've lost count of how many passes this Arsenal move is. It must be more than double figures."
Sky Sports commentator thinks Arsenal have produced at least a 100-pass move. (Janiv Patel, UK).
"Sam (Allardyce) would be a fool to let it happen and the guy who goes in would be a fool to accept it. The chairman, who is not a fool, would be a fool to go and do it, too."
The one and only Kevin Keegan scotches rumours that he is going to become director of football at Newcastle. (Lewis Taylor, Bristol).
Commentator 1: "The referee sure did take long to make his decision. He was like a father on his way home from a long day's work, stopping off at a pet store to buy his nine-year-old daughter a puppy for her birthday, looking through the window really, really hard, not wanting to make the wrong choice."
Commentator 2: "He sure did!"
Mind-boggling American commentary on ESPN during the World Series. (Alan Barnett, Ireland/Israel).
"A handball is when your hand touches the ball."
Gary Lineker. That's cleared that up, then. (Bob Dole, UK).
"He really should have a licence for that right foot."
Commentator on MOTD 2 after Stevie G scored a scorcher of a free-kick for Liverpool against Arsenal. (Sam Lannie, England).
"I think we are all frightened a little bit when a new broom starts to sweep."
Birmingham manager Steve Bruce on the takeover talks. (Dave, England).
"Bolton are having a moment. Since they introduced Speed, they seem to have perked up a bit."
Commentator at the Villa/Bolton game. Should Bolton be drug-tested?! (Jonesey, UK).
"It took time for Anderson to settle at United as they play with balls flashing everywhere."
Phil Thompson discusses the new boy at Man Utd. (Chris Wright, UK).
"It was awful. Sometimes you have one or two players who are not doing their job, but on this occasion we had about a dozen."
Despite Sven managing to sneak an extra player on to the pitch, Man City were still awful against Chelsea! (George Quin, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 6-0 down to Chelsea. (David, UK).
"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot..."
Ipswich Town fans after Dan Harding skied his free-kick into the top tier of the South Stand against Wolves.
"There's Only One Jonny Wilkinson!"
Wolves join in the fun. (Harrison Page, England).
"If Robin Hood was real, he'd be dead!"
Oldham supporters at Forest. (Luke, England).
"Let's all wave at Warnock!"
Sung by Watford at Crystal Palace, followed by 1,000 fans waving across the pitch to Neil Warnock. (Phil, England).
"There's only one Gary Mills."
Tamworth fans after boss Gary Mills got rid of midfielder....Gary Mills.
"Where's your Hamilton - where's your Hamilton?"
Salisbury fans at Stevenage in FA Cup qualifying match, after Stevenage-born Lewis Hamilton announced he was leaving the UK for Switzerland. (Ed, Cambridge).
"Li-ver-pool, hoof the ball."
Arsenal fans at Anfield, after Liverpool started playing long-ball tactics. (Jonny, Ireland).
"You're not fit to referee!"
During the Sheffield Wednesday-Blackpool game, when the referee went off injured. (Dave D, UK).
"Ade - Bom By Yay!"
Arsenal fans adapt the famous Muhammad Ali chant for striker Emmanuel Adebayor. (Jackson, England).
"We've got De Canio, **** off Mourinho!"
QPR fans salute their new manager against Hull. (Alex Ferguson, UK).
"Car-park near Stansted, you're just a car-park near Stansted."
Weston-super-Mare fans to their Bishop's Stortford counterparts.
"Bus-stop near Bristol, you're just a bus-stop near Bristol."
Stortford fans make a swift retort! (Gareth Stephens, England).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Coming on for Fulham, Shefki Cuckoo."
Fulham announcer gets in a flap as Shefki Kuqi comes on as a sub against Reading.
"Mr Coombes in L1, your wife has just gone into labour."
At Leicester v Barnsley game. (Josh Sewell, England).
FLAG OF THE WEEK
"United, Kids, Wife... in that order."
Seen on a banner during the Man Utd-Arsenal game. (Anon).
Leeds is 'too-cold' for Chelsy
(http://www.clubfanzine.com/images/news/news_5632.gif)
As we always suspected, Chelsy never really fancied it "oop north".
Prince Harry has been dumped by his girlfriend, because Leeds is "too cold" for her - according to reports.
Chelsy Davy, the 22-year-old who has been dating the present third-in-line to the throne, has dropped out of her law-degree studies at Leeds University to return to her native Cape Town.
According to Sky News, Leeds is too-cold for the poor love, she has failed to make friends amongst the good people of West Yorkshire and she also fears for her safety in Leeds.
Sky News also suggest that Harry's "playboy lifestyle" and the fact he missed her birthday party to go to the Rugby World Cup final in Paris last month has also influenced her decision!
Silly mare! Tosh like this gives our fine city a rotten name! Leeds is no colder than anywhere else in England, the locals are amongst the friendliest in the country and the last Leeds student I'm aware of coming to any harm was poor Meredith Kercher - who was murdered in Perugia earlier this month.
BBC: Quotes of the Week
"I'm ready to take the blame for all the problems of English football if that is what he wants."
Arsene Wenger responds after Sir Alex Ferguson has a dig at Arsenal for their lack of homegrown players.
"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.
"You people sometimes are like those serial killers you see in films who cut out the words 'I am going to get you' or 'your wife is next'."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan rips into the media. Be afraid, be very afraid.
"Liam has worked hard on his finishing but I can't believe he wanted to see my backside so much!"
It's squeaky-bum time for Bristol City boss Gary Johnson, who promised to bare his backside in a shop window if Liam Fontaine ever scored - which he did against Wolves.
"He had his head bandaged up the other week after going in where it hurts. Mind you, that was probably the best thing with his dodgy haircut!"
Aston Villa's Curtis Davies believes defensive partner Martin Laursen is a cut above.
"I'll fight him anywhere. I'll fight him in his garden."
Joe Calzaghe is planning to show American great Bernard Hopkins he's the daddy.
"Sir Galahad was still fighting when he was a knight, why shouldn't our guy?"
Promoter Frank Warren believes Calzaghe is no ordinary Joe, following his defeat of Mikkel Kessler.
"Sri Lanka cricket at this moment of time is not going in the direction it should be going, especially with a set of muppets headed by a joker."
Sri Lankan batsman Marvan Atapattu has a mild dig at the selectors.
"I said a few things and I tried to grab him by the throat, but he was too high!"
Derby boss Billy Davies finds going head-to-head with defender Claude Davis a bit of a tall order.
"I got lucky because Ali missed a lot of balls - I'm playing rubbish in practice."
Ronnie O'Sullivan after hitting five straight centuries, including a maximum, against Ali Carter. You just let us know when you're playing well, Ron.
"Thank you, Liam!"
Aston Villa defender Zat Knight on the own-goal by former Villa player Liam Ridgewell that helped his old side win the Midlands derby.
"It's been great so far, very positive and smooth apart from... the season."
David Beckham is having a ball in LA, aside from that pesky day job.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Early in the contest it did not look as if Haye could go 'all night long' as he failed to make the most of his extra six inches."
BBC Sport website talking about David Haye's reach during his cruiserweight title victory. (Andy Collins, England).
"Will Lewis come to the checkout, please, Lewis to the checkout..."
Heard in Stevenage Homebase this weekend. Perhaps he hasn't quite made it to Switzerland. (Andy, UK).
"Man United's defensive record is second to none... apart from Liverpool's that is."
Warren Barton on Sky. (Chris Owen, England).
"He's breathing, that is always a good sign."
Dick Best commentating on Perpignan v Dragons as Dan Lydiate lay injured. (Matthew Allen, Wales).
"And as it draws nearer to five o'clock here, it is now eight hours' difference from the UK."
Sky Sports commentator on HSBC Golf Champions. So is it a different time difference at other times in the day? (David Bedlow, England).
"De Ridder trying a couple of legovers there, just like Ronaldo."
Martin Keown while co-commentating on Birmingham v Villa. (Phil Todd, UK).
"Hamilton is a great driver, but there are lots of great drivers in Formula One who did not have his package."
Jenson Button reveals to the Mail on Sunday how size is everything in F1. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).
"Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked."
David Pleat on Rafa's rotation policy during the Liverpool-Besiktas game. (Marky Saunders, UK).
"SENT OFF: Ware, Wolf, Serious Foul Play (90)."
Taken from the BBC vidi-printer. No doubt he was sent off for having excessive facial hair and howling. (Mark Wittenberg, UK).
"Rob Burrow is dancing away like Michael Jackson out there."
BBC live commentary on the GB-New Zealand third Test. (Tim, Benfleet, Essex).
"We'll stay in a very nice hotel, travel up on a nice bus and in the morning we'll have a nice walk."
Motherwell manager Mark McGhee hoping for a 'nice' result in Inverness at the weekend. (Alan, Scotland).
"It's been a football marathon on 5 Live, I mean Channel 5.
Channel 5 commentator Dave Woods mixing up his employers - hope they understood. (Simon Carroll, Manchester).
"Nuremberg have a large fan base, with travellers making their way across the border from Czech Republic and Australia."
Kevin Ratcliffe in the build-up to Nuremberg v Everton on BBC Mersey. Think he needs a geography lesson! (Phil Parsons, England).
"Howard in goal was straight out like a light."
Setanta's Brian Kerr on Tim Howard coming swiftly out of his goal for Everton against Nuremberg. (Sinéad, Ireland),
"I'm a bit disappointed because we hadn't conceded a goal in our group until tonight."
Arsene Wenger must have been watching a different game from the 0-0 draw in Prague. (Paul Garton, England).
"That was a suicide pass by Easton, he could have been responsible for the first opening goal for Leeds."
David Platt on Hereford v Leeds. How many opening goals can you have? (Iain, Worcester).
"Gerken leaves Watford in a pickle."
Jeff Stelling after Colchester keeper Dean Gerken saves Marlon King's penalty. (Foster, England).
"Ronnie O'Sullivan fought back from 4-2 down to beat Tom Ford 5-3."
On BBC Sport website report. I knew Ronnie was good... (NP, UK).
"He hit that header with his hand."
Danish commentary concluding that Oscar Cardozo possesses the ability to head with his hand. (Daniel Marslew, Denmark).
"It's funny how teams play differently when they're three or 4-0 up. Everyone wants to eat the ball at that stage."
John Giles eulogises Liverpool's hunger during the 8-0 win over Besiktas. (Kevin Threadgold, Ireland).
"If I had any hair, I'd be pulling it out."
Dundee boss Alex Rae after they came from behind to win again. (Albert Kidd, Scotland).
"Last week, when Arsenal faced Slavia Prague, it was seven. For Liverpool tonight, it was eight. When Chelsea went to Schalke in Germany, it was NEIN."
Jim Rosenthal stakes his claim for corniest quote of the season on Champions League highlights. (Ian Robinson, London).
"Liverpool have sent a message to the Liverpool's, the Chelsea's and the Arsenal's."
David Pleat after Liverpool scored eight against Besiktas. Exactly how do you send a message to yourself then, David? (Kenny Lomas, England).
"The last time Arbeloa, Aurelio and Crouch all started for Liverpool, It was against Arsenal, Crouch scored a hat-trick and Arsenal won 4-1."
Commentator during Liverpool-Besiktas game. Who does Crouch play for again? (Tom Squires, Scotland).
"That was toilet bowl finishing from Raul."
GOLTV's Geordie football commentator. (Steven McLean, Scotland).
"There are three results possible."
Andy Townsend before the United-Arsenal match. OBVIOUSLY. (Luke Bennett, England).
"That's frustration - and a little bit of GBH."
Gerry Armstrong on a tackle by Babic on Messi during the Barca-Betis Match. Babic was then booked. (Michael, England).
"He rainbows the keeper."
A Fox Soccer channel analyst during a Bundesliga highlights programme describing the striker lobbing the goalkeeper. (Ola Adetula, Los Angeles).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You dirty northern b******s!" Torquay fans to Yeovil after a Torquay player was hacked down! (Neil Blinston, USA).
"We want nine!"
Manchester United fans after their second goal against Kiev, desperate not to be outdone by Liverpool! (Dale, England).
"Get your ass out for the lads!"
Bristol City fans after Liam Fontaine scored against Wolves. Johnson said at the start of the season - after Fontaine missed a sitter - he would bare his bum in a shop window if he ever scored. (Gary Turner, Bristol).
"Are you Besiktas in disguise?"
Sheffield Wednesday fans to Southampton when the Saints went 5-0 down. (Will Sarson, England).
"Meat pie, sausage roll, come on fatty - score a goal!"
Sung by Bishop's Stortford fans to Basingstoke's overweight left-back. (Ben Markham, England).
"Are you Wigan in disguise?"
Bolton fans to Bayern Munich during the 2-2 draw. (Foster, England).
"We've got more snow than you!"
Aberdeen fans to Lokomotiv Moscow on a snowy, wintry night at Pittodrie. (Scott Donaldson, Scotland).
"You're just a small town in Poland!"
Brighton fans to Walsall's travelling support. (James Blake, Brighton).
"Top of the league, your havin' a laugh!"
West Brom fans during the 3-0 victory over Watford at Vicarage Road.
"Top of the league, we're havin' a laugh!"
Watford fans reply. (Jonathan Parrott, England).
"He's gonna spit in a minute."
West Ham fans to Bolton's El Hadji Diouf. (Mike Amis, Chelmsford, Essex).
"Are you Frodo in disguise?"
Histon fans' chant at the rather short referee in the match against Bamber Bridge. (Don Wilderspin, England).
"You can stick your Yorkshire puddings up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to the Leeds fans after the 3-1 win! (Jack Dobinson, England).
"Lets go Marek Mintal!"
From a group of us who went to watch Nuremberg v Frankfurt - Nuremberg won 5-1 and their star player was Marek Mintal - so we started the chant. Sadly the Germans didn't catch on. (Jimmy, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Tottenham's box office have announced that all tickets are sold out for next season's league game against Leeds."
Half-time announcer at Stamford Bridge.(Emily, UK).
"A message to the Family Stand - can you please start a Mexican wave?"
From the 150th anniversary game at Sheffield United. (Danny Waller, England).
BBC: Quotes of the Week
20/11/07
"Unbelieveable. I'd actually slipped into the bathroom and I heard a big scream from my two boys and I gathered that, unbelievably, Israel had got the winner."
Steve McClaren on the moment he realised his career might not be going down the pan after all.
"We cannot fail to win - even if we face 13 players."
Russia striker Aleksandr Kerzhakov wins the 'me and my big mouth' award for his comments ahead of the Israel game.
"Deep in my mind my son is like me, a little Che Guevara, a rebel. He is always supporting my opponents to tease me - when I played for Everton he supported Liverpool."
England can count on one extra fan in Wednesday night's clash with Croatia - manager Slaven Bilic's 10-year-old revolutionary son.
"I prefer to frighten people by driving around in my white Porsche with Slipknot blaring out of the windows!"
Reading's American goalkeeper when asked about the hoard of guns he keeps back home.
"He can't help being good-looking - he was born like it, I suppose."
Harry Redknapp on the adonis that is Glen Johnson. Takes one to know one.
"Calzaghe is cute, but he ain't going to be cute after this facelift."
Bernard Hopkins wants to prove the Italian Dragon really is an ordinary Joe if their proposed fight goes ahead.
"I felt like Tarzan."
Sir Bobby Robson recalls how he quickly got into the swing of things on his first day as Republic of Ireland consultant.
"My wife tells me I'm only half the man I used to be."
Former darts world champion Andy Fordham on losing 10-stone, courtesy of the miraculous don't drink 25 bottles of lager a day diet.
"All he has around him are yes men telling him what he wants to hear, shouting 'You're da man! You're da man!'"
Ricky Hatton keeps the pot boiling ahead of his fight with Floyd Mayweather.
"When Carla comes over from Spain to stay with me, we pass our time shopping in Zara."
Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas is never happier than when shopping for women's clothes.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland. (Stevie Mac, N Ireland).
"If Calzaghe and Frank Warren are serious, they can cross the Red Sea and come over to the United States, because we're the best in everything we do."
Bernard Hopkins implying that Egypt must be somewhere between America and the UK. (Swi, Gloucestershire).
"In Dublin it's now Northern Ireland 2, Denmark 1."
Commentator on Swedish TV channel may need to brush up on his geography! (Simon Wall, Sweden).
"I'm tempted to say it's a massive result for Staines!"
Ray Stubbs makes a half-hearted attempt at an Ali G pun on BBC's Score. (Phil, England).
"Like Oliver Twist, they want more."
Commentator after Spain scored their second goal against Sweden. (Kenny Lomas, England).
"Head-to-head: Newcastle with 48 wins, Sunderland with 40, the rest have been draws."
Sky Sports commentator at the Tyne-Wear derby. (Pete, Swindon).
"So, Kenny Miller has a hamstring?"
Jonathan Pearce talking to Derby boss Billy Davies. Hopefully he's got two. (Chris Avery, England).
"Substitute Darren Smith wrapped up the pints for the visitors with minutes to go."
The BBC Sport website's report on Inverness v Motherwell suggests the visitors were more interested in post-match drinks than the three POINTS on offer. (Dave Edwards, Poland).
"Me and my mate are playing our usual Premier League drinking game, basically taking a shot of something every time a goal is scored. We're now very sober."
Anon via text on 81111, second-half of Blackburn-Liverpool when the score was still 0-0. (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).
"It looks as though he's got talent."
David Coulthard after seeing seven-times world champion Michael Schumacher come out of retirement to set the fastest time during testing for Ferrari. (Dan, Watford).
"Having one shot in 90 minutes isn't good, especially when that's in the 93rd minute."
Norwich striker Jamie Cureton following the 3-0 defeat at Plymouth. (Jon Skinner, UK).
"I know Rafa well and he will break his own head to find a solution to get the title for Liverpool."
Reds keeper Pepe Reina on Rafa Benitez's determination. (Matteo D'Alesio, England).
"It was a funny one. It was one of them ones that either goes in, or goes over the stand - and as I say, it was neither."
Northern Ireland striker Warren Feeney describing his 30-yard volley against Denmark on Saturday night that hit the post and bounced clear. (Vince Coupon, Belfast).
"I was in the doping centre and somebody came in and told me I was in the squad. At first, I thought they were taking the p*** out of me."
Italy striker Raffaelle Palladino on being called up to the squad for the first time. Isn't that what they're supposed to do?! (Gordon Pattinson, UK).
"I was especially happy to have my mum there, as she has been there with me from the start."
Nathan Ashton on making his Fulham debut against Reading... aren't mothers usually there at the start? (Nick, England).
"That was a good shot by Benently... Betently... whatever!"
Match of the Day commentator when Bentley's shirt had BETNLEY printed on it. (Umang Joshi, England).
"If the Rovers staff struggle to spell 'Bentley' then maybe it explains why Zura Khizanishvili cannot get in the side."
The Sun after David Bentley's shirt for the Manchester United clash had the Blackburn winger's name spelt 'Betnley'. (Andy Gorn, England).
"Niemi goes the wrong way on the Gerrard dodge shot to put Liverpool two-zip ahead."
Fox Soccer Channel analyst in the USA revealing a new name for a good old-fashioned penalty! (Andrew Ford, USA).
"If Arsenal lose this two-goal lead, I'll eat my heart."
Craig Burley while co-commentating during the Reading-Arsenal match. (Matt Sayles, UK).
"He's young, he's English, pretty much everything."
Jamie Redknapp on Joe Hart after the Portsmouth game. Some criteria, Jamie? (Max, London).
"You're likely to find more life on Mars than on this pitch."
Damien Fleming's views on the pitch for the fifth ODI between India and Australia in Vadodara. (Mike Stevenson, England).
"England have used their get out of free jail card."
Richard Keys gets his words mixed up after Israel's 2-1 win over Russia. (Lee Precious, England).
"Be still my thundering heart, it thumps in my breast like Roger Rabbit on the sight of Jessica's cavernous cleavage."
Heart-pumping words about Scotland from Chick Young's column! (Ben Ling, Norwich).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Who picked your team this week?" and "Stand up if you own Ebbsfleet."
Oxford United fans to the travelling Ebbsfleet fans on Saturday. (Andy Roberts, Oxford).
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
He stands between our posts,
He's named after a ghost.
Cardiff fans to keeper Kasper Schmeichel. (Rhys, Wales).
"It's just like being in church!"
Blackburn fans at an incredibly quiet Old Trafford. (Niall, Preston).
"I saw my mate, the other day,
He said to me he's seen the white Pele,
He said to me, whats his name?
I said to him, his name is Buzsaky, Buzsaky, Buzsaky."
QPR fans to Akos Buzsaky at Palace. (Saffa Michail, Isle of Wight).
"Ohh! We're half way there! Ohh-ohh! Aliadiere!"
Boro fans to their striker. (Matt, England).
"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Aliadiere - Jeremie Aliadiere!"
And there's more...to the tune of 'Baby Give it Up'. (Anthony, England).
"Have yeh no paid yer 'leccy bill?"
Aberdeen supporters after the floodlights cut out at Tynecastle during Hearts' 4-1 win. (Laura, Scotland).
"Davis, Davis give us a save!"
Ironic chants from Southampton fans saints to keeper Kelvin Davis while 5-0 down at Hillsborough. (Peter B, England).
"Bring on the Chelsea!"
Derby fans when 5-0 down to West Ham, with Chelsea next up at Pride Park. (David, UK).
"We'll never play you again."
Arsenal fans to their Reading counterparts when winning at Madejski stadium.
"You *******said that last year!"
Reading fans reply. (John Bycroft, UK)
"It's just like watching Seville!"
Spurs fans to new manager Juande Ramos. (Lewis Buckler, England).
"Ooh arrr, it's a massacarrrrrrr!"
Torquay fans while 4-1 up against Yeovil in the FA Cup. (David Hart, England).
"We've got more stands than you've got points!"
Cambridge United fans reminding long-suffering Northwich supporters of their team's record of no wins in 19 games so far this season. (Neil the milkman, Norfolk).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"There is a no-smoking policy in all parts of the Layer Road ground. Anyone who is caught smoking will be taken away, strapped to an electric chair and electrocuted until they are dead. Thank you."
Colchester announcer at half-time in the Leicester game, according to The Sun.
"The referee for tonight's match is Mr A E Rayner."
At Vale Park as Amy Rayner jogged out on the pitch to referee Port Vale Reserves against Shrewsbury Town Reserves. No truth in the rumour Mike Newell was guest announcer! (Mark Whitby, England).
"This is a message for Alex xxxxxxxx, just to remind you that your mother is waiting outside the front for you."
Heard over the tannoy at Cambridge v Northwich Victoria. (FarJhole, England).
http://newsbiscuit.com/article/crowd-mosaic-was-changed-to-create-picture-of-mans-genitals-228
;D
Quote from: gelderdend on November 23, 2007, 09:50:54
http://newsbiscuit.com/article/crowd-mosaic-was-changed-to-create-picture-of-mans-genitals-228
;D
HA, HA ;D ;D ;D
Det må vel være tidenes practical joke.
Dette skyldes nok bare at noen hadde hørt litt feil.
"a giant Nike tick"
a giant ...like...prick.
Fort gjort. ;D
Noen som husker avslutningsseremonien fra Lillehammer-OL?
I forkant av OL var det masse diskusjon om hvorfor Coca Cola skulle ha monopol på reklame for kullsyreholdig leskedrikk, og sterke røster mente at det hadde vært fint om f.eks Solo kunne promoteres for en gangs skyld.
Noen av Solo-tilhengerne bet seg merke i bildeutsnittet fra det kameraet som sto øverst i Lysgårdsbakken under åpningsseremonien, og så at den skogkledde lia på motsatt side av dalen fikk en sentral plass i oversiktsbildet.
De monterte derfor i nattens mulm og mørke ett anlegg med bilbatterier og kraftige lyspærer oppe i skogen. Når mørket senket seg, og avslutningsseremonien startet, slo de på lyset.
Jeg satt inne i TV-produksjonsbussen, og kunne interessert høre lettere hysteriske tv-producere, reklamefolk og andre jamre seg over S O L O "reklamen" som ble vist hver gang man svitsjet inn det kameraet. Ikke kunne man la være å benytte kameraet på kort varsel, det hadde liksom ødelagt den svært nitidig planlagte produksjonen. Og ei heller rakk man å få sendt noen avgårde for å skru det av, det hadde sikkert tatt minst en time eller to.
Fantastisk prank synes nå jeg :D
flynn
BBC: Quotes of the Week
"They all lined up like a bunch of tailor's dummies to announce Steve McClaren's sacking and it was like being at the fun-fair. Take a pop-gun, shoot them and see who falls off their chair - walk away with a goldfish."
Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict on the press conference held by the FA suits after England's defeat to Croatia, in his News of the World column.
"Mila kura si planina."
Roughly translated as "My penis is a mountain" - the words opera singer Tony Henry accidentally used while singing Croatia's national anthem. He should have said "You know, my dear, how we love your mountains".
"I don't think any of the Croatian team would get into our team."
Michael Owen gives his verdict on England's World Cup draw. You sure about that, Michael?
"Unfortunately apparently I am to blame because I don't produce enough English players!"
Arsene Wenger bravely takes the rap for England's failure to qualify.
"I got booed, Jesus, and I didn't even play on Wednesday night!"
Ashley Cole is almost as shocked as the day he realised he was 'only' going to be paid £55k a week at Arsenal.
"You live and die by results, I asked to be judged on that and people have."
Steve McClaren admits he is dead in the water after the defeat by Croatia.
"Where I was brought up, they say you have to have received a death certificate before you are declared dead."
But Italy's Roberto Donadoni is very much alive ahead of the crunch clash with Scotland.
"I'll bounce back - I'm not one to lie on a beach."
McClaren, shortly before getting ready to jet off for a break in Barbados.
"Roy of the Rovers reads David Healy comics."
BBC Northern Ireland pundit John O'Neill after Healy broke Davor Suker's goalscoring record in Euro qualifiers.
"As always I am focused on training and coaching my team."
Rafa Benitez's statement that he repeated between nine and 25 times (depending on which paper you read) during a press conference after Liverpool's owners, Tom Hicks, told him to stop criticising their transfer policy.
"I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear."
Ian Holloway believes he's gone from cor blimey to Cordelia after getting the Leicester job.
"When I first started it was beer on ice and now it's players on ice."
The newly-retired Darren Lehmann on how ice baths leave him cold.
"I'm like milk. Once it's gone past its expiry date you can't drink it anymore."
Luis Aragones won't be staying on as Spain manager till the cows come home.
"The scariest moment of the week came when a snake turned up at the ground. Someone said it was a python but, to be honest, I didn't care what it was - it was just huge."
Kevin Pietersen is freaked by a snake on the plains in Sri Lanka.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"So England have lost - we're the worst team in the country."
Pigeon Detectives during their gig at Kentish Town straight after the Croatia game. At least their performance was better than their post-match analysis. (Chris Sheard, London).
"I have spoken to Steve, I get on really well with him, I had a grown-up conservation with him."
Brian Barwick confirms that he didn't resort to childish name-calling when telling Steve McClaren that he was to be sacked. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"This team has some of the best players in England."
David Beckham on the England national team. (Lee Thomas, Japan).
"I love your players. They are jumbo jets of football."
Slaven Bilic talking about England. Is he for one moment implying they're slow and lethargic?! (George Quin, England).
"We knew at half-time we were only half-way there."
Wales captain Simon Davies after the Germany result. (Matt Simkins, Wales).
"90 minutes: McClaren has another sip of water. Good to be adequately hydrated when you get lynched..."
From the Eurosport.com commentary for the England/Croatia match. (Alan Grove, United States).
"We call it the Andrex Premiership. Soft and overly expensive."
Lawrence Dallaglio on BBC's Top Gear. (Chris Lomas, UK).
"He's one of the shorter keepers of the Premiership - only six inches tall."
BBC commentator about Man City's Isaakson. You sure he's that short?! (Guillaume R, London).
John Motson: "You wouldn't expect Wright Phillips to win the header."
Mark Lawrenson: "Not unless he had a stepladder!"
During the England v Croatia game. (Marcus Jackson, England).
"If United don't equalise, they might lose this game."
XFM commentator Micky Thomas's words of wisdom as Man Utd trailed Bolton 1-0. (David Dawber, England).
"Keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen did well to keep out Owen Hargreaves' dipping free-kick with a flying dave."
BBC report on Bolton-Man U game. (Darren Riley, England).
"Lee Trundle could do with a bit of doughnut rehab."
Steve Guppy commentating on the Bristol City-Leicester match on BBC Radio Leicester. (Samantha, Scotland).
"If it was a knockout tournament with a final, that would be a great idea - quarter-final, semi-final, final - and a very interesting end to the season."
Kevin Doyle when asked about a return of the Home Nations tournament. How many teams does he think will be in it? (Stephen Wilkes, Ireland).
"What I am focusing on is putting on the Gillingham shirt."
Gills' new signing Adam Miller. I know footballers aren't famed for being the cleverest, but it seems he still needs help dressing himself! (Jo Fitzgerald, England).
"And McCartney is challenged by Lennon."
Commentary on the West Ham-Spurs match on Sky. (Andy, England).
"If it wasn't for the fact that they had more skill, guile, flair, pace, ability and commitment than us, we could genuinely have nicked something."
A Sunderland fan on 606 reflects on their 7-1 defeat at Everton. (Marcus, England).
"If it's anywhere on the pitch apart from inside the 18-yard box, you'd get a penalty."
Chris Kamara, after Birmingham's penalty appeals were turned down. (James Algie, Middlesbrough).
"If someone did us a favour on Saturday and we weren't in the right frame of mind to take advantage on Wednesday, it would be criminal."
Michael Owen prior to the Croatia game. The England team should be hearing from the police very soon! (Gordon, Scotland).
"He's my Dream Team captain (points x 2) and Bolton at home must rank as a definite win, near-certain clean-sheet, with the possibility of a goal. I could have been on 20 points with the big fella, now I'm gonna have to drop him, bring in Liam Rosenior and give Kenwyne Jones the armband! Do Uefa care? Do they......!"
'Romario1000' on 606 on the subject of Nemanja Vidic potentially being unavailable for Man Utd v Bolton due to the rescheduled Serbia game. (Ian Robinson, Kingston, London).
"Northern Ireland are kicking with the tide."
BBC Radio 5 Live commentator at the start of the rather wet match against Denmark. (Mark, England).
"I know England have most often used 4-4-2 but I feel there could be an innovation on Wednesday. I personally think it will be 2-0."
Arsene Wenger suggests a bold new formation for England in light of their injury and suspension-hit squad. (Rob Hayton, UK).
"Wouldn't it be great for Jaques to make consecutive debut hundreds?"
Mark Nicholas on Aussie batsman Phil Jaques, even though he made his debut in 2006, four games ago! (Tom Calder, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la..." (To the tune of Amarillo).
Oldham fans to midfielder Jean-Paul Kalala. (Luke_oafc, England)
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na - Darryl, Darryl Knights, Darryl Knights, Darryl, Darryl Knights." (To the tune of Baby Give It Up).
Cambridge United fans to on-loan striker Darryl Knights. (Lewis W the Junior U, England).
"You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Man City fans to Reading after going one-nil up. (Helen, Reading).
"You're just a bus stop in West Ham."
Sung by us Yeovil fans during our 2-1 defeat at Millwall. (Dan Gillard, England). Brave or just plain daft? Ed.
"Are you England in disguise?"
Jubilant Staines Town fans to Stockport counterparts after scoring an early goal on Thursday. (Matt, Chertsey).
"Three caretakers' blue and white army!"
Barrow fans pay tribute to their three-man player/caretaker management team in the FA Cup first round replay at Bournemouth. (Andy Steel, England).
"Banksy, Banksy, swing on the bar!"
Hearts fans to goalkeeper Steve Banks while winning 4-1 against Aberdeen. Banks then runs up and swings on the bar! (Thomas Arnot, Scotland).
"He's big, he's Scouse, he looks like Mickey Mouse - it's Franny Jeffers, Franny Jeffers!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans against Southampton. (Molly Fenwick, Doncaster).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK "Has anyone got any cheese?"
The Penrith announcer's comment which was unwittingly broadcast over the public address system during the game with Marske United. (Paul, Marske).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the Week 7/12
"They searched the house and took a computer away that I bought my wife two years ago - I think she learnt to turn it on four weeks ago."
Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a 'football corruption' investigation.
"I held a meeting with my players. I told them about the agent and that allegedly he had paid some of his fee to the player. All of them wanted his phone number because they had never heard of an agent who wanted to give a player any money!"
Redknapp's plans to stick to a prepared statement don't last long.
"I have received texts from many players who I have worked with - and top managers - and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails because now I haven't got a computer."
Harry gives Peter Kay a run for his money as he warms to his theme.
"We have to improve massively at either end of the field."
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is delighted with his midfield.
"People say we are having no luck, but we are - it's just all bad.''
Southgate is desperately in need of a rabbit foot or two.
"The fire is always ready but now it looks as though you are burned on the village green quicker than ever before."
Arsene Wenger gets fired-up about the number of managers getting the boot.
"This win means I may be able to leave the house now."
Roy Keane after Sunderland's win over Derby. And just who would be daft to have a pop at him?
"I really feed off the positivity from the media, the crowds and the supporters - it's like a 15th club in my bag."
Golfer Michael Campbell puts a new spin on football's 12th man as he plays in the New Zealand Open.
"It's red hot on the field, it's red hot in the dressing room and what do you get for lunch? Red-hot curry."
Aggers gets hot under the collar in Sri Lanka.
"I think I'd be brilliant! My ego thinks I'd be brilliant. Actually the rest of me thinks I'd do it brilliantly!''
Martin O'Neill admits he would make a brilliant England manager - after ruling himself out of the running.
"England do not have a game until February, so why make a decision over a bacon butty at 8.30am?"
Sir Alex Ferguson believes the FA made a pig's ear of Steve McClaren's sacking.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."
Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes. (Jim Kelleher, England).
"If he was a footballer he'd be in A&E by now."
Brian Moore while James Hook was having his dislocated finger popped back into place during Wales v South Africa. (Rich Griff, Wales).
"We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more."
Ryan Giggs on MUTV after the 2-0 defeat of Fulham. (Tommy).
"His looks have taken a bit of a battering this season. When he came here he looked a bit like a pop star but now he is looking like Sloth from the Goonies, if that's not too cruel on Sloth."
Morecambe winger Garry Thompson on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. (Matt, England).
"Alan Smith is not happy with Martin Atkinson, who could yellow card him for that haircut."
Announcer on Setanta during the Blackburn-Newcastle game. (John Kingma, Canada).
"...and Ferguson scores to make it 2-2 again."
Archie Macpherson during Rangers-Stuttgart. (Mark, Scotland).
"This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us." Darren Bent stating the obvious after Tottenham's Uefa Cup fightback against Aalborg. (Dominic Edmundson, UK).
"Murali took the wicket of Paul Collingwood, taking him past Shane Ward's record!"
Radio 1 sports reporter on Jo Whiley's show. Bit of a career change for Shane since winning the X-Factor! (Dan Godfrey, England).
"If they released a Titus Bramble bloopers DVD, it would be four hours long."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 after Bramble's latest mistake. (Kenny Lomas, England).
"And Porto look very comfortable with this 1-1 lead."
Heard in commentary during the Liverpool-Porto match. (Dominic, Australia).
"It looks like he's pulled a rabbit out of the bag."
David Pleat on Juande Ramos's astute tactics. Ramos appears to have left his hat back in Spain. (Richard Furness, UK).
"They've kept three or four clean sheets in the last couple of games."
Cambridge United manager Jimmy Quinn talking on 5 Live. (Chick, Wales).
"I don't think you can ever retire from international rugby."
Ben Cohen guaranteeing an exciting World Cup in 2047. (Peter, Bosnia & Herzegovina).
"I'll bare my bum in Binns window again if Boro score more than 40 goals this season."
Bernie Slaven on Century FM. Slaven did just that in 1999 after Boro beat Man Utd. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank).
"The scoreline of 4-0 doesn't tell the full story. It's been all too easy for Liverpool."
Jan Molby watches Liverpool grind out a win against Bolton. (George Quin, England).
"We have been beaten 4-0 but no way was there four goals between the teams."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's 4-0 defeat at home. So when is there four goals between teams? (Joe Duane, England).
"I am always focused on training and coaching my team!"
A beaming David Moyes repeats the Rafa Benitez mantra in a pre-match press conference, to the delight of journalists. (Andy, England).
"He has the physique of a newspaper boy."
A classic Archie MacPherson quote describing the skinny DaMarcus Beasley. (Matthew Bowron, Scotland).
"I'm not being funny, but David Unsworth is fatter than me and Gavin Mahon couldn't even pass wind accurately today."
Martin Price commentating on Watford v Burnley on BBC 3CR. (Jonny Moloney, England).
"Martin Jol was literally a dead man walking at Spurs."
Steve Claridge on 5 Live during Spurs v West Ham. (Mike, England).
"I'm not upset. I'm upset because we lost the game."
Arsene Wenger after the Sevilla defeat. Erm, which is it, Arsene? (Maurice K Nyambe, Zambia).
"Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England).
"It's unbelievable. It's not a surprise because I know I can play, but reaching the semi-finals is a surprise."
Kevin McDine after reaching the Grand Slam of Darts semi-finals. Make up your mind, Kev! (Paul, Devon).
"I received more tackles in one game than I've had in my entire life. It was the same last year too."
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra gets confused after being 'kicked off the pitch' in the Bolton game. Maybe it was concussion! (Jon Allsop, England).
"It would be the equivalent of Frank Sinatra coming over here and not playing Wembley, but playing at Batley Frontier Working Men's Club."
Aidy Boothroyd on the possibility of Al Bangura getting deported, and having to play in Sierra Leone. (Dave, Bournemouth).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"I am the Music Man.
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man. As sung by Black Lace and The Tweenies, amongst others - Ed. (Danny Bostock, Wrexham).
"Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson. (Paul, London).
Newcastle fans: "Shearer! Shearer!"
Blackburn fans: "Where did Shearer win the league?"
Banter at Blackburn-Newcastle. (Andy, England).
"Sven, Sven wherever you may be/You are the pride of Man City/You can s*** my wife on our settee/If we win a cup at Wem-ber-lee."
Man City fans to Sven. (Jim Hall, Rainow).
"You're staying home, you're staying home, England staying home!"
Cardiff to travelling Ipswich fans, to the tune of Three Lions. (Jack, Wales).
"You're just a town with one surname."
Cambridge Utd fans to Burton. (James, England).
"Hey, Swansea... leave our sheep alone!"
Tranmere fans to Swansea - to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. (Will, UK).
"You're just a theme park in Preston."
Southampton fans to Blackpool counterparts. (Will T, England).
"You're not going home!"
Preston fans to Charlton after a stadium announcement saying the M6 southbound had been closed down. (Matt, England).
"You are our feeder club."
Tottenham fans to West Ham fans.
"That's why you're going down."
West Ham fans' response. (Gary Arnold, England).
"He's got his IQ on his shirt."
Sung to James Scowcroft by Colchester fans - he wears the number eight. (Tom, Essex).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester's announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace. (Greg, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Arrow, is it me you're looking for?"
At the Grand Slam of Darts. (Neil, UK).
Likte spesielt denne:
"Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England).
Ellers mangler vel Norman Hunters undring etter at Prutton fikk gult kort nr.6; "He can't even tackle a hot dinner!"
flynn
What they said in 2007
Pick of the sporting quotes from the last 12 months
Many of sports key figures have had plenty to say for themselves during 2007. Here we pick out the the best quotes from the last 12 months
A FUNNY OLD GAME
"We played like a bunch of drunks" - Yossi Benayoun on West Ham's 6-0 defeat to Reading on New Year's Day.
"If it was a boxing match it would be Muhammad Ali against Jimmy Krankie" - Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd did not rate his side's chances against Manchester United.
"They have my credit card number, and we will say, 'How much do you need this week? Let's do it'" - Arsene Wenger on Arsenal's frequent trips to face the Football Association's disciplinary panel.
"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures" - Ken Bates after finally succeeding in retaining control at Leeds.
"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the South African World Cup" - Robbie Savage on Wales' World Cup 2012 hopes under John Toshack.
THE AWARD FOR DIPLOMACY GOES TO.....
"It doesn't matter whether it's cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England" - Australian Rugby Union boss John O'Neill.
"If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it's a sad state of affairs" - Sunderland boss Roy Keane blasts those players who let their wives and girlfriends dictate who they sign for.
"Playing against a small team it is not always easy when they have nine men behind the ball" - Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez caused fury with his assessment of rivals Everton.
ANGER MANAGEMENT
"Don't ever call me a bottler on radio with all those thousands of people listening" - Jamie Carragher reacts angrily to a radio debate on his international retirement.
"I am not going to leave. Never. I am staying here for life" - Thierry Henry scoffed at talk of a move from Arsenal. He later left for Barcelona.
WORDS OF WISDOM
"Two minutes after people see this interview I'll just be that big gay guy" - Former England international John Amaechi, now retired, after becoming the first NBA player to 'out' himself.
"This is the icing on the gravy" - American Lucas Glover after qualifying for the Open.
"This was as good as I could have been" - A retiring Tim Henman takes a final swipe at critics who claimed he underachieved.
"We were on £65 per week when I played and I always say that if I was on £25,000 per week they could put boxes of tomatoes around the track and they could throw them at me if I had a bad game. That's the way I see it." - Former Celtic star George Connelly reflects on changing times and the modern pay packets.
THE WORD IN UNION
"I used to milk 100 cows six days a week, and then go to a place like Newbridge, in Wales, on a wet Wednesday night and have my head kicked in. It was a tough apprenticeship, but you know what? I miss those days'' - Phil Vickery revealed the tough road that led to the England captaincy.
"Whatever they say from 12,000 miles away, I bet they wish they were sitting where I am now" - Brian Ashton on leading England to the World Cup final.
"There were about 30 text messages on my phone. I think 29 out of the 30 had 'robbed' in the text" - Winger Mark Cueto on his try that never was in England's 15-6 final loss to South Africa.
FAT FIGHTERS
"Ricky Hatton ain't nothing but a fat man." - Floyd Mayweather got personal.
"I've definitely proved the fat man is back" - Ricky Hatton after destroying Jose Luis Castillo inside four rounds in Las Vegas.
STICKY WICKET
"When it came to trying to catch the ball, I honestly thought I was going to hurt him, so uncoordinated was he" - Former England coach Duncan Fletcher's sensational revelation about Andrew Flintoff turning up to training drunk during the Ashes.
"One word changed the context of the whole article, a word which I didn't say" - Michael Vaughan's attempt to claim he did not use the word 'Fredalo' in his comments about England's World Cup demise. He did.
"Zaheer obviously came in and wasn't too pleased - I think he prefers the blue ones to the pink ones" - Paul Collingwood makes light of the Jelly Bean scandal that marred England's Test defeat to India.
FORMULA ONE
"I just found out the other day I've slept with Dido. If I did, I don't remember it!" - Lewis Hamilton reacts to his new-found media profile.
"I am still quite happy. To have come from GP2, who would have thought I'd be number two in my first season in Formula One?" - Lewis Hamilton remains philosophical after throwing away his world title hopes at the last.
"I think there is some kind of justice" - Ferrari's Kimi Raikkonen, who snatched the crown from Hamilton, believed McLaren's role in the spying scandal meant they did not deserve the title.
THE SPECIAL ONE
"I think I will love Chelsea forever. I cannot separate my story with Chelsea's story" - Jose Mourinho deflected rumours of a Chelsea departure early in the year.
"If we win, we go to the semi-final, if we lose, I will go to Earl's Court and watch the wrestling on the 24th" - Mourinho, after his side's Champions League quarter-final first-leg draw with Valencia.
"I am not 'The Special One'. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special" - Mourinho's replacement Avram Grant at his first press conference as Chelsea boss.
SkySports
BBC: Quotes of the Year
The Special One departed, the Hitman was knocked out and we welcomed the arrival of a new British Formula One star.
And they all played their part in making 2007 one of the best years ever - for sporting quotes.
JUST FOR LAUGHS
"I used to milk 100 cows six days a week, and then go to a place like Newbridge, in Wales, on a wet Wednesday night and have my head kicked in. It was a tough apprenticeship, but you know what? I miss those days."
New England rugby union captain Phil Vickery reminisces about the good ol' days.
"It's a bit like Amsterdam. They look great in the window, but it's different when you go inside."
Comic Bob Mills debates the perils of football's transfer window.
"I didn't know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from."
Boo Weekley with his verdict on St Andrews. Weekley hails from Milton in Florida. His nickname comes from Yogi Bear's sidekick, Boo Boo Bear.
"All through the match I just wasn't there, I didn't perform. I played like a fish!"
Mark Williams misses out on a plaice in the second round of the World Snooker Championship after losing to Joe Swail.
"Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists - I smoke."
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.
"I felt the rear end go down, selected first gear and thought I saw the lolly move."
Lewis Hamilton on jumping the gun during a pit stop at Silverstone. At least we think that's what he was talking about.
"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"
Cesc Fabregas reveals his Homer Simpson fitness philosophy.
"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder ahead of the clash with the New York Giants at Wembley. Americans - gotta love 'em.
"It is nice to be recognised for actually achieving something in life as opposed to spending seven weeks in a house on TV with a load of other muppets."
British cyclist Bradley Wiggins has a pop at Big Brother after finishing fourth in the Tour de France prologue.
"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland.
"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures."
Ken Bates after winning his battle to retain control at Leeds United.
"I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe."
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decides to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph on video and finds his kids have taped over it.
"He hit me below the belt, south of the border, south of the equator, everywhere you can imagine. What a filthy fighter."
Alex Arthur reveals his displeasure at the tactics of Koba Gogoladze after knocking out the Georgian during their super featherweight clash.
"I was made to stand on a chair and sing Lulu's 'Shout' to the lads as part of the initiation... it was only after I'd finished - and they'd stopped laughing - that I found out I was the only new player to do it."
Bristol City new boy Lee Trundle is singing from a different hymn sheet to the rest of his team-mates.
"He will find out the hard way on his birthday that he has got a present he never wanted.''
Graham Earl vows to wish Amir Khan an unhappy 21st birthday ahead of their fight in December. Earl was knocked out after 72 seconds.
"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.
"Dad's tiny - his passport picture is a full-length shot. He looks like he just hopped off a key ring. Mum is a different matter, she's a bit of a handful to say the least. I love her more than anyone on this Earth. But she's a monster."
Boxer Ricky Hatton lavishes praise on his parents.
He's got quite a bit of rhythm to him but you ought to see me on the dance floor in Manchester on a Saturday night with 12 pints of Guinness inside me - he doesn't even come close."
Hatton poo-poos Floyd Mayweather's appearance on Dancing With The Stars.
FOOTBALL FUNNIES
"I reckon he left the club in a much better state than when he took over."
Text message to BBC Five Live after Leroy Rosenior lasts just 10 minutes as Torquay manager.
"Up front we played like world beaters - at the back it was more like panel beaters."
Wigan manager Paul Jewell on a 3-3 draw with Spurs.
"I look forward to taking the club into a new era."
Comment from new Luton chairman David Pinkney in April - the club went in administration, were hit by a raft of FA charges and docked 10 points in November.
"I am not the 'Special One'. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special. What am I like? I am 180cm."
New Chelsea manager Avram Grant has them rolling in the aisles in his first press conference.
"Lampsy, I reckon. The girls like him a little bit. If I was that way I'd see something in him."
Chelsea captain John Terry when asked by the club's TV station to name the best-looking player in the squad.
"There's a few ugly ones. Carlo is probably the best looking."
Lampard plumps for Carlo Cudicini.
"I didn't know it was against the rules."
Cabofriense defender Cleberson after being booked for kissing the referee during a 3-1 defeat by Botafogo at the Maracana.
"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you."
Barcelona striker Thierry Henry on his intimate relationship with the Spanish hacks.
"Well I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon - which is something I've never done before, obviously."
David Beckham on his role in Disney's Dream Portrait ads.
"These so-called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well they are weak and soft. If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it's a sad state of affairs."
Sunderland boss Roy Keane says what he thinks - just for a change.
"I had 18 players at Brentford and 20 at MK Dons, but when you see all the players run out at training here it's like a scene from Zulu!"
Martin Allen compares the size of his Leicester squad to the Michael Caine epic...not a lot of people knew that.
"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the World Cup."
What Robbie Savage reportedly told Wales manager John Toshack. At least he's not bitter.
"I'll bounce back - I'm not one to lie on a beach."
Former England manager Steve McClaren, shortly before jetting off for a break in Barbados.
JOSE MOURINHO
"My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away."
Jose Mourinho uses his post-FA Cup final speech to reassure the population that his runaway Yorkie has left the country.
"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
Mourinho was desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.
"I would love to gather all the fans together to say goodbye but they would crush me with their love."
Jose is as modest as ever on leaving Stamford Bridge.
IAN HOLLOWAY
"I think the Bosman thing is a pile of donkey dung."
BBC Sport columnist Ian Holloway, the former Plymouth manager, after learning midfielder Tony Capaldi was considering his future.
"If I'd have been one of their fans I'd have hit him with a bottle myself."
Holloway after an over-the-top goal celebration by Pilgrims player Hasney Aljofree led to bottles being thrown by Peterborough fans.
"I love the big man, absolutely brilliant. Some of the films were a bit dodgy. That one where he was diving off a cliff, he climbed back up to the top, his hair was immaculate and he wasn't even wet... and for me that's why he's the King.
All shook up over Elvis.
"It's still in my body and I'll have to pass it at sometime but my passing's absolutely diabolical. That's what I told the doctor: "What chance have I got of passing anything - did you see me play?!"
Holloway speaks about his kidney stone.
"If we're talking lookalikes he's Toad of Toad Hall, isn't he?"
On new Chelsea boss Avram Grant.
"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."
His take on punk, after the Sex Pistols announced a UK tour.
"If that was a penalty, I might as well call myself Alec McJockstrap, and put on a kilt."
Holloway, now with Leicester City, on a dodgy penalty decision.
No cartwheels, no nicknames, no second-rate books
Footballers should adopt my 10 New Year resolutions including no players under age of 38 permitted to write autobiographies
Rod Liddle
EL-HADJI DIOUF hasn’t spat at anyone for absolutely ages, has he? It’s a great shame and has seriously diminished my enjoyment of televised Premier League matches this season. There was a time when Diouf seemed incapable of lasting 90 minutes without arcing a pale green, glutinous stream of Senegalese phlegm into the face of some despised opponent, or a bunch of fans. But not any more.
Maybe Bolton have had his saliva glands surgically removed, just as someone clearly once surgically removed Joey Barton’s brain and replaced it with an Iceland deep frozen “King Prawn Ring with Marie Rose Sauce†(£3 while stocks last). More likely, though, is that Diouf sat himself down on New Year’s Eve 2006 and made a resolution: no more flobbing, for a bit.
You admire his resolve, and it’s an example which might be followed by quite a few of our gilded, overpaid moppets. Here are the New Year resolutions I’d like them to adopt, and adhere to, on pain of having their baby Bentleys impounded:
1. Goal celebrations. Henceforth players who score a goal will, at the very most, raise an arm in the air and smile self-deprecatingly before receiving a manly handshake from their captain. No cartwheels, no careering in maddened joy towards the corner flag, no oral sex with the rest of the team in the centre circle, no going “Sssshhhhh†to the crowd as if the achievement of scoring a goal has altered our collective perception of you as being an utter and complete tosser (take note, Lee Hughes). And if Nicolas Anelka is fortunate enough to score again this season, he will not do that massively irritating and rather effete bird-type thing with his hands. One of those Bents - Marcus, I think it is, the one who sometimes plays for Wigan â€" does a similar thing on the crushingly rare occasions that he scores a goal. He seems a comparatively likeable chap, Marcus Bent, certainly not in the same league of self-delusion and perpetual petulance as Anelka. So give it a rest, mate. You’ve scored a goal against Fulham or Middlesbrough? Hell, we could all do that. It’s no big deal. Spurs’ Robbie Keane, mercifully, seems to have stopped doing that crouch-down-firing-an-arrow business and has become a much better player as a consequence. Clearly Robbie had never actually fired an arrow in his life. If his mime were made real the bowstring would have snapped back into his face and the arrow ended up in his foot.
2. In postmatch press conferences, football managers will refer to their underachieving players with stiff formality bordering on disdain. They will use the Brian Clough-approved formula of “Edward Sheringhamâ€; no more “Stevie†Gerrard, or “Lampsâ€. Indulge the cretins and they will let you down. Take note, Signor Capello.
3. Newcastle United supporters will at long last accustom themselves to the patently obvious fact that their team will never win anything, ever, regardless of who they employ as manager or centre-forward. You are overachieving right now, you Geordies. You should be nestling one place below Wigan, by rights. Forget the 1950s.
4. Meanwhile, the majority of Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal “supporters†will resolve to no longer mortgage their houses for the privilege of watching their team three times a season, or gaping at them on the TV every week, but instead support their local clubs (i.e. Stoke City, Torquay United and Kilmarnock).
5. Players who choose to “roast†a young lady in a hotel following the inevitable euphoria of a narrow victory over Derby County will take the requisite steps to ascertain the young lady’s explicit acquiescence in proceedings. Beforehand.
6. No players under the age of 38 will be permitted to write an autobiography, especially not if it is ghosted by some third-rate, semi-literate hack from the Daily Mail. Nor will they be permitted to make “hilarious†TV programmes about pranks played upon their colleagues.
7. When showing the fifth round of the FA Cup on Match of the Day, the BBC producers will understand that the least interesting fixture is Manchester United versus Chelsea, or Aston Villa versus Liverpool, or Arsenal versus Manchester City, because we’ve already seen these bloody games nine times already this season. The interesting fixtures are between the teams we don’t usually see on Match of the Day â€" the likes of Chasetown, Horsham, Blackpool and Middlesbrough.
8. The Football League will resolve that any club which has failed to pay its police bill, or otherwise defrauded local people, will be relegated without appeal. Two divisions in the case of Leeds United.
9. Managers who complain long and loud that they will be missing players who have gone off to take part in the African Cup of Nations or the InterToto Cup for PostSoviet Nuclear Wastelands will be slapped around the face and reminded that they were not compelled to buy those players in the first place. And that, whatever they might think, a player’s country comes first, even if it’s Dagestan. Or indeed England.
10. Players who whine about abuse from opposing supporters will have deducted from their pay packets the amount of money contributed by paying fans. Yes, I’m talking about you, Sol Campbell. They said beastly things about you? Aww. Dry your eyes on a fifty pound note, then.
That will do, for starters. And for those of you expecting great things from your team in the next 12 months â€" God help you and keep that delusion alive.
Times
Rod Liddle is the most controversial commentator on sport in the British media. Previously the editor of BBC Radio 4’s Today programme and now a columnist with The Spectator, he brings an often outrageous and always provocative fan's view to The Sunday Times every week
BBC: Quotes of the week
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Nice shirt, Mikey
"I saw Mike's shirt. He asked me to sign it but I refused!"
Returning Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan after seeing Magpies owner Mike Ashley wearing a top with 'King Kev' on the back.
"The match for them is a bit like people down south going to the theatre. They want to be entertained."
Keegan on the Geordie passion for football, before putting on Much Ado About Nothing at St James' Park on Saturday.
"People think I've been out of the game for 100 years."
'The Messiah' in his first press conference since leaving Man City in 1905.
"I think sometimes you guys write the truth but sometimes your editors chop out some important bits - the facts."
Keegan knows how to keep the assembled hacks sweet.
"That's what it said in the papers - let's hope the papers are right!"
When asked if it was true he had £30m to spend in the transfer window.
"I just thought, sod it, let's attack them."
Reading boss Steve Coppell goes for broke against Man Utd.
"Someone has had it away and when I find out who it is, it's going to be bloody. Legs will be broken."
Royals skipper Graeme Murty takes the news that someone has half-inched the shirt he swapped with Ronaldo really well.
"Maybe one of the apprentices has had it. Maybe Murts should check ebay in a day or two!"
Reading striker Kevin 'Columbo' Doyle has his suspicions.
"If the morals of an alley cat exist in the boardroom then you can't expect players to be leaders and virtuous on and off the pitch."
Luton boss Kevin Blackwell has a pop at Liverpool's owners over their treatment of Rafa Benitez ahead of his side's FA Cup third round replay at Anfield.
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David Beckham, eat your heart out
"I'm much better for having lived in a garage."
New Bolton signing Gretar Steinsson hopes to park himself in the first team after his spell in a lock-up in Switzerland.
"He would go out there on crutches and play if we asked him."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson gives Jimmy Bullard a leg-up after his return from injury.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I have a feeling everyone is putting two and two together and making four."
Chris Coleman's agent Alan Smith on Radio 5 Live on the chances of him becoming number two to Keegan at Newcastle. Nice to see he can add up! (Karen Mason, England).
"When Kevin Keegan arrived at Newcastle you could literally see the shackles being shook off the players."
Fan on 5 Live debate at Shearer's Bar. (Julian, England).
"One, I don't know if he wants a two, and two I'm not sure I want to be one."
Alan Shearer discussing any role he may have with Kevin Keegan at Newcastle. (Colm Dunne, Ireland).
"I would love it, love it if we beat them on Saturday."
Sheffield Wednesday boss Brian Laws goes all Kevin Keegan before the Sheffield derby. (Tom Smith, England).
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Never see 'em in the same room
"Does anyone else think that David Moyes looks like Moe from The Simpsons?"
Harvey, on 606, may have a point. (Phil, England).
"Least but not last, I would like to thank the Dubai Government."
Haille Gebrselassie after winning the Dubai Marathon. (Jon Maskell, Dubai).
"I'm looking forward to going to Qatar again, it's my first time there."
Luke Donald in Abu Dhabi. (Gary O, Hertfordshire).
"We're not relegated yet and there'll be no throwing in of the white flag."
Scunthorpe manager Nigel Adkins after defeat by Wolves. It's got to be one cliche or the other, Nigel, you can't make up your own! (Tom Sperrink, England).
"It's Pablo that gets caught with his knickers down and Robinho dances around him...pulls it back for Raul. Raul says 'Thank you very much, Brazilian boy!' It's off to the races! Like a thoroughbred. Robinho's vision, Robinho's class, Raul's deadly dagger!"
Ray Hudson, GolTV Commentator during Atletico Madrid-Real Madrid. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).
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I've never told a lie in me life - uh-oh
"Are you telling the truth? Because your nose will get longer if you are not."
Jeff Stelling to pundit Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday. (Jack D, London).
"The Mel Gibson film 'What Women Want' was scheduled to be shown at this time, I'm sure this is not what it is."
Guy Mowbray during a rather uneventful first half of the FA Cup third round replay between Man City and West Ham. (David Macleod, Scotland).
"Obviously no-one's shown him how to use the kitchen. If you want to have pasta, why don't you make it, son?!"
BBC Radio 5 Live's Alan Green on Man City striker Rolando Bianchi's dislike of English food. (Rich Gledhill, UK).
"This is volley porn!"
Adrian Chiles when comparing spectacular volleyed goals on MOTD2. (Richard Lynch, Chester).
"Oba Martins v Spurs 14/1/07... Nigerian ace collects 25 yards from goal before smashing an unstoppable 30-yard shot beyond Paul Robinson."
nufc.co.uk votes for goal of the year. (Samuel Ronbom, UK).
"Havant and Waterlooville were literally fighting for their lives out there."
A little extreme from Lee Dixon. It was only Swansea. (Sanu, UK).
"He just walks into a room and a player grows by 20 per cent."
Steven Harper on Kevin Keegan. It's a good job he isn't England manager anymore, Peter Crouch would be through the ceiling! (Mark Gower, England).
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Do you believe in cod?
"GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! The Cod has scored!"
Heard on Catalunya Radio during Barcelona v Murcia when Eidur Gudjohnsen scored. (Hannah Margrett, Spain).
"It was wrong that they spoke to him behind his back. They should have done it behind closed doors."
Liverpool fans speaking about the treatment of Rafa Benitez. (Malc Williams, UK).
"A really great performance from a team who have not only played intelligently, but also cleverly."
Comment on Talksport after Bury's shock defeat of Norwich. (Tom, England).
"This is a three-lap race, two short laps and two long ones!"
Brendan Foster commentating on the cross country in Edinburgh. (Dave Clark-Wilson, Isle of Man).
"It just shows that shocks can happen when you least expect them."
Willo Flood ahead of Dundee United's cup tie with Clyde. (Brendan Croft, Scotland).
"Alos coming in for Spurs - no, sorry, also coming in."
Ian Payne during build up to Reading-Spurs. (Ben, England).
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Once a red, always a red
"He's like a magnet...he smells danger."
Mike Newell on Jamie Carragher's defensive abilities. (Jack, Oxford).
"That was as electrifying as a hair-dryer getting thrown into a bath full of water!"
US commentator describes Fernando Torres' screamer against Middlesbrough. (Ashley Thornton-Jones, England).
"It hurts a lot and it's hard to describe how much I am hurting at the moment."
Glenn Roeder on Norwich's defeat by Bury. (Chris Gandhi, UK).
"He's an unhappy Campo."
Mark Lawrenson on Ivan Campo's early exit. Genius. (Jon T, England).
"I think he scored more tonight than I've scored in 500 games."
Jamie Carragher on Steven Gerrard's hat-trick against Luton.
"To sack him at this stage doesn't make any sense to me, but, to be honest, most things don't make any sense to me."
Paul Merson tries to make sense of Sam Allardyce's departure. (Both from Painy).
Barbara Schett: "You wouldn't believe it would be possible to win three tournaments just seven months after giving birth."
Mats Wilander: "It certainly would be impossible on the men's tour!"
On Lindsay Davenport's return. (Howard, Netherlands).
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Three quid for this shirt - bargain
"What shirt am I wearing, bruv? Are you being serious?!"
Leeds' Jermaine Beckford when asked about his future on Sky Sports. (Peter, UK).
"Stay in school, kids, or you might end up being an umpire."
Andy Roddick expressing his approval of the umpire during his third round Australian Open match against Phillipp Kohlschreiber. (Jon, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You Fill Up My Senses
Like A Home Game With Wigan
Like A Goal From Paul Scharner
Like a Goal From Teves
Like a peno from Unsworth
Like a bye bye to Warnock
Like Sheffield United
You ****** up again!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans teasing United in the steel city derby. (Molly Fenwick, England).
"Bryan, top marks for not trying - with your rubbish formations and awful choices, you should get the boot soon."
Wednesday fans to Bryan Robson, to the tune of Arctic Monkeys' Brianstorm.(James, England).
"You can stick your Yorkshire pudding up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to Doncaster. (Sam, Carlisle).
"What's that coming out of the air - it's Martin Laursen, it's Martin Laursen."
Villa fans to their goalscoring defender. (Darren, England).
"You're getting sacked in the morning"
Luton fans to Rafa Benitez.
"You're going bust in the morning!"
Liverpool fans reply. (Sam Jackson, England).
"There's only one Jurgen Klinsmann!"
Luton fans after Liverpool sang Benitez's name. (Elliot Georges, England).
"Mixu Paatelainen, what a ******* signing!"
Hibernian fans to their new manager. (Alun Davies, Wales).
"Nice one Harry, nice one son, nice one Harry, for turning down the scum!"
Sunderland fans to Harry Redknapp. (Iain Turner, England).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Would the owner of vehicle number XXXXXX, please go to reception, as they have your keys and the windows are wide open. Oh and I got this message five minutes ago."
At Home Park, Plymouth. (Matthew Monaghan, England).
"Mr X, your wife has just gone into labour. You don't have to leave if you don't want to."At Cardiff v Sheffield Wednesday. Jack Reynolds, Wales
"I haven't got a clue who scored that, but at least we're winning."
Bramall Lane announcer after Sheffield United took the lead against QPR. (Alan Ellis, England).
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Whadda ya mean, not that Exotic Dancer? See Headline of the Week
"Goal for David Brid!"
Announcer at Whaddon Road when Cheltenham's David Bird scored against Bournemouth. (Sam King, England).
"And the score is West Ham 1, Fulham 1. Fulham's scorer was Simon Davies - at least someone from Tottenham has scored today!"
Chelsea announcer at half-time against Spurs. (Hanif Price, England).
HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
"Geraghty rides Exotic Dancer."
On the RTE racing index regarding Barry Geraghty's er, mount, at Cheltenham on Saturday. (Mark Tracey, Ireland).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the week
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You think this is angry? Wait 'til I've had a trim
"I think the haircut helps. Having my hair cut used to help me. I used to feel leaner and sharper. Meaner. So I might shave mine next month."
Sunderland boss Roy Keane after newly-shorn keeper Craig Gordon pulled off a series of fine shaves against Wigan.
"I'm not saying whether I'm wearing them, but I hope I don't get knocked down by a bus on the way home!"
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson dedicates the victory over Sheffield Wednesday to the pair of lucky pants his mum bought him.
"The bottom line is Steven Gerrard doesn't need to be England captain, but you get an extra 10% from JT if he's in charge. I'm not saying John is less of a player when he's not captain..."
Former England boss Steve McClaren gets himself in a tizzy after backing 'JT' for the national team captaincy.
"I'm sure he'll have a headache because I hit him with shots where his face was changing shape but he was still standing there."
Amir Khan on rearranging the face of Gary St Clair.
"I am not a Messiah."
Fabio Capello realises he can't compete with Kevin Keegan.
"A lot of people have aches and pains - I had one or two before I got there!"
Munich air crash survivor Harry Gregg produces a lighter moment at the service to mark the 50th anniversary of the disaster.
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I'm OK for now, thanks, Mr Whelan
"The only feedback I've had off the chairman is him asking me 'Do you want a pie?'"
Steve Bruce insists the chips aren't down at Wigan.
"He didn't play in any of the six away games in the last qualifying group. We have asked him if he could manage a few this time around, we would appreciate it! Now we have got three away friendlies on the run, and the bookies in Cardiff have offered me 11-1 that he won't be in any of them."
Wales manager John Toshack wants Jason Koumas to start playing away.
"It seems as if the Premier League is more interested in going on holiday at the moment and sunning themselves in Los Angeles or Japan."
Brentford manager Andy Scott will take action on goal-line technology over a worldwide Premier League any day of the week.
"This is the night 'The Executioner' gets executed."
Joe Calzaghe promises to inflict some capital punishment on Bernard Hopkins.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"As I sit here with a couple of world class hookers..."
Gaby Logan after the France-Ireland rugby match. (She was referring to co-commentators Wood and Ibanez.) (Aaron, England).
"It was good just to see them train, get a feel of them."
New Scotland boss George Burley gets to know his squad a bit better. (Jolyon Edwards, UK).
''It certainly sounds like he's in Buenos Aires.''
5 Live commentator after speaking to a Davis Cup reporter. (Marcus Jackson, England).
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Are you Royston in disguise?
"He swivels his hips like Marilyn Monroe!"
GolTV's Ray Hudson on Royston Drenthe, during Real Madrid's 7-0 walloping of Valladolid. (Senora Kati, USA).
"A spirited performance where we ran out winners by one goat to nil."
From Dagenham website after performance against Wycombe. Goat?! (Jamey Barron, Liverpool).
"You always lose when your opponents score and you don't."
Words of wisdom from France coach Raymond Domenech after losing 1-0 to Spain. (Julian, England).
"Ghana are finding it difficult to impregnate the Cameroon defence."
Eurosport commentator during the Ghana-Cameroon Africa Cup of Nations semi-final. I think he meant 'penetrate'! (Edd, England).
"The middle stump is having a sideways look on life."
David Lloyd's response after a Kiwi batsman was bowled in the second Twenty20 v England. (Simon Kendall, Cornwall).
"I can't have a burger without putting on half a stone."
John Hartson commenting on his struggle to keep fit. (Lisa B, UK). He retired shortly afterwards. Ed.
"Sunderland have started like a house on fire!"
Chris Kamara, Soccer Saturday. (Miller, England).
"If it's going to go wrong I want it to go wrong the way I want it to."
Falkirk manager John Hughes gets it all wrong. (Brendan, Glasgow).
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Yellow coats? Brilliant!
"I don't know if he had a childhood trauma involving a man in a flourescent yellow coat."
Eurosport's Gary Imlach suggests reasons for Cameroon defender André Bikey's insane sending off after pushing a medical worker at the Africa Cup of Nations. (Phil, England).
"Matt Taylor is off - and what a chance he had. Two chances - three in fact, actually, if you count the third."
Gary Weaver commentating on the Bolton-Portsmouth game as Matt Taylor goes off. (Paul Collier, USA).
"Boumas scored Villa's first in the 48th minute then, just three months later, Carew scored his first of the game."
Channel 7 reporter on the marathon Aston Villa-Newcastle game. (Ruairidh Calderwood, Australia).
"Mark McGhee had the right word for the conditions - 'not adept'."
Setanta Sports' Craig Burley after the Motherwell-Celtic game was called off.(Brian Duncan, Scotland).
"Steven Reid's knee has blown up, so we've sent him back to Blackburn."
Ray Houghton on Talksport - must have been an explosive tackle. (Cocknio DiCanio, England).
"We didn't treat them like some Greek myth. There was no Godzilla out there.''
David Tyree of the New York Giants after beating New England Patriots in the Superbowl. So Godzilla is part of Greek mythology, then? (Carsten Adamsen, Denmark).
"Dwight Yorke has come off - and the only man who could replace him...was the son of a Prica man."
Sky Sports' Jeff Stelling on Sunderland substitute Rade Prica. (John, Scotland).
"Lewis Moody leaps in the air like the salmon that he is."
Matt Dawson commentating on England v Wales in the Six Nations. (Phil Langley, UK).
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Mystic Meg - top fella
"I'm not that bloke Mystic Meg."
Rio Ferdinand gets the sex of his astrologers muddled up while being asked what impact Fabio Capello will have on the England team, according to the Daily Mail. (Lee, England).
"Derby are toothless in attack, there's no way they'll score."
Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday watching Birmingham v Derby. Derby equalised just as he finished his sentence. (Jonathan Wood, England).
"I've got more points on my licence - I'm not joking!"
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side's meagre points total. (Chris, England).
"Believe you me, if that ball had gone in the net, it would have been a goal."
Willie Miller (Aberdeen Director of Football) commentating on the Dundee United-Hibs game for Radio Scotland. (Kevin McCann, Edinburgh).
THE MOTTY AND LAWRO SHOW
Lawro: "Who votes for these things?"
Motty: "I think it's done, as they say, online."
Lawro: "Geeks!"
BBC commentary team discussing Steven Gerrard being voted fans' player of the year. (Anthony Burdett, England).
"And Wayne Brown brings the ball down."
Motty gets mixed up during the England-Switzerland match. Wayne Brown? (Charles McAndrew, England).
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It wasn't Beckham's night
"You could say it would have been David Beckham's night, had he been here."
Motty on Becks.(Jan, England).
"Senderos is multi-lingual, which means he can say 'ouch' in five different languages."
Lawro after Phillippe Senderos took a knock during the game. (Kenny Lomas, England).
"Crouch on the right and Wright-Phillips on the left coming on now for England."
Thanks, Motty - they're two players I often get confused!(Ian Dunnett, England).
"Now it's time to find out if Capello likes playing with a big centre forward."
Motty again. (Richard Beckett, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Jim Bullard, Bullard,
He's better than Steve Gerrard,
He's thinner than Frank Lampard,
Jim Bullard, Bullard."
Fulham fans salute Jimmy Bullard. (Chaz Whelton, England).
"Shanghai on Tuesday Nights!"
Bristol City fans give their thoughts on being promoted to the Premier League during the defeat of Sheffield Wednesday. (Gary Turner, Bristol).
"Who's the w***** with the drum?"
Sheffield United fans against Colchester.
"Sam's the w***** with the drum!"
Colchester fans reply. (Greg, England).
"We are impeccable!"
Man City fans at Old Trafford after the stadium announcer thanked them for their impeccable behaviour during the minute's silence. (Kevin, Scotland).
"Time for your sandwiches!"
City fans to their United counterparts 10 minutes before half-time as some started to leave their seats. (Paul Edwards, England).
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Decisions decisions...
"I'd rather be a sausage than an egg!"
Sung by Birmingham fans at recent away games. (Jordan Robinson, England). What?! Ed.
"Our ginge is better than your ginge!"
Bolton supporters against Portsmouth, referring to Gary Megson and Harry Redknapp. (Jack Hobson, England).
"Don't blame it on Staunton, don't blame it on Givens, don't blame it on Keano, blame it on Delaney."
Irish chant to chief executive John Delaney during the Brazil game, regarding the chaos surrounding the vacant manager's post. (Pádraig Ã" Muireagáin, Ireland).
"Just one Capello, give him to me, delicious manager, from Italy!"
England fans v Switzerland. (Leon, UK).
"You should stick to rugby league!"
Plymouth Argyle fans to Hull. (Chris, Cornwall).
"Return of the Mac!"
Leeds fans welcome home Gary McCallister.
"Dennis Wise, he's a k***, he left the Leeds for an admin job!"
And bid farewell to Dennis Wise.(Peter Smithson, UK).
"He's bald, he's old, he never plays in goal - Jens Lehmann, Jens Lehmann."
Man City fans to Lehmann.(Ste Wadsworth, England).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Please stand for the national anthem of the Republic of Northern Ireland."
The MC at St Mary's before the start of the England U21 international with the Republic of Ireland. (Steve Hickman, England).
"Please ignore the scoreboard, it is a bit out."
Heard at the Wales-Scotland match.(Gareth Hubback, Wales).
BANNERS OF THE WEEK
"Commit all your crimes when Sachin is batting. They will go unnoticed because even the Lord is watching."
Tribute to Sachin Tendulkar at the SCG. (Siddharth, India).
"Shaun Pollock: Giving ginger kids cred since 1995."
At 5th ODI between West Indies and South Africa. (Max Forrester, USA).
BBC: Quotes of the week
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Nice one, Sir Trev
"I know what it's going to be in the next round - us against Chelsea. I'm going down to Soho Square to check those balls."
Sir Alex Ferguson on his fears the FA would make a balls-up of the Cup draw. He needn't have worried.
"The 2008 Vodacom Challenge will mark Manchester United's third visit to South Africa and will create a platform for many a rising star to elevate their level of play in order to strive to become a regular member of the Manchester United starting line-up for the new English Premiership season."
Sir Alex Ferguson, according to the Press Association. Are you sure he said that?
"Can you imagine going to Fergie and telling him, 'By the way, you're not playing at home this week, you are playing in Japan'? I'd like to see it!"
Wigan manager Steve Bruce on the Premier League's plans to take games around the world.
"It would be like the Harlem Globetrotters."
Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp thinks they're all basket cases.
"Is it April 1st?"
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate can't believe he's not in on the 'joke'.
"I was chasing after him...I wouldn't normally have been anywhere near that part of the pitch, so I guess I owe him a thank you."
Barnsley hero Brian Howard dedicates his last-gasp winner against Liverpol to referee Martin Atkinson, who denied him a stonewall penalty seconds earlier.
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Special delivery coming up
"We went for a walk before the game and a bird dumped right on my head. They say that can be a lucky omen - and it was!"
Barnsley manager Simon Davey after seeing his side dump Liverpool out of the Cup.
"Everyone seems to think we will be the victims of an FA Cup upset - but then again I've been second favourite for the sack all season!"
Gareth Southgate, still in the hat, still in a job.
"I don't do heights."
Sir Ian Botham throws a wobbly after refusing to commentate on England's second one-dayer against New Zealand from a precarious 100ft high television studio.
"It's probably not going to be the most fun conversation to have with your brother."
Sibling rivalry is alive and well in the Murray household as Andy plans to confront Jamie for criticising his decision to pull out of the Davis Cup.
"I'd done enough fighting in pubs so it was the natural thing for me to do."
Clinton Woods on his progression from World's End to world champion.
"When we arrived, we realised straight away that the team was carrying excess baggage."
Spurs fitness coach Marcos Alvarez on the spare tyres that greeted him upon his arrival.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Liverpool are likely to start with Kraut and Couch up front this afternoon."
Jamie Redknapp describing Liverpool's new look-strike force on Goals on Sunday. (Ricky Mingle, England).
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435179_lemming203.jpg
Gary Peters - a leader amongst lemmings
"It's not going to happen; all the lemmings who want to jump off the cliff and rip everything up won't get their wish. At times I feel like the only sensible lemming on the cliff, saying 'this is stupid why are we doing this, why are we going to dive off the cliff?'. Usually they all say 'well, this is what we normally do' and then push him off as well, but no one is pushing this lemming off the cliff - he's going to stand on the cliff and stop you."
Shrewsbury Manager Gary Peters on being asked if it is time to jump ship in his weekly 'Ask Gary' column. Is he Holloway in disguise? (Matt Edgar, Derby).
"I don't predict in football, all I predict is next week against Barnsley you will see a vastly different Norwich City team."
Canaries boss Glenn Roeder clearly doesn't do predictions. (Steve Owen, Ireland).
"At this level of football, it's goals that win prizes."
Crusaders boss Stephen Baxter speaking after his team's 1-0 defeat to Lisburn Distillery. Is there another level of football where something other than goals win you prizes?! (Dave, Belfast).
"That's what the goals are there for, to keep the ball out."
Lee Dixon on Match of the Day commenting on a save by Barnsley's Luke Steele, who used the goal frame to help during a save. (Gareth Lyons, South Wales).
"There is no way Watford will get back into this match."
Paul Merson reporting with Watford 2-0 down to Charlton. Five minutes later they were level. (Tom James, Essex).
"Van Der Sar is one of the best two-footed goalkeepers in the league."
Chris Waddle (as opposed to the three-footed ones?) (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).
"This MCG wicket has more bounce than a Baywatch beach sprint."
Damien Fleming on ABC Radio. (Joe Eizenberg, Bristol).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435244_jonjo270.jpg)
And going off for Watford...
"And Watford are down to 10-men after Jonjo O'Neill received a straight red."
On 5 Live's Score Interactive commentary of Watford-Leicester. I think he meant John-Joe O'Toole, not the horse trainer! (Keith Shepherd, England).
"So where do England go now? Do they lick their wounds or what?"
"Who cares, eh?!"
Two New Zealand commentators after England lose the 2nd ODI by 10 wickets. (George, New Zealand).
"Arsenal are some 19 points clear now of Liverpool, but Liverpool do have a game in hand."
Setanta Sports analysis. (Jashandeep Singh, England).
"You could literally throw a handkerchief over the 22 outfield players."
John Gregory watching a game between matchstick men, presumably. (Alastair Logan, Scotland).
"A number of our goals this season have come from us counter-attacking and, to be honest, the opening goal came against the run of play."
Huddersfield Manager Andy Ritchie after his side scored against Swindon... after 43 seconds. (Luke Tial, England).
"The referee was in a great position and didn't give anything. Then the bloke waving aeroplanes in on the far side decided he should go for some reason."
Aidy Boothroyd on the decision to send off Watford's John Joe O'Toole in the game against Leicester. (Martin, UK). Not Jonjo O'Neill. Ed.
"That's it with Owen - you shoot holes in him and he comes back for more."
According to Kevin Keegan, Michael Owen is a colander! (Tony Schofield, England).
"Rooney will do anything for you in any position."
Wayne Rooney's keen to please, according to Mark Lawrenson. (Adam Jones, Scotland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435252_jamesgandolfini203.jpg)
Hey Tony, you're on!
"The only way Italy will get to 20-14 is if they put Tony Soprano at out-half."
The one and only George Hook for Irish TV at half time in the Italy-England rugby game. (Eoinie, Ireland).
"At the moment this isn't a group of men, it is a team of little girls."
Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini after their 3-1 defeat to Torino. (Bill M, Australia).
"Gareth Jellyman of Mansfield Town has been sent off, hope he doesn't throw a wobbly!"
Classic Jeff Stelling. (Tahir Usman, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You can stick your ******* roses up your ****!" and "I love Tottenham more than you!"
Spurs fans to their loved ones back home while watching Tottenham on Valentine's Day in Prague. (Ollie, London).
"We all know Posh Spice, she likes a bit of rough. When she's in bed with Beckham, she dreams of Michael Brough!"
Forest Green Rovers chant to their skipper. (Paul, England).
"Oh when the beans,
Come out the tin,
Oh when the beans come out the tin,
You put the bread in the toaster,
Oh when the beans come out the tin."
Birmingham fans at West Ham. (Iain Smith, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435262_swapshop203.jpg)
Ah the good old days
"Tiswas! Swap Shop!"
Bristol Rovers fans at Doncaster. No I didn't get it either. (Gasman, GB).
"What's it like to have no Cox?"
Swindon fans to Northampton after the Robins beat the Cobblers to the signing of Simon Cox. (Nathan, Wiltshire).
"Your mum is Mrs Mangel, your dad is Harold Bishop, la, la, la, la!"
Indian fans to Brett Lee. (Gansham Maraj, UK).
"You should have bought Burnley!"
Burnley fans to QPR's rich owners after they squandered a 2-0 lead to lose 4-2. (Jack Launer). UK
"Shittu and you know you are!"
Charlton fans' reaction after ex-Addick Danny Shittu puts the ball into his own net at Watford. (Con Medez, England).
"S*** ground, no fans!"
Barnsley fans at Anfield in the FA Cup. (Danny Walker, UK).
"If you hate Bryan Robson, throw your shoes."
Sheffield United fans before Robbo was relieved of the manager's role. (Alan Hopkins, England).
"England's, England's 501."
Sang at Premier League Darts in Manchester about Wayne "Hawaii 501" Mardle. (Tom Lett, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435272_bee203.jpg)
Also available in red and white
Brentford fans: "Two-nil to the proper Bees."
Barnet fans: "Red and white bees, you're having a laugh!"
During the battle of the Bees at Underhill. (Rik Scales).
''Now Richard Huuughes, Krank - Yar, Sol Campbell and superman Jam-o!''
Pompey fans, to the 'Soulja Boy' tune. Genius! (Rob, Portsmouth).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Would the owner of a silver car, registration XXXXXXX - please move it immediately. If they can find it."
At Wednesday night's fog-bound match between Stevenage Borough and Forest Green Rovers. (Paul, Stevenage).
"No ball games are permitted in the ground tonight."
At Horsham's home Rymans Premier League match against AFC Wimbledon. I think Horsham took that advice. (Alan Belmore, England).
"Unfortunately you go home empty-handed. You didn't hit the crossbar but you did knock out a Leyton Orient player, and that really should be worth a good few bonus points."
Walsall announcer to a half-time crossbar challenge contestant who hit a Leyton Orient sub on the head. (Miles Oliver, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"DEEP END"
Motherwell banner on Saturday against Kilmarnock after their last three games had been postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. (Scott, Scotland).
BBC: Quotes of the week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483425_riogoal203.jpg)
Look at me - I'm a tree
"When Rio Ferdinand went in goal, I wasn't too worried. I saw him play in goal when he was a kid and I knew he wasn't very good."
Harry Redknapp knew it was Portsmouth's day in the FA Cup when Man Utd defender Rio went between the sticks.
"Today we didn't capitulate - I think that's the posh word for it."
Flash 'Arry brings out the big guns.
"When I heard the draw I was out on the golf course. I had an eight-iron in one hand and my mobile in the other. When we came out with United, my club went further than the ball."
Redknapp was a little less enthusiastic before the game.
"I've got to agree with Arsene Wenger."
The most extraordinary admission made by Sir Alex Ferguson during his lengthy post-match rant after the Portsmouth defeat.
"It was a strange moment. A month ago I was playing for West Brom reserves against Nottingham Forest at Kettering in front of a couple of people - actually it was just my dad and the pie-seller."
Barnsley's on-loan keeper Luke Steele gets set to play in front of his dad, the pie-seller and 80,000 others in the FA Cup semi-final.
"It was a good job I took my blood pressure tablets!"
Barnsley's defeat of Chelsea sets the pulse racing for Tykes fan and former Test umpire Dickie Bird.
"I always try to say a prayer in the morning before I go to sleep and before I go out on the pitch. Obviously it worked wonders!"
Barnsley goalscorer Kayode Odejayi is glad he had a chat with the man upstairs.
"We won't be scared about the high winds on the flight home as the plane will be rocking anyway."
Cardiff boss Dave Jones is on cloud nine after their FA Cup quarter-final win at Middlesbrough.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483427_mourinhowink270.jpg)
You can't keep him down for long
"If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them - that's my message."
The Special One returns to announce an interesting plan for Chelsea.
"The only excuse is they have a rugby team that also plays on the pitch - unless the groundsman is sick?"
Life's a pitch for Arsene Wenger following Arsenal's 0-0 draw at boggy Wigan.
"It was great actually, just like playing Aussie Rules!"
Streaker Robert Ogilvie on being flattened by Andrew Symonds.
"He's been hooked on bingo most of his life and it's a way for the lads to bond and unwind. Sven and the boys think it's good fun, especially when he has to say 'two fat ladies' or 'legs eleven'."
Manchester City source reveals Sven-Goran Eriksson's passion for bingo.
"Football is like fighting a gorilla - you don't stop when you're tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired."
Coventry boss Chris Coleman after QPR's defence makes a monkey of his strikers in their 0-0 draw.
"We were at a bus stop when I saw a car go past with the driver wearing a Derby tracksuit. It came back and Robbie said 'Jump in!'"
Derby fan Mark Stevenson and daughter Lauren get a lift from Robbie Savage on their way to Derby's tedious 0-0 draw with Sunderland. Bet they wished he'd taken them to the pictures instead.
"I haven't got many secrets so was happy to talk to Monty - although two hours was maybe a little long!"
New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori recalls the day Monty Panesar collared him for a chat about spin bowling.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I feel for the fans today, paying good money and watching a load of crap."
A forthright Alan Pardew following Charlton's 2-1 home defeat by Preston. (Bill M, Australia).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483444_doughnut203203.jpg)
And running the line today....
"As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut."
Gary Megson after the official's poor showing at Bolton v Sporting. (Mike Astley, Oldham).
"Well that's not attractive to watch...which leads us rather aptly to Phil Thompson."
Jeff Stelling on Sky Sports. (Janni, England).
"It's come off the underside of the errr... thing,"
Phil Thompson during the Porto-Schalke penalty shoot-out. Think it's called a crossbar, Phil.(Eddie Walder, UK).
"Bernd Schuster will have severe words with him, telling him 'There's plenty of shampoo in the locker room if you're scared to get your hair dirty'!"
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson on Baptista's miss during Real Madrid-Espanyol. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).
"He looks like a pacy winger without any pace."
BBC Radio Scotland commentator on Hibs winger O'Brien during the Rangers-Hibernian Scottish Cup game. (Michael R, Scotland).
"For Manchester United to get back into this game, it will be a tall order against a tall side who are well ordered."
Martin Tyler after Pompey took the lead against Man U. Andrew Williams, England. (Andrew Williams, England).
"There's a few villages missing their idiots."
Lawro on Match of the Day when some Barnsley fans ran on the pitch thinking the referee had blown the full-time whistle against Chelsea. (Sam Saidman, UK).
"There's still two more legs after this."
Everton manager David Moyes speaks of a mystery third leg in their Uefa Cup clash with Fiorentina. (John, England).
"Justice is a dish best served cold."
Garth Crooks on Score. Surely you mean revenge, Garth?(Tony Faccenda, Scotland).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483451_tomcruise270.jpg)
And coming on for Celtic...
"Celtic might as well have Tom Cruise in their team tonight, because it's Mission Impossible at the Nou camp tonight."
TalkSport's The Mousse ahead of Barcelona-Celtic. (Jubril Alao, London).
"The official has got his hand on Joe Jordan's backside, but that seems to just be for familiarity."
Alan Green on 5 Live commentary of the Manchester United v Portsmouth game. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"Before, the problem was tackling from behind, but now players are doing it from the front and from the side."
Sepp Blatter on his ambitious plans to turn football into the World Indoor Bowls Championship. (Matt Baldwin, England).
"If he were fixing pipes, he couldn't be more plumber."
Commentator at Stanford Twenty20 cricket after a successful LBW appeal. (Ben Wilson, England).
"Not many teams can bring on Ronaldo and Rooney when they are 2-0 up."
Setanta Sports commentary. Of course not! (Abbas Esmail, Portsmouth).
"We had a very tricky game at Maine Road."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce, forgetting Man City changed their stadium name years ago.
"If it dies any more, it'll be dead."
Geoffrey Boycott lends TMS listeners the benefit of his insight while describing the Hamilton pitch.(Mike, Durham).
"As always, I intend to do my talking with my legs."
Dwain Chambers before the IAAF World Indoor Championships. (Ghaffar, England).
"The biggest word in the world is 'if'. If I had hair, my head wouldn't be as cold as it is standing out there next to the pitch. It is freezing!"
Gillingham manager Mark Stimson after Gills' 4-2 loss to Brighton. (Leigh, England).
"There are countless examples of fans buying genuine tickets for a game and discovering they are not real."
Spokesman for the FA talking about ticket-touting. (Mark Harding, England).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483476_ronaldinhoceltic203.jpg)
Look out, it's old whatsisname
"There's nobody coming in from the left... except Ronaldinho."
Archie MacPherson understating the threat, while commentating on Barcelona v Celtic. (Robert Mercer, Scotland).
"They've got a teletepathic, teletepathic, pathetic, well it's not pathetic... oh just forget it."
Graham Taylor, commentating on the AC Milan-Arsenal Champions League tie for 5 Live. Alan Green was in hysterics!(Ollie, UK).
Reporter: "Other journalists have said Walsall were the best team they have seen here, would you agree?"
Walsall manager Richard Money: "I don't know - this is the only game I have seen here!"
After Swindon-Walsall.
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"U.S.A!"
Bolton fans respond to Liverpool chants of "Going down!" Alex Dover, England
"Shearer, Shearer, what's the score?"
Cardiff fans after beating Middlesbrough 2-0 to reach the FA Cup semi-final. Alan Shearer had suggested the winners of the Boro-Sheffield United replay would stand a good chance of reaching the semis. (David, Maesteg, South Wales).
"You're just a small town in Belgium!"
Tottenham fans to the PSV Eindhoven supporters. (Mike, UK).
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44483000/jpg/_44483487_annielennox203.jpg)
"I'm forever blowing bubbles...."
"You're just a fat Annie Lennox!"
Spurs fans to Dean Ashton during the West Ham game. (Chris E, London).
"We saw you score on the telly!"
Ipswich fans to Paddy Kenny in response to Kenny's fluff against Boro. (Glyn Page, Brentwood).
"There's only one Cheryl Tweedy!"
Barnsley fans before the FA Cup quarter-final with Chelsea at Oakwell. (Julio Ebens, Barnsley).
"Steve Dobbie, Dobbie,
We don't care if you're overweight,
'Cos we think you're ******* great,
Steve Dobbie, Dobbie."
Queen of the South fans celebrate Stephen Dobbie's opener against Dundee in the Scottish Cup quarter-final. (Andy Cowan, Scotland).
"We've got Tim Ambrose,
Sounds Like Ambrosia
They make good Custard, comes in a tin
They make good rice too,
Thats not important
Just as long as England win"
The Barmy Army's new Tim Ambrose song. (Oli Wells, England).
"We woke your neighbours up!"
MK Dons fans at Grimsby after having our drums confiscated by stewards because it was a night game. (Connor, Milton Keynes).
"You only sing at the Boat Race!"
Cambridge United fans to their Oxford counterparts.(Neal Cannell, Bedford).
"Can you tell us if we score?"
Orient fans to Brighton fans, as the away stand is so far away from the pitch! (Grant Reyland, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44476000/jpg/_44476816_liverpooltexanbanner203.jpg)
Liverpool fans make a point
"Barry Hayles is bigger than this, he's got a door and a window, Barry Hayles is bigger than this."
Leicester fans smirk at how small Ninian Park is during their 1-0 win over Cardiff. (Alex, England).
"Andy Reid, He plays left wing, He loves McDonalds and Burger King!"
Sung by Sunderland fans at Derby (well, it was better than watching the game). (Pete Sixsmith, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"And now the Olympiakos teamsheet...wish me luck!"
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic. (Chelsea Boy, England).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the week
"My mum was here too!"
David James when asked if he knew England boss Fabio Capello had been at Fratton Park to watch Portsmouth beat Villa.
"I asked the Holy Spirit where he was going to kick. He said 'left' and I said 'thank you'. I went to the left side and I saved the ball, so today I was very blessed."
Bristol City keeper Adriano Basso reveals the Hand of God saved a penalty against Watford.
"I have told Mike he can be the biggest, most physical, imposing scrum-half in world rugby. He thinks he already is - and he told me he is the best looking as well!"
Wales coach Warren Gatland on the shy and retiring Mike Phillips.
"There was plenty of spice last year, a bit of a lovers' tiff between Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso."
F1 driver and new BBC Sport columnist Mark Webber on last year's row between the McLaren team-mates.
"No-one can replace Jonny Wilkinson."
Danny Cipriani on replacing Jonny Wilkinson.
"It's the ******* one to eight who deserve the man of the match."
Ciprani swears the entire England pack deserve the match accolade...live on BBC TV.
"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd is clearly bananas.
"Whenever the players ask me about a bonus, I just tell them I don't understand, that I'm a Yorkshireman."
Barnsley chairman Gordon Shepherd plays up to the stereotype.
"Football is open for everybody, which is why they made a gay competition in South America. And look at women's football: homosexuality is more popular there."
Sepp Blatter tries to be all pc. Back to the drawing board, Sepp.
"I would have been doing a bit of 'porridge' myself!"
Roy Keane would have gone stir crazy if Blatter's call for some tackles to be made a criminal offence had been in place when he was a player.
"I am going to kick 10 colours of **** out of that litttle *******!"
David Coulthard accepts accidents happen after being shunted out of the Australian Grand Prix by Felipe Massa.
"I trained hard up until the game but it was the end of the season and afterwards I got kidnapped. It was a very enjoyable week - from what I can remember!"
Wales and Wasps coach Shaun Edwards recalls a lost week of celebration when he played for Ireland in rugby league at the end of his playing days.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"It think its fair to say we're an improving team and a team that's getting better."
Everton skipper Phil Neville after losing on penalties in the Uefa Cup. (Josh N, England).
"That's 200 goals and 20 for this season - and he's been doing that for 15 years."
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray on Kevin Phillips. Ummm....wouldn't that make 300 goals, Tony? (Dave Rudd, UK).
"...in front of 70,000 mancunians. Well, some of them are."
David Pleat, Man Utd v Lyon, confirming what we all already knew. (Sam, London).
"David Haye, who grew up in the shadow of the O2 Arena."
American commentator for the Haye-Maccarinelli fight. David's younger than I thought! (Archi Campbell, England).
"He is is not normal. He's not normal, he never has been. He lives in the magnetic spectrum. What a goal this is. Beyond world-class. Astonishing. Cooler than a bomb disposal expert. That is amazing piece of football finishing by King Ronaldinho."
GolTV's Ray Hudson. (Cmod, USA).
"When he sees it, I hope he holds his hand up."
Bolton's Kevin Nolan, commenting on Michael Brown's dubious goal-line clearance for Wigan - with his hand! (Jon Knott, England).
"I haven't seen so many grown men hugging and kissing since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the missus."
Tom Ross on Birmingham's BRMB radio, as Portsmouth did some team bonding at half-time in the game with Aston Villa. (Bernard Moses, England).
"A player can't choose which position he wants to play in. This is not a musical request show."
Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld after Martin Demichelis refused to play in midfield. (Rahul, India).
"I'd rather sit on a porcupine watching Dot Cotton lap dance while listening to a double album of S Club 7's Greatest Hits recorded on the bagpipes than sit through a match like Scotland-England ever again."
Robbo column on BBC. Classic. (BST, England).
"Mido drops to the bench....let's hope it's a reinforced one!"
Jeff Stelling commenting on the build-up to the Arsenal-Middlesbrough game. (James Wiffen, Chelmsford).
"A Bolton player took a knock in the face - not sure who - could be Anneka Rice for all I know, we are so far away!"
5 Live's Darren Fletcher is not happy with the distance from the press box to the pitch at Sporting Lisbon v Bolton Wanderers. (Andy S, England).
"Van Persie wouldn't get his head on that because he was worried about ruining his good looks, but fair play to him, he is a very pretty lad."
On Radio 5 Live, Wigan v Arsenal. (Bill Keegan, England).
"It's no longer a mountain to climb - it's more like Mount Everest."
ESPN commentator after Inter go 3-0 down on aggregate against Liverpool. (Iain Mercer, Oz).
"And don't forget, England have to win the series to level it."
Aggers on TMS. (Sean, UK).
"There's no middle ground with him - he's either up there or halfway..."
Mike Selvey on TMS talking about Mark Gillespie. (Sean, UK).
"It would be easy to say that made all the difference - obviously it didn't, but it did make a hell of a difference."
Paul Jewell after losing Alan Stubbs to injury in Derby's 6-1 defeat to Chelsea. (NP, UK).
"I think Hawkeye must have had a late night!"
Sir Ian Botham after Hawkeye showed a ball to be hitting leg stump. Botham had just claimed it was going 'way down'! (George Quin, England).
"Words can't express how satisfied, pleased, overwhelmed and exhausted I am now it's all over."
James Cracknell after his epic Sport Relief swim from Spain to Morroco.....I think those words pretty much cover it, James. (Stuart Nugent, Carlisle).
"I'm not looking for excuses but another 24 hours would have been nice to have prepared for the game.But that's about the only excuse if I'm looking for excuses, which I'm not, but it was a factor."
Brian Little making no excuses for Wrexham's 2-1 defeat to Wycombe. (Stuart Hughes, UK)
"If you've tuned into five for 'Showgirls', we've swapped strippers for strikers."
Introduction to extra-time on Five for PSV v Tottenham. (Tom Granger, UK).
"Steven Gerrard has had so many special nights with Rafa Benitez."
The Liverpool manager takes an alternative approach to firing up his players. Over-friendly, some might say. (Sean Mullan, United Kingdom).
"For some things there's Daniel Cousin, for everything else, there's Wiese." (Visa).
Commentator on the Werder Bremen keeper during the Rangers game. Should someone tell him it's actually Mastercard? (Jenni Boyle, England).
"Buy a church and pray!"
Geoff Boycott gives his advice to England ahead of the second Test with New Zealand. (Luke Johnson, UK).
"There was a chance, they cleared it and it was cleared."
Another Paul Merson classic, just making sure we know that it was cleared. (Ian, Essex).
"Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over."
Graham Taylor commentating on 5 Live during Pompey game. (James Saville, England).
"Rafa Benitez is taking pity on Newcastle - he's bringing on Dirk Kuyt."
Matt Le Tissier commentating on Liverpool v Newcastle. (Tim Neil, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Where's your dummy gone?"
Man City fans to Robbie Keane after the Spurs striker threw his shirt down following his substitution. (Steve, UK).
"Can we play you every week?"
Liverpool fans during their 3-0 aggregate win over Inter Milan. (Mike Rizq, England).
"Sit Down Pinocchio!"
Villa fans to Gareth Southgate. (Ian Harwood, Birmingham).
"Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses whoah oh-oh.
He comes from Norbury.
He parted the Red Sea."
Crystal Palace fans to striker Victor Moses after his goal against West Brom. (Colin, Brighton).
"It's just like watching Brazil!"
Bottom of the table, five consecutive defeats and 0-1 down, Colchester fans try to remain positive against Cardiff. (Greg, England).
"We're gonna lose 4-3!"
Luton fans after going 3-0 up against Oldham. (Dave, England).
"Are you Chelsea in disguise?"
Barnsley fans while leading 4-1 against Ipswich. (Dave Ralphs, England).
"You should have gone to the races!"
Cheltenham fans to Leeds when 2-0 up. (Jacko, Cheltenham).
"Shall we build a stand for you?"
PNE fans to Blackpool, who only have two stands. (Rob, England).
"We can see you washing up!"
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient's Brisbane Road ground. (Paul, England).
"If you can't get into college, be a ref!"
University of Michigan students respond to poor officiating. (Matt, United States).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Before we kick off for the second half, I have a very important announcement to make: 'We're the famous Cardiff City and we're going to Wemberleeey. Wemberleeeey!!!Wemberleeeey!!!'"
Stadium announcer at the Cardiff City v Hull game. (Rich Liddiatt, Wales).
"Aberdeen One, what's left of Gretna nil."
Queen of the South announcer reading out the half-time scores in the SPL. Best part of a dire match! (Stephen, UK).
"The substitute for Stockport will be.... (final whistle)....not made."
Stockport announcer at Rochdale game. (Ewan).
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the week
"I was going to cut my hair the other week and if I had done we'd have lost 1-0, so hooray for afros."
Portsmouth goalkeeper David James on his rapidly expanding barnet's superb point-blank save to deny Newcastle's Michael Owen.
"I was surprised to hear of meetings and surprised who the people in those meetings were. I am surprised at things I have read."
A surprised Rafa Benitez learns about Liverpool's trans-Atlantic boardroom antics involving Jurgen Klinsmann.
"Gareth's more the talker and listens to people when they're speaking - but if you need a kick up the backside you'll get it."
Middlesbrough winger Stewart Downing on Gareth Southgate's text-book approach to football management.
"Unfortunately, the pie of the Premiership, the big pie which has all of a sudden become a massive pie, has got lots of money inside it."
Former Liverpool and Wales striker Dean Saunders channels the spirit of Alan Partridge
"I hope it's true. I would not protest against it. But I don't know if Ronaldinho wants to play in the InterToto Cup next season."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson - with tongue firmly in cheek - responds to rumours that the club are preparing a move for Barcelona's Brazilian star.
"This has been the ultimate rollercoaster ride - and I hate rollercoasters."
South African Trevor Immelman will not be popping over to Disneyworld to celebrate his Masters victory.
"Heath Slocum could be a term for a temporary doctor in Wuthering Heights; Brandt Snedeker, a device for cooking sausages to a turn at German barbecues; and Brett Wetterich, a description of three days of consecutive drizzle in the Scottish Highlands."
Guardian columnist Martin Kelner gives his Call My Bluff-style alternatives for the trio of American golfers at Augusta.
"Look at me, I'm still pretty."
IBF light-heavyweight champion Antonio "Magic Man" Tarver delivers the coup de grace after his unanimous points decision win over Sheffield's Clinton Woods in Florida.
"I liked our grizzle in defence."
Hull KR coach Justin Morgan's verdict after his side's 20-18 victory over Bradford. No idea what he's on about either.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny."
Jens Lehmann's take on Arsenal goalkeeping rival Manuel Almunia, meeee-aow. (Anees I, London)
"72:35: Shot by Robin van Persie (Arsenal) left-footed from left side of penalty area (18 yards), save (caught) by Jens Lehmann (Arsenal)."
From BBC Sport website's text commentary. Why is Van Persie shooting at his own keeper? (Royston, Oldham)
"I can't say we are the best in England but I don't think there is a team stronger than us."
Chelsea manager Avram Grant with another classic line. (Dom, UK)
Post-match interview with Edwin van der Sar on MUTV talking about the unseasonable weather:
"In the second half, the snow was proper white."
He was recently nominated United's most intelligent player... (Stacey, UK)
"They have their eyes on fifth place and have one eye on the Cup final."
From Kevin Keegan commenting on 'Arry's Portsmouth. We should buy KK a copy of Grey's Anatomy for Christmas! (Jamie, York)
Following a BBC Radio 5 Live interview with Bruce Forsyth at half-time in the Manchester United v Roma match:
Lawro: "How old do you reckon he is?
Commentator: "Mid-70s?"
Lawro: "Higher!"
(Chris Jones, England)
"It was just one of those goal celebrations, like Carlos Tevez, the player lifts up his shirt to reveal another top, which has nothing on it. Either it was mean to be pointless or he forgot to write on it."
BBC Suffolk reporter on Ipswich Town's Jordan Rhodes's goal celebration. (Lisa B, UK)
"I wonder just how long these four minutes will last?"
Err...four minutes? Archie McPherson states the bleeding obvious commentating at the end of the Rangers v Sporting Lisbon Uefa Cup game. (Various)
"Life is evolving - life is revolving. That's what life is all about, win or lose."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins on BBC Radio Humberside, reported on the BBC Sport website. Thanks for clarifying matters, Nigel!
"Leon Pryce is 6ft 4in but sometimes when you see him running he looks like he is 8ft 12in. He ended up being 9ft 15in by the time that game finished. He's a big man to stop."
Harlequins coach Brian McDermott on St Helens's ever-growing Leon Pryce. (Andy S, Liverpool)
"Amen Corner, currently twinned with Terminal 5 at Heathrow - both are proving difficult to get through."
BBC Golf commentator Ken Brown at Augusta. (Ben Frith, England)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Let's pretend, Let's pretend, Let's pretend we've scored a goal YEAAAAAAAAH!"
AND
"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, Mile Sterjovski makes us look alright."
Derby fans sing their hearts out despite going down 6-0 to Aston Villa. (Elliott, Derby)
"Let's all laugh at Carson, let's all laugh at Carson, la la la laa."
More efforts from the ever-cheery Rams supporters. (Josh, Derby)
"We're gonna win 7-6, gonna win 7-6!"
Guess who? (John, Derby)
"You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm."
Crewe fans singing away at Yeovil - then it changed to two tractors, then three, four, all the way up to 14. (Ed: Lost on me too) (J Blake, England)
"You're just a fat Paris Hilton."
Sung to striker Andriy Voronin at Arsenal v Liverpool in the Champions League first leg. (Marco Gaspari, England)
"We love you coppers, we do."
Mansfield fans to the Macclesfield police after unwanted prospective buyer John "Harchester" Batchelor was escorted out of the visiting fans end. (Alan Broughton, UK)
STADIUM ANNOUCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"I apologise for my mistake, Darren Purse is today's captain and not Stephen McPhail. Don't worry, I will personally take whoever is responsible outside and whip them with a wet tea towel."
Ninian Park stadium announcer before Cardiff City's 3-1 win over Blackpool.
"A text has come in from Leighton James. He apologises for what he said about Cardiff City and has asked that fans stop sending pizzas and taxis to his house at 3am in the morning. But Lee Trundle has been speaking to Leighton and has said feel free to send as many pizzas as you like to his house."
Cardiff's stadium announcer tickles the Bluebirds faithful with tales of two former Swansea City favourites.
"Today's attendance is 14,715 and remember, money can't buy you everything but it can buy you a Cardiff City season ticket at a discounted price up until 5pm on Monday."
Cardiff's stadium announcer signs off in style with his final pearl of wisdom. (Steve, Wales)
MISSPELT SHIRT OF THE WEEK
"TAYROL"
Someone forgot to run the spell-check on West Indies fast bowler Jerome Taylor's shirt in the West Indies's one-day international against Sri Lanka in Trinidad. (Sarah Hayward, England)
BBC
BBC: Quotes of the week
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44629000/jpg/_44629625_noel226.jpg)
Don't Thak Sven in anger, says Noel
"I would give him a big kiss. And I'd say 'you know what, Sven? Take him to the cleaners'."
Manchester City fan and Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has no doubts about what Sven-Goran Eriksson should do to owner Thaksin Shinawatra, who is set to show the Swede the exit door at Eastlands.
"I think it's very, very nice."
The ever self-effacing Sven on the overwhelming support from the City faithful, who sung his name throughout their 1-0 defeat to Liverpool.
"There's only one 'Special One'."
Avram Grant cannot resist a little dig after out-specialing Jose Mourinho by taking Chelsea to their first-ever Champions League final.
"If Mourinho was here I don't think he could have done any better."
Poor Jose is getting it from all corners as Brian Laws enthuses about keeping Sheffield Wednesday up in the Championship after a 4-1 thrashing of Norwich.
"I will be watching on my IMAX 3D Home Cinema, with 136 speakers and smellivision, which has been purpose-built in an old Roman amphitheatre, overlooking the Manchester Ship Canal basin."
Who needs to burn more roubles than Roman Abramovich's bank balance on getting to Moscow when Kreme_kaka_d on 606 will watch the all-English Champions League final on his unique home entertainment system?
"It has potential to go pear-shaped."
An inundated operator working at the Russian National Tourist Office, which was set to process a zillion visa applications from Manchester United and Chelsea fans on behalf on the Russian Embassy in London.
"If he wants me to stay on my feet, maybe he should tell his defenders to stop hitting me."
Didier Drogba hits back at Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez's so-called dossier on his penchant for diving after helping Chelsea knock their Premier League rivals out of the Champions League.
"Technically he is the worst player I have ever seen in my life - and he knows it. He has no skill at all. We all have more skill than him."
Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy welcomes Robbie Savage back to Ewood Park with open arms.
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44630000/jpg/_44630439_hirst226.jpg)
Damien Hirst: Baize of glory
"What I did was wrong. Sree is like my younger brother."
Mumbai Indians' Harbhajan Singh is banned for 11 matches after a not-so-happy slap on international team-mate and King's XI Punjab fast bowler Sree Santh.
"I'm going to buy a Ford Focus convertible, I've been dying to get one!"
Unlike new Bentley-loving world snooker champion Ronnie O'Sullivan, beaten finalist Ali Carter opts for the more frugal approach to car-buying after scooping serious loot for the second 147 maximum break at the Crucible.
"When I was a kid I made a snooker table for my brother out of bits of wood, onion bags for pockets, wobbly sticks for legs and sticky-back plastic and drawing pins. You couldn't play on it, though. It was crap."
Trendy artist Damien Hirst on his failed attempts to create his own Crucible magic on his home-made baize.
"You can't talk to him, it's impossible, he's nuts."
IBF and WBO heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko isn't impressed with Briton David Haye's verbals about a potential world title fight.
"The only thing we did well was kick off, really."
Wigan coach Brian Noble finds it difficult to take positives after the Warriors were thoroughly thrashed 57-16 by rivals St Helens on the second day of Super League's Millennium Magic in Cardiff.
AND SOME FROM YOU
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44630000/jpg/_44630011_keegan_avram226.jpg)
"Chateauneuf du Plonk? Never heard of it, Kev"
"He's just played his 100th game, but he was here last time I was, which was 1936, so he must be about 50 now."
Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan on Liverpool's interest in goalkeeper Steve Harper. Nice maths there, Kev... (Ollie, England)
Keegan again, this time when asked whether Sir Alex Ferguson would send a bottle of wine his way if the Magpies beat Chelsea on Monday:
"I doubt it! Not a good one anyway. It'll be one of those Chateauneuf du Plonk!"
"I don't have a preference who wins the title. The best team usually win - except the time when we lost it. That time the best team came second."
Keegan again, this time reminiscing on the vintage Newcastle team which clutched Premier League defeat from the jaws of victory in 1996.(Paul Sanderson, Newcastle)
Matt le Tissier: "And Southampton have got all 11 men in their own box now!"
Jeff Stelling: "Well that'll be a bit tricky considering they've only got 10 men."
Former Saints favourite Le Tiss gets a little too emotionally involved for Sky Sports, watching Southampton's 3-2 thriller over Sheffield United - forgetting Stern John had been sent off earlier. (Josh)
"Its a case of squeaky Brum time."
Match of the Day's Gary Lineker on Birmingham's relegation plight. (Chris Humphris)
"And Brian McBride scores a powerful header with his head!"
The one and only Chris 'Candid' Kamara on Sky Sports after Fulham go 1-0 up against Birmingham. (Greig Cunningham, Scotland)
"Breaking news: The Rangers plane to take them home has been cancelled - but they don't need one to fly home."
Commentator after Rangers booked their place in the Uefa Cup final, beating Fiorentina on penalties. (Robbie O'Neill, England)
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44630000/jpg/_44630384_liang226pa.jpg)
Liang Wenbo - the word safety is not in his vocabulary
"Being Scottish, I'm gutted. I've paid for a hotel room that I am never going to see."
A Rangers fan tells BBC Radio One about his impending all-night celebrations in Florence. (Harry Ward, England)
"I don't think United should push for a second."
ITV co-commentator David Pleat in the 86th minute of the Barca game. That's how you become a professional manager then. (Daniel Galloway, England)
"Every clearance worth its weight in gold."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldsley in the Manchester United v Barcelona game. Just how much does a clearance weigh then Clive? (Martin Bello, UK, Brighton)
"Massie is gone, he has done his hamstring, no it's his Achilles. He has done something to his right leg, he is hobbling badly - no wait, his boot's come off."
Australian rules football commentator trying to figure out what was wrong with Kris Massie during Carlton v Adelaide match. (Matt Innes, Hong Kong)
"If he played that shot 100 times, he'd pot it 99.9 times."
Willie Thorne on the snooker final after Ali Carter missed a black off the spot. (Andrew, UK)
"If he wins the next two he may well go in with a lead."
With the Stephen Maguire-Joe Perry match locked at 7-7 with two frames to play, Terry Griffiths shows the rules of basic maths also apply to snooker. (Stephen Rooney, Ireland)
"That looks like a safety shot from Liang Wendo. Must have been a miscue or something."
Steve Davis at the World Snooker Championship commentating on one of Liang's rare safety shots. (William, UK)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44630000/jpg/_44630176_scolari226.jpg)
"Oooh how I wish you weren't here"
Manchester City fans singing to the tune of Pink Floyd's "The wall":
"We don't need no Phil Scolari,
"We don't need Mourinho,
"Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!" (Alex and James Halfpenny, Manchester)
To the tune of "Santa Claus is coming to town":
"You better watch out,
"You better beware,
"He's good on the ground and he's good in the air,
"Santa Cruz is coming to town." (Liam, Blackburn)
Dagenham & Redbridge fans to manager John Still after he substituted midfielder Glen Southam for Sam Sloma at 2-0 down:
"You don't know what you're doing."
Same fans to Still after Sloma scored one of the Daggers' goals in the 3-2 victory to avoid relegation:
"You do know what you're doing!" (Ian Gorsuch)
"Jon Pantsil, Wooaah,
"Jon Pantsil, Wooaaahh
"He comes from Africa,
He's better than Kaka."
West Ham fans get a little carried away with their praise for Ghanaian international defender Pantsil. (Scott, UK)
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44630000/jpg/_44630195_roland226.jpg)
Last seen running across Edgeley Park
"Will the fat kid please get off the pitch."
Stadium announcer after the Stockport v Brentford game. (Ben Nuttall, England)
"Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV."
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham, more or less guaranteeing relegation. (Wayne, GB)
"Couldn't you all do this in the car park?"
Swansea City stadium announcement after their 4-1 win over Leyton Orient, prompting fans to invade the pitch in sheer delight. (Anonymous, Wales)
Kjevla!
Dette er drit kjedelig stoff!
T
(http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/1391/avatar15671xz3.gif)
Quotes of the week
"I love you all - I've come to spread peace!''
Sir Alex Ferguson comes over all Mahatma Gandhi in his last press conference before the Champions League final.
"Can I go?"
Avram Grant's first question at his press conference. 'Yes', was the answer a week later.
"She's a nosey b****r, isn't she?!"
Fergie cuts GMTV's Fiona Phillips down to size when she asks who was on the other end of his phone when it interrupted her vital questions about the Manchester United hotel.
"He's said to me half a dozen times, 'I played centre-half for the school you know'. I said: 'Yes, but not against Didier Drogba'."
The United manager tries to curb Wayne Rooney's enthusiasm.
"It would be cool just to turn up and play Test cricket."
Shane Warne strikes fear into the heart of Englishmen everywhere by hinting that he would prepare to make a comeback in next year's Ashes if required.
"I could murder a cup of tea."
Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll looks forward to a drop of the hard stuff after seeing off Leeds in the play-off final.
"Thanks for giving me the best night of my life - but please don't tell my wife!"
1999 Champions League hero Ole Gunnar Solskjaer reveals the sentence he hears most when meeting Manchester United fans.
"Kanu? He's about 47."
Harry Redknapp when asked the age of FA Cup final winner Kanu, who claims to be 31.
"I might have to get my mum to bully him into starting me on Saturday."
Bristol City midfielder Lee Johnson reveals his cunning plan to get dad Gary to pick him for the Championship play-off final. It didn't work.
"Welcome to the MLS, baby!"
What FC Dallas star Adrian Serioux allegedly said to David Beckham after scything him down during LA Galaxy's 5-1 win.
"It's about the driver with the biggest balls who can get closest to the barriers."
Lewis Hamilton reveals Viz character Buster Gonad (and his unfeasibly large testicles) would be an ideal candidate to win the Monaco Grand Prix.
"Referees in the Premier League as well as the Champions League come to see me before the matches to tell me 'today, we don't dive, eh?' I would love to reply 'I'm a footballer, not a swimmer', but I think they wouldn't listen."
Didier Drogba before heading for an early bath in Moscow.
"I don't promise nothing, I don't promise nothing to my mum, I don't promise nothing to the supporters.''
Ronaldo keeps everyone guessing about his future - but at least he can talk proper, innit?
AND SOME FROM YOU
"United are looking to make the Glazers double Glazers."
Clive Tyldesley during the Champions League final, with the Manchester United owners looking to win the double. (Dan, England).
"Drogba is down for Chelsea and appears to be clutching his back. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict he'll be fine in about two minutes."
From ESPN Gamecast during the Champions League final. (John, USA).
"Well, well, well, some of you did get out of bed the wrong side this morning. Come on chaps, let's get things into perspective. When you find yourself getting a bit angry about tonight's match, take a deep breath and think to yourself: there but for the grace of God, I could be 73cm tall, live in Inner Mongolia and smoke 40 a day. Even worse, you could be Kerry Katona."
A legendary quote from Ben Dirs on 606 in the build-up to the Champions League final. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"This is even bigger than the Bolton game."
Petr Cech putting the Moscow final into perspective. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"The curvaceousness was better than Dolly Parton!"
Ray Hudson, GolTV commentator, on Wesley Sneijder's goal during the Real Madrid-Levante match. (Recliner Queens, USA).
"Josh Lewsey, with his first touch since the previous one."
Miles Harrison commentating for Sky Sports on the Premiership semi-final between Wasps and Bath. (Piet, England).
"So Portsmouth have won the Cup, and I don't want to alarm you, but the last time that happened World War Two broke out."
Gary Lineker on the Cup final. (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).
Setanta reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas were Motherwell better than you today?
Gordon Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there." (Frank, England).
"I don't really understand why Jason Koumas has not got lots of caps for England. He has certainly got the ability so it's a mystery to me."
'Expert' analyst Paddy Crerand on MUTV. Might be because he plays for Wales, Paddy!! (Glyn Llewellyn, England).
"And here comes Stringfellow in to bowl... er Sidebottom rather."
Henry Blofeld on TMS during England-New Zealand. (Matt Jackson, England).
"He's much like the abominable snowman. Much spoken of but never actually seen."
Archie MacPherson on elusive Rangers player Thomas Buffel. (Philip Craig, Scotland).
Eamonn Holmes: "Why are they building a statue of Gandhi instead of you in Leicester?"
Gary Lineker: "They didn't have enough bronze for my ears."
(Andrew Jones, England).
"And the umpire is showing as much interest in that appeal as I do in the Spice Girls."
IPL commentator Damien Fleming on the umpire rejecting an lbw appeal. (Rahul, India).
"When it becomes a two-horse race it's a different kettle of fish..."
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson mixes his metaphors with the aplomb of a skilled cocktail barman in the run-up to the Championship play-off final. (Drew Savage, England).
"This could still definitely go either way."
David Pleat during extra-time in the Champions League final. (Alun, Swansea).
"And they will be the pies at next years Scottish cup final."
Queen of the South chairman David Rae pointing to some cows on his farm during a TV interview ahead of the Scottish Cup final. (Fraser, Glasgow).
"There's no feeling quite like shaking hands with Prince Albert."
F1 commentator James Allen at the Monaco GP. (Brits on Pole, UK).
"He's a big unit - and if he's Junior Agogo, I certainly wouldn't like to meet Senior Agogo."
Fox Sports commentator Simon Hill during the Australia v Ghana match. (Daniel Dunkinson, Australia).
"I overheard the Russian guys talking earlier and frankly I couldn't understand a word they were saying. And quite rightly so, because I don't speak Russian."
Lewis Moody, co-commentating on the Twickenham Sevens for the BBC. (Steff Harries, Wales).
"Gordon Strachan is staying at Celtic after a third straight SPL triumph and will be handed £20 to spend in the summer. (Daily Mirror)."
BBC Gossip Column. (Hassan Hussain, UK).
"One of these teams will be in the Champions League as the holder next year."
Commentator during the Champions League final. Well done... (Ollie, England).
"When I held Mourinho in my arms I couldn't hold back my tears - it was too much."
Didier Drogba reveals the truth about his relationship with Jose, in his soon-to-be-released autobiography. (Shiraz, Harrow, England).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"We would like to remind everyone that Tynecastle is a no-smoking stadium. We would also like to remind you that there are no cameras in the toilets or behind the burger stalls."
Hearts stadium announcer. (Christopher Skene, Scotland).
Quotes of the Year Part I
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7780062.stm
Noen smakebiter:
"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate."
Former Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd - clearly bananas.
"It was a large oversight on his behalf and the players think he should have been fined double! I used to do it myself - not lap dancing, there weren't such things in my day!"
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on striker John Carew's rather indiscreet visit to a "special" dancing club ahead of their Uefa Cup game with Ajax.
"We're actually thinking that Snow White can lead them out. And I'm being serious."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was worried his side would be dwarfed by Manchester United in the Champions League.
"It was like a UFO had landed."
Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd experienced a close encounter of the absurd kind when Stuart Attwell awarded a goal to Reading after the ball had rolled the other side of the post.
Quotes of the Year Part II
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7780066.stm
Noen Leeds-relaterte smakebiter:
"Gary Neville is the club captain but has been injured for the best part of a year now - and Giggsy's taken on the mantlepiece."
Rio Ferdinand was clearly having a hearth while describing the Man Utd captaincy.
"I should have punched him harder."
Eric Cantona revealed the main regret about the infamous kung-fu incident at Crystal Palace.
"As I sit here with a couple of world class hookers..."
Gaby Logan after the France-Ireland rugby match. (She was referring to co-commentators Wood and Ibanez.)
"Last year's race was a bit of a damp squid."
Mark Hateley on 5 Live about the Scottish title race.
"It's never over until it's over, but this is over."
Chris Kamara on Soccer Saturday updating viewers on Sunderland v Bolton.
"You don't know what you're doing!"
Leeds fans at Derby to a man who proposed to his girlfriend on the pitch.
The final say on 2008: Sports quotes of the year
http://www.independent.ie/sport/other-sports/the-final-say-on-2008-sports-quotes-of-the-year-1588589.html
Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7834153.stm
"He's got 10 already, and I still expect him to get into double figures."
Andy Ritchie talking about Cristiano Ronaldo's goalscoring prowess on MUTV.
"We forgot all five of you were here!"
Leeds fans to Southend's small travelling contingent.
BBC: Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7864849.stm
BBC: Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7945887.stm
BBC: Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7974274.stm
Leeds-relaterte smaksprøver:
"Our lives are quite boring. I spend a lot of time watching Coronation Street and Eastenders."
Rio Ferdinand on the Premier League soaperstars.
"We watched the 50 greatest Premier League Goals on the team bus - and Sully must have been in 49 of them!"
Doncaster's Richie Wellens on Rovers keeper Neil Sullivan.
"We have five games left, three at home and three away."
Nigel Worthington talking to BBC Sport Northern Ireland before the crucial match against Poland.
"I said they'd be static if they didn't start moving..."
El Tel's 'expert' analysis on the Slovakian defence last Saturday!
"Wimbledon, Wimbledon, Wimbledon!"
Leeds fans at MK Dons.
BBC: Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/8009958.stm
Leeds-relaterte smakebiter:
"There is a lot of ice in that dressing room - it's like the dining room on the Titanic in there.''
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan gets that sinking feeling after his side's bruising 1-1 draw at Hearts.
"Jimmy knocked my screen and Drogba fell over."
Phil Thompson on Didier Drogba's diving after the Chelsea v Liverpool game. (Thompson was sat next to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink on Sky Sports News.)
(http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/45686000/jpg/_45686022_chriskamara226282.jpg)
"Back in 1984 when Chris Kamara released the hit single Hello...or was it Lionel Richie?"
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday.
"I'd play him all day long, even if it's only for 45 minutes."
Paul Merson talking about Mark Viduka.
"These two legs have really opened up."
Jim Beglin after Frank Lampard makes it 4-4 in the game with Liverpool.
"There's only one Peter Ridsdale!"
Stockport County fans to Leeds supporters at Elland Road.
"Would the steward responsible for music and dancers make himself known to the nearest steward."
At the Huddersfield-Leeds Super League match. Surely that would be himself?
BBC: Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/8044493.stm
Leeds-relaterte smakebiter:
"It's absolutely fantastic - the funniest thing on television. I can't wait to get home!"
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan - Britain's Got Talent's biggest fan.
"If I could take anything away from Crystal Palace it would be Lady Luck. I'd put her in the boot of the car and hope that she can rear her head in the play-offs when you need it."
Sheffield United boss Kevin Blackwell after his side missed automatic promotion following a 0-0 draw at Selhurst Park.
Litt svak for denne:
CHANTS OF THE WEEK:
"The referee's From Norway!"
Heard at Inverness Caledonian Thistle v Hamilton - days after Tom Henning Ovrebo's controversial performance in the Chelsea-Barcelona game.
BBS's Sport quotes of the week
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/8115088.stm
Falt litt for denne...
"Don't film us, our wives think we're fishing in North Wales."
Banner at the Lions' first Test with South Africa.
noen nye og mange gamle.
http://msn.tv2sporten.no/fotball/altomfotball/article2620114.ece
men morsomme er de i allefall :D :D
Sir Alex har gitt opp å kjøpe dommeren, så nå har han vært på dommerkurs selv :)
Quote from: kjelvi on February 16, 2007, 23:42:24
<b>Tidenes Leeds-klassiker!</b>
(http://sjl-static4.sjl.youtube.com/vi/Nkd3HWQu32Q/2.jpg)
<i>Eddie Gray v Burnley
2nd Goal
4th May 1970 </i>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkd3HWQu32Q
haha, fantastisk morsom film :D
mye fint her.
litt dårlig kvalitet, men som sagt en del morro
http://www.sol.no/klipps/video/de_storste_fotballtabbene
BBCs Quotes of the week
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/chrischarles/2009/11/quotes_of_the_week_3.html
"My Hangeland, my Hangeland I want you to play with my Hangeland."
To the tune of Chuck Berry's My Ding-a-ling, heard at Birmingham-Fulham to the Cottagers' Brede Hangeland.
Har ikke sett den her før, så;
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/football_focus/8384199.stm
Rooney får seg en fin gave. Tipper han koste seg i den når han kom hjem.
"And now the Uefa Respect handshake, in association with the French Football Federation" og andre sitater fra balløya på BBCs quotes of the week: http://tinyurl.com/yj4z9sd
Liverpool striker Fernando Torres has ruled out a big-money move to Manchester City because he wants his family to grow up as Scousers.
Full story: Daily Mirror
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Er gutten fulsltendig blåst mellom øra?
Quote from: Tom S on December 03, 2009, 21:42:32
Liverpool striker Fernando Torres has ruled out a big-money move to Manchester City because he wants his family to grow up as Scousers.
Full story: Daily Mirror
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Er gutten fulsltendig blåst mellom øra?
Hvor er barnevernet? ;D
"I'd have given my right arm to be a pianist."
Newcastle boss Bobby Robson when asked what would have been his dream job outside of football.
Mer ---> Quotes of the decade - part I
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/chrischarles/2009/12/quotes_of_the_decade_part_i.html
Hørte en pussig en, på FK fotball på vei hjem fra spellejobb på bøggda for et par uker siden. En manager som måtte vurdere stillingen sin fordi laget hans "hadde hatt ni tap på rad uten en eneste seier..."
"I have mostly been eating chicken wings. I only stick to things I can spell" (Boo Weekley)
BBC; Quotes of the Year
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/chrischarles/2009/12/quotes_of_the_year_2009.html