TEMA: TULL & TØYS

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BBC: Quotes of the Week  



Anyone fancy a pint?

"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
Jose Mourinho is desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.

"I could feel immediately the movement. To somebody that understands the game and feels the football, smells the situation, it was obvious."
Mourinho has senses working overtime after a dodgy offside flag denies Chelsea a goal against Blackburn.

"I would be happy if the league was finished now!"
Man City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson after their 1-0 win against Aston Villa lifted them to second place.

"I jokingly asked (Mercedes Motorsport boss) Norbert Haug if he was going to chip in half, but we haven't come to a conclusion on that negotiation yet."
A bit of gallows humour from Ron Dennis after McLaren's hefty £49.2m fine for 'Ferrari-gate'.

"My players travel more than Phileas Fogg in Around The World In 80 Days. Javier Mascherano had to play a friendly for Argentina in Australia. That must have been really important."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is a massive fan of international football.

"I'm very excited with this team because they are 'playerish' - if there is such a word - they love to play."
Arsene Wenger can't find the words to describe Arsenal, so he makes up a new one.

"He carries a little note book around with him. The lads will be having a conversation and he'll write down some of the words he hears. Five minutes later he is laughing to himself and that's when you know he has finally worked out what the boys have been saying to each other."
Norwich City's Darel Russell on Czech team-mate David Strihavka, who scored the winning goal against Crystal Palace.

"When he came off, I joked we had probably found his best place - on the bench! I thought he was going to belt me."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd on supersub Darius Henderson, who came on to sink Southampton.



Oh not, not you again

"I will never forget this man. I had a good look at him while he was belting away; he got me caught and bowled for 18 and when I went for Paul Collingwood's charity dinner later in the evening, I saw him there as well. I told him: 'You are here too? I don't want to see you anymore!'"
India's Yuvraj Singh won't be volunteering to bowl against six-mad Dimitri Mascarenhas in the Twenty20 World Cup after being taken to the cleaners in the ODI.

"He is a very big boy - I wouldn't like to be paying his food bills!"
USA rugby coach Peter Thorburn on man mountain Henry Bloomfield ahead of the World Cup clash with England.

"When you see a performance like that, you hope you never see anything like it again."
England coach Brian Ashton is glad his team got their bad performance out of the way against the USA. Ahem.

"If she is in a good mood, she brings a lot. It is about trying to keep her in a good mood. I said to her: 'I know it's your way or the highway. We're trying to make it your way so we don't all end up on the highway."'
Solheim Cup captain Helen Alfredsson on how to solve a problem like Laura Davies.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"Phil Neville has a facial problem."
BBC Radio 5live stating the obvious at the Everton-Man Utd match. (Richard Salguero, UK).

"The game against England will be a totally different game. England is good in defence and plays well man to man."
Germany coach Silvia Neid on the Women's World Cup game with England - shouldn't it be woman to woman? (Rick Knowler, England).



Here's what you missed, Greeny

"This is torture. I could have been watching the EastEnders omnibus."
BBC 5live commentator Alan Green on the tedious first half of Man City v Aston Villa. (Darrell, UK).

"Paul Collingwood is proving to be a very good tosser."
Jonathan Agnew reporting before England v South Africa on Sunday. (Janiv Patel, England).

"Wednesday are pointless!"
Heard on BBC Radio Sheffield. (Rob, Sheffield).

"It's like the January sales - everything must go."
Graham Gooch, commentating on Bangladesh's flying start against South Africa in the Twenty20 World Cup. (Clare, London).

"London's a spiritual home for Ivanisevic - he was here when he won Wimbledon in 2001."
Commentator during Betfair Turbo Tennis. Where else are you going to be if you win Wimbledon? (Adam, United Kingdom).

"Andy Farrell was slow and disappointing - maybe the RFU should have invested in Northern Rock instead."
Welsh language television presenter after England v South Africa. (Seiriol Hughes, Wales).

"The Soviet...I mean Russian fans still think they've scored."
John Motson showing his age during the England-Russia match. (Joe Moriarty, England).

"It doesn't make sense to hand a place to a club based on a knockout competition, almost a one-off, when other clubs have shown quality over a full league season to get in the top four."
Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry. That's Liverpool, who qualified for the 2006 Champions League despite finishing outside the top four, after their success in a 'one-off cup'. (Gareth Aston, Scotland).

"When you try to compare the two teams there is no comparison."
Francois Pienaar in the Ireland v Namibia match. (Max Thompson, Chandlers Ford, UK).



I'm very, very happy!

"It is very, very satisfying to be top. We knew Coventry had a game plan to get the ball forward to Dele Adebola very, very quickly. We had to compete and at the same time be very, very strong. It was a very, very good away performance."
Maybe somebody should introduce Bristol City boss, Gary Johnson, to the word 'extremely'? (Dave Rudd, UK).

"Fernando Alonso, as world champion, must feel entitled to have a man underneath him, as it were..."
Oo-er missus... David Croft , 5live commentary on Spa's Friday practice. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).

"Words in Spanish directed at my family, I understand perfectly well. As such when I reacted, it was the wrong reaction but sometimes even rational and normal people err."
The rational, normal, Luiz Felipe Scolari after lashing out at Serbian player 'Drago' Dragutinovic during the qualifier with Portugal. (Sammyd, Newton-le-Willows).

"Twenty minutes and you'll be like Bambi on ice"
Mark Lawrenson discussing England playing on a plastic pitch when they go to Moscow to face Russia. (Hugo van Zeller, England).

"Another six from Gibbs - the mood he's in now, he's gonna hit a seven!"
David Lloyd after Herschelle Gibbs hit a six in the game between South Africa and West Indies, leaving seven runs needed for victory. (Suraj Galsinh, UK).



Look out, scorers!

"Another batsman goes without tickling the scorers."
Ravi Shastri after Kenya's Steve Tikolo departs. (Adam, UK).

"Scotland are now two points clear of France at the bottom of Group B."
Seems the BBC reporter still can't quite cope with Scotland being top... (Nick Stokes, England).

"Zhirkov - Great Name."
Ian Wright on the Russian player, pronounced 'Jerkoff'. (Richard, England).

"That's good work from the Irish."
Donna Symonds commentating on the Scotland-Pakistan Twenty20 match after the Scots took a wicket. (Stuart Hunt, UK).

"This is the only track where the car needs such extreme downforce. The only other one is Canada...and America."
David Coulthard on ITV before the Italian Grand Prix. (Simon Butler, Isle of Wight).

"Peter Crouch is a big player for us."
England manager Steve McLaren. No doubt about it, Steve! (Mike, England).

Mark Petchey: "When you're as big as Roger Federer you need two agents."
Barry Cowan: "The only agent we have is a travel agent, and that was to get here!"
Banter between the British boys during the US Open. (Mickey, England).

"That was the loudest silent cheer I've ever done!"
Said by the female commentator just after England's women equalised in the World Cup against Japan! (Daniel Street, Wales).



That's my boy!

"Is that his Dad?"
A sweet thought from my girlfriend upon seeing Venables sat next to McClaren during the England-Russia game. (Anthony Smith, England).

"He's a big man. He's big below the waist!"
NFL commentator during Chicago Bears' game at San Diego Chargers. (Robbo, England).

"That was one of the worst decisions I've ever seen. Obviously Maradona's handball was worse, but that was awful."
Terry Butcher on Sammy Moore's sending off for Brentford on Sunday. (Rik Scales, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We're gonna deep-fry your croissants!"
Scotland fans singing to the French in Paris. (Andrew, Scotland).

"Can we play you every week?"
Scotland fans after seing their side beat France at the Parc des Princes. (Colin Asquith, UK).

"What the hell is Va Va Voom?!"
Scotland fans again. (Paul McKay, Scotland).

"It's just a big ******* pylon!"
Tartan Army underneath the Eiffel Tower before our famous victory. (Tony McDermott, Scotland).



Get your dancing shoes on

"Lets all have a disco!"
Carlisle United after taking the lead against Swansea.
"Let's go to their disco!"
Swansea fans five minutes later after going 2-1 up. (Bobby, Wales).

"Is your ground from B&Q?"
Charlton fans taunting Colchester about their tiny little ground. (Marc Deruelle, England).

"There's only one Teddy Sheringham....with a walking stick and a zimmer frame, Sheringham has peed himself again!"
Charlton fans at Colchester. (Matt, England).

"We're gonna win 6-5."
Sung in optimism by Inverness Caley fans after Celtic knocked in their fifth. (Stuart McAleese, England).

"He's only got nine toes!"
A small section of fans chanting to Steven Gerrard at the England-Russia game. (Tom W, UK).

"Malcolm Glazer's a football genius."
Sung by Clitheroe FC fans at the home game v FC United. Let's just say the United fans weren't too happy about it! (Oliver Collins, Burnley).

"The moon! You've never been to the moon!"
England fans to the Russians. Don't mention the fact that we haven't either... (Rich N, UK).

"It's just like being in church!"
Yeovil fans to quiet Swindon fans. (Dan Dixon, England).


BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Ron - do you want us to lend you a tenner?"
Seen at the Belgium Grand Prix after the spying scandal. (Kayleigh Beckman, England).

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Football's best ever quotes

JOSE MOURINHO'S eggs-ellent omelette quote left fans wondering if the Chelsea boss is cracking up.
But his wacky outburst is just the latest in a long line of hilarious rants from the world of football.
Check out our list below for some of the craziest quotes from the bright sparks of the beautiful game.

“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be dropped into the sea.”
Eric Cantona after being sentenced to 100 hours community service for an attack on a Crystal Palace fan in 1995

“You don’t win anything with kids.”
Alan Hansen after Manchester United fielded youngsters in the opening game of the season - and went on to win the Double

“Hello my sharks, welcome to the funeral.”
Boss Claudio Ranieri greets the media before Chelsea's Champions League semi-final defeat against Monaco in 2004

“Young players are a bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100 per cent sure that the melon is good.

“Sometimes you have beautiful melons but they don’t taste very good and some other melons are a bit ugly and when you open them up, the taste is fantastic.

“One thing is youth football, one thing is professional football. The bridge is a difficult one to cross and they have to play with us and train with us to taste the melon. For example, Scott Sinclair - the way he played against Arsenal and Man United, we know the melon we have.”
Jose Mourinho on the difficulties of bringing youth players through at Stamford Bridge

“I couldn’t settle in Italy â€" it was like living in a foreign country.”
Ian Rush reveals the reason behind his failure at Juventus

“I tape over most of the player videos with Corrie or Neighbours. Most of them are crap. They can f***ing make anyone look good. I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn't show that on the video.”
Harry Redknapp on the value of compilation videos

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.”
Ex-Aston Villa midfielder Mark Draper

“I never predict anything and I never will.”
Paul Gascoigne

“Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper!”
Harry Redknapp on ex-West Ham forward John Hartson

“The important thing was we got the three points.”
Chelsea left-back Wayne Bridge after the Carling Cup Final win over Arsenal this year

“Do I not like that!”
England boss Graham Taylor during the 2-0 defeat to Norway in 1993

“I spent most of my money on birds, booze and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
George Best

“If you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we’ve got her in the taxi.”
Boss Ian Holloway after QPR's victory against Chesterfield

“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Saturday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi struggles with the concept of live football

“Germany are a very difficult team to play â€" they had 11 internationals out there today.”
Northern Ireland midfielder Steve Lomas reveals how Germany beat them in 1999

“We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.”
Boss Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup

“They're the second-best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that.”
Kevin Keegan on Argentina

“What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio.”
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis

“Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good.”
Harry Redknapp on his old West Ham striker

“It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.”
Ian Wright shows his admiration after Tony Adams reveals his drinking problem in 1996

“When a player gets to 30, so does his body.”
Ex-England boss Glenn Hoddle on the fitness problems of older players

“I was a young lad when I was growing up.”
Ex-Leeds boss David O’Leary

“Home advantage gives you an advantage.”
Ex-Newcastle boss Bobby Robson

“We must have had 99 per cent of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match.”
Ex-Chelsea boss Ruud Gullit gets his sums wrong

“Dani is so good-looking I don't know whether to play him or f*** him!”
Harry Redknapp gets hot under the collar over West Ham’s ex-Portugal midfielder

“Paolo di Canio is capable of scoring the goal he scored.”
Bryan Robson praises one of the Italian's strikes

“Very few of us have any idea of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl, except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish.”
The wisdom of Graham Taylor knows no bounds

“Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I'm very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.”
Ex-Liverpool manager Bill Shankly

The Sun

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BBC: Quotes of the Week  


Take me back to dear old Blighty

"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you. They are just always there."
Barcelona striker Thierry Henry on his intimate relationship with the Spanish hacks.

"I would have choked him! They are fine now...I think.''
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on the handbags between Gabriel Agbonlahor and Marlon Harewood during the Everton game, after Agbonlahor chose not to pass to his strike partner.

"It doesn't matter whether it's cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England.''
Australian rugby union chief executive John O'Neill shows his tactful side when asked about their World Cup quarter-final opponents.

"I was just awful. I didn't contribute anything. I've been bigging myself up, saying I'm ready and obviously I'm not. I'm honest with myself in every performance and that was rubbish - I looked like a pub team player."
Curtis Davies on his proposed move from Villa to the Dog and Duck.

"The tee box on the ninth was safe, I think. I don't want to be handing out too many more bottles of nice red wine to the European Tour staff for their Christmas party!"
Ian Poulter, fined twice this season for smashing tee markers in frustration, declines to make another contribution to the kitty at The Belfry.

"Whoever does the surgery cannot say whether he needs a hernia or not until they have seen him, unless they are magic and they can see over here from Germany and peer into his stomach.''
Sam Allardyce scoffs at reports Michael Owen was set for hernia surgery - before seeing a specialist.


Never see 'em in the same room

"If we're talking lookalikes he's Toad of Toad Hall, isn't he?"
Ian Holloway finds a lookie-likey for Avram Grant in his BBC Column.

"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."
Holloway on punk.

"The All Blacks are a myth. We need to demystify all this. We're not going to the abattoir."
France coach Bernard Laporte ahead of their World Cup quarter-final with New Zealand.

"Not sure what Mr Gold is after other than publicity. When you get down in the mud and wrestle with a pig, the pig loves it...and you get muddy."
Aston Villa director Charles Krulak is pig-sick at Birmingham chairman David Gold's call to cut ticket prices by 20%.

"My first thought was 'jeez, don't be a sook; there's no use crying about it, man, it's over'.''
Ex-New Zealand captain Tana Umaga poo-poos Brian O'Driscoll's reaction to the infamous spear tackle that ended his Lions tour two years ago.

"It was like kissing your sister - and no-one wants that to happen."
Canada coach Ric Suggitt keeps it in the family to describe his side's 12-12 draw with Japan in the Rugby World Cup. Answers on a postcard.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"Not Chelsea or Milan. I want to stay with Barcelona - that is my wish, that is the wish of Ronaldinho."
Ronaldinho proving that even the world's best footballer talks about himself in the third person.(Simon Griffin, UK).

"Any team can beat any other in this league and just to prove it there were seven draws yesterday."
The genius that is Don Goodman commentating during the West Brom v QPR game. (David Powell, Ireland).


If you're happy and you know it...

"I'm not someone to fear things. They say in Holland 'have no fear, Jolly is here'!"
Martin Jol manages to laugh things off. (Dave Finch, England).

"I think there was just a little change today and I started to smell that things were improving a little bit."
David Moyes's post-match comments after Everton's win over Middlesbrough. Is he Mourinho in disguise?(Balaan Singh, India).

"It gets a bit sweet after the seventh bottle."
Former All Black Murray Mexted commenting on the wine which shares the same name as Portugal twins Diego and David Matteus. (Phil, England).

"I don't miss that nut-wrenching feeling you get on a Saturday morning before a match."
Neil Warnock on MOTD2 when asked if he was missing being a manager. (Paul Laycock, Ireland).

"It's just typical that when nothing's going your way, all your chances fall to Salomon Kalou."
Harsh words from Mark Lawrenson. Still, could be worse - they could fall to Shevchenko. (Rob, England).

"Oooh no. That's just rude!"
James Allen as Kubica knocks Hamilton off the track in Japan. (Leila M, UK).

"The fans certainly didn't expect to see 10 goals scored."
BBC commentator on the Portsmouth-Reading game. Surely 7-4 equals 11 goals?! (Rachel Hooper, England).

"I'm running out of fingers."
Sky Sports reporter Ian Darke as the 11th goal goes in at Fratton Park...just how many fingers does Ian have? (David Tayler, Norwich).


No flies on Rafa

"I've learned that you have to score goals to win games."
Rafa Benitez after being asked what he'd learned from the Reading-Liverpool game. (Ross Douglas, Scotland).

Interviewer: "Avram, a good team performance and 4-0, it couldn't have gone any better for you could it?"
Grant: "Well, it could have been five!"
Avram Grant is the 'Witty One'.(George Quin, England).

"Come the end of the season we are very confident we will pick up the necessary wins to keep us where we are."
Derby's Billy Davies is optimistic about his team staying bottom of the table. (Alan MacLean, United Kingdom).

"At the end of the day, he scored three goals. Other than that, I kept him pretty quiet."
Reading defender Michael Duberry on Fernando Torres. And no, he wasn't being ironic. (Steffan John, Cardiff).

Eamonn Dunphy: "Look back at the Liverpool of old, the team that Graeme played for...Graeme's won four Champions League titles."
Graeme Souness: "Actually, three, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "He's won four English league titles, then!"
Graeme: "Five, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "Whatever! It's not bloody Mastermind!!"
Eamonn Dunphy and Graeme Souness indulge in a bit of banter on RTE. (Token Singh, Scotland).

"A man down, they have everything to play for."
BBC pundit Mark Bright is not writing off the American ladies, especially when they've got some blokes playing for them. (Adrian Cooper, Bristol).


May the force be with you

"But other than that, she's had safe hands, Solo..."
The commentator in the England-USA game. Hilariously his co-commentator seemed completely oblivious to the blatant Star Wars reference! (Matthew Clark, UK).

"Keeper Richard Kingson went off groggier than a young tennis starlet after a night on the razz."
Charlie Henderson's summary of the Birmingham keeper's injury on the BBC website. (Paul Gorrie, England).

"Ian Taylor needs to go into the back four."
Steve Claridge at the Premier League All Stars match between Villa and Sunderland - a SIX-A-SIDE tournament! (David Bedlow, England).

"It's definitely a case of a Spaniard in the works for Reading."
The commentator after Fernando Torres scored his hat-trick goal against Reading.(Adrian Doolan, Ireland).

"It's been an 'annus horribilis' week for Chelsea."
TV commentator during Man Utd v Chelsea.(Russell, Australia).

"Fernando Torres...he kills defenders."
Rafa Benitez after the Reading game, talking about his 'lethal' striker! (Dan, Wigan).


Interfere? Moi?

"Here is the official pronunciation of Chelsea's new manager. It is Avram-ovitch."
BBC commentator on 5live before the Man Utd-Chelsea game. (Kevin Holland, Norway).

"0-0 at the Emirates - or Dubai-bury as my Arsenal friend calls it."
5live commentator during Arsenal v Newcastle.(Mariam, England).

"He's clearly not the player we saw playing for Inter Milan a few years ago."
Alan Shearer on Andriy Shevchenko...that's because he played for AC Milan! (Tisaru, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We want Mourinho!"
Mansfield supporters after going 1-0 down at Accrington Stanley. (Josh, Mansfield).

"Happy Birthday to you!"
Aston Villa fans after Tottenham went 4-1 down to Villa on their 125th anniversary. " (Josh, Chorleywood).

"Easy, Easy!"
Reading fans show some gallows humour as they reduce the deficit to 7-4 against Pompey.(Bruce, London).

"Wenger's the special one."
Arsenal supporters against Newcastle in the Carling Cup. (Becca, UK).

Derby fans: "England, England, England!"
Arsenal fans: "Are you Scotland in disguise!"
Banter during Arsenal's 5-0 win. (David Bedlow, England).


Come on you Springboks!  

"You've got Y-fronts on your flag!"
England rugby fans to the South African fans. (Chris Jackson, England).

"You are my Kandol, my Tresor Kandol,
You signed from Barnet, on deadline day,
We did not notice that you could score goals,
Until that day at Tranmere away."
Leeds fans to their new hero (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine). (Sealy, England).

"Your ground's too big for you!"
Charlton fans singing to Coventry about the fact the ground was half-empty. (Marc Deruelle, UK).

"Who are ya?"
Sung by Coventry's large travelling support to United's second-string team in the Carling Cup. (Geoff Taylor, UK).

"We buy your misfits."
West Ham fans to Newcastle supporters. (Warren, England).

"What time's your minibus?"
Spurs fans to the handful of Boro supporters who came to the match. (James Maine, Chelmsford).

"Shoes off if you love Morecambe!"
Sung by most of the Morecambe fans while holding shoes aloft at Sheffield Utd v Morecambe in the Carling Cup. Soon followed by "Shoe are ya?" (Leanne Sunter, England).

"You're Getting Sacked in the Morning."
West Brom fans to John Gregory after they beat QPR 5-1. That's John Gregory who was...sacked in the morning. (James, UK).

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BBC: Quotes of the Week


You beauty

"I don't like to look like this, but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again."
Cristiano Ronaldo may have suffered facial injuries against Roma, but his ego remained unbruised.

"When you do bad things, he still wants to kill you, but that is a good thing for a manager."
Ronaldo reveals the Fergie hair-dryer is still in good working order.

"I had 52 messages on my phone within an hour of the final whistle and some were from people I'd never heard of, which was a bit worrying."
England coach Brian Ashton is the victim of text pests after the memorable win over Australia.

"I was using a five-iron - it should have been a six because I would have missed it."
Scottish golfer Marc Warren on the comedy injury of the year, sustained when he did a practice swing in his hotel room and shattered a chandelier, showering himself in glass.

"I was only wearing a towel and I was swinging, admiring my physique. I won't be doing that again."
And there's more from Warren, who was playing for GB & Ireland in the Seve Trophy.

"He's obviously having a smashing time!"
Warren's team captain, Nick Faldo, sees the funny side.

"We need the farmers to bring their wellies and get over here."
Colin Montgomerie is not best pleased to discover 80,000 people attended Ireland's National Ploughing Championships, while the Seve Trophy - being held down the road - went largely unnoticed.


Right, Bernie, this is how it is

"Flavio will be the one wearing the big tie."
Bernie Ecclestone promises to play second fiddle to Flavio Briatore at QPR. He'll be the one wearing the little tie.

"It just depends whether we are sleeping under the coconut tree or rowing the boat."
Fiji fly-half Nicky Little just before the boat came in for his side against Wales in the Rugby World Cup.

"What is pretty plain to see is that Ireland do not deserve to be in the knockout stages. The truth is that they were dreadful in every game, they got their pants pulled down and they were spanked."
Zinzan Brooke gets to the bottom of Ireland's World Cup exit in his BBC column.

"My father worked hard in the Uzbek judicial system and my mother was a wonderful human being. These people could not have brought up what one European politician called a gangster and racketeer. I will leave that one to his conscience."
Russian billionaire and Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov dismisses suggestions he's a wrong'un - and woe betide anyone who disagrees.

"How do they get in the team? Train brilliantly, play in the reserves brilliantly and be better than the players that are in the team."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy tells it how it is - just for a change - when asked how you win a place in his starting XI.

"We've tasted the prawn sandwiches and we've come to a meat and potato pie place like this, which is a proper football club."
Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd on the culinary differences between Man Utd and Scunthorpe.

"Sanchez told us to hit long balls and pick up rebounds. He wanted us to play like Neanderthals but I am not a Neanderthal man and I told him I could not continue."
Franck Queudrue on why he was not the missing link for Fulham.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I was sure Hamilton was retiring, he seemed to have no power any longer, but by the time I looked back, I was already in Mark's rear end."
Sebastian Vettel commenting on Lewis Hamilton's erratic driving behind the safety car, I think. (Sam Arthur, England).


Oh my God, I can't believe it

"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it....I always believed we could do it."
England scrum-half Andy Gomersall giving his reaction to England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup. (James, Southampton).

"Sort of desolate, decayed, the smell of - I don't want to dramatise it - but death, you know. That is what it feels like, no-man's land, and it is not a nice place to be."
New Zealand's Anton Oliver describes the All Blacks' dressing room after losing to France in the Rugby World Cup. (Luke Callan, exiled Kiwi, UK).

"Brian Ashton has been ruled out of England's World Cup 2008 qualifier against Estonia."
Subtitles on News 24 sports round-up - presumably because he'll be busy with the rugby team. (Derek Elmore, UK).

"Only Arsenal have scored more goals then Arsenal this season."
Dicky Davies getting a little confused in the build-up to the Fulham-Portsmouth game. (Ben, UK).

"Swann has taken to international cricket like a duck to water."
Dougie Brown, speaking on TMS about Graeme Swann. (Graham Yapp, UK).

"It is painfully obvious to me that the right guy to be world champion is Lewis. In fact, my main fear would be if he didn't win it. Kimi Raikkonen barely talks to anyone and, as such, has done little for the sport. And as for Fernando Alonso, in his two years as world champion he has done nothing."
Bernie Ecclestone proves just how impartial he can be when he puts his mind to it. (Fershad, Australia).

"It's a bit like a deciding frame."
Comment by Dennis Taylor in the Pot Black match between Robertson and Hendry. You only play one frame in Pot Black! (Daniel Tuck, UK).


Blimey, so that's what I was wearing!

"Tony Adams, when I first joined the club. He got better when he stopped drinking, mind you."
Ray Parlour on Soccer AM commenting on the worst-dressed team-mate he has ever had. (David Tayler, Norwich).

"A third goal at the City Ground - I wish I'd a-gone-gone!"
Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling on Junior Agogo's winner for Nottingham Forest. (Daniel Williams, England).

"There is the principle of a child who is very gifted - if you put him in a bad class, he goes down; you put him in a good class and he goes up. In football it is just the same."
Arsene Wenger's philosophy that the Fifa quota proposal will affect quality. (Jamie Liddiard, England).

"And George Gregan is being molested at the breakdown."
ITV commentator reveals England's alternative tactics to get after Australia's scrum-half. (Michael Scallon, England).

"We need a good result at Anfield and there is no better place to start than Tottenham."
Peter Crouch. (Max, England).

"Kaboul's injury-time winner earned a thrilling 4-4 draw with Aston Villa on Monday."
From London's Metro newspaper. (Paul Dixon, UK).

"Hopefully it won't spoil his good looks."
Commentator during the Man Utd-Roma game when Wayne Rooney got a whack in the mouth. (Christopher Arvo Hawdon, Cardiff).

"I read Khan turned down a photoshoot with Naomi Campbell to concentrate on training for this fight. The closest I've come to a photoshoot was when I was asked to pose with Donna the barmaid at my local, the Dog and Duck."
Amir Khan's latest victim, Scott Lawton, on the boxer's celebrity lifestyle. (Navid, England).

"I'm not sure what's French for deja vu."
Commentator at the RWC in France. (John Hunt, UK).

"Andrew Flintoff is to see a renowned joint specialist in Amsterdam."
Newsreader on Thursday's 5live breakfast. Would that be for some pain relief?! (Chris Tagg, England).

"We have bought two new players, one younger than the other."
Sven-Goran Eriksson. (Michael Painter, England).


Good one, Ray!

"John Terry is a bloke."
Ray Wilkins during Valencia v Chelsea. (Paul Bennett, England).

"Me and Don (Goodman) have had plenty of number twos in our time, it's not that big a deal."
Tony Cascarino with a bit of toilet humour on Sky, when asked about Liverpool's assistant manager leaving. (Steven Hoare, Liverpool).

"Avram Grant is in a no-win situation - unless his team win."
Graham Taylor on 5live. (Steven Draper, UK).

"I want to be playing in a Norwich side that gets promoted to the Premiership."
What Jason Shackell said after signing a new contact at Carrow Road. Try Football Manager, Jason! (Chris M - Norwich season-ticket holder).

"Sometimes I'd like to have a conversation with a friend in a restaurant without feeling I'm being watched. At this rate I will have to go on holiday to Greenland. But maybe the Eskimos would know me."
Fernando Torres on being crowded by fans. (Mubashir Suleman, England).

"We will probably have to score more goals than we let in to win games."
Jermaine Jenas of Spurs showing he has grasped the finer points of the game in a TV interview. (John Johnstone, Edinburgh).

"Watch the Celtic-Milan match live on Radio Scotland."
Richard Gordon on Sportsound. Watch the radio?! (Tam, Scotland).

"I refused to get carried away in defeat and I won't get carried away in victory."
Sammy Lee after drawing with bottom club Derby. But you didn't win, Sammy!! (Graeme Clark, England).

"The big thing about Newcastle is there is only Newcastle in Newcastle."
Joey Barton making it clear why he left Man City for Newcastle. (Brian Moore, Scotland).

"I don't think you can win this World Cup without scoring points."
Australian rugby union coach John Connolly. (Aki Casey, Australia).


Guess who's back?

"Just look at the ball played forward there by Jamie Redknapp to Torres."
Ronnie Whelan on RTE. So when did Redknapp make his comeback? (Dave, Ireland).

"No, it is me."
Eric Cantona upon being asked whether Zinedine Zidane or Michel Platini was the greatest-ever French footballer. (Julian, Australia).

"My family are all in the marines and a commander never leaves his troops. If he does that, he's lost."
Martin Jol commenting on his side's recent comeback against Aston Villa. (Jubril Alao, United Kingdom).

"Their players are on thousands a week whereas for us it's £30 and a free bag of whippet food."
Morecambe fan during 5live's interviews at the Carling Cup game against Sheffield United. (Glen Cooper, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Oh my God I can't believe it, we've never been this good away from home!"
Leeds fans to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs' 'Oh My God'. (Robin, England).

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans to Sunderland when they went 2-0 up at the Emirates.
"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Sunderland fans when Arsenal threw away their 2-0 lead. (Harry, UK).

"Ginger Mourinho!"
Leicester City fans singing to Gary Megson at Sheffield Wednesday. (Jon, UK).


And coming on for Northampton...

"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
Millwall fans to Northampton's pint-sized full-back Danny Jackman. (Davy McMurray, London).

"Maradona!"
Argentine rugby fans getting confused as to which sport their national team is playing during the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against Scotland. (Ben, UK).

"E-I-E-I-E-I-O - a monkey-hanging you will go."
Forest fans remind Hartlepool what they are most famous for. It was hilarious - well the Forest fans thought it was. (Mark Ritchie, England).

"Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!"
Bishops Stortford fans to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre in the FA Cup second qualifying round. (Dan Howes, UK).

"Gordon for England!" Sunderland fans to their, erm, Scottish goalkeeper, Craig Gordon. (Sexy Boy, England).

"Does your mother know you're here?"
Scunthorpe fans to young Norwich supporters. (Danny Oakley, England).

"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
A chant sung by Bradford City's fans in the closing five minutes of a dire 3-0 loss at home to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going absolutely crazy. (Russ Waldron, England).

"Your ground's too big for you!"
Peterborough fans at Shrewsbury.
"That stand's too big for you!"
Shrewsbury fans hit back at the 200 or so fans in a 2,000 capacity stand! (Sam, UK).

"Oh Christian Dailly you're a Saint for life.
Oh Christian Dailly will you s*** my wife?
Oh Christian Dailly, we want curly hair to-ooo."
Saints fans' chant for their new centre-back. To the tune of 'I love you Baby'. (Philip Salkeld, Durham).

"We saw you cry on the telly!"
Sung when Preston played Southampton, referring to when Gregor Rasiak missed a penalty against us in the play-offs and then promptly cried. (Sam, UK).

"Can we play you every week?"
Chorley fans brought out the usual chant when leading 2-0 against Lancaster. The twist being that the fixture is repeated almost every week in October (2nd, 9th, 23rd). (Jan Buxton, UK).


You can have him!

"We've got Joey Barton, We've got Joey Barton, la la la la."
Newcastle fans to Man City fans last Saturday.
"You've got Joey Barton, You've got Joey Barton, ha ha ha ha!"
City fans after seeing their side go 3-1 up. (Julie, UK).

"Take your shoes off if you're crap."
Sung by Manchester City fans when Newcastle fans started waving their shoes in the air - they soon vanished. (David, England).

"Sit down, Pinocchio!"
Spurs fans to Gareth Southgate during recent Carling Cup game with Boro. (Justin Fleming, England).

[kjelvi]

The Quotes Of The Week

What the great and the good have been saying this week...

* "I don't mind Lawrie Sanchez spending £25m of my money on players but in return I expect six points from the next two games. If I don't I'm going to send round the biggest bouncer we've got at Harrods to hold him down and shove a pepper suppository up his arse" - The delightful Mohamed Al Fayed sends out a warning message to Fulham boss Lawrie Sanchez.

* "It was just the emotions of the night and the booze. I tried to pat Dida on the shoulder and said, 'Unlucky Dida'" - Celtic pitch invader Robert McHendry.

* "I'm not at all bothered by what I've seen with Robbo. He starts. He is our Peter Schmeichel" - Steve McClaren confirms he is bonkers.

* "You know what. I just hope everyone's fit. Then we'll see how big his balls are" - An unnamed England player offers his thoughts on McClaren.

* "The way Ashley Young is built, he looks like a heavy shower could kill him" - Martin O'Neill.

* "I've kept myself to myself and stayed in with my missus" - Liam Ridgewell explains how he has stayed in one piece since leaving Aston Villa for Birmingham City.

* "The best thing for us to do is to keep playing well and winning - if we played bad like we did in the previous two games I don't think he Jose Mourinho would be happy sitting in front of his TV" - Didier Drogba explains how he is staying motivated.

* "I met ten of them in the middle of the night in Derry. They were working-class lads and I told them that they needed to renounce violence. I said the only way of solving problems is by dialogue, not by shooting each other, but all they wanted to talk about was United and Celtic" - Former ManYoo player Paddy Crerand recalls his encounter with members of the IRA.

* "If England comes then so be it but I've played for them once and that will do for me. I'm more interested in domestic honours. People get carried away about playing for their country. It's always nice to be selected and it's always a privilege and an honour but I'd much rather be successful for Newcastle than I would for England" - Joey Barton inadvertently announces his international retirement.

* "It's a long time that I have been waiting for a big club. I'm not about to hide it; it's the truth. I know my game and I know my qualities. I know all the players who are at Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, Barcelona and I know I'm at their level" - Nicolas Anelka makes what is known in footballing circles as a 'come-and-get-me' plea.

* "Michael isn't qualified to do anything other than play football, so he can't ignore the information he's given by our highly-qualified medical staff and me as his manager" - Newcaslte boss Sam Allardyce.

* "I will listen to the surgeon and not anyone else because she knows what she is talking about" - Owen's response.

* "A special type of suturing is necessary, which keeps the elasticity of the abdominal wall. Therefore the training and full activity can start very early without any risk. The only thing stopping a quick return can be some pain which will keep the player off the field for some further days. The risk of the injury re-occurring is 0.1 per cent." - Leading abdominal surgeon Ulrike Muschaweck clearly isn't as familiar with Owen's fitness record as the rest of us are.

* "It almost seems as if there's something against me" - Poor old Dean Ashton thinks it's all a conspiracy.

* "We're in the last 16 of the Carling Cup and in the group stages of the Uefa Cup" - Martin Jol makes a desperate attempt to put a positive spin on Tottenham's start to the season.

* "A number of players are not as good as I thought they were when I took the job" - Sheffield United manager Bryan Robson boosts his squad's flagging morale.

* "In the summer I was in the England squad and got told my position was there to lose - and I lost it through not playing a game. When I was at Norwich in the Championship I got told I was good enough to be in the squad. Now I am playing with West Ham in the Premiership and playing well, it seems I'm not good enough" - Robert Green. Hell hath no fury like an England keeper scorned.

* "I am p*ssed off with football and the idiots who run the FA and other factions of the industry. But just because I'm p*ssed off doesn't mean I am not determined to be successful in my football club" - Simon Jordan is not a happy camper.

* "I want to be champions with Ajax. I will be, as normal, on the bench when we meet Sparta (Rotterdam) on Sunday. I don't want to say more about all the speculation about me and Chelsea" - Henk ten Cate definitely is not on his way to Stamford Bridge.

* "And that is why I did not win many England caps, because managers were under pressure to get results quickly and they felt they could not trust me because I was not an athlete" - Matt Le Tissier gets the Jimmy Armfield Award For Stating The Bleeding Obvious.

* "Unfortunately for me I feel that the balls haven't bounced the right way for me over the last 12 months" - Former Norwich boss Peter Grant offers a rather thin excuse for City's poor this season.

* "People always say it's a shame someone as talented as Ryan Giggs or George Best before him never played in a World Cup or European Championship and I don't want my name to be added to that list" - Barry Ferguson clearly thinks he's better than the rest of us do.

Football365.com

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week

Has Owen got the stomach for a fight?

"I will bust a gut to play in any game."
Michael Owen with an unfortunate choice of words to describe his rapid recovery from stomach surgery.

"At 5.30am I realised it was a losing battle and I sat down with my dvd player and a guitar, messing around - a bit of Arctic Monkeys mainly."
Jonny Wilkinson realises sleep is not an option after England's defeat of France in the Rugby World Cup.

"Jonny's drop goal with two minutes left sank France. It reminded me of something a few years back, but I just can't recall it right now."
Mike Catt knows Jonny Wilkinson scored another famous drop goal but can't quite place it. Answers on a postcard please.

"What's going on?! Amazing! Mitterand, Platini - your boys took a hell of a beating!"
Will Greenwood gets a tiny bit excited when the final whistle goes in Paris.

"What's it like? Rubbish."
Former Russia captain Alexei Smertin is not a big fan of the plastic pitch, where England's Euro 2008 fate will be decided on Wednesday.

"There's nothing appealing about Iain Dowie!"
Simon Jordan when asked whether Iain Dowie was appealing the verdict of their court case.

"I was playing marbles on the lawn with my eight-year-old son on the first day back at training this season. I normally have 200 things going through my mind but all I had to worry about was these marbles."
New Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on the strange sensation of being unemployed in pre-season. Still, at least he hasn't lost his marbles.

"I think there might be one or two games where I don't get some decisions going for me - from people who have read my book!"
Warnock fears the juicy opinions in his recent autobiography may come back to bite him.

"I had to resist when everyone was saying to me 'buy, buy, buy' - and even bye-bye!"
Arsene Wenger enjoys a little play on words as he vindicates his decision not to panic in the wake of Thierry Henry's departure.


What a lovely pair of Rooneys

"They used to be my Kevin Keegans, they went on to be my Gazzas and now they're my Rooneys."
Oscar-winning actress Dame Helen Mirren keeps up with the times to describe her "musclebound" pins.

"I'd like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom."
Nick Easter becomes Nick Faldo for the night as England silence the doubters with their Rugby World Cup quarter-final win over Australia.

"We have been in the mire for the last three weeks. We knew we had to dig deep and there was a lot of soul-searching going on. So we came together as a band of brothers."
Easter's team-mate Mark Regan wins the bet to get a TV series title into his interview.

"I don't think we'll be professional for the full 90 minutes until the microchips are firmly imbedded in the players' heads."
Watford boss Adrian Boothroyd looks forward to the day when all his players celebrate goals with a robot dance.

"They're the worst band in living memory - we've had two hours of the hokey-cokey, two hours of a lovely bunch of coconuts and even a rendition of John Brown's Body."
David Lloyd on the Sri Lankan band playing during the fourth ODI in Colombo.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"He hit that shot at about one million miles an hour!"
Steve McManaman talking about Robin van Persie's first goal against Sunderland on Setanta Sports. (Matthew Glasgow, Northern Ireland).

"And Everton are bringing on Anchovy."
Channel 5 commentator as Victor Anichebe came on against Metalist. (Ian Wells, UK).


Hurrah for football!

"Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin."
Peter Crouch's honest answer in a Soccer AM interview. (Matt White, UK).

"Well, we are in the final and nobody else is yet."
Martin Johnson after Jim Rosenthal asked if England had a chance of winning the Rugby World Cup. (Matt, England).

"So, Thomas, France have still not won a World Cup."
Rosenthal not rubbing it in the face of Thomas Casteignede, seconds after England beat France. (Nick, Isle of Man).

"Michalik goes for the drop goal...and it's a wibbly wobbly one."
Miles Harrison during the semi-final. (Andrew McCormick, Northern Ireland).

"Seat of the edge stuff."
Matt Dawson describes the tension in the France-England game. (Nick Reip, UK).

"It looked easier to score, but Senderos just glanced the ball off his balding palette."
David Pleat - Radio 5live commentary of Arsenal v Sunderland. (Pieman, England).

"It's exactly almost three runs an over required."
Roshan Mahanama, as England were closing in on a series victory against Sri Lanka. (Paul Cox, England).

"Pakistan need a further 235 off a minimum 47 hours."
Typo in the South Africa-Pakistan report. I think even Alastair Cook could make it in that time. (Louis, France).

Legend

"Half his mind is on the dartboard, half is on the crowd....and half is on himself in the mirror!"
Sky Sports darts commentator Sid Waddell on Alex Roy as he played James Wade in Dublin. (Rob Lyons, Ireland).

"The Principal's Nose - if you go in there you're going to come out with a bogey."
Richard Boxall's commentary at the Dunhill Classic, St Andrew's, where one of the bunkers is called the Principal's Nose. (Leo, Ireland).

"They can be almost Fijian in the way they show Gallic flair."
England winger Josh Lewsey talking about France. (Mark, Hamburg, Germany).

"When he is in form he really frees scorely."
Damien Fleming on Matthew Hayden's scoring prowess in the third India v Australia one-day international. (Stryker, Australia).

"That was more by luck than good fortune."
Paul Parker commentating on Cambridge United v Rushden & Diamonds. (Andy, Bicester, UK).

"Sunderland played tremendously well for 90 minutes, but they didn't play very well for the first 15 minutes."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2. (Kurtis Lyth, England).

"Aston Villa are playing the best out there, West Ham the second best."
Dean Saunders on 5live. (Rob Hincks, UK).


Oh no, not him again

"Like a dog going back to the vet's....he suddenly remembered where he was!"
ITV commentator on the return of Roma keeper Gianluca Curci to Old Trafford, scene of a 7-1 thrashing last season. (Simon Bertenshaw, UK).

"Australia must feel like they've revisted the scene of an accident, and crashed again."
TV commentator talking to Michael Lynagh after the quarter-final defeat by England. (Dave Rice, England).

"Everyone goes out there with their arm on their sleeve."
Sky's Matt Jones on the attitude of the Welsh U-16 football team. (Steve Owen, Ireland).

"Kevin Doyle is off the mark for the first time this season."
MOTD2 commentator on Reading-Derby game. Er, how many times can you score your first goal each season? (Matt England, UK).

"At the moment we're not playing like a top six side. To be a top six side, you've got to be in the top six."
Jamie Scowcroft tells it like it is after the Palace-Hull match. (Jack Laws, Croydon, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Have you ever seen a salad, number one?"
Sung by Worthing fans to Hampton & Richmond goalkeeper during their FA Cup third round qualifying defeat. (Brad, Worthing).

"Keeper's on a hat-trick, keeper's on a hat-trick, la la la la..."
Torquay fans to Stevenage goalie Alan Julian after he scored two own goals in Torquay's 4-2 win. (Kevin, England).


Bill 'The Body' Oddie

"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, Rub your beard all over my body! Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie..."
Reading fans against Derby. (Jake Byrne, England).

"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Roberto."
Swansea fans after going top of the league under Roberto Martinez. (Tom H, Wales).

"Switzerland are you listening? Austria are you glistening? It's a wonderful time, to be a Scotsman, cos we're going to Euro 2008!"
All I got from the biggest Scotland fan this weekend. (Joe Halliday, England). I take it he was drunk? Ed.

"Camb-a-ridge uh-huh uh-huh, Un-i-ted, uh-huh uh-huh."
Cambridge United fans - to the tune of 'That's The Way I Like It'. (David Ahluwalia, UK).

"15 Points, Who gives a ****? We're super Leeds, And we're going up!"
Leeds fans are over the 15-point penalty. (Lee, England).

"4-all, we're gonna draw 4-all!"
Exeter City fans after Richard Logan had put us 4-1 up at home, this coming after five straight home draws! (Jack Nex, England).

"Youre ****, and you know you are."
Swindon fans to Gillingham fans when they were winning 5-0.
"We're ****, and we know we are!"
Gillingham's reply! (Alex, Swindon).

"Can you hear the Rangers sing?"
Hibs fans at Ibrox after being kept behind - singing to a totally empty stadium. (Danny Bayne, Scotland).

"Tell me ma, me ma, to put the champagne on ice, we're going to City twice!"
Everton fans after progressing in the Uefa Cup - the final is at Manchester City's stadium. (Gaz Jones, UK).


You're not special any more

"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Dave Pacio."
Droylsden fans getting behind their manager as they won their first game of the season. (James, England).

"He's fat, He's round, he bounces all around. Sammy Lee, Sammy Lee."
Chelsea fans to the Bolton manager. (David Lebby, UK).

"Rooney! Rooney!"
Everton fans to Metalist Kharkiv's vastly overweight physio. (Oliver Back, England).

"We hate Tuesday!"
Bristol City fans after Sheffield United fans had chanted "We hate Wednesday"! (Bob Charles, UK).

"Are you Dida in disguise?"
Sunderland fans to Almunia after he was "hit" on the head from a corner... (Andy, UK).

"Easy, Easy!"
Falkirk fans when they scored in the 80th minute to make it 4-1. They were the team getting beaten. (JM Stevenson, Scotland).

"Just like your manager."
Arsenal fans singing to Paul McShane when he got sent off during the Arsenal-Sunderland game.

"We won it twice, we won it twi-i-ice, the Auto-Windshield, we won it twice."
Wigan fans to Man Utd following their 4-0 defeat - sung to the tune of Sloop John B. (Phil Barker, England).

"Swing low, sweet halibut!"
Sung by Grimsby supporters as news of England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup filtered through. (Ben, England).

"And it's Marton Fulop, Marton Fulop FC, they're by far the greatest team The world has ever seen."
Leicester fans' chant to their Hungarian goalkeeper, Marton Fulop. (Sam, UK).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Substitution for West Germany..."
Stadium announcer at Croke Park for the Ireland v Germany match, not realising reunification had taken place. (Tom Armstrong, Northern Ireland).

"Could the owner of a Vauxhall Astra, registration number P914...., please return to their vehicle immediately, as it is rolling unacompanied."
Heard at Oxford v Torquay. (Tom Baker, England).


BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Jonny Wilkinson will you marry me? Even when I'm old?"
Spotted at the Stade de France. (Michael Scallon, England).


BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week 


Two more doughnuts over here please!

"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"
Cesc Fabregas reveals his Homer Simpson fitness philosophy to The Sun....and it seems to be working.

"Rangers did not want to play soccer. They practiced, from the first moment, anti-soccer."
Lionel Messi ups the anti, following Barcelona's 0-0 draw at Ibrox.

"When you have a bad day at the office, you come to Southend."
Martin Jol indulges in some seaside therapy as he watches Southend v Carlisle.

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder ahead of the clash with the New York Giants at Wembley. Americans - gotta love 'em.

"We went to a Celtic game and got stuff thrown at us and booed because we had beaten their youth team and they announced it over the PA."
Dolphins kicker Jay Feely remembers his trips to Britain as a schoolboy 'soccer' star with great affection.

"I've never had any serious injuries. I've broken a collar bone, a forearm, a bunch of fingers. Other than that, I'm fine."
Dolphins' defensive end Jason Taylor tells BBC's Inside Sport about his minor niggles.


Anyone fancy a point?

"We felt we should have got something out of the game. If it wasn't one point, certainly two."
Things don't add up for Wigan manager Chris Hutchings after the 3-2 defeat at Birmingham.

"I've been told he sometimes goes without scoring for a spell, then he will get six in a patch - so I'm looking forward to a patch!"
Everton manager David Moyes believes no-one is a patch on Yakubu.

"If I could have a pound a shirt, I could get a new car!"
West Ham midfielder Mark Noble on being the highest shirt-seller in the club shop. Just for the record, 7,000 shirts will get him a Smart Car, while he'll need to shift a mere 170,000 for the new Lamborghini Murcielago.

"There are times when they look telepathic and there are times when they look as if they haven't met each other before."
Watford boss Adrian Boothroyd on the Jekyll-and-Hyde relationship between strikers Marlon King and Darius Henderson.

"It just hit me. I don't know if it was my chest - it might have been my 32-year-old beer belly!"
Reading defender Michael Duberry has a bit of tummy trouble after putting through his own net against Newcastle.

"I gave Longy a big kiss in the changing room. I don't know if his girlfriend's going to be happy with that big love bite on his neck, but that was me!"
Duberry pays lip service to Shane Long for getting him off the hook by scoring the winner.


AND SOME FROM YOU


Be afraid...be very afraid

"Robbie Fowler - he's quality for 60 minutes, but in the final 30, Pauline Fowler would be F***er!"
Commentator, BBC West Midlands. (Kevin Flitt, Wolverhampton).

"I really worry about Middlesbrough. If I didn't think there were three teams worse than them, I would say they would be relegated this season."
Mark Lawrenson. (Paul, UK).

"Watching Liverpool tonight was like having sex with your secretary and your wife turning up."
Craig Howarth, via text to BBC website.

"If watching Arsenal last night was like making love to a beautiful woman, and watching Rangers like losing your virginity, watching both English teams tonight will be like making love with the wife: not overly exciting but you know what you're getting."
Bob McInroy, in Glasgow, via text to BBC website. (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).

"Should Theo Walcott play for England week in, week out?"
Tim Lovejoy on the 606 podcast. Wow, so England are playing every week now?! (Charles Dassonville, Finland).

"I think we should get someone English, someone like Mark Hughes."
A Spurs fan after Martin Jol's departure. Er, isn't Mark Hughes Welsh? (Adam, England).

"I'm surprised that Sunderland are wearing their famous red and white striped shirts, despite the potential colour clash with West Ham's claret and blue."
From Sky Sports commentary before the West Ham-Sunderland game. (Kevin Borras, United Kingdom).

"I used to think my name was 'Stop The Cross!', I heard it so much."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2. (Chris Avery, England).


Gareth Southgate - not over the moon

"I remember, before we beat Chelsea a couple of years ago, I said that if we can put a man on the moon, we can beat Chelsea. If you believe they put a man on the moon then anything is possible."
Gareth Southgate comes over all REM ahead of the game with Chelsea. (Gareth, England). He was no doubt adopting the mantra 'Everybody Hurts' after Boro's 2-0 defeat. Ed.

"The sun's in their eyes this half, but I'm sure it won't be in the second."
Commentator during the Huddersfield-Oldham match. (Mike Farrimond, England).

"They are a fantastic side, with great individual players, but the desire and the work rate got us over the winning line."
Rangers midfielder Kevin Thomson after his side's goalless draw with Barcelona. I'm sure it felt like a win, Kev! (Dean Moran, Manchester).

"Liverpool are going to have to start getting results if they're going to start winning."
Andy Townsend after Liverpool's embarrassing Champions League defeat. (Stuart Nugent, Carlisle).

"He's not quick. He's fast. Very fast."
Graham Taylor talking about Agbonlahor during the Aston Villa-Man Utd game. (John Thompson, England).

"Every man out there with a red shirt on has an attacking intent, except for Van Der Sar, who has got a green shirt on."
Clive Tyldesley commentating on Manchester United v Dynamo Kiev. (Henry, Essex).

"Manchester are literally slicing up Kiev here."
David Pleat during the same match. (Gavin, Wales).


When it comes to goals, she's top of the class

Jonathan Ross: "What do you think of the disparity in football these days?"
Kelly Smith: "What's disparity mean?"
England striker Kelly Smith living up to the footballer stereotype on the Jonathan Ross show. (Dom Maxwell, UK).

"Percentage-wise, you'll probably only pot those two times out of 10."
Dennis Taylor during snooker's Grand Prix final.That'll be 20%, then. (Matt, England).

"I don't know who was slower to respond - the Wembley Stadium security or the Dolphins defence!"
Arlo White on the tackling of the streaker at the American football match in London. (Stephen F, UK).

"I can't fault the players, but their heads went down too easily after the goal."
Billy Davies not faulting his players after Derby lost....again. (Anon).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"What's that coming over the hill - 10-point deduction, 10-point deduction."
Colchester fans to Coventry regarding their lack of money. (Tom, Essex).

"6-0 - even Sheva scored!"
Chelsea fans after the thrashing of Man City. (Layla, UK).

'We love you Bolton, we do...."
Leicester fans celebrate the departure of Gary Megson during the Barnsley match. (Jake, England).


Puts hairs on your chest

"We hate Coca-Cola, We hate Fanta too, Cos we're the Tartan Army, And we Love Irn Bru!"
Scotland fans watching Georgia game in a student bar in Aberdeen. (Ross G, Scotland).

"You're the worst town in England!"
Chelsea fans at the Riverside after Middlesbrough was voted the worst place to live. (Tom, Salisbury).

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans after putting seven past Slavia Prague. (Matt, England).

"There's Only One Peter Taylor."
Palace fans after they went 3-1 down to Stoke in Neil Warnock's first home game in charge. (Chris, UK).

"Lino, Lino!"
Colchester fans when it was announced over the tannoy that a pair of glasses had been handed in. (Kieran Savill and Rob Lewarne).

"3-1 to the goldfish bowl!"
Newcastle fans to ex-player Jermaine Jenas, who said living in the north-east was like living in a goldfish bowl. (Jordan Clough, England).

"You dirty Northern ********!"
Plymouth fans to Charlton. (David Rogers, England).

"Are we England in disguise?"
My Scottish wife chanting during the Georgia-Scotland game. (Richard Evans, UK).

"If Mills can play for England, so can I!"
Wolves fans to Charlton's Danny Mills. (Joe Williams, England).

"You're not singing any more."
Wolves fans to Charlton.
"We weren't singing anyway!"
Charlton's response. (David Payne, England).

"You can stick your flat-pack wardrobes up your ****!"
Northern Ireland fans v Sweden. (Gareth Todd, Northern Ireland).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Can the owner of a Ford Ka, registration XXXXXX please return to your vehicle, as it is insecure."
Announcer at the Peterborough-Hereford game. Perhaps it needed some reassurance? (Nick Edwards, UK).


BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Dhoni, please cut your hair, my salon isn't working!"
Seen on a banner in the 20-20 game between India and Australia in Mumbai. (Dhruv P, UK).


BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week   


"Well I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon - which is something I've never done before, obviously."
David Beckham on his role in Disney's Dream Portrait ads.

"David is very tidy - even our fridge is colour-coded. He vaccuums in straight lines - in a pinny. If anyone walks around after he's done it, he gets funny."
Becks must be delighted with his wife's latest revelations in a radio inteview.

"I saw the celebration. Superman - super goal."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson on Stephen Ireland's cheeky goal celebration - flashing his Superman pants after scoring against Sunderland.

"We had to fight. We said if we had to die we would die together on that field."
William Gallas is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for Arsenal.

"If you've met a lovely women, do you really worry about what she did before she met you?"
QPR chairman Gianni Paladini on new manager Luigi de Canio, who has a habit of conducting brief love affairs with the clubs he manages.

"I went to see them play in midweek - I didn't realise you could travel so far and still be in England."
Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond contemplates a 315-mile trip to Barrow in Saturday's FA Cup first round.

"He had so much space you could have put a bungalow in there for his retirement."
Mick McCarthy believes his Wolves defence don't have much upstairs after leaving Liam Fontaine unmarked to score for Bristol City.

"Full credit for him that he came to speak to me at the hotel. His English was fine but he didn't say he had a big fry-up or anything."
Blackpool boss Simon Grayson on meeting Juande Ramos before the Carling Cup game with Spurs.

"I spotted some strikers jogging about in the Scottish Highlands this morning. It's a rare sight."
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan believes quality forwards are rarer than rocking horse dung.

"Even the chef's been out for two weeks with a hernia."
West Ham boss Alan Curbishley is cooking on empty.

"I don't like these silly phone-in programmes. People come on who don't know what the hell they are talking about and say things like 'sack the manager because the team played crap today'."
Harry Redknapp tip-toes around the issue of phone-ins.

"You would have to ask the individual horse."
Australian chief steward Ray Murrihy's reply in the Kieren Fallon trial after being asked whether Daring Aim was said to have a "whirling tail".

"I'll have to get my son to duff him up!"
Cardiff boss Dave Jones after Steven Gerrard knocked his side out of the Carling Cup. Jones Jr attends Liverpool's academy.

"It's just a game of football. There are 1.2 billion people in India who couldn't give a s*** what happens to Reading."
Reading boss Steve Coppell is philosophical after the 3-1 defeat by Fulham.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"And Arsenal finally lose their unbeaten record after drawing with Liverpool."
Fox soccer channel commentator at the end of the Liverpool-Arsenal game. (Darren Cooper, USA).

"In the situation we're in, any win is a good win but I thought it was a good win."
Bournemouth Manager Kevin Bond after his team, er, win 2-0. (Simon Reed, England).

"Pericard's got himself free - that's twice this week... he was only released from Strangeways a few days ago."
Commentator on the Stoke-Bristol City game. Striker Vincent Pericard came out of jail two days before the match. (Ben Marlow, UK).

"It looks like he's starting a moped."
Dave Woods describing the aptly-nicknamed Rob 'Beep Beep' Burrow's crouching and bouncing conversion technique in the GB v NZ Test match. (Kev Pender, England).

"We are replacing someone who will never be replaced in Warne."
Aussie chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch on picking a replacement for Shane Warne. (Matt, UK).

"They're going nowhere fast."
"Well, they're going nowhere slowly either."
"Then they're going nowhere at a medium pace."
Andrew Cotter and Brian Moore on Cardiff Blues' attack against Leicester. (Stephen F, UK).

"The lads have started like a train on fire."
Radio Nottingham's Johnny Mullins as Mansfield led Macclesfield 4-0 at half-time. (Alan B, Nottingham).

"I've spoken to Brian but I think what was said should stay between us."
Lawrence Dallaglio discovers a rather belated sense of privacy after slating England coach Brian Ashton in his autobiography. (Jack Hazzard, UK).

"There is no doubt in my mind that Kevin will win the Lonsdale belt."
Boxing promoter Tommy Gilmour. As he was commenting on Kevin Anderson v Kevin McIntyre he was on pretty safe ground! (Peter Vincent, Scotland).

"There's Dale Earnhardt Junior, walking along pit row with his manager and long-time cousin."
US commentator during the Nascar race at Talladega. (Woody, Bristol).

"I've lost count of how many passes this Arsenal move is. It must be more than double figures."
Sky Sports commentator thinks Arsenal have produced at least a 100-pass move. (Janiv Patel, UK). 

"Sam (Allardyce) would be a fool to let it happen and the guy who goes in would be a fool to accept it. The chairman, who is not a fool, would be a fool to go and do it, too."
The one and only Kevin Keegan scotches rumours that he is going to become director of football at Newcastle. (Lewis Taylor, Bristol).

Commentator 1: "The referee sure did take long to make his decision. He was like a father on his way home from a long day's work, stopping off at a pet store to buy his nine-year-old daughter a puppy for her birthday, looking through the window really, really hard, not wanting to make the wrong choice."
Commentator 2: "He sure did!"
Mind-boggling American commentary on ESPN during the World Series. (Alan Barnett, Ireland/Israel).

"A handball is when your hand touches the ball."
Gary Lineker. That's cleared that up, then. (Bob Dole, UK).

"He really should have a licence for that right foot."
Commentator on MOTD 2 after Stevie G scored a scorcher of a free-kick for Liverpool against Arsenal. (Sam Lannie, England).

"I think we are all frightened a little bit when a new broom starts to sweep."
Birmingham manager Steve Bruce on the takeover talks. (Dave, England).

"Bolton are having a moment. Since they introduced Speed, they seem to have perked up a bit."
Commentator at the Villa/Bolton game. Should Bolton be drug-tested?! (Jonesey, UK).

"It took time for Anderson to settle at United as they play with balls flashing everywhere."
Phil Thompson discusses the new boy at Man Utd. (Chris Wright, UK).

"It was awful. Sometimes you have one or two players who are not doing their job, but on this occasion we had about a dozen."
Despite Sven managing to sneak an extra player on to the pitch, Man City were still awful against Chelsea! (George Quin, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 6-0 down to Chelsea. (David, UK).

"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot..."
Ipswich Town fans after Dan Harding skied his free-kick into the top tier of the South Stand against Wolves.

"There's Only One Jonny Wilkinson!"
Wolves join in the fun. (Harrison Page, England).

"If Robin Hood was real, he'd be dead!"
Oldham supporters at Forest. (Luke, England).

"Let's all wave at Warnock!"
Sung by Watford at Crystal Palace, followed by 1,000 fans waving across the pitch to Neil Warnock. (Phil, England).

"There's only one Gary Mills."
Tamworth fans after boss Gary Mills got rid of midfielder....Gary Mills.

"Where's your Hamilton - where's your Hamilton?"
Salisbury fans at Stevenage in FA Cup qualifying match, after Stevenage-born Lewis Hamilton announced he was leaving the UK for Switzerland. (Ed, Cambridge).

"Li-ver-pool, hoof the ball."
Arsenal fans at Anfield, after Liverpool started playing long-ball tactics. (Jonny, Ireland).

"You're not fit to referee!"
During the Sheffield Wednesday-Blackpool game, when the referee went off injured. (Dave D, UK).

"Ade - Bom By Yay!"
Arsenal fans adapt the famous Muhammad Ali chant for striker Emmanuel Adebayor. (Jackson, England).

"We've got De Canio, **** off Mourinho!"
QPR fans salute their new manager against Hull. (Alex Ferguson, UK). 

"Car-park near Stansted, you're just a car-park near Stansted."
Weston-super-Mare fans to their Bishop's Stortford counterparts.
"Bus-stop near Bristol, you're just a bus-stop near Bristol."
Stortford fans make a swift retort! (Gareth Stephens, England).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Coming on for Fulham, Shefki Cuckoo."
Fulham announcer gets in a flap as Shefki Kuqi comes on as a sub against Reading.

"Mr Coombes in L1, your wife has just gone into labour."
At Leicester v Barnsley game. (Josh Sewell, England).


FLAG OF THE WEEK
"United, Kids, Wife... in that order."
Seen on a banner during the Man Utd-Arsenal game. (Anon).

[kjelvi]

Leeds is 'too-cold' for Chelsy



As we always suspected, Chelsy never really fancied it "oop north".
Prince Harry has been dumped by his girlfriend, because Leeds is "too cold" for her - according to reports.
Chelsy Davy, the 22-year-old who has been dating the present third-in-line to the throne, has dropped out of her law-degree studies at Leeds University to return to her native Cape Town.
According to Sky News, Leeds is too-cold for the poor love, she has failed to make friends amongst the good people of West Yorkshire and she also fears for her safety in Leeds.
Sky News also suggest that Harry's "playboy lifestyle" and the fact he missed her birthday party to go to the Rugby World Cup final in Paris last month has also influenced her decision!
Silly mare! Tosh like this gives our fine city a rotten name! Leeds is no colder than anywhere else in England, the locals are amongst the friendliest in the country and the last Leeds student I'm aware of coming to any harm was poor Meredith Kercher - who was murdered in Perugia earlier this month.

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week 


"I'm ready to take the blame for all the problems of English football if that is what he wants."
Arsene Wenger responds after Sir Alex Ferguson has a dig at Arsenal for their lack of homegrown players.

"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.

"You people sometimes are like those serial killers you see in films who cut out the words 'I am going to get you' or 'your wife is next'."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan rips into the media. Be afraid, be very afraid.

"Liam has worked hard on his finishing but I can't believe he wanted to see my backside so much!"
It's squeaky-bum time for Bristol City boss Gary Johnson, who promised to bare his backside in a shop window if Liam Fontaine ever scored - which he did against Wolves.

"He had his head bandaged up the other week after going in where it hurts. Mind you, that was probably the best thing with his dodgy haircut!"
Aston Villa's Curtis Davies believes defensive partner Martin Laursen is a cut above.

"I'll fight him anywhere. I'll fight him in his garden."
Joe Calzaghe is planning to show American great Bernard Hopkins he's the daddy.

"Sir Galahad was still fighting when he was a knight, why shouldn't our guy?"
Promoter Frank Warren believes Calzaghe is no ordinary Joe, following his defeat of Mikkel Kessler.

"Sri Lanka cricket at this moment of time is not going in the direction it should be going, especially with a set of muppets headed by a joker."
Sri Lankan batsman Marvan Atapattu has a mild dig at the selectors.

"I said a few things and I tried to grab him by the throat, but he was too high!"
Derby boss Billy Davies finds going head-to-head with defender Claude Davis a bit of a tall order.

"I got lucky because Ali missed a lot of balls - I'm playing rubbish in practice."
Ronnie O'Sullivan after hitting five straight centuries, including a maximum, against Ali Carter. You just let us know when you're playing well, Ron.

"Thank you, Liam!"
Aston Villa defender Zat Knight on the own-goal by former Villa player Liam Ridgewell that helped his old side win the Midlands derby.

"It's been great so far, very positive and smooth apart from... the season."
David Beckham is having a ball in LA, aside from that pesky day job.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"Early in the contest it did not look as if Haye could go 'all night long' as he failed to make the most of his extra six inches."
BBC Sport website talking about David Haye's reach during his cruiserweight title victory. (Andy Collins, England).

"Will Lewis come to the checkout, please, Lewis to the checkout..."
Heard in Stevenage Homebase this weekend. Perhaps he hasn't quite made it to Switzerland. (Andy, UK).

"Man United's defensive record is second to none... apart from Liverpool's that is."
Warren Barton on Sky. (Chris Owen, England).

"He's breathing, that is always a good sign."
Dick Best commentating on Perpignan v Dragons as Dan Lydiate lay injured. (Matthew Allen, Wales).

"And as it draws nearer to five o'clock here, it is now eight hours' difference from the UK."
Sky Sports commentator on HSBC Golf Champions. So is it a different time difference at other times in the day? (David Bedlow, England).

"De Ridder trying a couple of legovers there, just like Ronaldo."
Martin Keown while co-commentating on Birmingham v Villa. (Phil Todd, UK).

"Hamilton is a great driver, but there are lots of great drivers in Formula One who did not have his package."
Jenson Button reveals to the Mail on Sunday how size is everything in F1. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).

"Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked."
David Pleat on Rafa's rotation policy during the Liverpool-Besiktas game. (Marky Saunders, UK).

"SENT OFF: Ware, Wolf, Serious Foul Play (90)."
Taken from the BBC vidi-printer. No doubt he was sent off for having excessive facial hair and howling. (Mark Wittenberg, UK).

"Rob Burrow is dancing away like Michael Jackson out there."
BBC live commentary on the GB-New Zealand third Test. (Tim, Benfleet, Essex).

"We'll stay in a very nice hotel, travel up on a nice bus and in the morning we'll have a nice walk."
Motherwell manager Mark McGhee hoping for a 'nice' result in Inverness at the weekend. (Alan, Scotland).

"It's been a football marathon on 5 Live, I mean Channel 5.
Channel 5 commentator Dave Woods mixing up his employers - hope they understood. (Simon Carroll, Manchester).

"Nuremberg have a large fan base, with travellers making their way across the border from Czech Republic and Australia."
Kevin Ratcliffe in the build-up to Nuremberg v Everton on BBC Mersey. Think he needs a geography lesson! (Phil Parsons, England).

"Howard in goal was straight out like a light."
Setanta's Brian Kerr on Tim Howard coming swiftly out of his goal for Everton against Nuremberg. (Sinéad, Ireland),

"I'm a bit disappointed because we hadn't conceded a goal in our group until tonight."
Arsene Wenger must have been watching a different game from the 0-0 draw in Prague. (Paul Garton, England).

"That was a suicide pass by Easton, he could have been responsible for the first opening goal for Leeds."
David Platt on Hereford v Leeds. How many opening goals can you have? (Iain, Worcester).

"Gerken leaves Watford in a pickle."
Jeff Stelling after Colchester keeper Dean Gerken saves Marlon King's penalty. (Foster, England).

"Ronnie O'Sullivan fought back from 4-2 down to beat Tom Ford 5-3."
On BBC Sport website report. I knew Ronnie was good... (NP, UK).

"He hit that header with his hand."
Danish commentary concluding that Oscar Cardozo possesses the ability to head with his hand. (Daniel Marslew, Denmark).

"It's funny how teams play differently when they're three or 4-0 up. Everyone wants to eat the ball at that stage."
John Giles eulogises Liverpool's hunger during the 8-0 win over Besiktas. (Kevin Threadgold, Ireland).

"If I had any hair, I'd be pulling it out."
Dundee boss Alex Rae after they came from behind to win again. (Albert Kidd, Scotland).

"Last week, when Arsenal faced Slavia Prague, it was seven. For Liverpool tonight, it was eight. When Chelsea went to Schalke in Germany, it was NEIN."
Jim Rosenthal stakes his claim for corniest quote of the season on Champions League highlights. (Ian Robinson, London).

"Liverpool have sent a message to the Liverpool's, the Chelsea's and the Arsenal's."
David Pleat after Liverpool scored eight against Besiktas. Exactly how do you send a message to yourself then, David? (Kenny Lomas, England).

"The last time Arbeloa, Aurelio and Crouch all started for Liverpool, It was against Arsenal, Crouch scored a hat-trick and Arsenal won 4-1."
Commentator during Liverpool-Besiktas game. Who does Crouch play for again? (Tom Squires, Scotland).

"That was toilet bowl finishing from Raul."
GOLTV's Geordie football commentator. (Steven McLean, Scotland).

"There are three results possible."
Andy Townsend before the United-Arsenal match. OBVIOUSLY. (Luke Bennett, England).

"That's frustration - and a little bit of GBH."
Gerry Armstrong on a tackle by Babic on Messi during the Barca-Betis Match. Babic was then booked. (Michael, England).

"He rainbows the keeper."
A Fox Soccer channel analyst during a Bundesliga highlights programme describing the striker lobbing the goalkeeper. (Ola Adetula, Los Angeles).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You dirty northern b******s!" Torquay fans to Yeovil after a Torquay player was hacked down! (Neil Blinston, USA).

"We want nine!"
Manchester United fans after their second goal against Kiev, desperate not to be outdone by Liverpool! (Dale, England).

"Get your ass out for the lads!"
Bristol City fans after Liam Fontaine scored against Wolves. Johnson said at the start of the season - after Fontaine missed a sitter - he would bare his bum in a shop window if he ever scored. (Gary Turner, Bristol).

"Are you Besiktas in disguise?"
Sheffield Wednesday fans to Southampton when the Saints went 5-0 down. (Will Sarson, England).

"Meat pie, sausage roll, come on fatty - score a goal!"
Sung by Bishop's Stortford fans to Basingstoke's overweight left-back. (Ben Markham, England).

"Are you Wigan in disguise?"
Bolton fans to Bayern Munich during the 2-2 draw. (Foster, England).

"We've got more snow than you!"
Aberdeen fans to Lokomotiv Moscow on a snowy, wintry night at Pittodrie. (Scott Donaldson, Scotland).

"You're just a small town in Poland!"
Brighton fans to Walsall's travelling support. (James Blake, Brighton).

"Top of the league, your havin' a laugh!"
West Brom fans during the 3-0 victory over Watford at Vicarage Road.
"Top of the league, we're havin' a laugh!"
Watford fans reply. (Jonathan Parrott, England).

"He's gonna spit in a minute."
West Ham fans to Bolton's El Hadji Diouf. (Mike Amis, Chelmsford, Essex).

"Are you Frodo in disguise?"
Histon fans' chant at the rather short referee in the match against Bamber Bridge. (Don Wilderspin, England).

"You can stick your Yorkshire puddings up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to the Leeds fans after the 3-1 win! (Jack Dobinson, England).

"Lets go Marek Mintal!"
From a group of us who went to watch Nuremberg v Frankfurt - Nuremberg won 5-1 and their star player was Marek Mintal - so we started the chant. Sadly the Germans didn't catch on. (Jimmy, UK).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Tottenham's box office have announced that all tickets are sold out for next season's league game against Leeds."
Half-time announcer at Stamford Bridge.(Emily, UK).

"A message to the Family Stand - can you please start a Mexican wave?"
From the 150th anniversary game at Sheffield United. (Danny Waller, England).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week
20/11/07


"Unbelieveable. I'd actually slipped into the bathroom and I heard a big scream from my two boys and I gathered that, unbelievably, Israel had got the winner."
Steve McClaren on the moment he realised his career might not be going down the pan after all.

"We cannot fail to win - even if we face 13 players."
Russia striker Aleksandr Kerzhakov wins the 'me and my big mouth' award for his comments ahead of the Israel game.

"Deep in my mind my son is like me, a little Che Guevara, a rebel. He is always supporting my opponents to tease me - when I played for Everton he supported Liverpool."
England can count on one extra fan in Wednesday night's clash with Croatia - manager Slaven Bilic's 10-year-old revolutionary son.

"I prefer to frighten people by driving around in my white Porsche with Slipknot blaring out of the windows!"
Reading's American goalkeeper when asked about the hoard of guns he keeps back home.

"He can't help being good-looking - he was born like it, I suppose."
Harry Redknapp on the adonis that is Glen Johnson. Takes one to know one.

"Calzaghe is cute, but he ain't going to be cute after this facelift."
Bernard Hopkins wants to prove the Italian Dragon really is an ordinary Joe if their proposed fight goes ahead.

"I felt like Tarzan."
Sir Bobby Robson recalls how he quickly got into the swing of things on his first day as Republic of Ireland consultant.

"My wife tells me I'm only half the man I used to be."
Former darts world champion Andy Fordham on losing 10-stone, courtesy of the miraculous don't drink 25 bottles of lager a day diet.

"All he has around him are yes men telling him what he wants to hear, shouting 'You're da man! You're da man!'"
Ricky Hatton keeps the pot boiling ahead of his fight with Floyd Mayweather.

"When Carla comes over from Spain to stay with me, we pass our time shopping in Zara."
Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas is never happier than when shopping for women's clothes.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland. (Stevie Mac, N Ireland).

"If Calzaghe and Frank Warren are serious, they can cross the Red Sea and come over to the United States, because we're the best in everything we do."
Bernard Hopkins implying that Egypt must be somewhere between America and the UK. (Swi, Gloucestershire).

"In Dublin it's now Northern Ireland 2, Denmark 1."
Commentator on Swedish TV channel may need to brush up on his geography! (Simon Wall, Sweden).

"I'm tempted to say it's a massive result for Staines!"
Ray Stubbs makes a half-hearted attempt at an Ali G pun on BBC's Score. (Phil, England).

"Like Oliver Twist, they want more."
Commentator after Spain scored their second goal against Sweden. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"Head-to-head: Newcastle with 48 wins, Sunderland with 40, the rest have been draws."
Sky Sports commentator at the Tyne-Wear derby. (Pete, Swindon).

"So, Kenny Miller has a hamstring?"
Jonathan Pearce talking to Derby boss Billy Davies. Hopefully he's got two. (Chris Avery, England).

"Substitute Darren Smith wrapped up the pints for the visitors with minutes to go."
The BBC Sport website's report on Inverness v Motherwell suggests the visitors were more interested in post-match drinks than the three POINTS on offer. (Dave Edwards, Poland).

"Me and my mate are playing our usual Premier League drinking game, basically taking a shot of something every time a goal is scored. We're now very sober."
Anon via text on 81111, second-half of Blackburn-Liverpool when the score was still 0-0. (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).

"It looks as though he's got talent."
David Coulthard after seeing seven-times world champion Michael Schumacher come out of retirement to set the fastest time during testing for Ferrari. (Dan, Watford).

"Having one shot in 90 minutes isn't good, especially when that's in the 93rd minute."
Norwich striker Jamie Cureton following the 3-0 defeat at Plymouth. (Jon Skinner, UK).

"I know Rafa well and he will break his own head to find a solution to get the title for Liverpool."
Reds keeper Pepe Reina on Rafa Benitez's determination. (Matteo D'Alesio, England).

"It was a funny one. It was one of them ones that either goes in, or goes over the stand - and as I say, it was neither."
Northern Ireland striker Warren Feeney describing his 30-yard volley against Denmark on Saturday night that hit the post and bounced clear. (Vince Coupon, Belfast).

"I was in the doping centre and somebody came in and told me I was in the squad. At first, I thought they were taking the p*** out of me."
Italy striker Raffaelle Palladino on being called up to the squad for the first time. Isn't that what they're supposed to do?! (Gordon Pattinson, UK).

"I was especially happy to have my mum there, as she has been there with me from the start."
Nathan Ashton on making his Fulham debut against Reading... aren't mothers usually there at the start? (Nick, England).

"That was a good shot by Benently... Betently... whatever!"
Match of the Day commentator when Bentley's shirt had BETNLEY printed on it. (Umang Joshi, England).

"If the Rovers staff struggle to spell 'Bentley' then maybe it explains why Zura Khizanishvili cannot get in the side."
The Sun after David Bentley's shirt for the Manchester United clash had the Blackburn winger's name spelt 'Betnley'. (Andy Gorn, England).

"Niemi goes the wrong way on the Gerrard dodge shot to put Liverpool two-zip ahead."
Fox Soccer Channel analyst in the USA revealing a new name for a good old-fashioned penalty! (Andrew Ford, USA).

"If Arsenal lose this two-goal lead, I'll eat my heart."
Craig Burley while co-commentating during the Reading-Arsenal match. (Matt Sayles, UK).

"He's young, he's English, pretty much everything."
Jamie Redknapp on Joe Hart after the Portsmouth game. Some criteria, Jamie? (Max, London).

"You're likely to find more life on Mars than on this pitch."
Damien Fleming's views on the pitch for the fifth ODI between India and Australia in Vadodara. (Mike Stevenson, England).

"England have used their get out of free jail card."
Richard Keys gets his words mixed up after Israel's 2-1 win over Russia. (Lee Precious, England).

"Be still my thundering heart, it thumps in my breast like Roger Rabbit on the sight of Jessica's cavernous cleavage."
Heart-pumping words about Scotland from Chick Young's column! (Ben Ling, Norwich).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Who picked your team this week?" and "Stand up if you own Ebbsfleet."
Oxford United fans to the travelling Ebbsfleet fans on Saturday. (Andy Roberts, Oxford).

Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
He stands between our posts,
He's named after a ghost.
Cardiff fans to keeper Kasper Schmeichel. (Rhys, Wales).

"It's just like being in church!"
Blackburn fans at an incredibly quiet Old Trafford. (Niall, Preston).


"I saw my mate, the other day,
He said to me he's seen the white Pele,
He said to me, whats his name?
I said to him, his name is Buzsaky, Buzsaky, Buzsaky."
QPR fans to Akos Buzsaky at Palace. (Saffa Michail, Isle of Wight).

"Ohh! We're half way there! Ohh-ohh! Aliadiere!"
Boro fans to their striker. (Matt, England).

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Aliadiere - Jeremie Aliadiere!"
And there's more...to the tune of 'Baby Give it Up'. (Anthony, England).

"Have yeh no paid yer 'leccy bill?"
Aberdeen supporters after the floodlights cut out at Tynecastle during Hearts' 4-1 win. (Laura, Scotland).

"Davis, Davis give us a save!"
Ironic chants from Southampton fans saints to keeper Kelvin Davis while 5-0 down at Hillsborough. (Peter B, England).

"Bring on the Chelsea!"
Derby fans when 5-0 down to West Ham, with Chelsea next up at Pride Park. (David, UK).

"We'll never play you again."
Arsenal fans to their Reading counterparts when winning at Madejski stadium.
"You *******said that last year!"
Reading fans reply. (John Bycroft, UK)

"It's just like watching Seville!"
Spurs fans to new manager Juande Ramos. (Lewis Buckler, England).

"Ooh arrr, it's a massacarrrrrrr!"
Torquay fans while 4-1 up against Yeovil in the FA Cup. (David Hart, England).

"We've got more stands than you've got points!"
Cambridge United fans reminding long-suffering Northwich supporters of their team's record of no wins in 19 games so far this season. (Neil the milkman, Norfolk).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"There is a no-smoking policy in all parts of the Layer Road ground. Anyone who is caught smoking will be taken away, strapped to an electric chair and electrocuted until they are dead. Thank you."
Colchester announcer at half-time in the Leicester game, according to The Sun.

"The referee for tonight's match is Mr A E Rayner."
At Vale Park as Amy Rayner jogged out on the pitch to referee Port Vale Reserves against Shrewsbury Town Reserves. No truth in the rumour Mike Newell was guest announcer! (Mark Whitby, England).

"This is a message for Alex xxxxxxxx, just to remind you that your mother is waiting outside the front for you."
Heard over the tannoy at Cambridge v Northwich Victoria. (FarJhole, England).

[gelderdend]

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/crowd-mosaic-was-changed-to-create-picture-of-mans-genitals-228

[pale]

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/crowd-mosaic-was-changed-to-create-picture-of-mans-genitals-228

HA, HA

Det må vel være tidenes practical joke.

[lojosang]

Dette skyldes nok bare at noen hadde hørt litt feil.
"a giant Nike tick"
a giant ...like...prick.

Fort gjort. 

[flynn]

Noen som husker avslutningsseremonien fra Lillehammer-OL?
I forkant av OL var det masse diskusjon om hvorfor Coca Cola skulle ha monopol på reklame for kullsyreholdig leskedrikk, og sterke røster mente at det hadde vært fint om f.eks Solo kunne promoteres for en gangs skyld.

Noen av Solo-tilhengerne bet seg merke i bildeutsnittet fra det kameraet som sto øverst i Lysgårdsbakken under åpningsseremonien, og så at den skogkledde lia på motsatt side av dalen fikk en sentral plass i oversiktsbildet.
De monterte derfor i nattens mulm og mørke ett anlegg med bilbatterier og kraftige lyspærer oppe i skogen. Når mørket senket seg, og avslutningsseremonien startet, slo de på lyset.

Jeg satt inne i TV-produksjonsbussen, og kunne interessert høre lettere hysteriske tv-producere, reklamefolk og andre jamre seg over S O L O "reklamen" som ble vist hver gang man svitsjet inn det kameraet. Ikke kunne man la være å benytte kameraet på kort varsel, det hadde liksom ødelagt den svært nitidig planlagte produksjonen. Og ei heller rakk man å få sendt noen avgårde for å skru det av, det hadde sikkert tatt minst en time eller to.

Fantastisk prank synes nå jeg 

flynn

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week 

"They all lined up like a bunch of tailor's dummies to announce Steve McClaren's sacking and it was like being at the fun-fair. Take a pop-gun, shoot them and see who falls off their chair - walk away with a goldfish."
Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict on the press conference held by the FA suits after England's defeat to Croatia, in his News of the World column.

"Mila kura si planina."
Roughly translated as "My penis is a mountain" - the words opera singer Tony Henry accidentally used while singing Croatia's national anthem. He should have said "You know, my dear, how we love your mountains".

"I don't think any of the Croatian team would get into our team."
Michael Owen gives his verdict on England's World Cup draw. You sure about that, Michael?

"Unfortunately apparently I am to blame because I don't produce enough English players!"
Arsene Wenger bravely takes the rap for England's failure to qualify.

"I got booed, Jesus, and I didn't even play on Wednesday night!"
Ashley Cole is almost as shocked as the day he realised he was 'only' going to be paid £55k a week at Arsenal.

"You live and die by results, I asked to be judged on that and people have."
Steve McClaren admits he is dead in the water after the defeat by Croatia.

"Where I was brought up, they say you have to have received a death certificate before you are declared dead."
But Italy's Roberto Donadoni is very much alive ahead of the crunch clash with Scotland.

"I'll bounce back - I'm not one to lie on a beach."
McClaren, shortly before getting ready to jet off for a break in Barbados.

"Roy of the Rovers reads David Healy comics."
BBC Northern Ireland pundit John O'Neill after Healy broke Davor Suker's goalscoring record in Euro qualifiers.

"As always I am focused on training and coaching my team."
Rafa Benitez's statement that he repeated between nine and 25 times (depending on which paper you read) during a press conference after Liverpool's owners, Tom Hicks, told him to stop criticising their transfer policy.

"I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear."
Ian Holloway believes he's gone from cor blimey to Cordelia after getting the Leicester job.

"When I first started it was beer on ice and now it's players on ice."
The newly-retired Darren Lehmann on how ice baths leave him cold.

"I'm like milk. Once it's gone past its expiry date you can't drink it anymore."
Luis Aragones won't be staying on as Spain manager till the cows come home.

"The scariest moment of the week came when a snake turned up at the ground. Someone said it was a python but, to be honest, I didn't care what it was - it was just huge."
Kevin Pietersen is freaked by a snake on the plains in Sri Lanka.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"So England have lost - we're the worst team in the country."
Pigeon Detectives during their gig at Kentish Town straight after the Croatia game. At least their performance was better than their post-match analysis. (Chris Sheard, London).

"I have spoken to Steve, I get on really well with him, I had a grown-up conservation with him."
Brian Barwick confirms that he didn't resort to childish name-calling when telling Steve McClaren that he was to be sacked. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"This team has some of the best players in England."
David Beckham on the England national team. (Lee Thomas, Japan).

"I love your players. They are jumbo jets of football."
Slaven Bilic talking about England. Is he for one moment implying they're slow and lethargic?! (George Quin, England).

"We knew at half-time we were only half-way there."
Wales captain Simon Davies after the Germany result. (Matt Simkins, Wales).

"90 minutes: McClaren has another sip of water. Good to be adequately hydrated when you get lynched..."
From the Eurosport.com commentary for the England/Croatia match. (Alan Grove, United States).

"We call it the Andrex Premiership. Soft and overly expensive."
Lawrence Dallaglio on BBC's Top Gear. (Chris Lomas, UK).

"He's one of the shorter keepers of the Premiership - only six inches tall."
BBC commentator about Man City's Isaakson. You sure he's that short?! (Guillaume R, London).

John Motson: "You wouldn't expect Wright Phillips to win the header."
Mark Lawrenson: "Not unless he had a stepladder!"
During the England v Croatia game. (Marcus Jackson, England).

"If United don't equalise, they might lose this game."
XFM commentator Micky Thomas's words of wisdom as Man Utd trailed Bolton 1-0. (David Dawber, England).

"Keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen did well to keep out Owen Hargreaves' dipping free-kick with a flying dave."
BBC report on Bolton-Man U game. (Darren Riley, England).

"Lee Trundle could do with a bit of doughnut rehab."
Steve Guppy commentating on the Bristol City-Leicester match on BBC Radio Leicester. (Samantha, Scotland).

"If it was a knockout tournament with a final, that would be a great idea - quarter-final, semi-final, final - and a very interesting end to the season."
Kevin Doyle when asked about a return of the Home Nations tournament. How many teams does he think will be in it? (Stephen Wilkes, Ireland).

"What I am focusing on is putting on the Gillingham shirt."
Gills' new signing Adam Miller. I know footballers aren't famed for being the cleverest, but it seems he still needs help dressing himself! (Jo Fitzgerald, England).

"And McCartney is challenged by Lennon."
Commentary on the West Ham-Spurs match on Sky. (Andy, England).

"If it wasn't for the fact that they had more skill, guile, flair, pace, ability and commitment than us, we could genuinely have nicked something."
A Sunderland fan on 606 reflects on their 7-1 defeat at Everton. (Marcus, England).

"If it's anywhere on the pitch apart from inside the 18-yard box, you'd get a penalty."
Chris Kamara, after Birmingham's penalty appeals were turned down. (James Algie, Middlesbrough).

"If someone did us a favour on Saturday and we weren't in the right frame of mind to take advantage on Wednesday, it would be criminal."
Michael Owen prior to the Croatia game. The England team should be hearing from the police very soon! (Gordon, Scotland).

"He's my Dream Team captain (points x 2) and Bolton at home must rank as a definite win, near-certain clean-sheet, with the possibility of a goal. I could have been on 20 points with the big fella, now I'm gonna have to drop him, bring in Liam Rosenior and give Kenwyne Jones the armband! Do Uefa care? Do they......!"
'Romario1000' on 606 on the subject of Nemanja Vidic potentially being unavailable for Man Utd v Bolton due to the rescheduled Serbia game. (Ian Robinson, Kingston, London).

"Northern Ireland are kicking with the tide."
BBC Radio 5 Live commentator at the start of the rather wet match against Denmark. (Mark, England).

"I know England have most often used 4-4-2 but I feel there could be an innovation on Wednesday. I personally think it will be 2-0."
Arsene Wenger suggests a bold new formation for England in light of their injury and suspension-hit squad. (Rob Hayton, UK).

"Wouldn't it be great for Jaques to make consecutive debut hundreds?"
Mark Nicholas on Aussie batsman Phil Jaques, even though he made his debut in 2006, four games ago! (Tom Calder, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la..." (To the tune of Amarillo).
Oldham fans to midfielder Jean-Paul Kalala. (Luke_oafc, England)

"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na - Darryl, Darryl Knights, Darryl Knights, Darryl, Darryl Knights." (To the tune of Baby Give It Up).
Cambridge United fans to on-loan striker Darryl Knights. (Lewis W the Junior U, England).

"You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Man City fans to Reading after going one-nil up. (Helen, Reading).

"You're just a bus stop in West Ham."
Sung by us Yeovil fans during our 2-1 defeat at Millwall. (Dan Gillard, England). Brave or just plain daft? Ed.

"Are you England in disguise?"
Jubilant Staines Town fans to Stockport counterparts after scoring an early goal on Thursday. (Matt, Chertsey).

"Three caretakers' blue and white army!"
Barrow fans pay tribute to their three-man player/caretaker management team in the FA Cup first round replay at Bournemouth. (Andy Steel, England).

"Banksy, Banksy, swing on the bar!"
Hearts fans to goalkeeper Steve Banks while winning 4-1 against Aberdeen. Banks then runs up and swings on the bar! (Thomas Arnot, Scotland).

"He's big, he's Scouse, he looks like Mickey Mouse - it's Franny Jeffers, Franny Jeffers!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans against Southampton. (Molly Fenwick, Doncaster).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK "Has anyone got any cheese?"
The Penrith announcer's comment which was unwittingly broadcast over the public address system during the game with Marske United. (Paul, Marske).

BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Week  7/12

"They searched the house and took a computer away that I bought my wife two years ago - I think she learnt to turn it on four weeks ago."
Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a 'football corruption' investigation.

"I held a meeting with my players. I told them about the agent and that allegedly he had paid some of his fee to the player. All of them wanted his phone number because they had never heard of an agent who wanted to give a player any money!"
Redknapp's plans to stick to a prepared statement don't last long.

"I have received texts from many players who I have worked with - and top managers - and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails because now I haven't got a computer."
Harry gives Peter Kay a run for his money as he warms to his theme.

"We have to improve massively at either end of the field."
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is delighted with his midfield.

"People say we are having no luck, but we are - it's just all bad.''
Southgate is desperately in need of a rabbit foot or two.

"The fire is always ready but now it looks as though you are burned on the village green quicker than ever before."
Arsene Wenger gets fired-up about the number of managers getting the boot.

"This win means I may be able to leave the house now."
Roy Keane after Sunderland's win over Derby. And just who would be daft to have a pop at him?

"I really feed off the positivity from the media, the crowds and the supporters - it's like a 15th club in my bag."
Golfer Michael Campbell puts a new spin on football's 12th man as he plays in the New Zealand Open.

"It's red hot on the field, it's red hot in the dressing room and what do you get for lunch? Red-hot curry."
Aggers gets hot under the collar in Sri Lanka.

"I think I'd be brilliant! My ego thinks I'd be brilliant. Actually the rest of me thinks I'd do it brilliantly!''
Martin O'Neill admits he would make a brilliant England manager - after ruling himself out of the running.

"England do not have a game until February, so why make a decision over a bacon butty at 8.30am?"
Sir Alex Ferguson believes the FA made a pig's ear of Steve McClaren's sacking.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."
Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes. (Jim Kelleher, England).

"If he was a footballer he'd be in A&E by now."
Brian Moore while James Hook was having his dislocated finger popped back into place during Wales v South Africa. (Rich Griff, Wales).

"We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more."
Ryan Giggs on MUTV after the 2-0 defeat of Fulham. (Tommy).

"His looks have taken a bit of a battering this season. When he came here he looked a bit like a pop star but now he is looking like Sloth from the Goonies, if that's not too cruel on Sloth."
Morecambe winger Garry Thompson on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. (Matt, England).

"Alan Smith is not happy with Martin Atkinson, who could yellow card him for that haircut."
Announcer on Setanta during the Blackburn-Newcastle game. (John Kingma, Canada).

"...and Ferguson scores to make it 2-2 again."
Archie Macpherson during Rangers-Stuttgart. (Mark, Scotland).

"This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us." Darren Bent stating the obvious after Tottenham's Uefa Cup fightback against Aalborg. (Dominic Edmundson, UK).

"Murali took the wicket of Paul Collingwood, taking him past Shane Ward's record!"
Radio 1 sports reporter on Jo Whiley's show. Bit of a career change for Shane since winning the X-Factor! (Dan Godfrey, England).

"If they released a Titus Bramble bloopers DVD, it would be four hours long."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 after Bramble's latest mistake. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"And Porto look very comfortable with this 1-1 lead."
Heard in commentary during the Liverpool-Porto match. (Dominic, Australia).

"It looks like he's pulled a rabbit out of the bag."
David Pleat on Juande Ramos's astute tactics. Ramos appears to have left his hat back in Spain. (Richard Furness, UK).

"They've kept three or four clean sheets in the last couple of games."
Cambridge United manager Jimmy Quinn talking on 5 Live. (Chick, Wales).

"I don't think you can ever retire from international rugby."
Ben Cohen guaranteeing an exciting World Cup in 2047. (Peter, Bosnia & Herzegovina).

"I'll bare my bum in Binns window again if Boro score more than 40 goals this season."
Bernie Slaven on Century FM. Slaven did just that in 1999 after Boro beat Man Utd. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank).

"The scoreline of 4-0 doesn't tell the full story. It's been all too easy for Liverpool."
Jan Molby watches Liverpool grind out a win against Bolton. (George Quin, England).

"We have been beaten 4-0 but no way was there four goals between the teams."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's 4-0 defeat at home. So when is there four goals between teams? (Joe Duane, England).

"I am always focused on training and coaching my team!"
A beaming David Moyes repeats the Rafa Benitez mantra in a pre-match press conference, to the delight of journalists. (Andy, England).

"He has the physique of a newspaper boy."
A classic Archie MacPherson quote describing the skinny DaMarcus Beasley. (Matthew Bowron, Scotland).

"I'm not being funny, but David Unsworth is fatter than me and Gavin Mahon couldn't even pass wind accurately today."
Martin Price commentating on Watford v Burnley on BBC 3CR. (Jonny Moloney, England).

"Martin Jol was literally a dead man walking at Spurs."
Steve Claridge on 5 Live during Spurs v West Ham. (Mike, England).

"I'm not upset. I'm upset because we lost the game."
Arsene Wenger after the Sevilla defeat. Erm, which is it, Arsene? (Maurice K Nyambe, Zambia).

"Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England).

"It's unbelievable. It's not a surprise because I know I can play, but reaching the semi-finals is a surprise."
Kevin McDine after reaching the Grand Slam of Darts semi-finals. Make up your mind, Kev! (Paul, Devon).

"I received more tackles in one game than I've had in my entire life. It was the same last year too."
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra gets confused after being 'kicked off the pitch' in the Bolton game. Maybe it was concussion! (Jon Allsop, England).

"It would be the equivalent of Frank Sinatra coming over here and not playing Wembley, but playing at Batley Frontier Working Men's Club."
Aidy Boothroyd on the possibility of Al Bangura getting deported, and having to play in Sierra Leone. (Dave, Bournemouth).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"I am the Music Man.
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man. As sung by Black Lace and The Tweenies, amongst others - Ed. (Danny Bostock, Wrexham).

"Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson. (Paul, London).

Newcastle fans: "Shearer! Shearer!"
Blackburn fans: "Where did Shearer win the league?"
Banter at Blackburn-Newcastle. (Andy, England).

"Sven, Sven wherever you may be/You are the pride of Man City/You can s*** my wife on our settee/If we win a cup at Wem-ber-lee."
Man City fans to Sven. (Jim Hall, Rainow).

"You're staying home, you're staying home, England staying home!"
Cardiff to travelling Ipswich fans, to the tune of Three Lions. (Jack, Wales).

"You're just a town with one surname."
Cambridge Utd fans to Burton. (James, England).

"Hey, Swansea... leave our sheep alone!"
Tranmere fans to Swansea - to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. (Will, UK).

"You're just a theme park in Preston."
Southampton fans to Blackpool counterparts. (Will T, England).

"You're not going home!"
Preston fans to Charlton after a stadium announcement saying the M6 southbound had been closed down. (Matt, England).

"You are our feeder club."
Tottenham fans to West Ham fans.
"That's why you're going down."
West Ham fans' response. (Gary Arnold, England).

"He's got his IQ on his shirt."
Sung to James Scowcroft by Colchester fans - he wears the number eight. (Tom, Essex).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester's announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace. (Greg, England).


BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Arrow, is it me you're looking for?"
At the Grand Slam of Darts. (Neil, UK).

[flynn]

Likte spesielt denne:

"Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England).

Ellers mangler vel Norman Hunters undring etter at Prutton fikk gult kort nr.6; "He can't even tackle a hot dinner!"

flynn

[kjelvi]

What they said in 2007

Pick of the sporting quotes from the last 12 months
Many of sports key figures have had plenty to say for themselves during 2007. Here we pick out the the best quotes from the last 12 months


A FUNNY OLD GAME
"We played like a bunch of drunks" - Yossi Benayoun on West Ham's 6-0 defeat to Reading on New Year's Day.

"If it was a boxing match it would be Muhammad Ali against Jimmy Krankie" - Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd did not rate his side's chances against Manchester United.

"They have my credit card number, and we will say, 'How much do you need this week? Let's do it'" - Arsene Wenger on Arsenal's frequent trips to face the Football Association's disciplinary panel.

"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures" - Ken Bates after finally succeeding in retaining control at Leeds.

"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the South African World Cup" - Robbie Savage on Wales' World Cup 2012 hopes under John Toshack.


THE AWARD FOR DIPLOMACY GOES TO.....
"It doesn't matter whether it's cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England" - Australian Rugby Union boss John O'Neill.

"If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it's a sad state of affairs" - Sunderland boss Roy Keane blasts those players who let their wives and girlfriends dictate who they sign for.

"Playing against a small team it is not always easy when they have nine men behind the ball" - Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez caused fury with his assessment of rivals Everton.


ANGER MANAGEMENT
"Don't ever call me a bottler on radio with all those thousands of people listening" - Jamie Carragher reacts angrily to a radio debate on his international retirement.

"I am not going to leave. Never. I am staying here for life" - Thierry Henry scoffed at talk of a move from Arsenal. He later left for Barcelona.


WORDS OF WISDOM
"Two minutes after people see this interview I'll just be that big gay guy" - Former England international John Amaechi, now retired, after becoming the first NBA player to 'out' himself.

"This is the icing on the gravy" - American Lucas Glover after qualifying for the Open.

"This was as good as I could have been" - A retiring Tim Henman takes a final swipe at critics who claimed he underachieved.

"We were on £65 per week when I played and I always say that if I was on £25,000 per week they could put boxes of tomatoes around the track and they could throw them at me if I had a bad game. That's the way I see it." - Former Celtic star George Connelly reflects on changing times and the modern pay packets.


THE WORD IN UNION
"I used to milk 100 cows six days a week, and then go to a place like Newbridge, in Wales, on a wet Wednesday night and have my head kicked in. It was a tough apprenticeship, but you know what? I miss those days'' - Phil Vickery revealed the tough road that led to the England captaincy.

"Whatever they say from 12,000 miles away, I bet they wish they were sitting where I am now" - Brian Ashton on leading England to the World Cup final.

"There were about 30 text messages on my phone. I think 29 out of the 30 had 'robbed' in the text" - Winger Mark Cueto on his try that never was in England's 15-6 final loss to South Africa.


FAT FIGHTERS
"Ricky Hatton ain't nothing but a fat man." - Floyd Mayweather got personal.

"I've definitely proved the fat man is back" - Ricky Hatton after destroying Jose Luis Castillo inside four rounds in Las Vegas.


STICKY WICKET
"When it came to trying to catch the ball, I honestly thought I was going to hurt him, so uncoordinated was he" - Former England coach Duncan Fletcher's sensational revelation about Andrew Flintoff turning up to training drunk during the Ashes.

"One word changed the context of the whole article, a word which I didn't say" - Michael Vaughan's attempt to claim he did not use the word 'Fredalo' in his comments about England's World Cup demise. He did.

"Zaheer obviously came in and wasn't too pleased - I think he prefers the blue ones to the pink ones" - Paul Collingwood makes light of the Jelly Bean scandal that marred England's Test defeat to India.


FORMULA ONE
"I just found out the other day I've slept with Dido. If I did, I don't remember it!" - Lewis Hamilton reacts to his new-found media profile.

"I am still quite happy. To have come from GP2, who would have thought I'd be number two in my first season in Formula One?" - Lewis Hamilton remains philosophical after throwing away his world title hopes at the last.

"I think there is some kind of justice" - Ferrari's Kimi Raikkonen, who snatched the crown from Hamilton, believed McLaren's role in the spying scandal meant they did not deserve the title.


THE SPECIAL ONE
"I think I will love Chelsea forever. I cannot separate my story with Chelsea's story" - Jose Mourinho deflected rumours of a Chelsea departure early in the year.

"If we win, we go to the semi-final, if we lose, I will go to Earl's Court and watch the wrestling on the 24th" - Mourinho, after his side's Champions League quarter-final first-leg draw with Valencia.

"I am not 'The Special One'. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special" - Mourinho's replacement Avram Grant at his first press conference as Chelsea boss.

SkySports

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the Year   

The Special One departed, the Hitman was knocked out and we welcomed the arrival of a new British Formula One star.
And they all played their part in making 2007 one of the best years ever - for sporting quotes.


JUST FOR LAUGHS
"I used to milk 100 cows six days a week, and then go to a place like Newbridge, in Wales, on a wet Wednesday night and have my head kicked in. It was a tough apprenticeship, but you know what? I miss those days."
New England rugby union captain Phil Vickery reminisces about the good ol' days.

"It's a bit like Amsterdam. They look great in the window, but it's different when you go inside."
Comic Bob Mills debates the perils of football's transfer window.

"I didn't know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from."
Boo Weekley with his verdict on St Andrews. Weekley hails from Milton in Florida. His nickname comes from Yogi Bear's sidekick, Boo Boo Bear.

"All through the match I just wasn't there, I didn't perform. I played like a fish!"
Mark Williams misses out on a plaice in the second round of the World Snooker Championship after losing to Joe Swail.

"Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists - I smoke."
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.

"I felt the rear end go down, selected first gear and thought I saw the lolly move."
Lewis Hamilton on jumping the gun during a pit stop at Silverstone. At least we think that's what he was talking about.

"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"
Cesc Fabregas reveals his Homer Simpson fitness philosophy.

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder ahead of the clash with the New York Giants at Wembley. Americans - gotta love 'em.

"It is nice to be recognised for actually achieving something in life as opposed to spending seven weeks in a house on TV with a load of other muppets."
British cyclist Bradley Wiggins has a pop at Big Brother after finishing fourth in the Tour de France prologue.

"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland.

"99% of the letters and e-mails are supporting us and that's not bad. That's as good as Saddam Hussein did and he was fiddling the figures."
Ken Bates after winning his battle to retain control at Leeds United.

"I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe."
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decides to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph on video and finds his kids have taped over it.

"He hit me below the belt, south of the border, south of the equator, everywhere you can imagine. What a filthy fighter."
Alex Arthur reveals his displeasure at the tactics of Koba Gogoladze after knocking out the Georgian during their super featherweight clash.

"I was made to stand on a chair and sing Lulu's 'Shout' to the lads as part of the initiation... it was only after I'd finished - and they'd stopped laughing - that I found out I was the only new player to do it."
Bristol City new boy Lee Trundle is singing from a different hymn sheet to the rest of his team-mates.

"He will find out the hard way on his birthday that he has got a present he never wanted.''
Graham Earl vows to wish Amir Khan an unhappy 21st birthday ahead of their fight in December. Earl was knocked out after 72 seconds.

"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.

"Dad's tiny - his passport picture is a full-length shot. He looks like he just hopped off a key ring. Mum is a different matter, she's a bit of a handful to say the least. I love her more than anyone on this Earth. But she's a monster."
Boxer Ricky Hatton lavishes praise on his parents.

He's got quite a bit of rhythm to him but you ought to see me on the dance floor in Manchester on a Saturday night with 12 pints of Guinness inside me - he doesn't even come close."
Hatton poo-poos Floyd Mayweather's appearance on Dancing With The Stars.


FOOTBALL FUNNIES
"I reckon he left the club in a much better state than when he took over."
Text message to BBC Five Live after Leroy Rosenior lasts just 10 minutes as Torquay manager.

"Up front we played like world beaters - at the back it was more like panel beaters."
Wigan manager Paul Jewell on a 3-3 draw with Spurs.

"I look forward to taking the club into a new era."
Comment from new Luton chairman David Pinkney in April - the club went in administration, were hit by a raft of FA charges and docked 10 points in November.

"I am not the 'Special One'. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special. What am I like? I am 180cm."
New Chelsea manager Avram Grant has them rolling in the aisles in his first press conference.

"Lampsy, I reckon. The girls like him a little bit. If I was that way I'd see something in him."
Chelsea captain John Terry when asked by the club's TV station to name the best-looking player in the squad.

"There's a few ugly ones. Carlo is probably the best looking."
Lampard plumps for Carlo Cudicini.

"I didn't know it was against the rules."
Cabofriense defender Cleberson after being booked for kissing the referee during a 3-1 defeat by Botafogo at the Maracana.

"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you."
Barcelona striker Thierry Henry on his intimate relationship with the Spanish hacks.

"Well I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon - which is something I've never done before, obviously."
David Beckham on his role in Disney's Dream Portrait ads.

"These so-called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well they are weak and soft. If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it's a sad state of affairs."
Sunderland boss Roy Keane says what he thinks - just for a change.

"I had 18 players at Brentford and 20 at MK Dons, but when you see all the players run out at training here it's like a scene from Zulu!"
Martin Allen compares the size of his Leicester squad to the Michael Caine epic...not a lot of people knew that.

"There's more chance of me flying Concorde to the moon blindfolded than there is of you taking Wales to the World Cup."
What Robbie Savage reportedly told Wales manager John Toshack. At least he's not bitter.

"I'll bounce back - I'm not one to lie on a beach."
Former England manager Steve McClaren, shortly before jetting off for a break in Barbados.


JOSE MOURINHO
"My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away."
Jose Mourinho uses his post-FA Cup final speech to reassure the population that his runaway Yorkie has left the country.

"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
Mourinho was desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.

"I would love to gather all the fans together to say goodbye but they would crush me with their love."
Jose is as modest as ever on leaving Stamford Bridge.


IAN HOLLOWAY
"I think the Bosman thing is a pile of donkey dung."
BBC Sport columnist Ian Holloway, the former Plymouth manager, after learning midfielder Tony Capaldi was considering his future.

"If I'd have been one of their fans I'd have hit him with a bottle myself."
Holloway after an over-the-top goal celebration by Pilgrims player Hasney Aljofree led to bottles being thrown by Peterborough fans.

"I love the big man, absolutely brilliant. Some of the films were a bit dodgy. That one where he was diving off a cliff, he climbed back up to the top, his hair was immaculate and he wasn't even wet... and for me that's why he's the King.
All shook up over Elvis.

"It's still in my body and I'll have to pass it at sometime but my passing's absolutely diabolical. That's what I told the doctor: "What chance have I got of passing anything - did you see me play?!"
Holloway speaks about his kidney stone.

"If we're talking lookalikes he's Toad of Toad Hall, isn't he?"
On new Chelsea boss Avram Grant.

"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."
His take on punk, after the Sex Pistols announced a UK tour.

"If that was a penalty, I might as well call myself Alec McJockstrap, and put on a kilt."
Holloway, now with Leicester City, on a dodgy penalty decision.

[kjelvi]

No cartwheels, no nicknames, no second-rate books

Footballers should adopt my 10 New Year resolutions including no players under age of 38 permitted to write autobiographies

Rod Liddle
EL-HADJI DIOUF hasn’t spat at anyone for absolutely ages, has he? It’s a great shame and has seriously diminished my enjoyment of televised Premier League matches this season. There was a time when Diouf seemed incapable of lasting 90 minutes without arcing a pale green, glutinous stream of Senegalese phlegm into the face of some despised opponent, or a bunch of fans. But not any more.

Maybe Bolton have had his saliva glands surgically removed, just as someone clearly once surgically removed Joey Barton’s brain and replaced it with an Iceland deep frozen “King Prawn Ring with Marie Rose Sauce” (£3 while stocks last). More likely, though, is that Diouf sat himself down on New Year’s Eve 2006 and made a resolution: no more flobbing, for a bit.

You admire his resolve, and it’s an example which might be followed by quite a few of our gilded, overpaid moppets. Here are the New Year resolutions I’d like them to adopt, and adhere to, on pain of having their baby Bentleys impounded:

1. Goal celebrations. Henceforth players who score a goal will, at the very most, raise an arm in the air and smile self-deprecatingly before receiving a manly handshake from their captain. No cartwheels, no careering in maddened joy towards the corner flag, no oral sex with the rest of the team in the centre circle, no going “Sssshhhhh” to the crowd as if the achievement of scoring a goal has altered our collective perception of you as being an utter and complete tosser (take note, Lee Hughes). And if Nicolas Anelka is fortunate enough to score again this season, he will not do that massively irritating and rather effete bird-type thing with his hands. One of those Bents - Marcus, I think it is, the one who sometimes plays for Wigan â€" does a similar thing on the crushingly rare occasions that he scores a goal. He seems a comparatively likeable chap, Marcus Bent, certainly not in the same league of self-delusion and perpetual petulance as Anelka. So give it a rest, mate. You’ve scored a goal against Fulham or Middlesbrough? Hell, we could all do that. It’s no big deal. Spurs’ Robbie Keane, mercifully, seems to have stopped doing that crouch-down-firing-an-arrow business and has become a much better player as a consequence. Clearly Robbie had never actually fired an arrow in his life. If his mime were made real the bowstring would have snapped back into his face and the arrow ended up in his foot.

2. In postmatch press conferences, football managers will refer to their underachieving players with stiff formality bordering on disdain. They will use the Brian Clough-approved formula of “Edward Sheringham”; no more “Stevie” Gerrard, or “Lamps”. Indulge the cretins and they will let you down. Take note, Signor Capello.

3. Newcastle United supporters will at long last accustom themselves to the patently obvious fact that their team will never win anything, ever, regardless of who they employ as manager or centre-forward. You are overachieving right now, you Geordies. You should be nestling one place below Wigan, by rights. Forget the 1950s.

4. Meanwhile, the majority of Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal “supporters” will resolve to no longer mortgage their houses for the privilege of watching their team three times a season, or gaping at them on the TV every week, but instead support their local clubs (i.e. Stoke City, Torquay United and Kilmarnock).

5. Players who choose to “roast” a young lady in a hotel following the inevitable euphoria of a narrow victory over Derby County will take the requisite steps to ascertain the young lady’s explicit acquiescence in proceedings. Beforehand.

6. No players under the age of 38 will be permitted to write an autobiography, especially not if it is ghosted by some third-rate, semi-literate hack from the Daily Mail. Nor will they be permitted to make “hilarious” TV programmes about pranks played upon their colleagues.

7. When showing the fifth round of the FA Cup on Match of the Day, the BBC producers will understand that the least interesting fixture is Manchester United versus Chelsea, or Aston Villa versus Liverpool, or Arsenal versus Manchester City, because we’ve already seen these bloody games nine times already this season. The interesting fixtures are between the teams we don’t usually see on Match of the Day â€" the likes of Chasetown, Horsham, Blackpool and Middlesbrough.

8. The Football League will resolve that any club which has failed to pay its police bill, or otherwise defrauded local people, will be relegated without appeal. Two divisions in the case of Leeds United.

9. Managers who complain long and loud that they will be missing players who have gone off to take part in the African Cup of Nations or the InterToto Cup for PostSoviet Nuclear Wastelands will be slapped around the face and reminded that they were not compelled to buy those players in the first place. And that, whatever they might think, a player’s country comes first, even if it’s Dagestan. Or indeed England.

10. Players who whine about abuse from opposing supporters will have deducted from their pay packets the amount of money contributed by paying fans. Yes, I’m talking about you, Sol Campbell. They said beastly things about you? Aww. Dry your eyes on a fifty pound note, then.

That will do, for starters. And for those of you expecting great things from your team in the next 12 months â€" God help you and keep that delusion alive.

Times

Rod Liddle is the most controversial commentator on sport in the British media. Previously the editor of BBC Radio 4’s Today programme and now a columnist with The Spectator, he brings an often outrageous and always provocative fan's view to The Sunday Times every week

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week 


Nice shirt, Mikey

"I saw Mike's shirt. He asked me to sign it but I refused!"
Returning Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan after seeing Magpies owner Mike Ashley wearing a top with 'King Kev' on the back.

"The match for them is a bit like people down south going to the theatre. They want to be entertained."
Keegan on the Geordie passion for football, before putting on Much Ado About Nothing at St James' Park on Saturday.

"People think I've been out of the game for 100 years."
'The Messiah' in his first press conference since leaving Man City in 1905.

"I think sometimes you guys write the truth but sometimes your editors chop out some important bits - the facts."
Keegan knows how to keep the assembled hacks sweet.

"That's what it said in the papers - let's hope the papers are right!"
When asked if it was true he had £30m to spend in the transfer window.

"I just thought, sod it, let's attack them."
Reading boss Steve Coppell goes for broke against Man Utd.

"Someone has had it away and when I find out who it is, it's going to be bloody. Legs will be broken."
Royals skipper Graeme Murty takes the news that someone has half-inched the shirt he swapped with Ronaldo really well.

"Maybe one of the apprentices has had it. Maybe Murts should check ebay in a day or two!"
Reading striker Kevin 'Columbo' Doyle has his suspicions.

"If the morals of an alley cat exist in the boardroom then you can't expect players to be leaders and virtuous on and off the pitch."
Luton boss Kevin Blackwell has a pop at Liverpool's owners over their treatment of Rafa Benitez ahead of his side's FA Cup third round replay at Anfield.


David Beckham, eat your heart out 

"I'm much better for having lived in a garage."
New Bolton signing Gretar Steinsson hopes to park himself in the first team after his spell in a lock-up in Switzerland.

"He would go out there on crutches and play if we asked him."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson gives Jimmy Bullard a leg-up after his return from injury.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I have a feeling everyone is putting two and two together and making four."
Chris Coleman's agent Alan Smith on Radio 5 Live on the chances of him becoming number two to Keegan at Newcastle. Nice to see he can add up! (Karen Mason, England).

"When Kevin Keegan arrived at Newcastle you could literally see the shackles being shook off the players."
Fan on 5 Live debate at Shearer's Bar. (Julian, England).

"One, I don't know if he wants a two, and two I'm not sure I want to be one."
Alan Shearer discussing any role he may have with Kevin Keegan at Newcastle. (Colm Dunne, Ireland).

"I would love it, love it if we beat them on Saturday."
Sheffield Wednesday boss Brian Laws goes all Kevin Keegan before the Sheffield derby. (Tom Smith, England).


Never see 'em in the same room

"Does anyone else think that David Moyes looks like Moe from The Simpsons?"
Harvey, on 606, may have a point. (Phil, England).

"Least but not last, I would like to thank the Dubai Government."
Haille Gebrselassie after winning the Dubai Marathon. (Jon Maskell, Dubai).

"I'm looking forward to going to Qatar again, it's my first time there."
Luke Donald in Abu Dhabi. (Gary O, Hertfordshire).

"We're not relegated yet and there'll be no throwing in of the white flag."
Scunthorpe manager Nigel Adkins after defeat by Wolves. It's got to be one cliche or the other, Nigel, you can't make up your own! (Tom Sperrink, England).

"It's Pablo that gets caught with his knickers down and Robinho dances around him...pulls it back for Raul. Raul says 'Thank you very much, Brazilian boy!' It's off to the races! Like a thoroughbred. Robinho's vision, Robinho's class, Raul's deadly dagger!"
Ray Hudson, GolTV Commentator during Atletico Madrid-Real Madrid. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).


I've never told a lie in me life - uh-oh

"Are you telling the truth? Because your nose will get longer if you are not."
Jeff Stelling to pundit Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday. (Jack D, London).

"The Mel Gibson film 'What Women Want' was scheduled to be shown at this time, I'm sure this is not what it is."
Guy Mowbray during a rather uneventful first half of the FA Cup third round replay between Man City and West Ham. (David Macleod, Scotland).

"Obviously no-one's shown him how to use the kitchen. If you want to have pasta, why don't you make it, son?!"
BBC Radio 5 Live's Alan Green on Man City striker Rolando Bianchi's dislike of English food. (Rich Gledhill, UK).

"This is volley porn!"
Adrian Chiles when comparing spectacular volleyed goals on MOTD2. (Richard Lynch, Chester).

"Oba Martins v Spurs 14/1/07... Nigerian ace collects 25 yards from goal before smashing an unstoppable 30-yard shot beyond Paul Robinson."
nufc.co.uk votes for goal of the year. (Samuel Ronbom, UK).

"Havant and Waterlooville were literally fighting for their lives out there."
A little extreme from Lee Dixon. It was only Swansea. (Sanu, UK).

"He just walks into a room and a player grows by 20 per cent."
Steven Harper on Kevin Keegan. It's a good job he isn't England manager anymore, Peter Crouch would be through the ceiling! (Mark Gower, England).


Do you believe in cod?

"GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! The Cod has scored!"
Heard on Catalunya Radio during Barcelona v Murcia when Eidur Gudjohnsen scored. (Hannah Margrett, Spain).

"It was wrong that they spoke to him behind his back. They should have done it behind closed doors."
Liverpool fans speaking about the treatment of Rafa Benitez. (Malc Williams, UK).

"A really great performance from a team who have not only played intelligently, but also cleverly."
Comment on Talksport after Bury's shock defeat of Norwich. (Tom, England).

"This is a three-lap race, two short laps and two long ones!"
Brendan Foster commentating on the cross country in Edinburgh. (Dave Clark-Wilson, Isle of Man).

"It just shows that shocks can happen when you least expect them."
Willo Flood ahead of Dundee United's cup tie with Clyde. (Brendan Croft, Scotland).

"Alos coming in for Spurs - no, sorry, also coming in."
Ian Payne during build up to Reading-Spurs. (Ben, England).


Once a red, always a red

"He's like a magnet...he smells danger."
Mike Newell on Jamie Carragher's defensive abilities. (Jack, Oxford).

"That was as electrifying as a hair-dryer getting thrown into a bath full of water!"
US commentator describes Fernando Torres' screamer against Middlesbrough. (Ashley Thornton-Jones, England).

"It hurts a lot and it's hard to describe how much I am hurting at the moment."
Glenn Roeder on Norwich's defeat by Bury. (Chris Gandhi, UK).

"He's an unhappy Campo."
Mark Lawrenson on Ivan Campo's early exit. Genius. (Jon T, England).

"I think he scored more tonight than I've scored in 500 games."
Jamie Carragher on Steven Gerrard's hat-trick against Luton.

"To sack him at this stage doesn't make any sense to me, but, to be honest, most things don't make any sense to me."
Paul Merson tries to make sense of Sam Allardyce's departure. (Both from Painy).

Barbara Schett: "You wouldn't believe it would be possible to win three tournaments just seven months after giving birth."
Mats Wilander: "It certainly would be impossible on the men's tour!"
On Lindsay Davenport's return. (Howard, Netherlands).


Three quid for this shirt - bargain

"What shirt am I wearing, bruv? Are you being serious?!"
Leeds' Jermaine Beckford when asked about his future on Sky Sports. (Peter, UK).

"Stay in school, kids, or you might end up being an umpire."
Andy Roddick expressing his approval of the umpire during his third round Australian Open match against Phillipp Kohlschreiber. (Jon, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You Fill Up My Senses
Like A Home Game With Wigan
Like A Goal From Paul Scharner
Like a Goal From Teves
Like a peno from Unsworth
Like a bye bye to Warnock
Like Sheffield United
You ****** up again!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans teasing United in the steel city derby. (Molly Fenwick, England).

"Bryan, top marks for not trying - with your rubbish formations and awful choices, you should get the boot soon."
Wednesday fans to Bryan Robson, to the tune of Arctic Monkeys' Brianstorm.(James, England).

"You can stick your Yorkshire pudding up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to Doncaster. (Sam, Carlisle).

"What's that coming out of the air - it's Martin Laursen, it's Martin Laursen."
Villa fans to their goalscoring defender. (Darren, England).

"You're getting sacked in the morning"
Luton fans to Rafa Benitez.

"You're going bust in the morning!"
Liverpool fans reply. (Sam Jackson, England).

"There's only one Jurgen Klinsmann!"
Luton fans after Liverpool sang Benitez's name. (Elliot Georges, England).

"Mixu Paatelainen, what a ******* signing!"
Hibernian fans to their new manager. (Alun Davies, Wales).

"Nice one Harry, nice one son, nice one Harry, for turning down the scum!"
Sunderland fans to Harry Redknapp. (Iain Turner, England).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Would the owner of vehicle number XXXXXX, please go to reception, as they have your keys and the windows are wide open. Oh and I got this message five minutes ago."
At Home Park, Plymouth. (Matthew Monaghan, England).

"Mr X, your wife has just gone into labour. You don't have to leave if you don't want to."At Cardiff v Sheffield Wednesday. Jack Reynolds, Wales

"I haven't got a clue who scored that, but at least we're winning."
Bramall Lane announcer after Sheffield United took the lead against QPR. (Alan Ellis, England).


Whadda ya mean, not that Exotic Dancer? See Headline of the Week

"Goal for David Brid!"
Announcer at Whaddon Road when Cheltenham's David Bird scored against Bournemouth. (Sam King, England).

"And the score is West Ham 1, Fulham 1. Fulham's scorer was Simon Davies - at least someone from Tottenham has scored today!"
Chelsea announcer at half-time against Spurs. (Hanif Price, England).


HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
"Geraghty rides Exotic Dancer."
On the RTE racing index regarding Barry Geraghty's er, mount, at Cheltenham on Saturday. (Mark Tracey, Ireland).


BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week 


You think this is angry? Wait 'til I've had a trim

"I think the haircut helps. Having my hair cut used to help me. I used to feel leaner and sharper. Meaner. So I might shave mine next month."
Sunderland boss Roy Keane after newly-shorn keeper Craig Gordon pulled off a series of fine shaves against Wigan.

"I'm not saying whether I'm wearing them, but I hope I don't get knocked down by a bus on the way home!"
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson dedicates the victory over Sheffield Wednesday to the pair of lucky pants his mum bought him.

"The bottom line is Steven Gerrard doesn't need to be England captain, but you get an extra 10% from JT if he's in charge. I'm not saying John is less of a player when he's not captain..."
Former England boss Steve McClaren gets himself in a tizzy after backing 'JT' for the national team captaincy.

"I'm sure he'll have a headache because I hit him with shots where his face was changing shape but he was still standing there."
Amir Khan on rearranging the face of Gary St Clair.

"I am not a Messiah."
Fabio Capello realises he can't compete with Kevin Keegan.

"A lot of people have aches and pains - I had one or two before I got there!"
Munich air crash survivor Harry Gregg produces a lighter moment at the service to mark the 50th anniversary of the disaster.


I'm OK for now, thanks, Mr Whelan

"The only feedback I've had off the chairman is him asking me 'Do you want a pie?'"
Steve Bruce insists the chips aren't down at Wigan.

"He didn't play in any of the six away games in the last qualifying group. We have asked him if he could manage a few this time around, we would appreciate it! Now we have got three away friendlies on the run, and the bookies in Cardiff have offered me 11-1 that he won't be in any of them."
Wales manager John Toshack wants Jason Koumas to start playing away.

"It seems as if the Premier League is more interested in going on holiday at the moment and sunning themselves in Los Angeles or Japan."
Brentford manager Andy Scott will take action on goal-line technology over a worldwide Premier League any day of the week.

"This is the night 'The Executioner' gets executed."
Joe Calzaghe promises to inflict some capital punishment on Bernard Hopkins.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"As I sit here with a couple of world class hookers..."
Gaby Logan after the France-Ireland rugby match. (She was referring to co-commentators Wood and Ibanez.) (Aaron, England).

"It was good just to see them train, get a feel of them."
New Scotland boss George Burley gets to know his squad a bit better. (Jolyon Edwards, UK).

''It certainly sounds like he's in Buenos Aires.''
5 Live commentator after speaking to a Davis Cup reporter. (Marcus Jackson, England).


Are you Royston in disguise?

"He swivels his hips like Marilyn Monroe!"
GolTV's Ray Hudson on Royston Drenthe, during Real Madrid's 7-0 walloping of Valladolid. (Senora Kati, USA).

"A spirited performance where we ran out winners by one goat to nil."
From Dagenham website after performance against Wycombe. Goat?! (Jamey Barron, Liverpool).

"You always lose when your opponents score and you don't."
Words of wisdom from France coach Raymond Domenech after losing 1-0 to Spain. (Julian, England).

"Ghana are finding it difficult to impregnate the Cameroon defence."
Eurosport commentator during the Ghana-Cameroon Africa Cup of Nations semi-final. I think he meant 'penetrate'! (Edd, England).

"The middle stump is having a sideways look on life."
David Lloyd's response after a Kiwi batsman was bowled in the second Twenty20 v England. (Simon Kendall, Cornwall).

"I can't have a burger without putting on half a stone."
John Hartson commenting on his struggle to keep fit. (Lisa B, UK). He retired shortly afterwards. Ed.

"Sunderland have started like a house on fire!"
Chris Kamara, Soccer Saturday. (Miller, England).

"If it's going to go wrong I want it to go wrong the way I want it to."
Falkirk manager John Hughes gets it all wrong. (Brendan, Glasgow).


Yellow coats? Brilliant!

"I don't know if he had a childhood trauma involving a man in a flourescent yellow coat."
Eurosport's Gary Imlach suggests reasons for Cameroon defender André Bikey's insane sending off after pushing a medical worker at the Africa Cup of Nations. (Phil, England).

"Matt Taylor is off - and what a chance he had. Two chances - three in fact, actually, if you count the third."
Gary Weaver commentating on the Bolton-Portsmouth game as Matt Taylor goes off. (Paul Collier, USA).

"Boumas scored Villa's first in the 48th minute then, just three months later, Carew scored his first of the game."
Channel 7 reporter on the marathon Aston Villa-Newcastle game. (Ruairidh Calderwood, Australia).

"Mark McGhee had the right word for the conditions - 'not adept'."
Setanta Sports' Craig Burley after the Motherwell-Celtic game was called off.(Brian Duncan, Scotland).

"Steven Reid's knee has blown up, so we've sent him back to Blackburn."
Ray Houghton on Talksport - must have been an explosive tackle. (Cocknio DiCanio, England).

"We didn't treat them like some Greek myth. There was no Godzilla out there.''
David Tyree of the New York Giants after beating New England Patriots in the Superbowl. So Godzilla is part of Greek mythology, then? (Carsten Adamsen, Denmark).

"Dwight Yorke has come off - and the only man who could replace him...was the son of a Prica man."
Sky Sports' Jeff Stelling on Sunderland substitute Rade Prica. (John, Scotland).

"Lewis Moody leaps in the air like the salmon that he is."
Matt Dawson commentating on England v Wales in the Six Nations. (Phil Langley, UK).


Mystic Meg - top fella 

"I'm not that bloke Mystic Meg."
Rio Ferdinand gets the sex of his astrologers muddled up while being asked what impact Fabio Capello will have on the England team, according to the Daily Mail. (Lee, England).

"Derby are toothless in attack, there's no way they'll score."
Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday watching Birmingham v Derby. Derby equalised just as he finished his sentence. (Jonathan Wood, England).

"I've got more points on my licence - I'm not joking!"
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side's meagre points total. (Chris, England).

"Believe you me, if that ball had gone in the net, it would have been a goal."
Willie Miller (Aberdeen Director of Football) commentating on the Dundee United-Hibs game for Radio Scotland. (Kevin McCann, Edinburgh).


THE MOTTY AND LAWRO SHOW
Lawro: "Who votes for these things?"
Motty: "I think it's done, as they say, online."
Lawro: "Geeks!"
BBC commentary team discussing Steven Gerrard being voted fans' player of the year. (Anthony Burdett, England).

"And Wayne Brown brings the ball down."
Motty gets mixed up during the England-Switzerland match. Wayne Brown? (Charles McAndrew, England).


It wasn't Beckham's night

"You could say it would have been David Beckham's night, had he been here."
Motty on Becks.(Jan, England).

"Senderos is multi-lingual, which means he can say 'ouch' in five different languages."
Lawro after Phillippe Senderos took a knock during the game. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"Crouch on the right and Wright-Phillips on the left coming on now for England."
Thanks, Motty - they're two players I often get confused!(Ian Dunnett, England).

"Now it's time to find out if Capello likes playing with a big centre forward."
Motty again. (Richard Beckett, England).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Jim Bullard, Bullard,
He's better than Steve Gerrard,
He's thinner than Frank Lampard,
Jim Bullard, Bullard."
Fulham fans salute Jimmy Bullard. (Chaz Whelton, England).

"Shanghai on Tuesday Nights!"
Bristol City fans give their thoughts on being promoted to the Premier League during the defeat of Sheffield Wednesday. (Gary Turner, Bristol).

"Who's the w***** with the drum?"
Sheffield United fans against Colchester.
"Sam's the w***** with the drum!"
Colchester fans reply. (Greg, England).

"We are impeccable!"
Man City fans at Old Trafford after the stadium announcer thanked them for their impeccable behaviour during the minute's silence. (Kevin, Scotland).

"Time for your sandwiches!"
City fans to their United counterparts 10 minutes before half-time as some started to leave their seats. (Paul Edwards, England).


Decisions decisions... 

"I'd rather be a sausage than an egg!"
Sung by Birmingham fans at recent away games. (Jordan Robinson, England). What?! Ed.

"Our ginge is better than your ginge!"
Bolton supporters against Portsmouth, referring to Gary Megson and Harry Redknapp. (Jack Hobson, England).

"Don't blame it on Staunton, don't blame it on Givens, don't blame it on Keano, blame it on Delaney."
Irish chant to chief executive John Delaney during the Brazil game, regarding the chaos surrounding the vacant manager's post. (Pádraig Ã" Muireagáin, Ireland).

"Just one Capello, give him to me, delicious manager, from Italy!"
England fans v Switzerland. (Leon, UK).

"You should stick to rugby league!"
Plymouth Argyle fans to Hull. (Chris, Cornwall).

"Return of the Mac!"
Leeds fans welcome home Gary McCallister.
"Dennis Wise, he's a k***, he left the Leeds for an admin job!"
And bid farewell to Dennis Wise.(Peter Smithson, UK).

"He's bald, he's old, he never plays in goal - Jens Lehmann, Jens Lehmann."
Man City fans to Lehmann.(Ste Wadsworth, England).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Please stand for the national anthem of the Republic of Northern Ireland."
The MC at St Mary's before the start of the England U21 international with the Republic of Ireland. (Steve Hickman, England).

"Please ignore the scoreboard, it is a bit out."
Heard at the Wales-Scotland match.(Gareth Hubback, Wales).


BANNERS OF THE WEEK
"Commit all your crimes when Sachin is batting. They will go unnoticed because even the Lord is watching."
Tribute to Sachin Tendulkar at the SCG. (Siddharth, India).

"Shaun Pollock: Giving ginger kids cred since 1995."
At 5th ODI between West Indies and South Africa. (Max Forrester, USA).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week 

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435136_fergieclap270.jpg
Nice one, Sir Trev

"I know what it's going to be in the next round - us against Chelsea. I'm going down to Soho Square to check those balls."
Sir Alex Ferguson on his fears the FA would make a balls-up of the Cup draw. He needn't have worried.

"The 2008 Vodacom Challenge will mark Manchester United's third visit to South Africa and will create a platform for many a rising star to elevate their level of play in order to strive to become a regular member of the Manchester United starting line-up for the new English Premiership season."
Sir Alex Ferguson, according to the Press Association. Are you sure he said that?

"Can you imagine going to Fergie and telling him, 'By the way, you're not playing at home this week, you are playing in Japan'? I'd like to see it!"
Wigan manager Steve Bruce on the Premier League's plans to take games around the world.

"It would be like the Harlem Globetrotters."
Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp thinks they're all basket cases.

"Is it April 1st?"
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate can't believe he's not in on the 'joke'.

"I was chasing after him...I wouldn't normally have been anywhere near that part of the pitch, so I guess I owe him a thank you."
Barnsley hero Brian Howard dedicates his last-gasp winner against Liverpol to referee Martin Atkinson, who denied him a stonewall penalty seconds earlier.


Special delivery coming up

"We went for a walk before the game and a bird dumped right on my head. They say that can be a lucky omen - and it was!"
Barnsley manager Simon Davey after seeing his side dump Liverpool out of the Cup.

"Everyone seems to think we will be the victims of an FA Cup upset - but then again I've been second favourite for the sack all season!"
Gareth Southgate, still in the hat, still in a job.

"I don't do heights."
Sir Ian Botham throws a wobbly after refusing to commentate on England's second one-dayer against New Zealand from a precarious 100ft high television studio.

"It's probably not going to be the most fun conversation to have with your brother."
Sibling rivalry is alive and well in the Murray household as Andy plans to confront Jamie for criticising his decision to pull out of the Davis Cup.

"I'd done enough fighting in pubs so it was the natural thing for me to do."
Clinton Woods on his progression from World's End to world champion.

"When we arrived, we realised straight away that the team was carrying excess baggage."
Spurs fitness coach Marcos Alvarez on the spare tyres that greeted him upon his arrival.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"Liverpool are likely to start with Kraut and Couch up front this afternoon."
Jamie Redknapp describing Liverpool's new look-strike force on Goals on Sunday. (Ricky Mingle, England).

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44435000/jpg/_44435179_lemming203.jpg
Gary Peters - a leader amongst lemmings 

"It's not going to happen; all the lemmings who want to jump off the cliff and rip everything up won't get their wish. At times I feel like the only sensible lemming on the cliff, saying 'this is stupid why are we doing this, why are we going to dive off the cliff?'. Usually they all say 'well, this is what we normally do' and then push him off as well, but no one is pushing this lemming off the cliff - he's going to stand on the cliff and stop you."
Shrewsbury Manager Gary Peters on being asked if it is time to jump ship in his weekly 'Ask Gary' column. Is he Holloway in disguise? (Matt Edgar, Derby).

"I don't predict in football, all I predict is next week against Barnsley you will see a vastly different Norwich City team."
Canaries boss Glenn Roeder clearly doesn't do predictions. (Steve Owen, Ireland).

"At this level of football, it's goals that win prizes."
Crusaders boss Stephen Baxter speaking after his team's 1-0 defeat to Lisburn Distillery. Is there another level of football where something other than goals win you prizes?! (Dave, Belfast).

"That's what the goals are there for, to keep the ball out."
Lee Dixon on Match of the Day commenting on a save by Barnsley's Luke Steele, who used the goal frame to help during a save. (Gareth Lyons, South Wales).

"There is no way Watford will get back into this match."
Paul Merson reporting with Watford 2-0 down to Charlton. Five minutes later they were level. (Tom James, Essex).

"Van Der Sar is one of the best two-footed goalkeepers in the league."
Chris Waddle (as opposed to the three-footed ones?) (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

"This MCG wicket has more bounce than a Baywatch beach sprint."
Damien Fleming on ABC Radio. (Joe Eizenberg, Bristol).


And going off for Watford...

"And Watford are down to 10-men after Jonjo O'Neill received a straight red."
On 5 Live's Score Interactive commentary of Watford-Leicester. I think he meant John-Joe O'Toole, not the horse trainer! (Keith Shepherd, England).

"So where do England go now? Do they lick their wounds or what?"
"Who cares, eh?!"
Two New Zealand commentators after England lose the 2nd ODI by 10 wickets. (George, New Zealand).

"Arsenal are some 19 points clear now of Liverpool, but Liverpool do have a game in hand."
Setanta Sports analysis. (Jashandeep Singh, England).

"You could literally throw a handkerchief over the 22 outfield players."
John Gregory watching a game between matchstick men, presumably. (Alastair Logan, Scotland).

"A number of our goals this season have come from us counter-attacking and, to be honest, the opening goal came against the run of play."
Huddersfield Manager Andy Ritchie after his side scored against Swindon... after 43 seconds. (Luke Tial, England).

"The referee was in a great position and didn't give anything. Then the bloke waving aeroplanes in on the far side decided he should go for some reason."
Aidy Boothroyd on the decision to send off Watford's John Joe O'Toole in the game against Leicester. (Martin, UK). Not Jonjo O'Neill. Ed.

"That's it with Owen - you shoot holes in him and he comes back for more."
According to Kevin Keegan, Michael Owen is a colander! (Tony Schofield, England).

"Rooney will do anything for you in any position."
Wayne Rooney's keen to please, according to Mark Lawrenson. (Adam Jones, Scotland).


Hey Tony, you're on! 

"The only way Italy will get to 20-14 is if they put Tony Soprano at out-half."
The one and only George Hook for Irish TV at half time in the Italy-England rugby game. (Eoinie, Ireland).

"At the moment this isn't a group of men, it is a team of little girls."
Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini after their 3-1 defeat to Torino. (Bill M, Australia).

"Gareth Jellyman of Mansfield Town has been sent off, hope he doesn't throw a wobbly!"
Classic Jeff Stelling. (Tahir Usman, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You can stick your ******* roses up your ****!" and "I love Tottenham more than you!"
Spurs fans to their loved ones back home while watching Tottenham on Valentine's Day in Prague. (Ollie, London).

"We all know Posh Spice, she likes a bit of rough. When she's in bed with Beckham, she dreams of Michael Brough!"
Forest Green Rovers chant to their skipper. (Paul, England).

"Oh when the beans,
Come out the tin,
Oh when the beans come out the tin,
You put the bread in the toaster,
Oh when the beans come out the tin."
Birmingham fans at West Ham. (Iain Smith, England).


Ah the good old days

"Tiswas! Swap Shop!"
Bristol Rovers fans at Doncaster. No I didn't get it either. (Gasman, GB).

"What's it like to have no Cox?"
Swindon fans to Northampton after the Robins beat the Cobblers to the signing of Simon Cox. (Nathan, Wiltshire).

"Your mum is Mrs Mangel, your dad is Harold Bishop, la, la, la, la!"
Indian fans to Brett Lee. (Gansham Maraj, UK).

"You should have bought Burnley!"
Burnley fans to QPR's rich owners after they squandered a 2-0 lead to lose 4-2. (Jack Launer). UK

"Shittu and you know you are!"
Charlton fans' reaction after ex-Addick Danny Shittu puts the ball into his own net at Watford. (Con Medez, England).

"S*** ground, no fans!"
Barnsley fans at Anfield in the FA Cup. (Danny Walker, UK).

"If you hate Bryan Robson, throw your shoes."
Sheffield United fans before Robbo was relieved of the manager's role. (Alan Hopkins, England).

"England's, England's 501."
Sang at Premier League Darts in Manchester about Wayne "Hawaii 501" Mardle. (Tom Lett, England).


Also available in red and white

Brentford fans: "Two-nil to the proper Bees."
Barnet fans: "Red and white bees, you're having a laugh!"
During the battle of the Bees at Underhill. (Rik Scales).

''Now Richard Huuughes, Krank - Yar, Sol Campbell and superman Jam-o!''
Pompey fans, to the 'Soulja Boy' tune. Genius! (Rob, Portsmouth).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Would the owner of a silver car, registration XXXXXXX - please move it immediately. If they can find it."
At Wednesday night's fog-bound match between Stevenage Borough and Forest Green Rovers. (Paul, Stevenage).

"No ball games are permitted in the ground tonight."
At Horsham's home Rymans Premier League match against AFC Wimbledon. I think Horsham took that advice. (Alan Belmore, England).

"Unfortunately you go home empty-handed. You didn't hit the crossbar but you did knock out a Leyton Orient player, and that really should be worth a good few bonus points."
Walsall announcer to a half-time crossbar challenge contestant who hit a Leyton Orient sub on the head. (Miles Oliver, England).


BANNER OF THE WEEK
"DEEP END"
Motherwell banner on Saturday against Kilmarnock after their last three games had been postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. (Scott, Scotland).

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week  



Look at me - I'm a tree 

"When Rio Ferdinand went in goal, I wasn't too worried. I saw him play in goal when he was a kid and I knew he wasn't very good."
Harry Redknapp knew it was Portsmouth's day in the FA Cup when Man Utd defender Rio went between the sticks.

"Today we didn't capitulate - I think that's the posh word for it."
Flash 'Arry brings out the big guns.

"When I heard the draw I was out on the golf course. I had an eight-iron in one hand and my mobile in the other. When we came out with United, my club went further than the ball."
Redknapp was a little less enthusiastic before the game.

"I've got to agree with Arsene Wenger."
The most extraordinary admission made by Sir Alex Ferguson during his lengthy post-match rant after the Portsmouth defeat.

"It was a strange moment. A month ago I was playing for West Brom reserves against Nottingham Forest at Kettering in front of a couple of people - actually it was just my dad and the pie-seller."
Barnsley's on-loan keeper Luke Steele gets set to play in front of his dad, the pie-seller and 80,000 others in the FA Cup semi-final.

"It was a good job I took my blood pressure tablets!"
Barnsley's defeat of Chelsea sets the pulse racing for Tykes fan and former Test umpire Dickie Bird.

"I always try to say a prayer in the morning before I go to sleep and before I go out on the pitch. Obviously it worked wonders!"
Barnsley goalscorer Kayode Odejayi is glad he had a chat with the man upstairs.

"We won't be scared about the high winds on the flight home as the plane will be rocking anyway."
Cardiff boss Dave Jones is on cloud nine after their FA Cup quarter-final win at Middlesbrough.


You can't keep him down for long 

"If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them - that's my message."
The Special One returns to announce an interesting plan for Chelsea.

"The only excuse is they have a rugby team that also plays on the pitch - unless the groundsman is sick?"
Life's a pitch for Arsene Wenger following Arsenal's 0-0 draw at boggy Wigan.

"It was great actually, just like playing Aussie Rules!"
Streaker Robert Ogilvie on being flattened by Andrew Symonds.

"He's been hooked on bingo most of his life and it's a way for the lads to bond and unwind. Sven and the boys think it's good fun, especially when he has to say 'two fat ladies' or 'legs eleven'."
Manchester City source reveals Sven-Goran Eriksson's passion for bingo.

"Football is like fighting a gorilla - you don't stop when you're tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired."
Coventry boss Chris Coleman after QPR's defence makes a monkey of his strikers in their 0-0 draw.

"We were at a bus stop when I saw a car go past with the driver wearing a Derby tracksuit. It came back and Robbie said 'Jump in!'"
Derby fan Mark Stevenson and daughter Lauren get a lift from Robbie Savage on their way to Derby's tedious 0-0 draw with Sunderland. Bet they wished he'd taken them to the pictures instead.

"I haven't got many secrets so was happy to talk to Monty - although two hours was maybe a little long!"
New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori recalls the day Monty Panesar collared him for a chat about spin bowling.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"I feel for the fans today, paying good money and watching a load of crap."
A forthright Alan Pardew following Charlton's 2-1 home defeat by Preston. (Bill M, Australia).


And running the line today....

"As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut."
Gary Megson after the official's poor showing at Bolton v Sporting. (Mike Astley, Oldham).

"Well that's not attractive to watch...which leads us rather aptly to Phil Thompson."
Jeff Stelling on Sky Sports. (Janni, England).

"It's come off the underside of the errr... thing,"
Phil Thompson during the Porto-Schalke penalty shoot-out. Think it's called a crossbar, Phil.(Eddie Walder, UK).

"Bernd Schuster will have severe words with him, telling him 'There's plenty of shampoo in the locker room if you're scared to get your hair dirty'!"
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson on Baptista's miss during Real Madrid-Espanyol. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).

"He looks like a pacy winger without any pace."
BBC Radio Scotland commentator on Hibs winger O'Brien during the Rangers-Hibernian Scottish Cup game. (Michael R, Scotland).

"For Manchester United to get back into this game, it will be a tall order against a tall side who are well ordered."
Martin Tyler after Pompey took the lead against Man U. Andrew Williams, England. (Andrew Williams, England).

"There's a few villages missing their idiots."
Lawro on Match of the Day when some Barnsley fans ran on the pitch thinking the referee had blown the full-time whistle against Chelsea. (Sam Saidman, UK).

"There's still two more legs after this."
Everton manager David Moyes speaks of a mystery third leg in their Uefa Cup clash with Fiorentina. (John, England).

"Justice is a dish best served cold."
Garth Crooks on Score. Surely you mean revenge, Garth?(Tony Faccenda, Scotland).


And coming on for Celtic... 

"Celtic might as well have Tom Cruise in their team tonight, because it's Mission Impossible at the Nou camp tonight."
TalkSport's The Mousse ahead of Barcelona-Celtic. (Jubril Alao, London).

"The official has got his hand on Joe Jordan's backside, but that seems to just be for familiarity."
Alan Green on 5 Live commentary of the Manchester United v Portsmouth game. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"Before, the problem was tackling from behind, but now players are doing it from the front and from the side."
Sepp Blatter on his ambitious plans to turn football into the World Indoor Bowls Championship. (Matt Baldwin, England).

"If he were fixing pipes, he couldn't be more plumber."
Commentator at Stanford Twenty20 cricket after a successful LBW appeal. (Ben Wilson, England).

"Not many teams can bring on Ronaldo and Rooney when they are 2-0 up."
Setanta Sports commentary. Of course not! (Abbas Esmail, Portsmouth).

"We had a very tricky game at Maine Road."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce, forgetting Man City changed their stadium name years ago.

"If it dies any more, it'll be dead."
Geoffrey Boycott lends TMS listeners the benefit of his insight while describing the Hamilton pitch.(Mike, Durham).

"As always, I intend to do my talking with my legs."
Dwain Chambers before the IAAF World Indoor Championships. (Ghaffar, England).

"The biggest word in the world is 'if'. If I had hair, my head wouldn't be as cold as it is standing out there next to the pitch. It is freezing!"
Gillingham manager Mark Stimson after Gills' 4-2 loss to Brighton. (Leigh, England).

"There are countless examples of fans buying genuine tickets for a game and discovering they are not real."
Spokesman for the FA talking about ticket-touting. (Mark Harding, England).


Look out, it's old whatsisname

"There's nobody coming in from the left... except Ronaldinho."
Archie MacPherson understating the threat, while commentating on Barcelona v Celtic. (Robert Mercer, Scotland).

"They've got a teletepathic, teletepathic, pathetic, well it's not pathetic... oh just forget it."
Graham Taylor, commentating on the AC Milan-Arsenal Champions League tie for 5 Live. Alan Green was in hysterics!(Ollie, UK).

Reporter: "Other journalists have said Walsall were the best team they have seen here, would you agree?"
Walsall manager Richard Money: "I don't know - this is the only game I have seen here!"
After Swindon-Walsall.


CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"U.S.A!"
Bolton fans respond to Liverpool chants of "Going down!" Alex Dover, England

"Shearer, Shearer, what's the score?"
Cardiff fans after beating Middlesbrough 2-0 to reach the FA Cup semi-final. Alan Shearer had suggested the winners of the Boro-Sheffield United replay would stand a good chance of reaching the semis. (David, Maesteg, South Wales).

"You're just a small town in Belgium!"
Tottenham fans to the PSV Eindhoven supporters. (Mike, UK).


"I'm forever blowing bubbles...."

"You're just a fat Annie Lennox!"
Spurs fans to Dean Ashton during the West Ham game. (Chris E, London).

"We saw you score on the telly!"
Ipswich fans to Paddy Kenny in response to Kenny's fluff against Boro. (Glyn Page, Brentwood).

"There's only one Cheryl Tweedy!"
Barnsley fans before the FA Cup quarter-final with Chelsea at Oakwell. (Julio Ebens, Barnsley).

"Steve Dobbie, Dobbie,
We don't care if you're overweight,
'Cos we think you're ******* great,
Steve Dobbie, Dobbie."
Queen of the South fans celebrate Stephen Dobbie's opener against Dundee in the Scottish Cup quarter-final. (Andy Cowan, Scotland).

"We've got Tim Ambrose,
Sounds Like Ambrosia
They make good Custard, comes in a tin
They make good rice too,
Thats not important
Just as long as England win"
The Barmy Army's new Tim Ambrose song. (Oli Wells, England).

"We woke your neighbours up!"
MK Dons fans at Grimsby after having our drums confiscated by stewards because it was a night game. (Connor, Milton Keynes).

"You only sing at the Boat Race!"
Cambridge United fans to their Oxford counterparts.(Neal Cannell, Bedford).

"Can you tell us if we score?"
Orient fans to Brighton fans, as the away stand is so far away from the pitch! (Grant Reyland, England).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

Liverpool fans make a point

"Barry Hayles is bigger than this, he's got a door and a window, Barry Hayles is bigger than this."
Leicester fans smirk at how small Ninian Park is during their 1-0 win over Cardiff. (Alex, England).

"Andy Reid, He plays left wing, He loves McDonalds and Burger King!"
Sung by Sunderland fans at Derby (well, it was better than watching the game). (Pete Sixsmith, UK).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"And now the Olympiakos teamsheet...wish me luck!"
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic. (Chelsea Boy, England).


BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week 


"My mum was here too!"
David James when asked if he knew England boss Fabio Capello had been at Fratton Park to watch Portsmouth beat Villa.

"I asked the Holy Spirit where he was going to kick. He said 'left' and I said 'thank you'. I went to the left side and I saved the ball, so today I was very blessed."
Bristol City keeper Adriano Basso reveals the Hand of God saved a penalty against Watford.

"I have told Mike he can be the biggest, most physical, imposing scrum-half in world rugby. He thinks he already is - and he told me he is the best looking as well!"
Wales coach Warren Gatland on the shy and retiring Mike Phillips.

"There was plenty of spice last year, a bit of a lovers' tiff between Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso."
F1 driver and new BBC Sport columnist Mark Webber on last year's row between the McLaren team-mates.

"No-one can replace Jonny Wilkinson."
Danny Cipriani on replacing Jonny Wilkinson.

"It's the ******* one to eight who deserve the man of the match."
Ciprani swears the entire England pack deserve the match accolade...live on BBC TV.

"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd is clearly bananas.

"Whenever the players ask me about a bonus, I just tell them I don't understand, that I'm a Yorkshireman."
Barnsley chairman Gordon Shepherd plays up to the stereotype.

"Football is open for everybody, which is why they made a gay competition in South America. And look at women's football: homosexuality is more popular there."
Sepp Blatter tries to be all pc. Back to the drawing board, Sepp.

"I would have been doing a bit of 'porridge' myself!"
Roy Keane would have gone stir crazy if Blatter's call for some tackles to be made a criminal offence had been in place when he was a player.

"I am going to kick 10 colours of **** out of that litttle *******!"
David Coulthard accepts accidents happen after being shunted out of the Australian Grand Prix by Felipe Massa.

"I trained hard up until the game but it was the end of the season and afterwards I got kidnapped. It was a very enjoyable week - from what I can remember!"
Wales and Wasps coach Shaun Edwards recalls a lost week of celebration when he played for Ireland in rugby league at the end of his playing days.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"It think its fair to say we're an improving team and a team that's getting better."
Everton skipper Phil Neville after losing on penalties in the Uefa Cup. (Josh N, England).

"That's 200 goals and 20 for this season - and he's been doing that for 15 years."
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray on Kevin Phillips. Ummm....wouldn't that make 300 goals, Tony? (Dave Rudd, UK).

"...in front of 70,000 mancunians. Well, some of them are."
David Pleat, Man Utd v Lyon, confirming what we all already knew. (Sam, London).

"David Haye, who grew up in the shadow of the O2 Arena."
American commentator for the Haye-Maccarinelli fight. David's younger than I thought! (Archi Campbell, England).

"He is is not normal. He's not normal, he never has been. He lives in the magnetic spectrum. What a goal this is. Beyond world-class. Astonishing. Cooler than a bomb disposal expert. That is amazing piece of football finishing by King Ronaldinho."
GolTV's Ray Hudson. (Cmod, USA).

"When he sees it, I hope he holds his hand up."
Bolton's Kevin Nolan, commenting on Michael Brown's dubious goal-line clearance for Wigan - with his hand! (Jon Knott, England).

"I haven't seen so many grown men hugging and kissing since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the missus."
Tom Ross on Birmingham's BRMB radio, as Portsmouth did some team bonding at half-time in the game with Aston Villa. (Bernard Moses, England).

"A player can't choose which position he wants to play in. This is not a musical request show."
Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld after Martin Demichelis refused to play in midfield. (Rahul, India).

"I'd rather sit on a porcupine watching Dot Cotton lap dance while listening to a double album of S Club 7's Greatest Hits recorded on the bagpipes than sit through a match like Scotland-England ever again."
Robbo column on BBC. Classic. (BST, England).

"Mido drops to the bench....let's hope it's a reinforced one!"
Jeff Stelling commenting on the build-up to the Arsenal-Middlesbrough game. (James Wiffen, Chelmsford).

"A Bolton player took a knock in the face - not sure who - could be Anneka Rice for all I know, we are so far away!"
5 Live's Darren Fletcher is not happy with the distance from the press box to the pitch at Sporting Lisbon v Bolton Wanderers. (Andy S, England).

"Van Persie wouldn't get his head on that because he was worried about ruining his good looks, but fair play to him, he is a very pretty lad."
On Radio 5 Live, Wigan v Arsenal. (Bill Keegan, England).

"It's no longer a mountain to climb - it's more like Mount Everest."
ESPN commentator after Inter go 3-0 down on aggregate against Liverpool. (Iain Mercer, Oz).

"And don't forget, England have to win the series to level it."
Aggers on TMS. (Sean, UK).

"There's no middle ground with him - he's either up there or halfway..."
Mike Selvey on TMS talking about Mark Gillespie. (Sean, UK).

"It would be easy to say that made all the difference - obviously it didn't, but it did make a hell of a difference."
Paul Jewell after losing Alan Stubbs to injury in Derby's 6-1 defeat to Chelsea. (NP, UK).

"I think Hawkeye must have had a late night!"
Sir Ian Botham after Hawkeye showed a ball to be hitting leg stump. Botham had just claimed it was going 'way down'! (George Quin, England).

"Words can't express how satisfied, pleased, overwhelmed and exhausted I am now it's all over."
James Cracknell after his epic Sport Relief swim from Spain to Morroco.....I think those words pretty much cover it, James. (Stuart Nugent, Carlisle).

"I'm not looking for excuses but another 24 hours would have been nice to have prepared for the game.But that's about the only excuse if I'm looking for excuses, which I'm not, but it was a factor."
Brian Little making no excuses for Wrexham's 2-1 defeat to Wycombe. (Stuart Hughes, UK)

"If you've tuned into five for 'Showgirls', we've swapped strippers for strikers."
Introduction to extra-time on Five for PSV v Tottenham. (Tom Granger, UK).

"Steven Gerrard has had so many special nights with Rafa Benitez."
The Liverpool manager takes an alternative approach to firing up his players. Over-friendly, some might say. (Sean Mullan, United Kingdom).

"For some things there's Daniel Cousin, for everything else, there's Wiese." (Visa).
Commentator on the Werder Bremen keeper during the Rangers game. Should someone tell him it's actually Mastercard? (Jenni Boyle, England).

"Buy a church and pray!"
Geoff Boycott gives his advice to England ahead of the second Test with New Zealand. (Luke Johnson, UK).

"There was a chance, they cleared it and it was cleared."
Another Paul Merson classic, just making sure we know that it was cleared. (Ian, Essex).

"Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over."
Graham Taylor commentating on 5 Live during Pompey game. (James Saville, England).

"Rafa Benitez is taking pity on Newcastle - he's bringing on Dirk Kuyt."
Matt Le Tissier commentating on Liverpool v Newcastle. (Tim Neil, UK).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Where's your dummy gone?"
Man City fans to Robbie Keane after the Spurs striker threw his shirt down following his substitution. (Steve, UK).

"Can we play you every week?"
Liverpool fans during their 3-0 aggregate win over Inter Milan. (Mike Rizq, England).

"Sit Down Pinocchio!"
Villa fans to Gareth Southgate. (Ian Harwood, Birmingham).

"Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses whoah oh-oh.
He comes from Norbury.
He parted the Red Sea."
Crystal Palace fans to striker Victor Moses after his goal against West Brom. (Colin, Brighton).

"It's just like watching Brazil!"
Bottom of the table, five consecutive defeats and 0-1 down, Colchester fans try to remain positive against Cardiff. (Greg, England).

"We're gonna lose 4-3!"
Luton fans after going 3-0 up against Oldham. (Dave, England).

"Are you Chelsea in disguise?"
Barnsley fans while leading 4-1 against Ipswich. (Dave Ralphs, England).

"You should have gone to the races!"
Cheltenham fans to Leeds when 2-0 up. (Jacko, Cheltenham).

"Shall we build a stand for you?"
PNE fans to Blackpool, who only have two stands. (Rob, England).

"We can see you washing up!"
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient's Brisbane Road ground. (Paul, England).

"If you can't get into college, be a ref!"
University of Michigan students respond to poor officiating. (Matt, United States).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Before we kick off for the second half, I have a very important announcement to make: 'We're the famous Cardiff City and we're going to Wemberleeey. Wemberleeeey!!!Wemberleeeey!!!'"
Stadium announcer at the Cardiff City v Hull game. (Rich Liddiatt, Wales).

"Aberdeen One, what's left of Gretna nil."
Queen of the South announcer reading out the half-time scores in the SPL. Best part of a dire match! (Stephen, UK).

"The substitute for Stockport will be.... (final whistle)....not made."
Stockport announcer at Rochdale game. (Ewan).

BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week   

"I was going to cut my hair the other week and if I had done we'd have lost 1-0, so hooray for afros."
Portsmouth goalkeeper David James on his rapidly expanding barnet's superb point-blank save to deny Newcastle's Michael Owen.

"I was surprised to hear of meetings and surprised who the people in those meetings were. I am surprised at things I have read."
A surprised Rafa Benitez learns about Liverpool's trans-Atlantic boardroom antics involving Jurgen Klinsmann.

"Gareth's more the talker and listens to people when they're speaking - but if you need a kick up the backside you'll get it."
Middlesbrough winger Stewart Downing on Gareth Southgate's text-book approach to football management.

"Unfortunately, the pie of the Premiership, the big pie which has all of a sudden become a massive pie, has got lots of money inside it."
Former Liverpool and Wales striker Dean Saunders channels the spirit of Alan Partridge

"I hope it's true. I would not protest against it. But I don't know if Ronaldinho wants to play in the InterToto Cup next season."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson - with tongue firmly in cheek - responds to rumours that the club are preparing a move for Barcelona's Brazilian star.

"This has been the ultimate rollercoaster ride - and I hate rollercoasters."
South African Trevor Immelman will not be popping over to Disneyworld to celebrate his Masters victory.

"Heath Slocum could be a term for a temporary doctor in Wuthering Heights; Brandt Snedeker, a device for cooking sausages to a turn at German barbecues; and Brett Wetterich, a description of three days of consecutive drizzle in the Scottish Highlands."
Guardian columnist Martin Kelner gives his Call My Bluff-style alternatives for the trio of American golfers at Augusta.

"Look at me, I'm still pretty."
IBF light-heavyweight champion Antonio "Magic Man" Tarver delivers the coup de grace after his unanimous points decision win over Sheffield's Clinton Woods in Florida.

"I liked our grizzle in defence."
Hull KR coach Justin Morgan's verdict after his side's 20-18 victory over Bradford. No idea what he's on about either.


AND SOME FROM YOU
"To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny."
Jens Lehmann's take on Arsenal goalkeeping rival Manuel Almunia, meeee-aow. (Anees I, London)

"72:35: Shot by Robin van Persie (Arsenal) left-footed from left side of penalty area (18 yards), save (caught) by Jens Lehmann (Arsenal)."
From BBC Sport website's text commentary. Why is Van Persie shooting at his own keeper? (Royston, Oldham)

"I can't say we are the best in England but I don't think there is a team stronger than us."
Chelsea manager Avram Grant with another classic line. (Dom, UK)

Post-match interview with Edwin van der Sar on MUTV talking about the unseasonable weather:
"In the second half, the snow was proper white."
He was recently nominated United's most intelligent player... (Stacey, UK)

"They have their eyes on fifth place and have one eye on the Cup final."
From Kevin Keegan commenting on 'Arry's Portsmouth. We should buy KK a copy of Grey's Anatomy for Christmas! (Jamie, York)

Following a BBC Radio 5 Live interview with Bruce Forsyth at half-time in the Manchester United v Roma match:
Lawro: "How old do you reckon he is?
Commentator: "Mid-70s?"
Lawro: "Higher!"
(Chris Jones, England)

"It was just one of those goal celebrations, like Carlos Tevez, the player lifts up his shirt to reveal another top, which has nothing on it. Either it was mean to be pointless or he forgot to write on it."
BBC Suffolk reporter on Ipswich Town's Jordan Rhodes's goal celebration. (Lisa B, UK)

"I wonder just how long these four minutes will last?"
Err...four minutes? Archie McPherson states the bleeding obvious commentating at the end of the Rangers v Sporting Lisbon Uefa Cup game. (Various)

"Life is evolving - life is revolving. That's what life is all about, win or lose."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins on BBC Radio Humberside, reported on the BBC Sport website. Thanks for clarifying matters, Nigel!

"Leon Pryce is 6ft 4in but sometimes when you see him running he looks like he is 8ft 12in. He ended up being 9ft 15in by the time that game finished. He's a big man to stop."
Harlequins coach Brian McDermott on St Helens's ever-growing Leon Pryce. (Andy S, Liverpool)

"Amen Corner, currently twinned with Terminal 5 at Heathrow - both are proving difficult to get through."
BBC Golf commentator Ken Brown at Augusta. (Ben Frith, England)


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Let's pretend, Let's pretend, Let's pretend we've scored a goal YEAAAAAAAAH!"
AND
"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, Mile Sterjovski makes us look alright."
Derby fans sing their hearts out despite going down 6-0 to Aston Villa. (Elliott, Derby)

"Let's all laugh at Carson, let's all laugh at Carson, la la la laa."
More efforts from the ever-cheery Rams supporters. (Josh, Derby)

"We're gonna win 7-6, gonna win 7-6!"
Guess who? (John, Derby)

"You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm."
Crewe fans singing away at Yeovil - then it changed to two tractors, then three, four, all the way up to 14. (Ed: Lost on me too) (J Blake, England)

"You're just a fat Paris Hilton."
Sung to striker Andriy Voronin at Arsenal v Liverpool in the Champions League first leg. (Marco Gaspari, England)

"We love you coppers, we do."
Mansfield fans to the Macclesfield police after unwanted prospective buyer John "Harchester" Batchelor was escorted out of the visiting fans end. (Alan Broughton, UK)


STADIUM ANNOUCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"I apologise for my mistake, Darren Purse is today's captain and not Stephen McPhail. Don't worry, I will personally take whoever is responsible outside and whip them with a wet tea towel."
Ninian Park stadium announcer before Cardiff City's 3-1 win over Blackpool.

"A text has come in from Leighton James. He apologises for what he said about Cardiff City and has asked that fans stop sending pizzas and taxis to his house at 3am in the morning. But Lee Trundle has been speaking to Leighton and has said feel free to send as many pizzas as you like to his house."
Cardiff's stadium announcer tickles the Bluebirds faithful with tales of two former Swansea City favourites.

"Today's attendance is 14,715 and remember, money can't buy you everything but it can buy you a Cardiff City season ticket at a discounted price up until 5pm on Monday."
Cardiff's stadium announcer signs off in style with his final pearl of wisdom. (Steve, Wales)


MISSPELT SHIRT OF THE WEEK
"TAYROL"
Someone forgot to run the spell-check on West Indies fast bowler Jerome Taylor's shirt in the West Indies's one-day international against Sri Lanka in Trinidad. (Sarah Hayward, England)


BBC

[kjelvi]

BBC: Quotes of the week 



Don't Thak Sven in anger, says Noel

"I would give him a big kiss. And I'd say 'you know what, Sven? Take him to the cleaners'."
Manchester City fan and Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has no doubts about what Sven-Goran Eriksson should do to owner Thaksin Shinawatra, who is set to show the Swede the exit door at Eastlands.

"I think it's very, very nice."
The ever self-effacing Sven on the overwhelming support from the City faithful, who sung his name throughout their 1-0 defeat to Liverpool.

"There's only one 'Special One'."
Avram Grant cannot resist a little dig after out-specialing Jose Mourinho by taking Chelsea to their first-ever Champions League final.

"If Mourinho was here I don't think he could have done any better."
Poor Jose is getting it from all corners as Brian Laws enthuses about keeping Sheffield Wednesday up in the Championship after a 4-1 thrashing of Norwich.

"I will be watching on my IMAX 3D Home Cinema, with 136 speakers and smellivision, which has been purpose-built in an old Roman amphitheatre, overlooking the Manchester Ship Canal basin."
Who needs to burn more roubles than Roman Abramovich's bank balance on getting to Moscow when Kreme_kaka_d on 606 will watch the all-English Champions League final on his unique home entertainment system?

"It has potential to go pear-shaped."
An inundated operator working at the Russian National Tourist Office, which was set to process a zillion visa applications from Manchester United and Chelsea fans on behalf on the Russian Embassy in London.

"If he wants me to stay on my feet, maybe he should tell his defenders to stop hitting me."
Didier Drogba hits back at Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez's so-called dossier on his penchant for diving after helping Chelsea knock their Premier League rivals out of the Champions League.

"Technically he is the worst player I have ever seen in my life - and he knows it. He has no skill at all. We all have more skill than him."
Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy welcomes Robbie Savage back to Ewood Park with open arms.


Damien Hirst: Baize of glory

"What I did was wrong. Sree is like my younger brother."
Mumbai Indians' Harbhajan Singh is banned for 11 matches after a not-so-happy slap on international team-mate and King's XI Punjab fast bowler Sree Santh.

"I'm going to buy a Ford Focus convertible, I've been dying to get one!"
Unlike new Bentley-loving world snooker champion Ronnie O'Sullivan, beaten finalist Ali Carter opts for the more frugal approach to car-buying after scooping serious loot for the second 147 maximum break at the Crucible.

"When I was a kid I made a snooker table for my brother out of bits of wood, onion bags for pockets, wobbly sticks for legs and sticky-back plastic and drawing pins. You couldn't play on it, though. It was crap."
Trendy artist Damien Hirst on his failed attempts to create his own Crucible magic on his home-made baize.

"You can't talk to him, it's impossible, he's nuts."
IBF and WBO heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko isn't impressed with Briton David Haye's verbals about a potential world title fight.

"The only thing we did well was kick off, really."
Wigan coach Brian Noble finds it difficult to take positives after the Warriors were thoroughly thrashed 57-16 by rivals St Helens on the second day of Super League's Millennium Magic in Cardiff.


AND SOME FROM YOU


"Chateauneuf du Plonk? Never heard of it, Kev" 

"He's just played his 100th game, but he was here last time I was, which was 1936, so he must be about 50 now."
Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan on Liverpool's interest in goalkeeper Steve Harper. Nice maths there, Kev... (Ollie, England)

Keegan again, this time when asked whether Sir Alex Ferguson would send a bottle of wine his way if the Magpies beat Chelsea on Monday:
"I doubt it! Not a good one anyway. It'll be one of those Chateauneuf du Plonk!"

"I don't have a preference who wins the title. The best team usually win - except the time when we lost it. That time the best team came second."
Keegan again, this time reminiscing on the vintage Newcastle team which clutched Premier League defeat from the jaws of victory in 1996.(Paul Sanderson, Newcastle)

Matt le Tissier: "And Southampton have got all 11 men in their own box now!"
Jeff Stelling: "Well that'll be a bit tricky considering they've only got 10 men."
Former Saints favourite Le Tiss gets a little too emotionally involved for Sky Sports, watching Southampton's 3-2 thriller over Sheffield United - forgetting Stern John had been sent off earlier. (Josh)

"Its a case of squeaky Brum time."
Match of the Day's Gary Lineker on Birmingham's relegation plight. (Chris Humphris)

"And Brian McBride scores a powerful header with his head!"
The one and only Chris 'Candid' Kamara on Sky Sports after Fulham go 1-0 up against Birmingham. (Greig Cunningham, Scotland)

"Breaking news: The Rangers plane to take them home has been cancelled - but they don't need one to fly home."
Commentator after Rangers booked their place in the Uefa Cup final, beating Fiorentina on penalties. (Robbie O'Neill, England)


Liang Wenbo - the word safety is not in his vocabulary

"Being Scottish, I'm gutted. I've paid for a hotel room that I am never going to see."
A Rangers fan tells BBC Radio One about his impending all-night celebrations in Florence. (Harry Ward, England)

"I don't think United should push for a second."
ITV co-commentator David Pleat in the 86th minute of the Barca game. That's how you become a professional manager then. (Daniel Galloway, England)

"Every clearance worth its weight in gold."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldsley in the Manchester United v Barcelona game. Just how much does a clearance weigh then Clive? (Martin Bello, UK, Brighton)

"Massie is gone, he has done his hamstring, no it's his Achilles. He has done something to his right leg, he is hobbling badly - no wait, his boot's come off."
Australian rules football commentator trying to figure out what was wrong with Kris Massie during Carlton v Adelaide match. (Matt Innes, Hong Kong)

"If he played that shot 100 times, he'd pot it 99.9 times."
Willie Thorne on the snooker final after Ali Carter missed a black off the spot. (Andrew, UK)

"If he wins the next two he may well go in with a lead."
With the Stephen Maguire-Joe Perry match locked at 7-7 with two frames to play, Terry Griffiths shows the rules of basic maths also apply to snooker. (Stephen Rooney, Ireland)

"That looks like a safety shot from Liang Wendo. Must have been a miscue or something."
Steve Davis at the World Snooker Championship commentating on one of Liang's rare safety shots. (William, UK)


CHANTS OF THE WEEK


"Oooh how I wish you weren't here"

Manchester City fans singing to the tune of Pink Floyd's "The wall":
"We don't need no Phil Scolari,
"We don't need Mourinho,
"Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!" (Alex and James Halfpenny, Manchester)

To the tune of "Santa Claus is coming to town":
"You better watch out,
"You better beware,
"He's good on the ground and he's good in the air,
"Santa Cruz is coming to town." (Liam, Blackburn)

Dagenham & Redbridge fans to manager John Still after he substituted midfielder Glen Southam for Sam Sloma at 2-0 down:
"You don't know what you're doing."

Same fans to Still after Sloma scored one of the Daggers' goals in the 3-2 victory to avoid relegation:
"You do know what you're doing!" (Ian Gorsuch)

"Jon Pantsil, Wooaah,
"Jon Pantsil, Wooaaahh
"He comes from Africa,
He's better than Kaka."
West Ham fans get a little carried away with their praise for Ghanaian international defender Pantsil. (Scott, UK)


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK


Last seen running across Edgeley Park

"Will the fat kid please get off the pitch."
Stadium announcer after the Stockport v Brentford game. (Ben Nuttall, England)

"Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV."
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham, more or less guaranteeing relegation. (Wayne, GB)

"Couldn't you all do this in the car park?"
Swansea City stadium announcement after their 4-1 win over Leyton Orient, prompting fans to invade the pitch in sheer delight. (Anonymous, Wales)

[Leeds04]

Kjevla!

Dette er drit kjedelig stoff!

T 

[Stifler]